S.H.

A poem I wrote in October, but I just edited the last line for better rhythm.

It’s time for me to go,

I didn’t mean to stay this long

It’s just that sickness within me

That says I cannot be alone.

But now the penny’s dropped,

And so with my intentions clear

I may know* this desperation

That has made me insincere.

*or, understand

Delusions of grandeur

My brain is utterly broken.

I do not believe that I was born with a defective brain anatomy, as I did not grow up with problems, or even difficulty learning. By grade one I was the second best student in reading, and by the end of primary school I was getting perfect in math. By the end of middle school I had for one piece become first violinist. And I did this all on my own. Not only with no help from teachers or parents, but within a broken home, as well.

But I suffered from delusions from a very young age. And they were delusions of grandeur. And not because I thought that I was so important, but that I was noticed enough to be chased down. I was in perpetual fear of being abducted and killed, but it was such a chronic fear, that I didn't realize that it wasn't normal.

As my drug addiction grew, they did become genuine delusions of grandeur. I believed that I was a highly sought out sleeper agent. I wrote to the Queen of England on more than one occasion, one time to "warn" her. This then morphed into a genuine belief that my family was in a top-ranking Satanic order, and that it was my sole purpose to bring down Freemasonry and expose the Illuminati. (I no longer believe that Freemasonry is evil, or even that the Illuminati is real, for that matter).

Today my delusions aren't as grandeur, but they are still present, maybe more so in the form of paranoia. I have learnt to recognize them today as they pop up, still frequently, and I am able to tell myself to calm down, and this is the way that I currently handle these intrusions. 

It is time for me to accept my mind, because there is absolutely no cure. I actually read on pyschcentral.com that the best treatment was psychotherapy, one-on-one with a therapist. This is utterly insulting. It is insulting that someone so uneducated is taking a teacher's role, but it is also insulting to offer false hope. I can say first hand, that when I was breaking down seven years ago at the peak of my psychosis in front of my doctor, he could only sit there and watch me cry. He could not help me anymore than a member of the Fellowship recognizes that no doctor can cure alcoholism. Granted, he did give me some medication that broke my extreme psychosis, to where it is the most manageable it has been in my life. I love my doctor, he helped save my life, and I have no intentions on implying any perceived limitations on his part. 

I do not believe that I will ever be fixed of my delusions, I do not believe that my brain will ever fully mend, and it breaks my heart. While I am being treated for manic-depression and while I have recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction, and have been blessed to help others recover, I am not fully integrated, and now understand that I never will be. 

But I am still of use, and I am learning to accept that with discipline and fellowship, I will be able to live a fulfilling life, which is beginning to manifest after my work in the Program. I am making amends, I am forming genuine bonds with other people, I am making a living for myself, I am saving a bit of money, I am responsible and accountable. I just have to remember this, and practice gratitude. Gratitude is a short-cut to God.

And I must learn to accept my illness, which means I must stop being ashamed of it, so that I may talk about it, so that others may benefit. Because if I am brave, and if I can stand up to my afflictions, then maybe one day others who are with me, can form enough of a number, that there may be a cure, for these delusions of grandeur.

Friday the 13th

Today marks my two years of sobriety. My last run was Remembrance Day - it gives "Remember When" a whole new interpretation for me :)

My friend in the Program is receiving his fifteen year medallion on Monday, and it got me thinking about long-term sobriety, and what it really takes to make it in the Program.

I attend an affluent group, and I joined because there were young people, and my sponsor thought it was time for me to fellowship. So, after I received my one year medallion, I made the move, and it was not an easy transition. There were times I really wanted to leave, and sometimes I still do, but that's because I am selfish and self-seeking, and I usually forget why I am there. I lack the humility that my friend has. I still have so much shame around my illness, that I like to push it to the side, placing myself in a position where I am vulnerable to getting so caught up with the boys and the girls and the fashion. It's human nature I suppose, but considering WHY I am there, it's ridiculous!

My friend who is receiving his fifteen year medallion does not get caught up in the sociality of the group. Instead, he has accepted his alcoholism and remembers the true spirit of the fellowship. He was one of the first people to be kind to me, and I will not soon forget that. And I don't just mean acknowledging my existence, I mean truly giving. I was in some uncomfortable scenarios, and he was so humble and supported me. And I say humble because he holds influence, and rightly so, as he is a founding member of the group, and yet his shares are so raw that they cut to the bone, and they are always in the genuine spirit to the Program. 

I get so wrapped up in the more glamourous side of this group that I soon forget where I come from and where I now need to go. I forget my primary purpose, which is to be saved and then to go out and save others. May I take this opportunity that someone humble has given us all, to remember when. 

The Good Wheel

I have changed my blog URL several times, usually because I don't want certain stalkers to read my writing. "The Good Wheel" is a URL that I chose several years ago, after a really great confession.

Before I was initiated into the Church, I was working toward yoga mastery, and I am not even kidding. I rose at 3 am to be at the ashram by 4 am where we would start with a twenty minute prayer, followed by an hour and a half of meditation followed by forty-five minutes of yoga. I studied under a teacher who was the master's disciple, and I was absolutely sure I had met my destiny. 

Then the Lord called me to the Church, right as I had started a year-long yoga teacher training program! It took me YEARS to let yoga doctrine go, and it did not go quietly. I did my utmost to incorporate Christianity and yoga as one, and there is evidence of this on my blog.

Finally, I came to realize that it is not right for me to try to manipulate these two disciplines to suit my intellectual and emotional needs. Hence "The Good Wheel" - I no longer needed to reinvent the wheel  :)

Maybe there is correlation between the ancient art of yoga, and the ancient church, but I could not manage being lukewarm, for I would always come crashing right down, demoralized and dejected in spiritual aridity. 

I still love New Age, currently I am enjoying chakra work and the use of crystals, and after having a spiritual experience as a result of practicing the Twelve Steps, I also now love Reformed theology, because truly, the Program is Protestant in nature (And I now believe that escape of total depravity through regeneration is more of a Great Awakening teaching than a Catholic one). But I no longer try to mesh it all in as one neat little teaching, where I become the Leader. Today, I respect each path as individual and autonomous, and I find that my life has been enriched by them all  :)

The branches

"Jesus said, 'What is the Kingdom of God like? To what can I compare it? It is like a mustard seed that a man took and planted in the garden. When it was fully grown, it became a large bush and the birds of the sky dwelt in its branches.'" - Luke 13.18-9

First Things First, one of our famous slogans, often cited, rarely understood.

"First see ye, the kingdom of God". In Matthew's gospel, he writes, "the kingdom of heaven", and for the fellowship, I find that most fitting. Originally, the Big Book said that we had found a piece of heaven, but a Catholic priest, who was one to edit the book, replaced "heaven" with "utopia". And how serendipitous is that? When we put first things first, when we work our program first, and then enjoy the fellowship second, we really do find the peace that resides within the kingdom. "For the kingdom of God is not eating or drinking, it is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Romans 14.17)

We find reward; the sheaves that we come back rejoicing with, after going to the fields in tears to collect them (Psalm 126). I did not put first things first, and I failed because of that. I put my passions first, and now there are at least two women in the fellowship whom I at this time cannot work with; two people who will not find protection from me, because of my defects of character, because I chased after someone who is connected to them. This is not what I had come for. This is not what we have all worked so hard to achieve and then maintain.

Now I go out into the fields weeping, and I hope that with first things first, I will soon be restored, and will have my bounty, which is the kingdom of heaven, because this time I have taken it too far, that now I shall only be comforted through works.

Release: a Poem to the Blood Moon

For every covering,
one did reveal him
to be not the ends
of a primitive means.

Though not at the time
could I see the release,
without expectation,
today welcome what is.

And now it is time
once again for redemption
but in foresight I saw,
which is how it is new.

Because this time I go
without fear or favour,
still I hope you will see,
and feel as I do.

My rebuttal

I have stayed away from politics for a very long time.  Once I was initiated into the Church, it really lost all meaning to me.  Then when I entered the Fellowship, I lived my life in accordance with Tradition Ten, "No opinion on outside issues."  If it didn't directly relate to the safety of my flesh or soul, I really didn't care, and if it could compromise my serenity, by causing opposition, I wanted nothing to do with it. 

And generally speaking, I've always been rather self-centered, to the point I have questioned if I am a sociopath.  But the past year, I have read reports in the news on ISIS, and it evoked an actual physical response, like a gut wretch, like I actually have wanted to be sick about things that I am reading about.  And learning the past week of all of these deaths of civilians fleeing Syria and Turkey, I have actually wanted to shed tears.  

Furthermore, I am now aware of what my government's policy is on refugees, which is that it is not our problem.  They actually said this.  

In lieu of the federal election coming up, the Conservative government's campaign ad is that Justin Trudeau is "not ready", but I believe that he is, and I posted a link of my profile stating so.  I was then told by a Christian that because Trudeau won't let anyone on his caucus be pro-life, he can never vote Liberal.  I understand that as a Catholic, I am to vote for the religious-right, but no, faith without works is dead, and this is one of those times when just prayers is not going to cut it.  I am OK being a heretic, in fact, I am proud to be one, and this heretic will still be communing with Christ at least once a week on Sundays.

My name means "Free One", and I believe that we should ALL be free: free from spiritual, cultural, and material oppression, free to marry who we like (To be "owned" by someone, with resources readily available for aid, because monogamy and emotional connections can be trying), free to prosper, even free to give our bodies for a night and not have it affect the rest of our lives and communities (even though I think that the attitude toward sex has become dangerous, and is now a tragedy, and the lack of support in understanding how an abortion can forever change a woman just as much so).

I have no idea what is happening with ISIS.  It is a strange organization, strangely powerful, strangely vicious, and strangely unopposed, but what I do know is, we need to get everyone who wants to get out of there, out of there, and we need to get into power the people who will have the compassion to get first things first done, even if they are sympathetic to the hedonistic. 

My address

I shared my story last night at my home group.  I was surprised that I ended it short, as I have spoken twice before, and had no trouble filling that allotted time.  My only true intention was to be a vessel of light, of God's merciful spirit.  I hope that I did good, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to be cemented to my fellow members now.  

But it was not easy, and I went to my mother's to debrief after the meeting.  I was upset that I seemed to have blanked out, so while she purposely informed me that she was not comparing me to the likes of this great orator, she told me about Abraham Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address".  Back in early America, people gave speeches - it was an event, and a speech would go on for hours; it was what people did for entertainment.

The only picture of the Gettysburg Address, is Mr. Lincoln sitting down, a blurry image captured, because the photographer thought he had a long time to set up.  Meanwhile, the speech was under three hundred words - and arguably one of the most important and memorable talks ever given.  

I used to debate on political forums about ten years ago, and it was generally believed that the Civil War was not actually about slavery, but Mr. Lincoln's speech shows that the 21st century generation needs a history lesson.

Here is the Gettysburg Address.  There are several known copies, but this is the one that is on display in the White House.  Let us please remember what America truly represents!  

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Abraham Lincoln

November 19, 1863

Modesty

I have a new friend from the fellowship, who not only has a solid program with long-term sobriety, but who is a good orator as well, and so that combined with a pure message that is perfectly aligned with the spirit of the program, her sharing always resonates with me.

The other week we were talking on the phone about how it's our thoughts that are sick - it's our thinking that is the root of our troubles.  And what she said, I without really considering at the time had actually banked, and I pull it up frequently.   Which is that she can go to bed, feeling amazing, accomplished in a day well lived, and yet wake the next morning in a terrible state, even though NOTHING has changed!!

Wow, yes, that story makes a lot of sense to me!  Especially last night.  My cat woke me in the middle of the night with a hairball, so I got up, cleaned it, and went back to bed, thinking, "I'm so happy, I'm nice and comfy. God is so good!  I've recovered from an indiscretion from the night before, I had a great meeting, healed, saw my mom, it's payday, AND I still get to sleep longer!" --- to being ABSOLUTELY PANICKED of the things in my life that I am unsure about.  And I can say without exaggeration that I have NO idea what triggered the fearful thoughts, or even what first thought gave way.

The past few days, God has been (mercifully) teaching me lessons in humility.  He has truly levelled me, to the point I would have wanted to have died (or break my sobriety) in the past, but not this time.  This time, I am doing everything OPPOSITE of what I usually think and do.  This time I am reaching out to others, and (silently) either asking for help, or offering to help.  THIS is the psychic change!  

The current deflation of my ego has improved my life drastically.  It is such a relief to not be "in charge".  My relationships with others have improved, because I no longer feel better than, and I have also learned that I don't need to feel less than, either, for in those cases where I feel "not good enough", I am really only just meant to "be".

And yes, to just "be" can hurt, but from my quick memory scan, that only has to happen, when I can't subside my roaring ego.  I have truly let the gifts that I have received, that I have ONLY received, through desperation and grace heal me, because I was WILLING.  That's it.  I am not special, and after this week, I really no longer even want to be.  I want to be equal, completely.  I want true (agape) love and friendship, and I am now suspecting that the price of (self-imposed) leadership is to be apart of - not a part of - and I am not willing to be "unique" any longer.

I realize now that I need to have God by my side in order to live life with grace and dignity, and so today I am working on connecting to my Higher Power WITHOUT fear or circumstance.  The Great Reality is within me, an unlimited inner resource to be called upon at anytime, and anywhere.  And I have complete faith and confidence that if I can successfully connect to God when I am losing sanity, I won't have to go from ten to zero (not even being able to recognize how it happened).  

Today I understand my mind to be more powerful than I can alone manage, to the point that letting God run it, all the time and not just some of it, is looking more and more attractive.  It is truly baffling where my mind can go, from either manipulating data, to unsupervised nonsense.  Maybe someday I really won't be going to meetings with my tail between my legs, but until I feel confident that I can live and let live, until I can remember that I need the meetings more than the meetings need me, that I need my sponsees more than they need me, and that I need God more than he needs me, I'm really going to be monitoring my thoughts - on a very.tight.leash.  

My spiritual awakening

I went to a ten year medallion last night and it was beautiful.  It wasn’t an unusual turnout, and the receiver wasn’t one of the cool ones, but her family was there, and the speaker’s family was there, and to me, THAT is what a “winner” looks like.  I went with a new friend whom I met downtown.  She has a substantial program, and she is like my sister.  I was also so grateful to be there, because I went back out two years ago exactly, and I lost touch with the birthday girl.  It was only because I heard her medallion announcement at my home group the week before, and that by the grace of God I wasn’t working, that I was able to attend.

The speaker who she chose was a man from my old home group, and while he was anything but eloquent, and his story was not at all linear, and therefore hard to follow, I had a spiritual experience listening to him.  He was perfect, in that, he told the truth.  And his truth was that when he came into the rooms about two decades ago, he couldn’t read, and that he still to this day can’t spell.  I genuinely like this man, he has always encouraged me, and been sensitive to my moods, even when I had no intention of a soul knowing, but that’s how beautiful his soul is, it can perceive.  When I heard that he would not go to meetings because he couldn’t do the readings, I felt the Spirit nudge at me.

But I didn’t make the connection that I have a degree in English, or that I am an inherent teacher (being the daughter of one), and that I could be of great service this way.  Instead, as we closed the meeting with the Lord’s Prayer, I thought, I really have had a psychic change, in that my view of success has officially changed.  I know that I can be perfectly happy on my pay grade, so I will focus my attention on the store, and apply for full-time which will give me a slight raise, a bit of security, and I can be fulfilled as a salesclerk.

But when I woke up this morning, after my meditation, I found myself searching for teaching literacy skills to adults.  I came across a college, and I inquired about volunteering there.  I felt such peace, relief, and surety.  I finally see what others have seen for so long, and who have pushed me to do.  But this was the gradual process: I first had to recognize the importance and satisfaction of living a more natural life - where I am not blowing my meager paycheques on vanity, over-spending on prepared foods, and where in the final analysis being at peace with the reality I might not have the big house and luxury car (though I am still going to try for it).

I have questioned, what is my talent?  And now I know.  People are naturally drawn to me, I can help so many people, and illiteracy is such a shame-based problem, that people will want to overcome their pain, just to come to me.  This, I really think, will be my great apostleship.  

God is always in the details, especially the ugly ones where we are sure he is not.  I remember I had a resentment toward my grade one teacher, and my mother saying, “She taught you to read, and she taught you to read well.”  And then my love, Gary, who loved Judy instead, and I carried that with me for so long, it is part of my story.  That heartache and that push for attention, and the rejection, which repeated itself up until the very recent past.  But again, God had other plans.  Because my strive for Gary’s attention forced me to compete with him, and he was the best in the class, so I pushed to be as good as him.  And today, who knows, maybe that was entirely the point, so that I could become as good as I did.

Ultimately, my happiness today comes from re-defining success, and to remember that to God, what is a thousand years to us, is but a day to him.  I worked so hard for serenity, and now I know that the only way to fully achieve it, is to give away what we have.

Change the station

It is a vicious cycle to be crippled by a broken heart. In order to surpass it, one must be motivated enough to focus energies elsewhere, but how is one to do just that, when in a state of such devastation, that they cannot think straight enough to be able to concentrate on anything other than the emotional pain that signals to us that it is better to just lay down and die, and which quite often manifests itself into an exhausting physical clutching, literally like the physiological aftermath of an assault.

I’m not the only one who battles crushing challenges, but I’m one of the few who battles them sober. And so I can say with confidence that it does get better, it does pass, and the faster we learn and then apply the tools that can be used to be optimistic, to be thankful, and to not be ashamed, the faster we can have the strength needed to get out of our pain long enough help lift others up, and that is entirely the purpose of life, even when it all seems just so unfair. Because who knows what amazing things can happen in communities, when someone feels good enough to act upon what they are meant to do, to fulfill what God had designed for their genius to be. And in turn, we have been mercifully moved from a suffocating cycle, to a nourishing one, for it is in giving that we receive. 

We do not know God’s will, and today, I won’t even speculate what His will is for me. But what I am confident about, is that my pain, or perceived pain, is not a result of punishment. I will not be fooled into believing the lies of the devil, who tells me that I am unforgiven for past errors, for this is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, and this is the one unforgivable sin that Christ warned us about. Rather, we are in bondage to principalities from above, but we can be made free, through faith, hope, and charity. Once we recognize our exile, the gratitude for the promise of peace is the first step in being released from all suffering, and a starting point from where we may build useful and purposeful lives.

It can be so frightening to feel left behind, but we are never alone, for not only are there others who need help in one way or another, thereby making us who heed the call wholly valuable and perfect, but we are already victorious, because all of us who believe in goodness and righteousness, whether baptized by water or not, can take courage, for the world has already been given to us. That means that we are heirs of everything that we have ever wanted. Once we can recognize this, even the smallest glimmer of hope will suffice to give us enough grace to see that it really only takes a moment, to change the station. 

Endnotes:

Ephesians 6.12
Galatians 5.1
Colossians 2.15
John 16.33

First Things First

"First seek ye the kingdom of God." (Matthew 6.33)  - This is the quote behind our slogan, "First Things First".

Most people don't know that, and the way that New Age/Eastern philosophy has infiltrated the Fellowship, nor do they care. 

I came to a critical understanding of first things first today. As a Catholic, I say my prayers in the morning and at night, I offer penance to the Virgin Mary, and sometimes I even attend church during the day, and is perhaps why I have never put too much emphasis on Step Eleven, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out."

But now that I am taking a newcomer through the Steps, I realized that I have to at least try to practice prayer and meditation in a way that I can pass on through the program. The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, also known in the fellowship as the Eleventh Step Prayer, is the closest to an Eleventh Step that I tend to get. And it is helpful. When I was adjusting to working in a new section at the store, and was being ostracized and left out, I recited that prayer to myself, "Grant that I might not so much seek to be consoled, as to console...for it is in dying that we are born unto eternal life."

But I have recently come to realize that it does not matter how well, how often, or even how genuinely I practice the Eleventh Step. If I do not have solid footing in Steps Six and Seven (from seeing the cold stark facts about myself in a Fifth), then I have no business thinking that Step Eleven could possibly offer me any favour, or that I am deserving of any sort of absolution. As the Apostle Paul wrote, "Though I have all the faith necessary to move mountains - if I am without love, I am nothing." (1 Corinthians 13.2)

If I am so lustful that I am infringing on the autonomy of another, so greedy that I leave my peers behind, so angry that I blame those I care about, so proud that I will not treat people with due attention, or so envious that I am crippled with anxiety, then no matter how diligent my external acts are, or how sincere my intentions, my spiritual progress is at best stagnant and at worst, condemnable. 

In the program we believe that pain is a great motivator, and surrender via humiliation took me through Step One, and now Step Six as well. Today I recognize that not only can I not afford to physically slip anymore, but nor can I now spiritually, either. How can I have a program, and at the same time be getting fired, or arrested, or being disconnected from my peers and family. It is a disservice to the program, which saved my life and possibly even my soul, because it taught me how to earn what Christ said I need to do in order to gain salvation: be reborn (John 3.3).

Thank God for the patience of others, who have helped me get to where I am today, who told me the truth, and without codependency and without hurting me, helped heal me. And thank God for the gift of desperation, because when I was drowning in a sea of sin, I was offered enough grace to understand that peace comes from letting go, not from taking in. 

Recognize, release, and restore - This to me now, is First Things First. 

Seek HIS refuge

Step One is about more than just "admitting" that we are powerless over alcohol.

It is actually surrendering to it.

We have agreed that alcohol is a power greater than ourselves, and we all have our different stories, under the same banner, which drove us into the rooms. But who of us truly believes that it is bigger, faster, stronger, and craftier than us? The very few of us who do recover.

Imagine that alcohol is your opponent on the battlefield, and you are the last man standing. All the others have fled or died. (Let's say family, friends, and employers, all of those people who most of us have lost one way or another, by the end). It's time to surrender.

When we look at what it means to surrender in war, it no longer becomes a word that implies some sort of righteous, humble action-taking before God, that it seems to have taken in the fellowship. No, it is actually saying to your enemy, "Do what you will with me now."

What a terrifying thought.

And this is why those who recover "get it", and are far and few between. Because now, we have given up any power, or any illusion of power that we (thought we) had. We know that we are at the end, and we finally saw that there is no fight left in us. It doesn't matter how high or low the bottom, it is just about saying, "Enough!"

But now here's the dilemma: we need real intervention, or else we might as well have just died on the battlefield, for we are just shells, as powerless as we were before we ever admitted complete defeat. 

Who can save us now? We've just placed ourselves as a lamb before the slaughter.

So the answer is in Step Two, and for many of us, myself including, it starts out with the meetings.

That gives us some strength, enough to blindside our enemy long enough for us to dash out of sight, but that's not enough. We are still homeless, powerless, and running out of fuel.

It's time for Step Three, because we - the ones who have found shelter and food - won't be around everywhere you go, and you see, you have to go, for we all have different paths to walk. Who can be present, no matter what the condition? Who is greater than all of us combined?

Make your decision.

Now.

Because we will ask you to leave if you have overstayed your visit. We are not here to hold your hand, but we are here to rejuvenate you, and to offer camaraderie when you follow instruction.

We are just like you - survivors from a bloodied battlefield, but we are no longer camping out, wandering.

We have achieved a sustainable way of living. We are no longer empty shells, but are now vessels of Spirit. So either follow in our footsteps, to the One who has all Power, or you will be left alone to the wolves and the thieves .

Make no mistake about it. This disease is deadly. It either destroys the body, imprisons the mind, or plunders the spirit.

We who have recovered have sought a path beyond a finite line from no man's land. We rest within a greater power now, and we can and will help only those who take direction

And we do not give handouts.

Rest in Peace Paul.

Hate the world

I am in a few Catholic/Protestant groups on Facebook, and thousands upon thousands of members actually think they are being good followers of Christ, posting from their egos, when instead we are taught to die to self.

To take after Christ is to be despised by the world. It is to be the one in a hundred who walks alone, with only God by his side, because there is only one who can be shepherd. The handful in an entire community who have the honesty to challenge mediocrity and the politically correct social committees. Those precious few, already rare, who are then scattered as well. This is one of the devil's war tactics: divide and conquer. 

Instead of supporting each other, we look at our faith superficially so that we can appear to be more favoured or pure, more desirable and trust-worthy. We think to be a good Christian is to do good deeds or say the right prayers at the right times of the day. No, that is not what it means to be saved, at all. To be a real follower of Christ is to have a total rebirth, to cut out the root of darkness that has grown like a weed in the very depth of our spirits. To then have that newly emptied space which has been utterly voided of sin, ready and open and desperate to be filled with God's spirit - that is what it means to be born again.

To love our neighbour enough that we genuinely want them to have a nice day, free from the pain of this cold world, and to not do a good deed simply because it is convenient, on the way, a resource directly in front of us, or that we're in a good mood. *Brushes palms of hands briskly against each other, "That's my good deed for the day" nonsense*.

No, it is to come from a place of love even in suffering, of compassion even when feeling dejected. While it is well and good to want to earn heaven and avoid hell, it is even better to sincerely care enough for a person that we will pray for them, even if they have hurt us, that we will be happy for those we are jealous of, or that we will lift others up, with the risk of being unseen ourselves. That is the Great Commandment.

Jesus said that he will spit the lukewarm from his mouth. He also said that he will deny anyone who is not reborn, even if they do all the right "actions".

"Many will come to me on that day and say, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons, and perform many miracles?' And to them I will say, 'Get away from me, you evildoers. I never knew you.'" - Matthew 7.22-23

A Cure

At my meeting tonight, a big topic was relapsing. Several of the more prominent recovered members, who take on sort of teacher roles, talked about there being no such thing as a "relapse": that it's a catch phrase from the past twenty years or so, and that the word used before that was "slip".

Their point was that there ought to be no insinuation that something was lost (sobriety), because something was never gained (recovery). It really inspired me, and I immediately began to contemplate what sobriety really is. In the program, we believe that there is only one solution to alcoholism, and that is connecting with God through the Steps. In other words, the cure is spiritualism, and the premise is that if we follow the clear set of instructions as outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, we will recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. We will not "relapse".

About two hours later, on a completely unrelated note (but God is in the details), I was speaking with a teacher who was talking about a student who was having trouble with his assignments, and with three weeks left of the year, she was putting pressure on the parents to help out. She said how this student has severe problems, and I asked if the school psychiatrist does not have the tools to help him. The child cannot be helped for various reasons, one being that the school can only intercede so far without direct parental consent, to which they will not give.

I asked, was he schizophrenic, and she said no. In my ignorance I asked, what is worse than schizophrenia, and she looked away thoughtfully and paused. She lowered her brows and said slowly and quietly, that she thought he might be an actual psychopath.

I remember reading once online that the word "psychopath" was coined by a doctor in the late nineteenth century to diagnose an alcoholic, and that the term actually morphed into "sociopath", to denote the damage that was done on society. While I have been having trouble cross-referencing this, I did stumble upon a pioneer of psychotherapy, Hervey Cleckley, who is attributed for coming up with the most influential research in psychopathy in his book published in 1941, just two years after Alcoholics Anonymous was published in 1939.

One thing that he noted, was that the psychopath can seem normal and engaging. This is exactly, and I mean exactly, what we read tonight in one of the stories in the book. A man named "Jim", who seemed "normal so far as we could see, except for a nervous disposition...In a few years (after he began drinking at thirty-five) he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed". (35).  It's actually eerie.

This teacher who I mentioned is so smart and compassionate. This child is so ill that he actually frightens the other teachers, but not this one. But to see that even the best don't have an explanation, this is when we start using the word "hopeless". This is the history of alcoholism, and why today A.A. is such a massive organization, even internationally, with its book translated in about every language, being read in about every culture.  It is the only antidote.

There was no solution, and so sufferers were locked away in asylums reserved nearly exclusively for alcoholics. But somehow, through a lineage of people and deliverance ministries, we now have a remedy, eighty years later. To think how this fellowship has exploded, just a few generations ago, with today there being millions upon millions of members worldwide, with every meeting following the same format. So one meeting in North America is the same in Europe or the Middle East or Russia: we can go anywhere, and we are brethren. It is incredible, it has saved lives, families, and communities. Truly, we all take it for granted. 

And I now wonder, is it possible, is it entirely possible that someone so deranged, so vicious, so seemingly soulless, could have a daily reprieve, as well?

So much of our program is about the grace of God; it's tempting to make decisions on who can be healed, and who can't, and it's easy to ignore problems, until the moment they arise. But even the demons will rise again on the day of the resurrection (2 Peter 2.4). How far can God's grace go, and do we really have the ability to choose it, or to decide who is capable of receiving it.

Pentecost Sunday

Yesterday marked the end of Easter, when the Apostles received the Holy Spirit. 

The day before, a man from the Fellowship asked if I had received the gift of tongues when I was baptized (for I am a convert, as he is). I said no, and I realized that I had no idea what gift I received.

That night, I dreamt that I was speaking in tongues, and it was really frightening, like I was possessed. When I awoke and went to church the next morning, I didn't even know it was Pentecost. I fell into a depression after the climax of the Easter season, and haven't been too consistent in my attendance, and have been a little "out of it". But I went to confession two weeks ago, and got that all sorted out. I was so glad I went to Mass, it was a very big day in the Church; I was also amazed that the theme of tongues had kept coming up the past couple of days.

After I took the Eucharist, I asked the Father to speak to me, but nothing came. When the priest said the closing prayer/verse reading about showing the world the glory of the Lord, something like that, I thought, in my dream, there was no real marvel, it was more so just plain scary. Then I realized that the prophets were fearsome. Not because they were intimidating as people, but because their messages were often forewarning. 

And then a voice came to me, "You are a prophet", and I knew it to be true. And as I meditated on this message, I realized that I was baptized specifically to receive this gift. I didn't necessarily want to be baptized. Yes I knew that something was missing, but I was in yoga teacher training at the time, and I thought I was going to be filled with the mastery of Eastern esotericism instead. But the Church led me, and I had to heed her call, for it is written, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fill all righteousness".

Prophets make people feel uneasy, that's why Jesus said that a prophet is not accepted in his hometown. When I was little, I was so afraid of Jesus. It was so strange, because children are taught that Jesus is all love, and all embracing. My mother had to reassure me, telling me that if he did appear to me, I would feel warmth and comfort. I aspire to be this for other people, but the message is clear: Accept your remorse, and clean up!

The Lord says that what he really wants is a broken and contrite heart. If your heart is broken, it is because there is something that you did wrong, there is something that you must confess! Look deep, because it's there, there is something there for you to be rid of that is rotting away at your soul. You're not a bad person, but you are a spiritually sick person, and your troubles are of your own making.

I used to feel sorry for people, and my entire life, I put myself down, thinking that I was either helping others to feel as good as me (or, not as bad as they actually were), or better than me. It was especially hard for me at the store. There is no kindness there, it is the epitome of the corrupted large corporation, and I felt so sorry for my co-workers, to the point that I didn't want to leave, because I felt I didn't deserve it.

But the past week, as I made my decision to work toward a fulfilling future, I realized that we have to work to be successful in life. And it's hard work, because it takes discipline. It's far easier to go and do work, typically mindless work, and to get a paycheque, than to branch off and take a new (usually frightening) direction.

Today, I know the difference between compliance and compassion, between false pride and genuine love. By staying at the store, I was confusing being a "team player" with being unmotivated. But the reality is that I am a leader, and I can see now that there is no place for real leadership in that store. And I no longer take pity upon my colleagues for their abhorrent working conditions, because I have come to realize that no one needs to be there. People get stuck in life, because they get stuck in their SINS. Most notably in this case, greed (on the management side) and sloth (on the worker side). And permit me to clarify. I mean "sloth" in the, just roll-over-and-die, go out with a whimper,  sense. We are spread thin, and I use NO exaggeration when I say that "they" would use whips, if they could.

Be happy. Look to the Lord, be perfect like He is. Why are you not perfect? Why are you resentful of the past, empty of hope in the present, and full of fear for the future? What are you holding onto that is preventing you from being satisfied? Is it anger? jealousy? lust? Are your defects eating away at your connection to God, and to your ambitions?

Cut it out at the root by being honest with yourself and with someone else who is in a position to help and offer direction, and finally, be FREE from the powers of darkness, be abundant in good fruits, and go in PEACE! 

Sons of God

In reading Bible Gateway's daily passage the other day, about the good things that come from heaven, as recorded by James in chapter 3, I thought about the peacemakers that Jesus taught about in his beatitudes, when he said that they will become (sons) of God, and I realized that sons of God are not angels, as generally thought about from Genesis 6.4. This is a big revelation, and would turn the conspiracy community upside down. 

Major theologian players and saints have taught that sons of God mean angels, or even that they were descendants of Seth (Good), and that the daughters of men were descendants of Cain (Evil). This as well must be erroneous, for God does not choose favourites.

As Luke writes, sons of God are LIKE angels. We are not, in fact, angels. Many false paths could be dug up, if we as a society (for there are many of us, from New Age to Christian to possibly even Agnostic) would recognize that humans and angels are interspecial. I would like to be an angel, people have tended to call me one, in fact. But if anything, I am a prophet. We are humans, and the best that we can do, is aspire to be a peacekeeper, so that we might enjoy the fruits of the angels.

There is a reason why the peacemaker receives the highest award for his works, because to keep peace is to constantly come from a place of love, and as Paul said, the most important gift that we may give, and inso then receive, is love.

In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with being human. Yes, it is unglamourous and painful and at times even crude, but we who have been baptized know that we are the Lord's prized possession. And that, is certainly worth living for.

Volume II

"'I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.'"

Isaiah 41.9-10, NIV

Blessed are the meek

This is an article that I wrote exactly two months ago. I believed that I was going to get a dotcom site, and I had begun preparing articles for it. This is the third article that I wrote, and I thought it would be nice to post it for my April entry. Peace.

` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` `

Today I came to an important understanding in Christ’s words. While I understand that his beatitudes were to inspire and uplift, I now realize that the “have-nots” really are the inheritors of the earth. While meek does not mean poor, it does mean to be soft and gentle, and that is why this type does not usually make it big in the cut-throat world of industry. Ergo, the meek can easily get left behind in this world of commerce.

I have been working at a big department store, and it has turned my world view upside down. It has been an invaluable experience, because it has made me a better person. I can peacefully work with all sorts of personalities now, I am better in customer service than I have ever been (which is a talent in itself), I have grown in patience, because I have learnt that even the most annoying and mundane tasks can actually be beneficial to me and my time,  I dispelled a lot of my social fears and anxieties, I cultivated a discipline that earned me a fast track through the ranks, but most importantly, it connected me to life in a way that I deep down always wanted, but was too proud to take on.

I managed to stay where I have been the past year and a half, because of my co-workers, and even the managers. I love the camaraderie, and that feeling of unity has been the bright spot in my days. It doesn't matter what is going on in my body or mind when I get into work: the moment I see a peer, all is right in my world again. We find ways to survive, because the store is the epitome of capitalism, with its gilded floors and ceilings, overpriced merchandise for the credit card holders, and yet neglect, filth, and scarcity behind the curtains. I would often think to myself, why should I have a way out? What about the immigrants, the uneducated, the full-timers who are pushing into their second or even third decade, with very little benefits? I began to see the greedy, self-entitlement of the consumer, and the exhaustion of the worker, and the unrealistic expectations that are placed on us, when the boss is in a different country who tell us to do something, and then puts pressure on us to amend it.

So I began to identify less with my co-workers. I could not understand how they could work in such trying conditions, and I began to plan my way out. After speaking with a (rational) engineer though, I came to realize that, while it is easy to slip through the cracks in a big corporation, these jobs are in fact needed: they are therefore important, and there are valuable workers to heed the call. While a sales associate will not make the same salary as an administrator or manager, for example, we all have a right, regardless of our line of work or education, to have a sustainable income. We all have the right to clean and safe environments. Ultimately, this job has made me a socialist.

Today, this job has also helped me to understand part of what Jesus meant in his Sermon on the Mount. As the store continues to grow in capitalism, more high-end labels are coming in, and they are coming in on their own accord. The worker and the customer are in danger of getting left behind. The licencees have their own workers, and these workers either think they are in the class of the customer, or maybe they just never really grew up. I am now the only non-licencee working in this back area of the floor, which has seemed to make me vulnerable. The silent drama that I have experienced the past few days with them has been unlike anything I have ever experienced. Not even in elementary school have I been ostracized in this way. I have never witnessed such a vicious takeover. While the rejection lasted but a couple of weeks, after a licencee who remained neutral interceded on my behalf, it was an incredible lesson.

Now I know what Jesus really meant. The meek stick together. We form bonds, and we lift each other up, whereas the proud hurt each other, and step on the toes of their fellows. The meek ask each other how they are doing, but the proud ask each other what they are doing. The meek support and cover each other; the proud are distant and absorbed. The meek turn away from complaining; the proud feel it’s obligatory to complain. The meek are tired and weary; the proud are wired and looking to impress. The meek inspire and offer advice; the proud doubt and confuse. The meek are the ones who will show their faces when you are hurting; the proud are the ones who will look away.

This is why the meek are blessed, this is why we are happy even in our destitution, and this is how we keep going. God adores the meek, and prepares us a room in his mansion, and so, we need not be concerned about having one ourselves. We have already inherited the earth, so now we just want to make sure our guests feel comfortable. 

Real humility

I was at a meeting last week, and I was controversial. It really took even me by surprise; I have worked intentionally to neither cause waves, nor teach, nor marginalize. But I have been taken to a place in my recovery, where I truly understand the program. While sponsorship is imperative, it really is about a spiritual answer: a God answer. 

For me, this has always been why in our Traditions, we specify that we attract by our lives, rather than our words. We cannot force God onto anyone, that would be futile. Faith is between man and God alone, however, as the literature says, we must not shy away from the topic of God. 

After I preached, I felt uncomfortable; most of us who enter the program are bitter, and I must remember that I was no exception. But, by the grace of God, I wanted recovery badly enough, that I humbled myself enough to go to Layla and her group. Maybe I feel like I paid my dues, and now I know better than others, but maybe I really do have the real message now, as well. 

We then read pieces of Step Three from the Big Book, and I felt that we could have taken my preaching as the selfishness of the active alcoholic, for he is usually in opposition with someone else. I began to contemplate when is opposition a result of being self-serving, and when is it a result of being prophetic? In truth, I felt embarrassed. So I said, you know what, it can be hard, but I never stopped going to meetings, and that turned out to be my saving grace.

I had to think fast. Our Preamble says that we come to a turning point, and that we turn to His protection and care with COMPLETE abandon. God either IS or He ISN'T. What was our decision to be? This is verbatim, and yet, how easy it is to either gloss over it, or just be plain ignorant. Then people like me come, and look like the bad guy. But I came upon an article that Layla posted, and she reminded me what the Bible says:

"All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way." ~ Luke 4:28-30

I must remember that the Lord said that I will be hated, for he was. but that does not change the Program. God either IS or He ISN'T, he is either the spiritual answer that has been lost in time, or your meetings are. But, will your meetings stay with you when you are fearful about your finances, or envious of your neighbour, or resentful at your government, or obsessed with your relationships? 

I can tell you from direct experience that God will heal us of those defects, and it takes a genuine Step Three, Six, Seven, Ten, and Eleven to do that. But, if you think the Steps are enough, you are wrong, for you are missing one constituent: humility. Humility, such a strange word, just as foreign as "Thy will be done." (Again, the Truth guiding the aforementioned Steps). I have heard time and again people say that they do not know what the word humility means, that they can't grasp the concept that it does not actually mean "embarrassment", or that they don't know what is "God's will". And yet, when people like me come along to tell them exactly what it means, they put their backs up. Why? 

Maybe it's because these people are not real alcoholics, or maybe their crash course isn't going in the direction of a real Step One. Either way, they are infiltrating our Fellowship. If they are the latter, we must pray for them to have the courage to walk in the "sunlight of the Spirit", but if they are the former, it is time to filter them out, before the founders are no longer known to us through direct contact of the old-timers, but are only known through books, leaving the fellowship vulnerable to Evil. 

Karma's a bitch

There is no salvation in karma, the governing principle in Eastern philosophy, for there is no true justice is this widely misunderstood doctrine. Those who have rejected their Christian birthright in the chase for serenity by seeing the "god within" have failed to see that karma is more a bitch than they can reckon with. 

By the very definition of karma, pain can never be relieved, and therefore evil can never be conquered: it is a vicious cycle, not a holistic one. The New Age movement completely and utterly fails to confront the fundamental flaw in the teachings of karma, which is the silent assertion that pain is deserved. 

Another serious flaw is the game of chance: in order for one's karma to come back to them, another must set up his karma to be consequently further corrected at a later time, by which another will set up her karma, and so on. For Jack's wrongs to be righted, Jill must be be his justice, while simultaneously becoming a victim, being setup for her intrusion on Jack to be avenged.

But the Westerner already had his victim and avenger, fully vindicating his entire and complete existence, through Jesus Christ, and yet we see more and more leaving the Son of God to proclaim some perverse self-demi-god nature. That, to me, is the poster-child of insanity. 

Light in darkness

"'Build up, build up, prepare the road!

Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.'

For this is what the high and exalted One says - 

he who lives forever,

whose name is holy:

'I live in a high and holy place,

but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit,

to revive the spirit of the lowly

and to revive the heart of the contrite.

I will not accuse them forever,

nor will I always be angry,

for then they would faint away because of me - 

the very people I have created...

I have seen their ways,

but I will heal them...

Peace, peace to those far and near'

Says the Lord.

'And I will heal them'...

But the wicked are like the tossing sea,

which cannot rest,

whose waves cast up mire and mud.

'There is no peace', says the Lord,

'for the wicked.'"

Isaiah 57.14-6+18-21

Strength

"Prepare for war!

Rouse the warriors!

Let all your fighting men draw near and attack.

Beat your plowshares into swords

and your pruning hooks into spears.

Let the weakling say,

'I am strong!'

Come quickly all you nations from every side,

and assemble there...

Multitudes, multitudes

in the valley of decision!

For the day of the Lord is near

in the valley of decision."

Joel 3.9-11+14

Ash Wednesday

Today marks the beginning of Lent, and we receive our ashes, to remind us of the transience of this life.

Our bodies will return to the ground, but what of our souls? We use this time to purify ourselves, to seize an opportunity to better imitate Christ. There are three ways that we do this:  fasting, prayer, and almsgiving.

Fasting is the hardest for me. I do not eat much, and might even be a bit underweight, and yet, the idea of not eating however much I want, or when I want, is offsetting; possibly even frightening to me. 

But thanks be to God, I made it to Mass tonight to start this off right, and I am genuinely grateful for this opportunity to become better. While I have wanted to be more disciplined, I just did not have enough reason, but now, I am ready to be in the "desert", with the encouragement of a community. And then, Laura Secord Easter Eggs, baby!!

"Even now, says the Lord, return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; rend your hearts and not your clothing...Blow the trumpet in Zion; declare a fast; call a solemn assembly; gather the people. Sanctify the congregation; assemble the aged; gather the children, even infants at the breast. Let the bridegroom leave his room, and the bride her canopy."

Joel 2.12-3+15-6          

The kingdom of God is in our hearts

I have been struggling with my studies lately. My mind has been wandering unsupervised, and then after having a number of significant disappointments, which had been accumulating since early fall, drive all of my grand designs to a screeching halt this week, my weary being was officially exhausted.

I was to work at the bar tonight, and as soon as my shift started, I knew I was in trouble. I could barely get out of bed, I was just dreading my day starting. This winter weather also reaches its peak in February, which was just insult to injury. How was I going to "entertain" the regulars when I've been a blink away from tears?

When the expectations of the fruit of my labour does not ripen for the picking, my faith becomes weak. Being a Christian means sacrifice of self, so that we may merge with God. This is the way of the Cross. But when I am feeling dejected, and that there is nothing left to give, I go into survival mode, and I just want to take instead. I want to fill that void that I have created in my heart. All I want is to go my own way, and do as thou wilt.

While I have felt so far removed from any inspiration, I knew that I needed help fast. So I went to my Bible app, and read whatever came up first. It was from Luke 17, and I only needed to read one sentence before my heart began to pump again. Jesus said that we are not to look for the kingdom of God, because it is not a physical place; rather, it is "amidst" us. "Amidst" is the original word, but "within" is more popularly known, and is an acceptable translation as well. 

I put my trust in God. I use my faith to make sense of my life, and I spend most of my energy in trying to do the next right thing, and in reading, contemplating, communicating with other Christians, attending mass, and prayer. So when I really can't make sense of certain letdowns and I start to slack, I find it hard to bounce back. Fortunately, I have enough "muscle memory", that I instinctively knew to connect with God so that I could have the best attitude possible, as I knew I was at the end of the line. 

As I was preparing for my shift, I intrinsically recalled that the ailment was not in my external failures, but rather my internal assumptions. So when I turned to the scripture not even thirty minutes after this revelation, I was then ready to recognize the truth of Christ's words, even though I have read that verse countless of times. I realized that he was talking about our hearts: that is the "center", or the "amidst", and this is the fulfillment of the prophecy in the Old Testament, when Yahweh declared that he would write the Law on our hearts, instead of on cold, hard stone. 

I was given a gift of brief meditation, first to recollect my bearings, and then to turn to ancient wisdom. And so, my heart had been relieved, and I was ready to receive my guests. Sometimes we can feel defeated by loss, rejection, disappointment, even bad weather, but we will always have a way out of despondency, because Christ assured us that we can take heart, for he has already conquered the world.

Rigorous honesty

I was at a meeting this week, and while I think the group has an awesome group conscious, and that the chair did an excellent job, this particular meeting was incredibly flaky. There were so many disgusting excuses like, "I'm having a hard time finding a sponsor who I can click with", to, "I don't need to be perfect, it's okay to make mistakes", to, "The universe is so big, and I'm so small. Really, nothing matters very much", and, "We don't take anything when we leave here, we really need to lighten up." 

OH MY GOSH

Needless to say, these are the dry drunks and the chronic relapsers. Um, HELLO!! This is why our emblem says we only recover unless we are "rigorously honest". So, what does this mean, what exactly is honesty here. Honesty is to accept our illness and all its devastating consequences. This is Step One, and anyone who does not recognize that they are on a crash course, have ZERO right to be sitting in on any other Step.

It is so easy to dress up a bit, flirt a bit, socialize a bit, and to then sit down and say, "Oh yeah, I'm doing really well", without sharing how they are doing well, because in actuality, they are just on a high from being out and about. Then, an hour later, they go home only to be sitting in the same shit. Yeah, that shit that caused us to enter the rooms in the first place. Who actually cleans off that shit? From what I see and hear, not too many. And this is because no one is actually looking at their true selves. 

There is a reason why the word "psychopath" was coined by doctors in the late 1800's to categorize alcoholics. We are not good members of society (when actively drinking, and even after, if we don't "clean house", we simply become "dry", with no actual recovery). We steal, lie, cheat, act out, destroy relationships, hurt others, lose jobs...the list is ad infinitum. To delete these destructive behaviours from our lives is the ENTIRE purpose of the program. The true alcoholic knows that in order to recover from alcoholism we must shed the shortcomings that cause the character defects that literally destroy lives.

I cringe listening to people talk in meetings about New Age nonsense and "progress, not perfection", when they offer no solution, and I am not at all better for it; everyone's time is wasted. That time was important to me, because in my messy breakup, I really needed to listen to recovered alcoholics who practice the principles of the program, helps me with my outside issues to live within proper conduct. 

But despite my shortcomings, so long as I stay in the Sunlight of the Spirit, I can offer a solution. I knew I was desperate, and I listened to the people who genuinely went through the Steps, not those who read from the Twelve and Twelve, and who "share" on what particular sentence inspired them that evening. Because I looked at myself, saw the nastiness and talked about it, I began to heal, and was then able to actually tell others how. This program is about the Twelve Steps, and the sponsorship that helps us stay on the straight and narrow. So let's stop making this program into something that it's not. No more Christianity, no more Buddhism, no more New Age...NO MORE.

I want to ask these people to stop wasting my time; they are not my people. because I am not even sure they are real alcoholics, or if they are just so dishonest that it is nothing short of frustrating to see them try to Twelve Step us, or sponsor a true alcoholic who actually needs to clean house in order to survive. These losers who instead have false spiritual experiences and then fill the rooms with nonsense that will not keep them sober, nor lend a hand to anyone who still suffers. This program has become such a facade, and it is deceptive that sick people who really don't want to admit that they are sinking will use it as a group therapy/social club. They need to leave the fellowship and start a book club instead.

Oh, but right, they wouldn't be able to do that, because that means they would actually have to be social without their crutch. Don't be fooled by their codependent niceties. These are the people who will smile to your face, and stab you in the back. They are lying, manipulating, cliquey fakers, and clearly have no desire to recover. I have witnessed this for myself. Gossiping, confrontational, and my favourite, "I came in and just stopped drinking", or, "I accidentally took a sip from a glass of straight vodka, but it was an accident, so it didn't count", garbage.

There is a battle between the people who practice from the Big Book, and those who simply go to meetings. There are some very powerful speakers, mostly from Cocaine Anonymous, because as a non-alcohol group, there is the temptation to use the Steps, the slogans, the common teachings that have no trace to the pioneers ("No dating in the first year", "Go to ninety meetings in ninety days"), but to not read from the original text. But this is also common in the fellowship as well. And this is why some call the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the "Bible": it has not been changed, it is the literature that teaches about the need for God, and if sincerely studied with recovered alcoholics, there is no need for any other text.

And, it is the Big Book that maps out, bitterly but necessarily, our core ailment: the selfishness that preoccupies us so terribly, that causes so much pain to ourselves and consequently to others, and which insidiously tells us that we can run the show without a legitimate Director. This is why those who use the fellowship as a social club, simply do not recover. They can not, even though their lives depend on it, accept (Step One) that there is something socially hideous about them. It is really sad, but what is more disappointing, is being in a fellowship with them.

Gratitude

Tonight's meeting was small for its group, but large for one room. Since it's New Year's eve, most people didn't want to go to a meeting, and so the entire group, which has two hundred registered members, was compiled into one room. It really put things into perspective for me. I hope that no matter how far I come along in recovery, I am always at a meeting on these big occasions.

The chairman is newly two years sober, and is doing well in his new relationship. I say doing well in a worldly way, but maybe in some ways is putting his girlfriend before his program. But that's between him and God. Ultimately, he did a great job chairing, and that is all that matters right now. But before he opened the floor for discussion, he reminded us to be mindful of the time, as some would want to ring in the new year.

And then came the resentments. I was already in a bad mood. First, I have not integrated socially in sobriety, so I am about to ring in the new year by myself, posting this blog. Second, my relationship officially ended this morning. And third, my job is squeezing me dry, and having to stay late caused me to be late for my meeting, which for this group I am already so uncomfortable going to. I was actually regretting having gone, and even nearly turned the other way at its threshold. 

Then, the chairman suggested that we talk about what we are grateful for. So, the resentments became even stronger. 'Oh wait until it's my turn', I thought; 'I'll show them gratitude!' Fortunately, we went "popcorn style", and I had enough sensibility to stay the eff shut-up.

But then, and through no genius or grace of anyone, I began to melt, and became inspired to write a blog, which I was hoping to do for this occasion, as I did last year. Once I felt inspired, I began to feel grateful, and once I felt grateful, I began to feel graceful, and once I felt graceful, I was able to see God in all of the things that I had been perceiving to be threats.

All we really have in our lives is gratitude. That is the gift that comes directly from God, and is the only thing that we can really rely on. I heard a man share last night, and I know that he has a lot of ego, but I also can put my own ego aside to not only listen to him, but to carry with me his message, because for me, it's that powerful. But he is dry right now, and it was disconcerting to me to hear him say that he was sick of the fellowship, that after a while, you've said it all and heard it all. But then, he shared on the Step we read from, and it was, as always, brilliant. After the meeting I told someone how it disturbed me to see people with such insight and time under their belts, be so negative. And his reply was, we need to remember to be grateful.

Gratitude keeps us humble, and humility is the only way to really be happy, because to have humility is to have God. Only the honest man will admit that he is nothing without God, and I don't care how this God is perceived. God IS, which means we can't bugger that up. 

I pray to God that I may always be grateful, that even when I may have resentments I don't sit in them, that even when I may be hurt, I don't hurt others, that even when I may feel uninspired, I still try, and that even when I may feel frustrated, I still contribute.

Life is so precious, and I really see that now, and not in a way that, 'Oh, I'm feeling happy because things are going my way, and I have a platform to pretend to be grateful', only to become depressed a few hours later.. I truly have grown fascinated with the capabilities and mechanisms of all that is on Earth, and I pray to the LORD that despite the disappointments and hardships and changes and heartaches and spiritual challenges, I may always see the beauty and the harmony and the fellowship of HIS magnificent creation that I have been blessed to experience and witness. 

Welcome Two Thousand and Fifteen! We've been waiting for you :)