Modesty

I have a new friend from the fellowship, who not only has a solid program with long-term sobriety, but who is a good orator as well, and so that combined with a pure message that is perfectly aligned with the spirit of the program, her sharing always resonates with me.

The other week we were talking on the phone about how it's our thoughts that are sick - it's our thinking that is the root of our troubles.  And what she said, I without really considering at the time had actually banked, and I pull it up frequently.   Which is that she can go to bed, feeling amazing, accomplished in a day well lived, and yet wake the next morning in a terrible state, even though NOTHING has changed!!

Wow, yes, that story makes a lot of sense to me!  Especially last night.  My cat woke me in the middle of the night with a hairball, so I got up, cleaned it, and went back to bed, thinking, "I'm so happy, I'm nice and comfy. God is so good!  I've recovered from an indiscretion from the night before, I had a great meeting, healed, saw my mom, it's payday, AND I still get to sleep longer!" --- to being ABSOLUTELY PANICKED of the things in my life that I am unsure about.  And I can say without exaggeration that I have NO idea what triggered the fearful thoughts, or even what first thought gave way.

The past few days, God has been (mercifully) teaching me lessons in humility.  He has truly levelled me, to the point I would have wanted to have died (or break my sobriety) in the past, but not this time.  This time, I am doing everything OPPOSITE of what I usually think and do.  This time I am reaching out to others, and (silently) either asking for help, or offering to help.  THIS is the psychic change!  

The current deflation of my ego has improved my life drastically.  It is such a relief to not be "in charge".  My relationships with others have improved, because I no longer feel better than, and I have also learned that I don't need to feel less than, either, for in those cases where I feel "not good enough", I am really only just meant to "be".

And yes, to just "be" can hurt, but from my quick memory scan, that only has to happen, when I can't subside my roaring ego.  I have truly let the gifts that I have received, that I have ONLY received, through desperation and grace heal me, because I was WILLING.  That's it.  I am not special, and after this week, I really no longer even want to be.  I want to be equal, completely.  I want true (agape) love and friendship, and I am now suspecting that the price of (self-imposed) leadership is to be apart of - not a part of - and I am not willing to be "unique" any longer.

I realize now that I need to have God by my side in order to live life with grace and dignity, and so today I am working on connecting to my Higher Power WITHOUT fear or circumstance.  The Great Reality is within me, an unlimited inner resource to be called upon at anytime, and anywhere.  And I have complete faith and confidence that if I can successfully connect to God when I am losing sanity, I won't have to go from ten to zero (not even being able to recognize how it happened).  

Today I understand my mind to be more powerful than I can alone manage, to the point that letting God run it, all the time and not just some of it, is looking more and more attractive.  It is truly baffling where my mind can go, from either manipulating data, to unsupervised nonsense.  Maybe someday I really won't be going to meetings with my tail between my legs, but until I feel confident that I can live and let live, until I can remember that I need the meetings more than the meetings need me, that I need my sponsees more than they need me, and that I need God more than he needs me, I'm really going to be monitoring my thoughts - on a very.tight.leash.  

My spiritual awakening

I went to a ten year medallion last night and it was beautiful.  It wasn’t an unusual turnout, and the receiver wasn’t one of the cool ones, but her family was there, and the speaker’s family was there, and to me, THAT is what a “winner” looks like.  I went with a new friend whom I met downtown.  She has a substantial program, and she is like my sister.  I was also so grateful to be there, because I went back out two years ago exactly, and I lost touch with the birthday girl.  It was only because I heard her medallion announcement at my home group the week before, and that by the grace of God I wasn’t working, that I was able to attend.

The speaker who she chose was a man from my old home group, and while he was anything but eloquent, and his story was not at all linear, and therefore hard to follow, I had a spiritual experience listening to him.  He was perfect, in that, he told the truth.  And his truth was that when he came into the rooms about two decades ago, he couldn’t read, and that he still to this day can’t spell.  I genuinely like this man, he has always encouraged me, and been sensitive to my moods, even when I had no intention of a soul knowing, but that’s how beautiful his soul is, it can perceive.  When I heard that he would not go to meetings because he couldn’t do the readings, I felt the Spirit nudge at me.

But I didn’t make the connection that I have a degree in English, or that I am an inherent teacher (being the daughter of one), and that I could be of great service this way.  Instead, as we closed the meeting with the Lord’s Prayer, I thought, I really have had a psychic change, in that my view of success has officially changed.  I know that I can be perfectly happy on my pay grade, so I will focus my attention on the store, and apply for full-time which will give me a slight raise, a bit of security, and I can be fulfilled as a salesclerk.

But when I woke up this morning, after my meditation, I found myself searching for teaching literacy skills to adults.  I came across a college, and I inquired about volunteering there.  I felt such peace, relief, and surety.  I finally see what others have seen for so long, and who have pushed me to do.  But this was the gradual process: I first had to recognize the importance and satisfaction of living a more natural life - where I am not blowing my meager paycheques on vanity, over-spending on prepared foods, and where in the final analysis being at peace with the reality I might not have the big house and luxury car (though I am still going to try for it).

I have questioned, what is my talent?  And now I know.  People are naturally drawn to me, I can help so many people, and illiteracy is such a shame-based problem, that people will want to overcome their pain, just to come to me.  This, I really think, will be my great apostleship.  

God is always in the details, especially the ugly ones where we are sure he is not.  I remember I had a resentment toward my grade one teacher, and my mother saying, “She taught you to read, and she taught you to read well.”  And then my love, Gary, who loved Judy instead, and I carried that with me for so long, it is part of my story.  That heartache and that push for attention, and the rejection, which repeated itself up until the very recent past.  But again, God had other plans.  Because my strive for Gary’s attention forced me to compete with him, and he was the best in the class, so I pushed to be as good as him.  And today, who knows, maybe that was entirely the point, so that I could become as good as I did.

Ultimately, my happiness today comes from re-defining success, and to remember that to God, what is a thousand years to us, is but a day to him.  I worked so hard for serenity, and now I know that the only way to fully achieve it, is to give away what we have.