Dead in sin

In my purification
all of my nightmares
have come true.

But God rescues me
from the lion's snare
though I stay frozen in fear.

No words have been left unsaid
no wounds left untouched.
(Maybe just one...)

The mistakes I have made,
They were yours first,
so I know I had to come undone.

And you are dead,
though you are here
I too am dead, but prophesied to rise.

Time is a luxury, so I will wait
before I lunge with my sword
to destroy you.

Danse Macabre (The Skeleton Laboureur) by Georges Rouault (1871-1958, France)

Freedom is never free

All morning I've been receiving messages to let go of the past with love and compassion. This is a nice sentiment, but I wonder if the tools I am using are merely targeting middle to upper class white women with daddy issues who can just find a distraction until the next uncomfortable recollection comes up that again needs sweeping under the carpet.

While I have been feeling an abundance of kindliness and love in my life as I have entered the second phase of my recovery, my second initiation as I like to refer to it, I also have entered a new level of honesty (which comes with the package and nothing of my own doing of surfacing burdens to have healed). What is different in this clearing of the past, however, is not going to the person who I have a broken relationship with and trying to talk it out and possibly come to a solution on how to change behaviour.

What is coming up now are recognizing societal problems that are so much bigger than me, but letting go with love doesn't seem sufficient. While God is working unbelievable miracles in my life, helping me to help myself be rid of so much toxins in my life, I wonder if I can do more than say a prayer and go about my merry way. And going about my merry way is also sufficient, because peace spreads by mere energy transference, and I know that I can continue as I am, and die in peace.

But I want so much more than to just ride out the spontaneous moments of pain and then to live and die in peace. I want to understand the rot in this world. I want to fight the good fight. I want to help women work through their own trauma and go on to live not only in peace, but in self-worth, which means complete severance from people-pleasing, and also to live in independence, which means complete severance from financial and emotional dependence on others. I want to leave behind tangible resources for the generations to come, and they will come.

Jesus came first as a sacrificial lamb, but he WILL return as a ravaging lion. This shows me that innocence comes first, but then retribution will come second. A part of me wants to be in the movement that disrupts the status quo, because I am seeing violence inflicted on females as early a primary school. And while we are taught that we don't fight fire with fire, maybe the entire structure needs to burn to the ground.

There is nothing unholy about our recompense; the danger is when we try to do God's job which is for His glory and His time and not ours to execute. But changing the way we raise our generations isn't the same as betraying our commandment to show compassion, it's learning to work through corrosion and violence in a different way. As we wait for the last saints to return to God, let's in the meantime see what happens when we call a spade a spade, and use it to pierce those who somehow got their hands on a weapon that is incomprehensible how they even found it, let alone learned how to use it.

Balancing the inner light

I have noticed that there is a difference between inner light for guiding self, and inner light for guiding others. When I am shining my inner light for self, I am more humble and meek, more willing to be flexible and engaged, and more integrated into the web of culture where I am better accepting of others and circumstances. When my inner light is guiding self, I desire connection more than goal-setting. This is the passive, unnoticed work, and I believe this to be a more feminine energy.

When I am shining my inner light for others, I am more focussed, attentive, dispassionate, disciplined, and less interested in anything that could be a hindrance in achieving my goal. This is a more active power where there is often outward reward. I consider this inner light for others a more masculine energy.

My name means "Woman" in Old English, but I have mostly lived in the masculine polarity of energy. In Kundalini Yoga the practitioner is given a spiritual name, whereby he or she works to live up to that name. I had never received a spiritual name when I practiced, but in my heart I knew I wanted to live up to my birth name.

This meant I had to give up a few things. First and foremost - drugs and alcohol which are (in my experience) tools for the masculine energy. Then I had to give up keeping (as many) secrets - this in my opinion, is also a masculine technique used to help facilitate scientific and financial progress in society. And the hardest thing I had to break from - telling others what I believed their spirituality needed to look like.

In cultivating balance in my mind (and therefore life), I first need balance between my inner light for self, and my inner light for others. Without the respect and trust of my peers, which I gain through the strength of inner light for self, I will only alienate myself in then vain attempts of oiling my inner light for others. My intentions will become murky and show through. This of course means releasing from a phony call of duty to serve others by trading in that saviour syndrome with the appreciation through light for self, first.

People are generally intuitive. No matter how disturbed a person is, even the most viciously possessed characters could recognize God when His son passed by. We inherently know Truth, and I recognize my own discord and disassociation when I am not living in balance, through the feelings of defeat when I am not in accordance with my surroundings.

There is a time and a place for the things that I want, and today I work to approach my instincts with the respect and reverence that they need, while respecting the boundaries of others. This means that sometimes I must go within and shine my inner light only for myself, with the hope that the nourishment from those rays will in turn grace my life by turning outward, for others. Amen.

About my Father's business

Today marks the fifth year of my sobriety, and as God has intended, I am reminded of my devastating weakness: that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

I am surrounded by situations that I would like to change, control, or just outright demolish. That today by sheer grace, I recognize and accept that I not only have no power (though I have driven myself mad deluded that I do), I have no right - it is my Father's business.

What I love about my God though, is that He has never let me suffer for too long. His scale of justice has balanced out this erratic person's circumstances so many times, it is impossible to not see Providence in my life today. It only takes an open mind, an open heart, and the belief that redemption is offered for all who seek. Amen.

Surrender

Love is redemption,
this I know,
so I will never
let you go.

Though battles wage on,
and I want to fight,
to leave you now
would not be right.

The knowledge I gained
through a pure heart as yours
led me to trouble
and closed some doors.

Still I move forward,
and just let them be -
finally without power
over me.

Our time is short,
our message clear;
I will no longer squander
What is now so dear.

The sacrifice is made,
the music's suffice
to permit me to leave
this wretched fight.

You aided me,
so I will stay true.
I finally promise
to not fall through.

This indignation
ruled me for so long,
now what time is left
I will be strong.

The songs we sing,
I will not fear
my creaky voice,
and all these tears.

You've seen it all
the release of pride
week after week
no one by my side.

But that doesn't matter
anymore:
And I await the knock
at my door.

Wild flower

Oh how I mourned
those sweet flowers,
taken far too soon.
The first tipped domino
in the collapse
that was to be
everything I knew.

But I didn't know
that those flowers were poisonous,
all I saw was the white light,
the clusters of beauty,
wild, and therefore free.

So in their passing
I believed myself to be a prisoner,
because my ignorance of God
shut out all possibility
that there was good
outside the walls
where those flowers grew.

Though they had venom,
they were not weeds,
they were not evil.
They were a moment in time
that was meant for that moment in time
and none other.

Now I leave those flowers
in the grey zone of my mind
where I no longer need reference
the time I was beaten down.
And there is no need to fear
that something is undone.

In so there is no dishonour,
no passing over of my past
in knowing now
what is gone
is not forgotten,
and nothing of me has been taken,
but perhaps instead
has been restored.

Dance on

I wanted to write a blog today about my usual passage through life toward regeneration, however I'm a little unstable in the spirit today (I shall blame the end of daylight savings which I can't figure out if I lost or gained an hour). However a year ago my ballet mentor suggested I write about my ballet studies. I was going through a now-or-never episode, really struggling with a solo I was choreographing for a December performance, for reasons both within and outside of my control. At the time though I was feeling so sorry for myself in what I perceived to be more setbacks than I could face, let alone share with the Internet. But I pushed forward. I studied videos of principle dancers in famous ballets and classical art paintings of ballerinas in traditional ballet postures. I also had huge help from my teacher who filled in some time-gaps, and so, in an unprepared performance and ill-fitting tutu, I executed with relative success my dance.

Fast forward a year, I am much more confident in myself and in my art, and feel privileged to write this piece on this rain-soaked dreary, but with the comfort of autumn, Monday afternoon. Today my article is inspired by a book that I bought by chance when shopping for a friend's birthday present last month. I am at the office with lots of downtime, and am finally reading it. It's called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, and so far says exactly what my teacher has been passing on about art the past couple of years as I develop in my craft.

What struck me today in what Julia Cameron wrote, and what I have known for over a year now because I have witnessed it in my teacher's success as a choreographer and an award-winning recording artist, is that it is safe to express our creative talents. Cameron asserts that the disapproval of our creative endeavours that we might have received from our parents causes us to make a connection that our creativity is bad and therefore ungodly. While this might be the case for some, for me I know today that it is really a duty for me to express my talents, and Cameron says this is giving back to God what pleases Him, for it is what He gave to us to use.

Before people's backs go up about the God word, let me say that while there are spiritual principles in this book, it falls more into the New Age Self-Help category (in fact I passed over some paragraphs that were a little too spacey for me) which even an atheist I'm sure can appreciate. In fact the entire "self-help" category made me a little hesitant to credit this book, but I know for me to live is to let others live as they see fit. There are no more prophets of God.

That little disclaimer aside, I would like to conclude with the what I began with. I was not ready to write about my journey through dance. I have always felt a sense of inferiority in dance, since I have such few performance opportunities and I am studying a classical performance art. The nagging feeling of being unauthentic and incorporating sporadic personal dance adventures into my online life felt unsatisfying.

But something that I have learned is that when we live in our passions, good things come to us. We inspire people and make connections that otherwise wouldn't happen if we didn't put ourselves out there time to time in moments of fearful vulnerability that can lead to hurtful reviews.

To reiterate what Cameron writes, we have associated our creativity with negativity, something wrong, shameful, worthless, and therefore to be avoided. But there is another problem which causes us to snuff out our creative joys, and that is the coercion of being told that living in the creative gifts which make us special instead make us evil, egotistical, and prideful. Those of us who affirm our talents are misconstrued as being arrogant, but rather the opposite is true. Living and honouring the manifestation of our creativity is true humility, because applying what makes us unique is actually giving glory to God. We are using what was divinely given to us, and not cloaking it (see the Parable of the Talents). To be confident in what makes us unique in our creative talents is righteous, and not to be feared, rejected, dismissed, belittled, or insulted. Amen.

A Degas painting. A classical position that I studied for my solo performance in December 2017

The prince is not the King

Jesus said twice, recorded first in the gospel of Matthew as speaking from the first person that he will in fact deny some, and then in the gospel of Luke, in the form of a parable using the master of a house who won't let strangers in in the middle of the night.

I contemplated my goal as a missionary of The Most High, if some will without question be turned away from the Kingdom of God, then why would I use my energy to prophesy repentance and to encourage those of the hope that is there for us to partake in? Then I remembered all of the people over the years, who alleviated my sunken spirit, simply by speaking the truth - that there WILL be relief. That relief might come by the end of the hour, the day, the year, or a lifetime, but this degenerate world is by far not all that there is.

It is easy to become despondent when the prince of this world rules it with an iron first, but we forget so readily that the King of this world in truth is still the True One in charge - He calls the final shots, and He is always ready to heed to petitions, while His Father is ready to balance the scales with speed for those who believe and trust in Love and Justice.

If you are someone who worries that Jesus will turn you away on the last day, fear not. There is always someone praying for you, whether you know it or not - the Church's greatest strength is praying for ALL people,. The saved are empowered to successfully petition for anyone. We know this to be true when Apostle Paul taught that we can in fact rescue others.

Make no mistake about it. In this captured world of poverty and violence, New Age desperate attempts to claim its way out of the mayhem and pain is bogus, and it is dangerous. It robs us of power by scattering our focus and energy. Our mission is to not to escape our hardship, it is to meet with it shielded with courage and grace, and let it be known that it holds no power over us. We do not fight to support ourselves - this is NOT a war of flesh, nor is it a war of terrorism or of the middle-class. Our fight is on a spiritual battleground, and being deceived of this is the enemy's most clever ploy.

The answer is not in running away from pain, it is marching toward it. There are trained soldiers here to walk ahead and clear a path. But we are not secretive, which means we will not seek you - you must seek us. Then we will guide you gladly. I am at your service.

Long-suffering

I remember during my fundamental Christian years, how absolutely terrified I was of Halloween. And though I was struggling psychologically, they were genuine fears that were not embedded in any teachings of Satan, but rather of a very real occult world that I have since made peace with.

But years ago I relied on the front-line Christians to sooth my nervous spirit, and they delivered. And on November first, All Saints' Day, I was dismissed from all anxiety: I had made it through another Halloween.

Those people who I looked up to aren't around anymore in that same capacity. They got married, became involved in new activities, or simply lost interest in evangelizing. This morning I have been thinking, as I have been writing of late, of the people I looked up to who are no longer around. I realize that it's not fair to place burdens on people, or to box them in so that I can have a go-to when needed. Not only were they not professional exorcists, people are creative and need the fluidity to transform as we move through life and all the interesting parts of it that might influence and inspire us.

But it in turn has inspired me to question what my ultimate goals are. I know my offline life is much different from my online life. My offline life I clean compulsively, take care of animals, study ballet, have coffee with a few people who I am close to, and go to work at an entry-level job. But my online life I am an intellect, a revolutionary, a prophet. And it is here that I can really focus and hone my mind and audience.

I don't want to be like those Christians who just stopped being a mouthpiece for Christ, or the New Age gurus who fell apart once they stumbled on a pebble along their path. I seek a conviction that will withstand the coarse seasons in order to remain a bright light. Jesus said what good is salt once it loses its saltiness? Every person I have relied on lost their flavour, but at the end of the day it's between me and God and no one else. I'm the only one who I can change, and I wish all the others well, perhaps they weren't on their true path to begin with and this is necessary and good.

Now I prepare to re-group. I have knowledge in many fields, and while I can now interconnect them, welding them can be a stumbling block for anyone who is as I was, and those are the people who I am most interested in reaching. People who are lost, afraid, and desperate for direction. Focussing on one method would be the most effective tactic, however that presents a danger in becoming rigid. When a person is rigid, they risk breaking under resistance, rather than bending and adjusting to challenges.

But now that I have passed through the test of being in the world and not of it, the concern of succumbing to the pressure isn't so much the concern as it once was. External expectations and desires don't hold much power over me today because the refiner's fire removed the lust for the connection that I thought I needed. I know today that it will only ever be me, and the foot of the Cross.

It would be tragic to go on the way I have been, relying on people when I am the one who has the strength, looking for guidance when I am the one who has the answers, seeking out teachers when I'm the one who has the discipline. But would I be better a hermit than to become a traitor to my cause, as so many others who have come before me have?

Any person who has questioned his or her spirit and how it yokes with God knows that to live in the fear of "What if" is to be repelled, that it is nothing but a hindrance toward the peace that we aspire to reside in. My only goal at this time is to help others the way that I have been helped, with the hope that I will be long-suffering, as love truly is. God speed that my method be revealed soon enough.

Fire and Earth

It's been a while since I have received inspiration to write. With a new job that has taken me away from the computer, which I am grateful for, I have had very little time to be interactive both online and in person. But that notwithstanding, my spiritual direction has re-routed as well. So many people I have removed from my psychic or physical circles but it was all mutual. What I mean by that is, I responded to choices made by others in affirmative resolves to continue on my path of personal, inter-relational, and material development without them. And there is no love lost, only the grace of God providing me a cloud to glide on. And because it was organic, I know I need not wait for other people to make the first move - I can either walk away, or simply not get involved in the first place. And that is an incredible new awareness.

Yes I could dwell on the negative  - that being my disappointment and self-righteousness, but I learnt how to not give my power away by focussing on other people. I have also learnt compassion, because I know I am prone to similar mistakes. No one has all the answers, and the people who act like they do, the people who I am attracted most to, I will no longer give my time to. Those are the people who are going to crash and burn, and take me with them because I follow too closely behind. It took me many years to learn this, but history shows I need to be spiritually depleted before seeing the error of my path. I know unreliable people cloaked in self-realization are simply living the best way they can with what they have, just as all people who are trying to make the most of life do. But today I am liberated to know that I will not be involved in their inevitable collapse.

Of course it still hurts to see all the trappings that people who I looked up to have fallen into, the hubris, the ignorance, the greed, the self-interest, but moving forward people's bad decisions will longer affect me because now I know there is no humanly fix for a spiritual yearning. Fortunately my decision to  leave most people in the past is not a frightening thing, because for the first time I no longer care about what other people think BECAUSE I have accepted my own imperfections. When I am open about my own drawbacks, no one can claim power over them. And when I am accepting of my drawbacks I can be made perfect in God, because they are now 100% His.

People who I place in a position which could make my path crooked, must now be discerned as such, and kept as a great distance so when they make sharp turns or slam on the brakes, I won't be following behind to not be able to stop in time. I will no longer be involved either personally or emotionally in other people's leadership where their decision-making will invariably negatively affect me.

When I stand before God, I must have a clean account, and I can't when I am trying to be someone on this plane who I am not, which happens when I try to be a part of people places or things that I have no business being around. Period. So now what? I have a new heart, a clean slate, and a narrow path that leads to the eye of the needle that I WILL pass through, Being rid of situations that are stumbling blocks is but a beginning, it is only one step.

Focus is the second step. Since collapsing is my default program, reliance on the fire that will purify me rather than the earth that will corrupt me must come next, but it is also necessary to not hate or campaign against anything that is from God, which is everyone, and the things that they build, and then destroy. I can be grateful to the people who have inspired me to this point in my commitment to God's requests of me, but I do not owe them my time or support, and having recognized that I can take a third step - full commitment to my higher calling, which is working on my gifts within my limitations.

My personal trinity is my new model for victory, and is a formula that I believe to be vindicated. Unrestrained focus on what makes MY life worthwhile, as sanctioned by God.  - GOD. Not other people's requests of me, their need for validation, or need to be noticed. The greatest people in history walked a narrow path that often times had them ostracized or even killed. From mystics to scientists to inventors. And in my greatness, I am prepared to drink from that cup. Amen.

In abundance

Ah, time for another inspiring post. Away from the degradation of the human by society's standards and demands, and toward the integrity of the human, which is what true spirituality is all about. In God's good time I have been released of all pain, of all expectations, and of all comparisons. That doesn't mean that I won't have a dark night of the soul here and there, but thankfully I am a great sleeper, and never actually have to succumb to it. And that's because it is not God's plan for me to sit in my poverty. God gives us all our way out. Mine is sleep. I need to rejuvenate in body and mind for I am to be the salt of the earth and that is how I receive my strength to actually accept that. Salt, one of the most valuable substances in ancient times due to its incredible healing and preserving properties.

5D Selflessness

I'm inspired to get back to a more upbeat theme in my work. I went through a difficult year. I belabored the inspirational speakers, who to my error relied too heavily on, when their personal lives got in the way of their work, or caused them to abandon their efforts all together. But last week I realized I did the same thing: I went from posting minimum two articles a week to one article a month, if even, after going through my setback in the late winter. Life has been challenging mostly just because it has been different. In retrospect, nothing of tragedy actually happened. I can see now that the big obstacle, losing the family home, had to happen, because it was infested with very serious and crippling pain going back decades. I know through and through after a break-through this past weekend that it really was time to let it go. It wasn't a loss so much as it was a stepping stone to greater things.

Someone who I follow on Facebook mentioned 5D the other day in one of his videos. He wasn't referring to the new age idea of vibrating at such a high frequency we leave this planet and go into the heavenly realms, he was talking more about the dehumanization that our culture and technology is leading us to, and changing those attributes into more considerate counterparts (some of which I'll mention soon).

 I believe in choices more than ever now, and while I learned something unfortunate about society in one more step away from innocence last month, I moved one more step toward an incredible independence where I believe today I can be the author of my own outcome. but it takes a lot of hard work, mostly mental dexterity.

And in that empowerment I have new energy and strength to look at 5D in a new way, and I made up my own formula: Love, Kindliness, Compassion, Tolerance, and GENEROSITY. The last being the real theme of this piece today. These are the ingredients for sacrifice, but since people don't like that word in a society that would prefer to chant mantras than recite prayers, I will instead call it selflessness - which is the same thing just packaged in a more palatable design.

We can all talk about being compassionate and caring when immersed in the cocoon of conversation, but when it comes to applying that knowledge in the world during times when we feel threatened or when we are feeling tight on time, unappreciated, and disrespected, those good intentions of practice become just theoretical ideals that are made for another time (5D perhaps?). But the glue that bind those ingredients together which permits some sort of form to be transformed into something to really be enjoyed is generosity.

When I can recognize that I really do have the time, the respect, the worth...all of those things that I fear are not present, I no longer need to defend myself. My survival and twisted sense of prestige fall by the wayside. When I really DO believe that I have an abundance, yes I can let people get on the subway ahead of me even though I was standing first in line, yes I can take a breath and not react when someone cuts me off on the road, yes I can feel appreciative of what another woman might have that I don't, instead of letting jealousy dictate how I will judge a situation.

So the key is to believe that I will be okay if I share. The purpose is to come to an understanding between me and God that I have plenty, and that there is enough time, space, resources, talents and gifts to be generous with everything that I have to offer. I'll be posting more on this topic, because I also have enough strength, resilience, and humility to remain in this vein. The vein that leads me to the veil where all peace and prosperity rest behind.

In the valley

"We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life— those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain. We feel that we could talk and live like perfect angels, if we could only stay on the mountaintop." - Oswald Chambers

I came to see the error in my thinking that if only I could stay on the mountaintop, if only I could remain in the environment that best suits me, I could be the person who God intended me to be, but what I didn't actually have the strength to be. I had grown weary of those moments of relief, where it seemed like God was just throwing me a bone. I wanted - no, deserved -  a life of continuous inspiration and spiritual ecstasy, where all would always be right in my world, where I would have the patience of the saints and the power of the angels.

I didn't realize that those things don't come from moments of exhalation when God claims me for His own, they come through continuous and relentless hard work. For anyone who clicks on the link to read where this quote comes from, Chambers refers to a story in the Bible (see Mark 9:14-18), a brutal scene where the disciples could not heal a child. The scribes began to provoke them, and Jesus arrived having to ask what was going on. What a humiliating blow.

It's not that the disciples didn't hold the inherent power to heal the child, it's that they were not prepared. They had not made the sacrifices necessary to undertake such a massive task. I have always recognized the unpreparedness in this passage, and could theorize that I was not doing all of the work that I could be doing, but since I am not an exorcist I was fine staying in my comfort zone and leaving the serious healing up to the professionals.

I went merrily along my unprepared state, feeling quite righteous, until one day my path became obstructed. A dark cloud was besetting upon me, and it scared me to the point of tears. I wrote it off as hormonal imbalance, I would discover it was because I was about to face the most fierce demons to date. So when the time came for face-to-face combat, I lost. I simply did not have the strength because I had not trained. I was unprepared because I sat on my laurels and coasted for years. Ignorance is bliss, until it becomes grief.

In all healing there are dangers to the practitioner, and a worldly example that I find amazing is that emergency responders actually wave their rights under the law for the protection that all other citizens may benefit from, so that they may help others. This is no different in the supernatural world, there are consequences to helping a very sick person when not equipped, and I wasn't.

But a battle lost becomes a training field in preparation for winning the war. My culture shock was a necessary experience to gain new knowledge about myself and the world around me. As Chambers taught, the question is not what did I learn, but how can I apply this new information that I have acquired? Did I really want remain disconnected from this world? No, I would rather lose a fight than not develop and learn new stratagem.

I have recovered from my two-day long battle, but there are still some parts that are fuzzy that I need to sort out, with God. It's important that apathy is not mistaken for confidence, or diffidence for uprightness, lest I risk opportunities to be of service, due to uninformed conclusions.

I'm in a new month with a new job and new friends and a lot of hope. Out of mire grows healing ingredients, and now I am learning how to work with my surroundings, instead of against them. I aim to not slide into indifference again, but in order to resist complacency, I must work everyday, actively and with intention. Having new experiences, I can with new information be proactive in order to stay better connected to what is required of me in day-to-day living, and that's a good feeling.

Valley of Confusion by Markus43

It happened early on...

I was travelling home from downtown tonight. There were a few young men, which after more closely observing I saw were really boys, probably not even in post-secondary yet. One of them who was standing said to the other two, "Do you guys realize we've been together for over twelve hours?" I thought it was funny and sweet, but I didn't look too much at them, I just started to eavesdrop. The talkative one went on about watching a movie every night, so he had a bunch of late nights the past week. Another got off the train when I noticed the one who was sitting down had his student transit card around his neck.

These were just boys, dorky boys to the fullest extent. I gathered they got good grades and spent most of their time studying, watching movies, and playing games of sorts. I don't even think they were consumed by hormones. And I realized I was nothing like them: I was meant to end up where I did, way off course. There is absolutely no point in me wondering "What if", because there were no other options, because I am diseased and I had no tools to even recognize it let alone manage it during those formative years when I needed to be on point the most.

The loss of innocence happened fast with me, but I didn't want to acknowledge that up until now. I was hurt by others, I hurt myself, I hurt others, and it all left me where I am today, nearly crippled. It is a relentless world, but today I no longer feel the need to match up to anyone. By God's good grace, in His good timing, I achieved in truth everything I needed to attain, and now the rest is up to me to make the most of it, and enjoy sitting at the table with whatever hand is dealt to me.

I come from a cold city, a mean city; and it made me strong. I know what honour and dignity represent, and respect is earned, not assumed to be received. Now I know that the past is in the past, and everything must pass. Everything. I am almost mid-life, and I have spent almost half of it lamenting poor decisions, while continuing to make the same intrinsic mistakes. Insanity ruled me, and it still tries to but the difference is today I see it and I call it by its name, and that means it no longer controls me.

I am proud that I made it up to the point that I did. Sins are just coping mechanisms, nothing more. I used my pride and arrogance to get to where I am with absolutely nothing but a delusion of grandeur. It is no longer relevant that I barely made it by, that I am not really where I want to be, because I couldn't have known what I wanted during the time when I needed to make a decision and follow through with it. And that makes anything I have ever wanted worthless.

It also makes it comical. No wonder Dante's famous work on the process of our transition from life into death is called The Divine Comedy. Life is, at least my life is, absurd. I thought God had no sense of humour because Jesus only ever wept, but I can see now that some verses have been left out from that part of history. I've never been fond of history, and now mine will no longer rule my present, or define my future.

Inferno, Purgatory and Paradise, Illustration from Dante's Divine Comedy, 14th Century (Manuscript)

In the world

It has been three weeks since my last post. A lot has been happening, most of it conflict. My perception of people and the world has shifted and while one could say it's now negative or jaded, I feel it's more realistic and helps me continue to establish healthy boundaries, be more resourceful with my energy, and to be more careful with who I give power to.

There is a lot less fear in my thinking and acting now as a result of my new experiences, which were a long time coming. People seem so much less threatening when I recognize that they are just living their own lives and not really concerned about what's around them. And consequently I have learnt to mind my own business. Unless something directly affects a person, they are entirely uninterested in me and what I have to offer, and so I rarely place myself in others' circles now.

It is a demoralized world, and being ignorant in my belief that I could be of service hurt me in more ways than I wish to recall. It is not my right to place myself in people's spaces, even if I think it's something as seemingly harmless as a pleasant comment. It is God's decision to choose who will enter into mine.

What helped me see this was not a burning bush revelation, it was many years of desperate attempts to connect with others and inspire them, this painful lesson finally coming to fruition this week in the heart of the city. But this week was merely the final stage, and during the growing phase I had to be let down by people ad infinitum, to finally learn to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.

Ultimately, people want to appease the flesh, and character-building is left only for the odd who then become isolated, forced out of communities for having habits that make the pleasure-seekers uncomfortable, painfully aware of choices better left unmade.

But I will not let this dull me. Sometimes I lament over the state of the world in the most basic sense - the weaker must succumb to the stronger, all life is sustained by the loss of life. As a statement, it seems like a paradox, as all things which are true are, but in its most basic form, one has to perish for the survival of another, going all the way down the vegetation. Today this no longer bothers me, because today my faith is strong enough to know that this world is passing, and I have 2,000+ years of wisdom to give me the STRENGTH to now be in the world, but not of it.

My life has truly been a luxury, having had the time and freedom to have spent the past fifteen years contemplating spiritual matters, debating hypothetical problems with unrealistic (or typically no) solutions, communicating with like-minded people behind the comfort of my computer, half that time in my pajamas. But that sabotaged me two-fold: 1) Without actual worldly experience I projected my will and incomplete theories into God's plan, and 2) I relied on a distorted impression of society - I cultivated my values into a world that is in reality cold, crass, fast, mean, weak...the list goes on. And that is not a human fix.

I am no longer interested in the undisciplined, in the tasteless. I know that I am the salt of the world, but as Oswald Chambers said, my job is not to bring others to relief, but to accept this world for what it is, and to go on my way. In that sense, I will attract who the Lord wills to be drawn to me, just as I was drawn to God, without any will of my own. I erred by not going on my way, instead making lots of little stops in a debased belief I was making uplifting social calls, not even realizing (or dismissing when obvious) they were being spat on behind my back. I placed myself in the business of others, not in the business of the Father. I never sought out God's will, I sought out my will, how to feel as good as I could in the depravity of day-to-day living.

I have the power to loose and to bind, but I don't have the power to go off and decide who will be my "friend", or who I will assuage (or vice versa). That is the opposite of God's will - it's my will, and deciding who "needs" my attention, opinion, or observance, has never once ended well. Now I know that all I am to do is fight my own battles and keep to myself. That is hard to accept, but I now concede unequivocally that is the reality, and is necessary.

If someone is drawn to me I need to ask in prayer and meditation what their purpose in my life is to be, instead of recklessly making impetuous decisions in this world - a world which is not mine to participate in on my own terms. I am sincerely grateful for a handful of life-changing developments that have in truth been a blessing to this unwitting participant.

Time to get to REAL work.

Until next time, dear reader.

Being elementary

I believe that I have made the error of assuming that people are no longer primordial. While some have made unbelievable advancements in the natural and applied sciences, I suspect now that as humans, we are not much more enlightened than our tribal ancestors were. And even so today, as I progress my efforts of ego balance, I am returning to the most primal of culture - symbols. Not even words, not even full sentences.

What precipitated this line of reasoning of our under-development as a species was an image that I saw on social media last week, which was these fantastical clouds, long ballooned lines, real as life in almost 3D, covering the sky like sheets that nearly touched with not much space between them. I felt afraid of them, and I realized it's because they were so unusual, and I didn't know what they would "do".

The ancients used tactics that we today understand as the origins of magic, to try to control the forces of nature which terrified them, and they also illustrated these forces to be the work of gods who were so much more powerful and who could in a moment, without warning, destroy them. So rituals were also contrived to appease or repent to these outer-worldly beings, in order to attract favour or avoid rebuke.

I was in discussion several weeks ago that fear no longer serves us. Since we are no longer at the mercy of the elements, or of predators in the wild, it will soon be phased out through evolution, and that the enlightened of us can catalyze this process through meditation and work. Now I see how wrong I was. We as humans are not afraid of this world, because "nothing is new under the sun". But is that true? Once something unusual happens, or even uncommon like a natural disaster, fear is just about the only, I think appropriate response.

Fear is no longer objectionable to me. It is who I am at my very and pure core - a fearful, primitive person. Yes I can work to attain a degree of perfection to the one true God, meaning that I spend every waking hour in service to Him and therefore the people about me, which I can only achieve by overcoming my primal instincts that keep me in a place of stagnancy and boredom, or on the flip side, panic and chaos, but being afraid is no longer to be combated and condemned. If I miss the mark, if I choose complacency over the perfect objective which is God, the consequences no longer need to be dire. I simply try again.

There is no shame in being primitive. So long as I respect myself and others, I am doing just fine.

And they will know the truth

"Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.

Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, and the graves were opened...

So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, 'Truly this was the Son of God!'" 

- Matthew 27.50-54

Sometimes big events don't go as we had hoped. But something that was revealed to me this morning is that when a truth is present, the event can be a mess, but it will still be perfect because the truth can never be confused. Eventually. all will know the truth.

When Christ died on the cross, God's spirit came upon the people who had been looking on, and all knew at once that he was the Son of God - he was everything the people denied him to be during the time that he had witnessed on earth.

Whether truth is concealed, denied, or simply presented to people not prepared to accept it, it is painful. When we are entrusted by God to be a vessel to that truth, yet all we feel is overlooked and forsaken, we can feel rejected.

But are we really? If God's truth will be permeated regardless of the circumstances, which of course it will, it's important to release from any notion of how victory ought to look. Rising above self-defeating self-talk of regret because we believed to have missed the mark is actually defiance to God's will, the most dangerous attitude we can take on.

Not only does self-denigration assume God's will was not administered, but it gives our power away to other people, which is so self-harming as it leaves us defenseless against psychic attacks which often times we aren't even aware of.

I am recognizing that I have given much of my power away, and I didn't even know. But God will always have His way, and I am finding His scales of justice balance what has been removed from me much more swiftly that I could ever hope for.

So this is today's message - things are not what they seem. With a sincere, even if corrupted, heart, along with a willingness to become a happy person, God will correct all that torments us, and He will do it gently, allowing us to move forward with integrity.

I don't need work on being right today, because I am right without effort, without needing to even have it in mind. God uses us as vessels which can be shattered in less than the blink of an eye, so what does it matter what I of myself could possibly manage? I will be recognized after the fact, not during. During God's work I will be judged, processed, and dismissed, and that needs to be okay with me. Sooner than later the truth will be infused, because there really is no choice and no preparation once God makes a decision.

False prophets

Too many times I have relied possibly too heavily for encouragement from people who possibly had no business carrying a lantern, both in the New Age and Christian communities. Too many times I have depended upon other people's convictions, only to see them dwindle off. The usual culprit is what it has been since the beginning of time, no doubt. Love. Most notably, false love. False love for they thought was a spiritual purpose, or false love in new partnerships. Either finding more importance in their material life, or falling apart when it doesn't turn out as planned. Leaders disappearing, discontinuing, and the worst of all, disassociating, with more than one issuing public recants.

And I am not meaning to victimize myself, I must take responsibility for relying too passionately on just about every spiritual guide I have ever turned to for inspiration, all who have gone by the wayside. People I thought were fearless, but who were actually weak and fake. People who I thought relied on God but in actuality relied on self and elementary survival codes. I ignored signs either by manipulating them, or omitting them entirely, in order to justify my feelings and support people who did not deserve my diligence.

Part of my own soul journey is to level my pride because I have a disease of loneliness, and have discovered that I cannot live in a fantasy world of grandeur while at the same time form the meaningful connections needed to alleviate my afflictions. So it is appropriate that while I don't place myself on a pedestal, I don't place others on one, as well. The solution that I believe to be most trust-worthy at this point. is to be guided by my own intuition, not someone else's personal revelations, and to probably move more slowly through any engagement with the trailblazers who have what the pattern seems to be only seasons of counsel.

Life can be unnecessarily painful when I give my power away, whether that be to teachers, parents, friends, or lovers. I do not subscribe to the belief that all people will eventually let us down, but I do recognize today that I must respect myself before I respect others. While I currently lament over false prophets, I do not believe that relationships need to inevitably mislead us. When we can relate ourselves rightly to God, His universe, and others, through a commitment to self to be the best version of ourselves, I see no need for letdown or conflict.

We are all just fumbling our way as we reach our destination - the end of the road where we know not what awaits us, and truly, that makes us all equal, and all fallible. Hopefully moving forward I will learn to place more trust in myself and let go of expectations I place on others, including my own ideas of what true happiness and release really is.

The truth lay in the Rose.

Highs and lows

"Jesus...was baptized by John...And the Spirit descend(ed) upon Him like a dove. Then a voice came from heaven, 'You are My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.'

Immediately the Spirit drove Him into the wilderness. And He was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan." Mark 1.9-12

The Bible is the Living Word of God. Ask any Christian that. This means that it breathes into us new life with new understanding with every evolution in our relationship with God. Though I have read the Gospel of Mark before, the Bible is not to be read intellectually. And it was the Spirit's will that I grasped a crucial teaching that was given to me to strengthen me, which I now pass on to you. To note, other gospels in the Bible give detailed accounts of what happened in the wilderness. 

Jesus' baptism was one of the most pivotal events in his brief life. In the account written by Mark, we see that it is at this beautiful moment where the fullness of God's grace is bestowed upon him. We see that Jesus truly is the Son of God, that he is the greatest of all men...and then his life takes an unbelievable turn.

IMMEDIATELY he is led into the desert where he is starved and tormented by Satan himself - the most vicious, jealous, spiteful (and stupid) being on this earth. So how did the narrative change from Jesus being utterly blessed to being so cruelly cursed? Maybe his hardship wasn't really what it appeared to be from the outside looking in.

How often have I risen only to fall one day or one week later. How can a person not feel picked on by this world when moments of relief are perpetually superseded by dejection? But my heart was open to receiving the word "immediately" yesterday, and I have been steadily meditating on it. Surely there is something important in identifying with the glory and adversity that Christ experienced within one single day.

"My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11.30

Yoke means to join together, Biblically speaking, it was when work animals, like oxen which work naturally in pairs, were joined together by a device around their neck that made their work more efficient, because they could carry heavier loads. But as with all examples, Jesus who is not of this world spoke of things not of this world. He was referring to being joined together with God. Those on the spiritual path know "Of myself I am nothing, the Lord does the work" (John 14.10). We simply do not have sufficient strength to manage in the wilderness on our own resources.

Apostle Paul wrote about this time in the "desert", and he learned to accept it as God's will, not because he believed that he was evil and deserved to be punished, no just the opposite: Paul knew that he was God's greatest soldier, and that he was being strengthened during his time in the wilderness, which for him was a jail cell.

"Lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

I will continue in my time of prayer and reflection on the highs and lows on this Hero's Journey, and I hope to chronicle and relate back with my progress, ever hoping to inspire all who travel to the apex of peace and comfort. Blessings, gentle reader. 

Message from Archangel Orion

I have been guided to Archangel Orion. He is ancient, but has only recently introduced himself to us. Because he is new to us, up until now those who did know him did not recognize his high office of "Archangel". Because Orion is so incredibly kind and humble, he does not require to be acknowledged for his stature. His only wish is for us to see his truth, our truth, and what the Earth requires of us.

This is a channelled message from Archangel Orion, who directly communicated with Melanie Blecker, and I wanted to share this grounding and hopeful message. This is important for me to share, because I have been releasing from fear for the first time in my life, and while so joyous, it's tempting to lapse into old negative programming.

"Fear is your biggest obstacle and opponent, but do not buy into it. Know that fear is not real, fear is illusion. And when you release it, when you trust that you are safe, when you trust that the universe is providing for you and does have a divine plan of goodness for your life, your work and your relationships, you stop the cycle of struggle, and you are able to be authentic, to be loved. And this is what you are, and this is what the energy of today gives to you, the gift of love, the gift of creative joy, the gift of enhanced manifestation. The gift of ascending into a higher vibrational experience of beauty, wellness, and love."

Every fear that I concoct in my mind is a lie. Every danger that I perceive is an illusion that is totally misguided. Every time I decide that something or someone is a threat, I find myself losing balance after being blindsided from a totally different direction.

Learning to take a step back has been my greatest spiritual gift, the greatest accomplishment of my regeneration back to God. From it stems all sorts of confidence and self-esteem which has graced me. And when I have a bad moment, I can take it hour to hour, or talk to someone about something even entirely unrelated, and come back to Earth, my feet back on the ground, refocussed and ready to do what I need to do in my day-to-day living.

It's easy to slip into fear, but now I find it's just as easy to release from it. I might get discouraged, unsure of why perfectly aligned events never materialized in my favour, but with the ability to release from fear comes the ability to trust the outcome - to have faith that there is something more suitable for my soul journey.

I hope this is helpful. I understand that channelling can be disturbing to my Christian friends, but this is something that I am very comfortable with. Communication with angels is recorded even in the Old Testament, and while the question is, are these beings truly of light, the answer lies in what they are saying, and I am assuring my readers that this message is safe. So if you can't trust the source, I hope you can trust the messenger. Amen.

From Kyle Gray's Angel Prayers Oracle Cards

Loving detachment

I have been receiving messaging lately that my purpose is to be happy, which is mind-blowing for me. In my studies on Buddhism and Christianity, never once did I suspect that life was anything but hardship, and that challenges in day-to-day living were righteous.  I internalized that learning to detach, as well as carrying a cross (another way I understood destitution) was the formula for true love of God, and it validated my material and spiritual poverty. I misunderstood sacrifice, using it to excuse my inability to live life on life's terms.

But in the present I can finally see that the universe has conspired, through God's will, to place people and events in front of me who would lead me into natural light, not the man-made harnessed light that is unsustainable, and which I was erroneously chasing for two decades.

In recognizing that the universe is so much more powerful than me, and all I can possibly do is swim along its currents, I now cooperate with the flow, with its energy. I cannot control a single thing, and in perceiving this, I am better able to respect what happens, or doesn't happen, around me and regarding me. I am an energy light-being, we all are, and some charges are more powerful than others.

So today my detachment is in love and trust, which is the truth of what I am to embody. That is what makes me a child of God, who is the Director of the universe I can finally account to and who has guided me all along, but whose instructions I refused to follow. To note, surrendering to what the universe intends for me doesn't mean that I become listless, not  taking chances to be who and what I aspire for, but it does mean that I honour what is or is not intended for me, with grace.

My happiness is within my connection to what is best for me, to others and their own soul journeys, and to what God's will is for me, where I may by comply with His conclusion. Detachment by choice, and not by dejection, has proven to help me grow into the person who I have always wanted to be. And while this ability came to fruition through pain, my hope is that all people can learn to flow with God by willingness.

Good and bad

"God, I pray that you now have all of me, good AND bad..." Yes, even the bad: the wrong I want to commit, that I know is wrong because I want to act in secret, because it's shameful. The bad where I wouldn't act in such a way, were I in proper health.

But rejoice! For if it is good enough for God, it is good enough for me to own, and in that way, I may release. I cannot give what I do not have, and actions that stem from shortcomings no longer need to play out, because today I know that I don't need to internalize any bad feelings, at all.

I used to gloss over any characteristics that were undesirable to me or the way they involved others, because I thought I wasn't supposed to have them. I would suppress them, deny them, or minimize them, and now I see that I wasn't revealing them, so that I could then heal them.

But after a pretty bad episode that nearly cost me more than I can afford, I came to God in a different approach unlike any way I had before. This permitted me to see that God wants to take all that is questionable within me, and I finally realized who am I to say what I am "too good" for?

I saw that my pride and my defiance were astoundingly strong, and that they served in no way but to defeat me. MY way doesn't work, and it never, ever did, and there is no sane reason for me to believe that someday I might beat the game. Now I have mentors and friends who, if I wouldn't want them knowing my business, why would I want to go about it the way I have?

I am often tempted to fall back into fundamental Christianity, but more and more undeniable signs are urging me to remain on my path of energy work. I am not afraid of demonic portals any longer, but I have of late questioned if my infirmities are too strong to resist simply by prayer or deep breathing, Now I recognize fully that I have all of the tools that I need to maintain my integrity so long as I remain connected to my vision of being perfectly yoked to God, instead of connecting only in times of painful desperation which invariably then lead to repentance.

Because I am ALWAYS in need of redemption, no matter how much conviction of the Spirit is offensive to the ear, it is necessary, and I welcome it. Yes, of course I want my autonomy, I want to revolt at the prospect of leadership and direction. But it is now apparent to me, that "my" way only bears  poisoned fruit, at best.

Suffering is a necessary initiation, and it doesn't need to be feared - it is evolutionary, but as with anything, it is a tool that needs to be used rightly. I now know two things: 1) Suffering passes more quickly once it is accepted and acknowledged, and 2) Peace overflows once God removes the hurt, which He will. Consequently, fear will also assert two things: 1) My sins will disgrace me, so why bother, and 2) If I don't hold on to the pain, I won't be able to control it. These fears are foolish values that strangely go against survival instincts and contribute to a corrosion in personhood.

Acceptance is paramount, but understanding the deeper meaning of a fearful situation that in all likelihood arose from something I created in transgression, is also required in order to maintain equilibrium, and then dismiss it. The problem with evil is I secretly enjoy it, but upon honest appraisal, I can see that I only cling to what is rotten, because I feel unfit for what is good.

I now know there is nothing wrong with failure and hurt feelings, so today I invite them in for tea. Then they leave and I ask God to be with them. They might want to come back and visit, but sometimes I'm not at home to entertain them. Sometimes I'll take a quick phone call with them, and no matter the occassion, I bless them when it's their time to head out.

For me that is real peace, and by God's grace I have found how to release the fear that can cripple my development as a human being and as a woman. I might still make mistakes that can arise from not being perfectly yoked to God, but I can keep courage that it will get better, because I am taking the steps needed to transmute negative programming that lead to poor decision making. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

The Cabinet

How amazing
that the mind remembers
what it knew not it absorbed.

When that moment of youth
floods in,
as Nature knocks without warning.

I stood there,
displaced, yet planted.
Looking into my past, just by chance.

By chance!
How twisted - or precise -
That which orchestrated my beginning, and their end.

They who did not suffer
and I who did not care,
for Nature had not yet knocked on my door.

The door that was light,
now it is dark.
But I remember it clearly, of how it once was.

And I noticed its absence -
the cabinet inside,
when I saw where I stand, and amended my pride.

Not Lost

It was
And now is not.
And we are torn
though all's not lost -
Everything's not lost.¹

And we live in a beautiful world.²
Melodies come - they always return,
for Nature is in rhythm,
and will never go unlearned.

And now I see, as I forlorn
Misplaced, my flowers grown back as thorns.³
Driven to destruction -
(It's all part of the plan).⁴

And throughout all my studies
And all that is fragment
I know now what truly does in fact
make a man,
a man.

---

1 Coldplay "Everything's Not Lost"
2 Coldplay "Beautiful World"
3 Taylor Swift "Call It What You Want"
4 Coldplay "X&Y"

Caring for others

I'm doing well. I am receiving the help that I need, and inviting others to join me in my journey toward regeneration, while dismissing those who hinder me.

And hindrance, to me, refers to being quelled, and is not to be confused with people who take cheap shots here and there. One way to identify hindrance is when we feel in our gut, sometimes referred to as the second brain, that we are acting in a way which is inconsistent with how we want to be. Perhaps this inauthenticity is physical, verbal, or even mental, and for me, I was remaining in that cycle because I was people-pleasing out of fear of not being liked, or being talked about. Then with the help of a trusted friend I woke up to the fact that I was debilitating everything I was working towards during my time on this beautiful planet, and what other people think or say about me is none of my business.

Conversely, when someone is throwing darts, it's important to look with kindness at WHY that is happening, because more often than not, they are being cast by those who are closest to us, and so coming from a place of compassion can save us much heartache. Chances are these people are simply hurt themselves and are not intentionally trying to harm us.

This is why we put on the armour of God - righteousness, truth, kindness, willingness, and faith, because when we prepare ourselves in such as way, we can respond from a place of love. And that starts with self-love. When coming from a place of acceptance, we do not crack, for we are not punctured by those darts. We might be bruised - the traction might have been powerful, but there will not be enough damage for it to be long-term. In other words, the intrusion will not be internalized.

I have also been eating healthy and getting enough sleep, and this gives me the fuel and rehabilitation that I need to be in this world. I have the energy to physically do what I need to do, and also to maintain the concentration needed for my studies. Consistency is a key to contentment, because it offers us diligence, and in that, a sense of well-being and accomplishment. Whatever our commitments are, maintaining that discipline, preferably within a schedule (the jury is out on how beneficial routine is, but for me, it is a life-saver), offers the stability which we all need, whatever our lifestyles look like.

I'm feeling very focussed. Yes I have moments where I am thrown off balance, but that is normal as I am not a machine (and even machines have their limits). The point is to have the humility to be honest when a mistake is made, or a trouble is brewing, because then it can be corrected, and there is no shame in asking for help and working to be a better person. In fact, it is noble. (side note - humility and nobility are by no means opposing forces).

When we are happy, we help others to be happy, and then our joy grows even more. "Happiness multiplies when it is divided with others." Be the light that guides people and animals and the environment to health and dignity. It's worth the extra two minutes per day to care for someone or something else. But as always, it starts with us. So prepare, and take care.

Until next time.

Treasure hunt

I have been feeling a resistance to the spiritual the past few days. I know that I need to be spiritual as I am maladjusted to the physical, and the spirit world gives me freedom from the bondage of self, from my skewed perception of my role on the planet, but I have begun to question what might I be cutting out short through the almost refusal to play?

I have considered that being spiritual can still be an expression of self-will, of not really have a solution to the challenges that I face daily, and I have been feeling the restrictions of my current practice. In fact I have been feeling so confounded that I have begun to turn to mathematics to be relieved of the nagging feeling that I am missing something.

The limitations of words and books have, seemingly out of nowhere (though it's never really on a whim) become so apparent to me, and the fear that has been instilled in me to not go outside the confinements of human reason so distasteful, I have lost all concern of being "right".

The confidence required to move forward so that I don't default back to a place of contempation is strong right now (Star Wars much?), while the self-love required to practice acceptance of things I perhaps would like to change while still aspiring to transform them into something of an asset is firm. When people don't hold power over me, I behave a lot less defective and more in tune with the natural rhythm of my surroundings, even when it seems to be off-beat.

Possibilities present themselves when I am willing to disregard the opinions of others, and even of self. Being judgemental is a soul sickness where spirituality is in fact needed, in order to release from expectations that "should be" manifested in the material. But sometimes just being planted on the ground, steady with one foot in front of the other, is all it takes to have a good day, which can lead into a good week. And for me, a good week is crucial, because it is after that week where I literally clean house and spend time with family, and I want to reflect in a week well lived, and prepare for what I would like to do differently in the week coming up.

Progress doesn't have to mean abandonment of faith or reason, but simply the resolve to add to the formula, never being afraid of peer review, or adjustment. I am not sure how this radical shift has transpired, what inspired it, but it's pretty darn fun right now.

Call to cleanse

I just had a far out meditation.

I was being guided to cleanse, that it was time for me to put on my spiritual armour, and that I needed to wash first.

I went into the conference room where there are no computers, which I am feeling are very draining right now. Facebook is more of a nuisance to me today than a toy or a medium: I needed to recharge. (And which is why I am writing, I believe it's a non-harmful way to use my computer right now), I also wanted to work with (maybe more honestly put, use) the natural power of the office finches to assist me in my meditation.

I have laid in savasana before, on the floor behind the table where I can be unnoticed, but I have never tried to work with the birds in my rejuvenation. Animals are moving through their own soul journey, and are susceptible to human neglect, discord, and misguided energy, so I knew I needed to be careful not to manipulate their life force.

So I began my meditation with the intention of working as non-violently as possible, without taking too much of their strength, or without forcing onto them too much of my used up (toxic) energy that I needed to release. I visualized a symbiotic, perfect universe, designed to without flaw move us through the natural cycles of a day.

I believe that I became at complete peace with myself and my surroundings, and was able to start a pranayama exercise of square breathing where I could truly detach without needing concern for anything around me.

One of the birds I call my feather-ball was really starting his song, so I rose and gave thanks to him. I am still really struggling right now with my energy, it is aggressive and I am going to journal now about the events that have precipitated this imbalance.

One thing is for certain, every paragraph has started with "I". This is not necessarily a bad thing, as Patanjali said, we make sense of the world around us through the self. However I know that my problems stem from thinking too much of self, without thinking enough about others. To be of service is to be of peace. Perhaps that is why I was called to cleanse and put on the armour of God.

Until next time!

Rest from Strife

I have concluded a three decade-long journey of war and disunity. This is not to say that battle won't be faced again, nor does it suggest I won, but there is now the possibility that fighting will no longer be necessary. And this completion by no means suggests that it is time for rest - quite the opposite. It is time to build.

And should I build with strong foundation and with the consistency needed so weather cannot degrade progress, I might create something that can literally change the world. Is this delusion of grandeur? Have I been watching too much Sherlock? Too influenced by Dr. Dispenza? Perhaps. Nevertheless, it's worth a shot, as my one-line in my grade-five class play read.

There was an adrenaline rush in engagement, and for the past nearly five years I have known I had been substituting God with anger: I had spent a good twenty years fighting an invisible enemy, and a another fifteen prior to that running from one. It wasn't my intention to be pacified, almost docile, that was merely a byproduct of making new friends.

But strangely enough, they weren't the entourage I used to have. I was not leading, I was being led, and it didn't feel too good. But I needed to be shown that the battle had been within, and it was deadly. I needed to learn my independence and rebellion was really a desperate loneliness that manifested in co-dependency and restlessness.

But that wasn't the worst part.

Undoing, continuing to undo, the false-self, releasing the shadow-self, admitting spiritual and at times even material poverty - that was the worst part. But I would do it again.

This is because the recognition of the stronghold that darkness has on light is so empowering to the point that no person, and no institution, and no organization is any longer frightening. The threat becomes only in the mind. Once the light reaches the horizon of the material, we see there is nothing more glorious than being freed from the lie which says healing is not possible - the worst deceit this world has ever been subjected to - a play so brilliant, so insidious, that even the light which is infinite, became dense.

The mind, I now know, is not only pliable, is designed to be cohesive. It wants to return to its natural default, no matter how much it had been stretched, no matter how far the lines of communication have strayed - it is for everyone to return to transcendence - to perfection.

I used to believe in curses, in damnation, that some people, sometimes even myself, were simply doomed. But now I know the only time we look down on someone is when we are lifting them up, and that goes for ourselves as well. That is the endeavour - the building, perhaps more accurately put, the rebuilding.

There is much work ahead, but it is good work; it is exciting and hopeful and clear. It is no longer a grace that was bestowed upon me, it was a calling that made me no different or no better - it was simply a particular talent that I discovered out of my own stubbornness. And since foolish pride can make or break a person, I rely on remembering that I will never know to where the wind will blow.

I don't need to be hidden, either in false modesty or in self-preservation, but I also don't need to win or be rewarded anymore, either. That's where the peace comes, that's my truce.