Alone Time

Being an introvert with very solitary-friendly hobbies, thinking of others being depressed or lonely didn't really enter my consciousness during this lockdown. Now that we begin to reopen, and I get a bit more honest about the protective boundaries I put up through fear and discomfort, I can look at the darker side of the pandemic, where some people were in a sort of hell.

But being in solitude doesn't mean that we have to be lonely, melancholic, or entrapped in downward thinking. Being in solitude for extended periods of time can be the great reckoning where we turn to God and open our minds and hearts to the possibility of being transformed into a person who takes a circumstance, and shifts it into an opportunity.

Freedom comes to us when we don't need too much outside of ourselves to be happy. Of course we still need resources. If I didn't have the Internet, ability to go to the grocery store, or a few close friends during this time, my experience in this pandemic would have been a lot more grim. But I trust that God would provide for me. Where I wouldn't have Internet, I would have books, where I wouldn't have opportunity to pick up supplies, I would ask my neighbours or church for help, and where I wouldn't have loved ones, I would have helplines and my fur-family. Part of being in solitude includes having the beautiful resource of time to problem-solve.

What I have learned the past three months is that God will not let me down. God will be with me always. I realize today that this is a promise that has withstood loneliness, financial fear, and even the prospect of death (getting my dad sick) during this bizarre and eye-opening time.

Being in solitude matured me spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. It helped me reset, regroup, and reevaluate. It showed me who I want my friends to be, and who I can now finally let go of. It gave me the perspective to figure out my priorities, which up until this time lacked balance. It also opened my heart to more compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. I got to see that we all have different personal realities, and to respect others more sincerely.

There will be a lot of healing to be done as the world reopens, but solitude and being still with God is where the bulk of the recovery will rest. Solitude does not need to be feared, it is ultimately where the greatest peace, reconciliation, and answers will be found. During alone time we are afforded the chance to simplify and return to a pre-traumatic, pre-chaotic, and pre-distorted world, and where we can now make decisions based on what is best for the new reality that we want to create and live in.

Build a new reality rooted in love

Self-Love

A big part of healing the conflict-stricken ego is to have self-love. Some might think that self-love is akin to pride or vanity, but it's actually having self-respect. Self-respect can be a loaded word, thrown around in defiance or used against people to shame them, but what it really means is knowing the value we bring to others, and honouring that.

Self-love is also self-care. It's being gentle, loving, and nurturing with ourselves, and in turn we can give that same compassion to others. Self-care fosters self-esteem, because we become proud of our ability to take care of ourselves, and to then live with integrity.

We live in a world when people are so afraid to look vain, but we use the wrong methods to combat self-absorption. The solution to the problem of arrogance is humility, and the only way to be humble is to put God above all else. When we put God first, we truly begin to have self-love which at its very core is self-forgiveness. 

So many people are going about the world with unresolved trauma, situations of buried pain resulting from unmet needs, and this causes stunted emotion growth. Because we didn’t have the autonomy to care for ourselves as children, I believe the ego develops a sort of self-hatred, where we feel we failed to take care of our most basic needs, and in so we develop a deep sense of guilt (that we might not even be aware of).

Self-love begins to heal the trauma of unmet needs, and as I work through my own recovery, I find that being harsh, critical, or judgemental with myself is no longer acceptable. I work to not say things to myself that I wouldn't say to someone else. I would not insult other people, and I am not the exception.

Ultimately, self-love involves acceptance. I learn to accept the imperfections that always were, or that I created, which with acts of self-forgiveness I can begin to make peace with. When I can let go of the past, I am practicing self-love. When I take care of myself, I am practicing self-love. When I am truly humble, and treat myself and others as children of God, deserving of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness, I am practicing self-love which I can then take out into my community and help with its own healing process.

Jesus Wants YOU!

I am in a chat room where there is a subculture that is greatly misunderstood, and where it is difficult for me to not pass judgement ("Furries"). Because I have been cultivating my love for God, and for others, along with my boyfriend's influence with therapeutic ideas such as Angel's Advocate, I am learning to take a back seat instead of jumping in with my opinions.

I knew not only would unfriendly or unsupportive remarks be inappropriate, but I was also able to put myself in their position. I realized that if I started talking about something where they felt uncomfortable or insulted, they wouldn't like that either. I imagined that they wouldn't want, for example, to hear about Jesus any more than I want to hear about their fringe and misunderstood hobby.

But it was suggested that maybe they DO want to hear about Jesus. Maybe they don't realize that Jesus wants them in his fold, or that being a Christian is even a possibility. But Jesus welcomes all of us, and will come to us even at the lowest points in our lives, as he did for me.

I don't want to use Jesus for my own agenda, which is to have my own way. I want to instead use his strength to love people where they are at, just like he loved me where I was at, and to learn enough that I don't need to come from a place of judgement or reform.

It never really occurred to me that people would want to hear about Jesus. I was so wrapped up in looking unoffensive and fitting in that I didn't consider what people are searching for so deeply outside of themselves and society might really just be a yearning to invite the kingdom of God within.

Fellowship With God

Today's devotion by Dr. Charles Stanley, my favourite preacher, says that when God created the world, the only thing He didn't declare to be good, was that Adam was alone.

Something that I was not very attuned to during this pandemic, was that this is the first time in some, possibly many, people's lives where they truly felt isolated. I heard an influencer say that quarantine is like a depression - not being able to be social or work. It was a new perspective for me. While I understand that the pandemic has been a nightmare for some, my experience has been emotional and spiritual growth, because I have already passed through a period of a nightmare and woke up from it.

While I encouraged my readers to use this time to develop a personal relationship with God, which I also deepened and refined in my time in lockdown, I didn't consider the culture shock of truly being isolated with only one's thoughts. This is when relying of God is even more important: this is truly the time for God to be our main point of contact in quarantine.

The problem with developing a relationship with God when there is an abundance of free time, is that there are many hypnotic cult leaders, and very deep rabbit holes to fall down. I have gone down a couple in the past three months, but by the grace of God, along with past works, was able to not let it last more than a day or two. I don't even want to consider what people with no spiritual or emotional discipline are mentally tormenting themselves with at this time.

It's easy for me to be a Christian, because I had an experience with Jesus coming to me during a low point in my life in 2011, after having been fired from what I thought was going to be my dream job. So whenever I am seduced by charismatic teachers, I can easily recall who truly offers eternal life, and who can transcend the impermanent, emotional, and erratic social fads and norms. The only person I know this to be true, is Jesus.

Some people say that religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, and spirituality is for people who have been to it. I find this statement to be incomplete and unfounded. Religion sustains and protects an ideology, whereas "spirituality", whatever that actually means, is porous, with few, if any defences against deceit; where there are no clear boundaries, and where one can easily be misled during moments of weakness, such as a pandemic. A true religion will offer both consistency and inspiration, and will provide opportunities to be lifted up, and to grow, within a set of healthy guidelines that tames our egotistical and opinionated minds.

But sometimes we see these boundaries and rebel for a utopia, without the actual tools or blessings to create one. What we end up participating in is a world where we don't feel judged and where we don't feel wrong, but where we do feel scattered and ungrounded. Every healthy system has instructions and checks and balances, and every guideline that comes from God is rooted in love.

Instead of fighting a perceived limiting institution, I suggest learning its core precepts instead. Oftentimes in our attempts to be free we end up being more restricting. We interpret something to be a threat, oftentimes based from misinformation, and decide it can't help up. The truth is, we have a long history behind us and no matter what, we are going to be disenchanted at one point or another. But the hiccups along the road walking with Christ are a lot less disruptive than damaging trips on stones that random spirituality, oftentimes from unqualified teachers, places in our way.

Still Life with Bible by Vincent van Gogh

Foolproof

"Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip; liars pay close attention to slander." (Proverbs 17:4-5)

Being a generally gullible person, it can be difficult for me to see the intentions of others, and easy to be fooled by pretty facades. But reading this wisdom of Solomon was a big "Ah-ha" moment for me, because it makes it simple to spot falsehood.

I'm watching a reality show that started off appealing to my ambitions: making high-ticket sales in glamorous L.A. I am attracted to professions that entail commission and celebrity, and while I don't have the ambition to be a big shot, I do believe that we can be in the world, and still not of it. I imagine that we can be in a highly sought out and competitive environment and accumulate wealth, but still be of service to others, by being crafty as serpents, and gentle as doves, as Jesus also told us to be.

But in the second season, the premise diverts a bit, and it became so focussed on drama and gossip, that I stopped watching it. There is one character who seems very put together, and in my opinion seems the most mentally and spiritually healthy of the bunch. If I were to pick a role model from one of them, it would be her. But when I read the above passage from Proverbs, I could see how easily I can be fooled. 

Jesus said that we can judge a tree by the fruit it produces, and King Solomon breaks it down in the most pure and basic form - if they gossip, they are to be avoided at all costs!! I saw a real life example of how easily I can be deceived to believe something is lovely and desirable, even though I know that Satan appears to us as an angel of beautiful light. (2 Corinthians 11:14).

So much of my journey toward regeneration today involves appreciating a life well lived, which so far I have discovered to be very basic actions. It is crucial for me today to not compromise serenity for status, to not sacrifice health for beauty, and to not trade enlightenment for excitement. I recognise today that other people's opinions of me do not mean more than God's pride of me, and after this pandemic, that being popular won't carry me through being laid off and quarantined.

Being empowered by God, and knowing basic instruction to be safe and remain in His presence, makes being gullible a lot less insulting to my ego. It's okay to be simple, it's okay that the devil knows more than me and can easily fool me, because when I abide by God's wisdom, I can thwart any attempt to avert me from the grace and peace of God.

Gossip by Pol Ledent