Changing Perspectives

"For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." - Proverbs 23.7

I have spent the first week of the pandemic not working, and the past week working, and I have noticed that both weeks were drastically different in how I interpret the world. While we have collectively gone though phases since mandatory self-isolation, I have learnt that our realities are fundamentally based on our direct relationships with each other.

I have also noticed that it isn't until I have to go out that I feel dis-ease. When I see people in masks, and empty shelves in the stores, I need to consciously control my knee-jerk reaction to panic. So today, I no longer fear self-isolation, in fact I welcome it. What was a primal fear of quarantine is now a relief to be at home. And while a lot of us are struggling being with family for extended periods of time, and data miners are finding that an overwhelming number of people in Europe, who have been quarantined longer, are researching divorce lawyers, it truly is all perspective.

When we find ourselves lost in this world, it can become difficult to discern the real from the false. However, I now believe that reality is whatever we say it is, because time is fleeting and people are inconsistent. What is true one minute isn't necessarily true the next. The most evident example of this is with our feelings, which is just an abstract philosophical phenomenon, but feelings and thoughts invariably turn into our actions, which then becomes a reality. This is why so many religious leaders teach that we must learn to arrest irresponsible thoughts and feelings, because when we can control what often proves to be deceitful, we can live within a truth that is for our benefit, regardless of what is happening around us.

I have changed my perspective to be less emotional in my responses to my environment,  and more objective. When I can stay grounded in a one-day-at-a-time mentality, I can see clearly enough to not make impulsive decisions that can hurt myself and others. During this pandemic I have seen God work miracles in my life. Failed lessons have now by grace been infused in me, allowing me to finally relax and live within reason, purpose, and serenity.

Out with the Old

For the past year, as my heart began to transform from one of stone to one of flesh, I resisted my innate interpretation of the world as being hostile. I believed that if I only thought positively enough, catered to a universalist philosophy, read all the feel-good literature and stay as far away from the concept of sin as much as possible, I would have peace.

But the past two weeks only confirmed that life is a fight and the Bible has truths in it that I have not yet found in any other teaching or belief system. And while I still understand sin with compassion, as I understand we act inappropriately based on hurt and fear, I need to reassess how I have been choosing to relate to the world. 

The past few days I have been recalling verses from the prophet Isaiah, who was gentle, but ominous. The book of Isaiah teaches us that sin cannot be tolerated, that it must be addressed, and that God forgives sin. I understand this exactly as what has been happening as this virus takes over our lives.

Our old ways of living were not sustainable, and I think we all knew that. We have been taught about the hole in the ozone layer for almost 40 years, we see images of polar bears dying because the ice caps and glaciers are melting, we turn a blind eye to the fashion industry's crimes, being the number one polluter ranking even above the airline industry, we produce so much waste globally that we now rocket it to litter outer space, and of course, what truly started this all, the inhumane way we treat animals as our food source. 

This is sin, and it is now being corrected through the avenue of a devastating pandemic. But God is forgiving, and he is rectifying the problem, as we weren't able to correct it ourselves. This virus can be seen as an act of mercy, as vindication, as the harbinger for a new way of living. Living in mindfulness, in awareness, and in compassion.

We get so lost in this world because it is not ours. We do not really know it and we are constantly being misdirected. We find ourselves in battles we never waged, and they take us very offtrack. Jesus said, "My Kingdom is not of this World; else would my Servants fight for it." (John 18:36) We have to fight for our peace through denial of our appetite, the desires that cause us to act selfishly, ignorantly, and at times even cruelly. Our peace does not come from resting within our primal and lazy nature. It comes from bringing our senses into alignment with God, through taming them and resisting them more times than we would like.

There is something that I have found confidence in, during this distressing time of the most unnatural act of social distancing, and also in this raw fear of pain and death. And that is I have not in fact been offtrack in my interpretation of the world. We are either in battle, or preparing for it, and those who don't prepare end up in far more pain than that which they intended to evade. When we are defiant we are not making the necessary accommodations through diligence and vigilance, and all it takes is a single moment for our lives to turn upside down.

But this is not the end, it is a passage into better things. The reconstruction will be challenging, but it will be so worth it. We talk about leaving a better world for the next generation, and now we might actually do so. We can consume less and check in with our communities more. We now understand how connected we are, which can be our great downfall, but also our great strength. What will we do differently, what reliable infrastructures can we establish?  These are exciting times. We are being given a get out of jail free card to leave the old corrupted ways behind, and to rebuild our world for the better.

Self-Respect in Times of Crisis

Something that I have had to address in my shadow work while processing this pandemic, is that social distancing isn't personal. My knee-jerk reaction is to assume people don't want to be around ME, that I'm unclean or diseased. One of the biggest fears I have is that I will be, that I am being, rejected. That I'm not good enough, that people don't like me. That I have nothing to contribute and the reason someone protecting themselves is because they are worth it and I'm not.

But not only is that not the case, even if it were, if I am my own person, then I have both the dignity and self-respect to recognize that I have my own reasons to protect myself. Whether for love of people in my close proximity to keep safe or even simply for love of self, I don't need to feel other than, even when my wounded Self wants to feel victimized.

Once again this all relates back to boundary-setting, which was a hard-won lesson for me, and a reason why it is hard to not feel offended when others have more sturdy precautions than I do. But of course I want to practice self-isolation, and when I need to be in public to use social distancing, if only for my own health. My health is just as valuable as anyone else's, and recognizing this has sadly had to be an affirmation for myself.

Setting up boundaries isn't about a person actually being sick, and it's not meant to be offensive, it's simply about doing our part in a scary time to work together. And in that way, it's not personal, it's not about ME, it's about everyone, collectively. If anything, this time of physical separation has brought us together collectively, because for the first time maybe ever, we have one common goal, and that is really special.

In this time we don't have to feel alone. We have electricity which means we have the Internet, and when we have the Internet, we have a way to connect that is immune to bodily diseases. May we all work together to keep ourselves focussed and to exchange helpful information, both on how to stay healthy physically, and to continue to support self-isolation and social distancing, but also spiritually, where we might inspire each other and encourage each other with teachings and creativity.

The real battle is now in the mind, knowing our limits and establishing boundaries even within ourselves, such as placing disciplines on ourselves with diet, exercise, and sleep schedules. When I take care of myself I am less likely to fall into desperate thinking, and I can then continue to reach out to others in a productive and meaningful way through social media.

Boundaries are not to hurt me, they are to help me, and when we come out of this pandemic on the other side, we might very well have a beautiful new social code of mutual love and respect.

Happiness is my Birthright

It took a pandemic to understand that it is my inalienable right to be happy. When I found myself this past week feeling blessed beyond measure, and so in love with my community, even self-defeating thoughts weren't able to breach my psyche.

What I realized is my defiance to be happy is tied into the challenges I have struggled with in setting up boundaries. Whenever I felt like I was fortunate in a situation, I felt guilty. I didn't believe that I deserved anything good and therefore suspected it would be removed from me without warning (so don't even appreciate it then). But as of late I've been working to heal this belief of unworthiness, and I drew a line between the semantical argument of deserve verses entitled. I was not entitled to certain privileges, but I did deserve what I worked for. And it was long overdue that I accepted the wages of my labour.

In learning to accept my wages as what I earned, and not what was given to me unfairly, my heart opened up further. For the first time know what it means to be a child of God. In knowing that I am under the protection and care of the universe, I can be happy just by existing. Happiness as my birthright isn't about having things or titles (fairly or not) in order to feel blessed, it's to be connected to a higher power that I know through and through will sustain me.

When I was materially unprepared for the pandemic, through my own willful ignorance, I learned a most valuable lesson: be accountable. Once I was able to right the wrongs I was making, I was able to conversely recognize that I don't have to be responsible for other people's interpretations of the world. When I was ready spiritually for the pandemic, my knee jerk reaction was, don't let anyone know that I feel blessed. I didn't want to look rude, or insensitive.

That people-pleasing default I wanted to show up from was only a product of low self-esteem; but with the strength of my armour, I wasn't shaken up from others' hysteria. This was the first indication I had that I was spiritually fit, and ready to be of service. It was in this brief window where I finally felt confident in myself and in God's will for me. I didn't need to suffer with other people who found themselves miserable based on decisions that they have been making. Rather, I am making my amends today, and in that I am guided and guarded against dangerous thoughts and actions, and can now be in the world, but not of it.

I learned that I don't need to be scared or gloomy to be accepted. While compassion is an order, I can just keep on doing what I have been doing, and welcome anyone who wants to join me on this broad highway that is not dogmatic, doctrinal, and therefore not judgemental. It's just people coming together and exchanging ideas and enjoying each other's company. And it's just as effective online as in person, in my opinion.

In the opportunity to benefit from this unusual degree of collective consciousness, I have also conceded that nothing is guaranteed. Deep down I knew this, I knew we were vulnerable to disease, poverty, and death, and I dodged feeling their presence all the time. I often felt uncomfortable, knowing that I was a prideful person and yet so weak in the flesh. Still, I found myself time and again not able to embrace these vulnerabilities, instead feeling pressured to cover them up, and when I couldn't,  made to feel like a failure and at times, even insane.

Who knew that a message of being allowed to be happy and hopeful, despite our fears, was an order. But it does make sense when we place the contingents of happiness on external and therefore impermanent things. This is an amazing time to reset our values, and to let happiness and peace enter our lives in ways we simply couldn't understand or process before. Happiness our inalienable human right, just as much as food, water, shelter, creativity and community are. This is our time to be brave and connect with what gives us peace, and true life-giving inspiration.

Happiness by Vesna Delevska

Borrowed Time

It has been less than a week since we have truly had to start practicing self-isolation, and I am already seeing depression through people's social media activity. I was expecting a longer grace period, but this is once again an amazing opportunity to see that influencers and uninitiated gurus really don't have it together the way I foolishly thought they did. I have always intellectually understood that social media to a large extent is an exaggeration of reality, but I didn't realize it in my heart until now.

We are social animals and irregardless of social distancing, it's necessary to help each other emotionally now. For me, relating to my fears and identifying with my neuroses doesn't help, unless it is followed immediately thereafter with direction toward a solution. True solace and encouragement for me lies in seeing fellow soldiers stand up and say, "I am ready for more." These champions don't need to be preaching to know them, we can tell just by their presence. No hype, no panic, no dread. These people are of the utmost service.

I feel like I was born for this time. My trauma, my discipline, my self-induced alienation which led to years of studying and networking, even my love for writing, have all served me to resist the dejection, to continue to live in a daily reprieve where I need to be okay just for today, and to rest in the company and the exchanging of information with amazing people who are elite warriors in this now very real, and not some religious nonsense, battlefield of the mind.

My dear friends, this world is not ours. We were always ruled by dark principalities in the ethereal realms, and this is why we are now in war. We ignored the signs for generations and in so we have hurt ourselves, animals, and the Earth, and so now it is time for us to return home, to dwell in a right relationship with God. Seek out His workers, they have prepared relentlessly to protect your spirit, and to bid you safe passage through this uncharted domain.

By Nicholas Roerich

My Thoughts on Social Distancing and Self-Isolation

This is a piece showing the quick evolution of my feelings and experiences with social distancing and self-isolation this past week.

When we were first advised to practice social distancing about 1-2 weeks ago, I immediately revolted. Part of that was my defiant nature, but part of that was what I recognize now to be plain old fear. I didn't want to feel separated from people now that I am in a phase of my recovery where  my mental health is contingent on a community, and so I went into a fight-or-flight response, where I would defend my beliefs and heroically that of others. But as the Holy Spirit works, I had little nudges here and there that I needed to be more considerate, and then an immediate and definitive conviction that I was required to get on board with what the government and my peers were saying. I realized that in being an advocate for closeness, I was putting those who I wanted to support, and be supported by, in a position to feel compromised.

Then as the news turned more grave, and we were asked to practice self-isolation, I again immediately defied the order. I thought that people were victims of mass hysteria. But once people who I trust with my life began to self-isolate and talk about doing their part to "flatten the curve", once again a nagging feeling told me that I needed to reconsider my position.

When I went to the store today, I did my best to practice social distancing by using the self-checkout and then also to use the one-meter rule. And while I am mindful of my surroundings and wash my hands and don't touch my face and keep a recommended distance, I can't control what other people do. And while I waited a couple of extra minutes in line to leave the middle kiosk open so that I could practice social distancing, the person behind me didn't. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't maintain the one-meter rule.

Then I went to Starbucks to buy a coffee. As requested by health officials, sit-in spots are to be removed, and only to-go service is to be provided. But at the Starbucks not only did they remove the tables and chairs, they also removed all of the dairy and sugars, and the baristas prepare the beverages themselves. There was truly a feeling of morbidity in that coffee shop.

I told the guy that I put all of my cash in my bank account the night before so that no money had to be handled, and he said, "What a smart idea, I don't want to be touching anyone's money." Of course he didn't! I finally recognized the fear flowing through service jobs right now. No one wants to be working in the public, and while I am still going to make purchases when needed, I decided that am not going to be making superficial transactions until this quarantine is officially cut off. I see now that one way of making social connections is to let people know that we care by not asking them to be on the front lines.

So now I will do my best to truly self-isolate, instead of popping into stores here and there. This has been an impressive learning opportunity for me, to take care of myself, to care about others, to trust authority, and to make so many amends. Whatever our underlying fears are at this time, I have been out and about enough to report that while we are not restocked in large part, there is still enough food and that where it really truly matters, it is still business as usual.

I go back to work tomorrow for a few hours a day, and yes I am afraid of getting sick, or of being a carrier, but I also need to know that if I follow the guidelines of social distancing and cleanliness, everything will be alright.

How to practice social distancing

A Lesson in Humility

"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 84)

Being asked to practice self-isolation has put so much of my life into perspective. It has not called me out on my shortcomings, but it has called me up. I have been invited to go back through my history and see why I was not prepared for this pandemic. And I really wasn't - I was shaking hands and hugging people less than a week ago. I didn't buy toilet paper in time, and even though I generally eat like it's the end of the world, canned and frozen foods, by the time I got to the stores mostly everything was gone.

By the grace of God there are amazing people in my life who picked up my slack, and after going to several stores was able to find some canned goods, and though in my personal life there appears to be more to come, with immanent "temporary" layoffs at my job, I am happy. I have enough, I'll still have some employment despite my main supply being in jeopardy, the weather is fantastic, and I was at the highest level of spiritual fitness when the quarantine started. I have been truly blessed, and it's because I worked hard. Hard work always pays off.

Still, there is a lot to consider now. The areas in my life I have dangerously lapsed in, and observing the psychology of the shame that I will feel if I am laid off, even though I know it wouldn't be my fault. Indeed, there is much shadow work to be done in this time, and it is in these times of quietness that we are given amazing opportunities to regroup.

Here are some ways that I have stayed focussed in self-isolation:

1) Treating every day like a brand new day. While I am more aware of my routine now, and while being at home is a bit stressful in that it makes my Lenten practice a bit more difficult, I am grateful for a new day, because in that there is room to allow for something different. A new inspiration, a new book, a new YouTube video theme. Treating every day like I don't know what will happen also helps me maintain a regular sleep schedule and eating schedule.

2) Eating as healthy as possible. This is so crucial to my mental well being. This is a time where depression can rear it's ugly head, maybe without warning, and one way to stay vigilant is to eat healthy.

3) Keeping in contact with others, which I am doing through general Facebook use and texting.

4) Being hopeful for what is to come, which I can accomplish by perceiving new, attainable ways to live.

And here are ways that I am resisting feelings of dejection:

1) Unfollowing on social media anyone who propagates fear with no solutions for peaceful mindfulness.

2) Starting to consider what I can do to be better prepared in the future, such as always having two weeks worth of daily needed items, and always, always putting ten percent of my paycheque in a savings account, and maybe even employment changes to an industry that is better recession-proof.

3) Being informed at all times. I really thought that ignorance kept me safe. I defied "pop culture" and believed that mind-over-matter would keep me immune to mass hysteria. Being defiant to government suggestions and news reportings didn't keep connected to others in my heroic effort to not be afraid, it was dangerous and it bit me in the ass.

4) Having a new relationship with social media. How I can use it for good, instead of using it as a platform to succumb to pride, both my own pride and being impacted so profoundly by that of others.

So many awesome things have happened for me personally this past week. People whom I was so desperate to be liked by, and to be like, people who outright rejected me, ended up being ghosts or when making brief appearances still pushing their righteousness no longer bear weight with these new challenges. And this liberated me from feelings of sadness and not being good enough. There is a new self-acceptance and appreciation. I have compassion for those who are not currently in my life, who I would have liked to have heard from, and there are people who are surfacing who I am so grateful to be reconnected with.

I am developing a new relationship with people and things. I have overwhelming love for just about everyone right now, and am learning to not be so dependent on products, and this is where I really need the most work. While I didn't have much food, maybe not even enough for two weeks worth of self-isolation, I have thousands of dollars worth of cosmetics and fragrances. And while I have known for years this is backwards, twisted, and sick, I couldn't stop.  I was addicted to instant gratification. But now I know to let those items in my Amazon cart sit, to save for things that I want, and to start making financial amends to my credit card and the government.

Today I can see the manipulation of the world. The messages that I am not attractive enough, prosperous enough, influential enough, a society that convinces me to consume, but that doesn't give me gentle nudges instead on how to really be a self-accepting and productive member of society. I will from now on gain my worth from being accountable and reliable. May I never forget the repercussions of this global crisis.

We are truly one. What this pandemic has shown me that I intuitively knew but chose to ignore, is that there is no difference between people, and there is no divide between us and our ecosystem. And most importantly, that we are all intertwined. While the media was a source of fear for me the moment the story of the virus broke in the new year, it became my enemy, but I chose to be naive that it is ultimately just trying to inform me. Because the virus hasn't been serious in North America, I fully failed to grasp that it spread globally in less than two months. That is truly astronomical.

This monumental occasion is a time to be creative and to find new ways to live. Yes, this feels like war, or like the end-times, but it is in these challenging times when people come up with the best inventions - desperation can bring out the impoverishment in people, but necessity can also bring out the genius.

This is real. This is the time for us to change without apology, without shame, remorse, or apprehension. This is the time to fully turn back on everything that we have always wanted to leave behind but were afraid to lest we be judged or considered hypocritical or fake.

I pray that I never forget what I am experiencing today, the love and inspiration that I feel, the conviction that I have failed, and the opportunities that will soon come to be a dutiful citizen of my community. Our amazing world that we have been given custodianship over is being given an unprecedented chance to recover and heal, and so are we.

We are not experiencing a personal or private new years resolution, or a moon cycle intention, or a meditative moment to have existential conversations with ourselves. This is a possibly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to universally and radically change for the better. For me, my pride is finally being levelled, and yes it can be scary and painful because I still want to be strong, brilliant, and admired, but it is in this powerful lesson of humility that I might change what I can - my outlook and attitude upon life itself, and how I relate to the world.

The iris flower symbolizes hope, cherished friendship, and valor.

God's Upside-Down Kingdom

This pandemic has surfaced all of my base fears, that I am resisting with hope and courage:

1) Of not having enough (Running out of money, no stock in stores)
2) Of being alone (Not having someone to help me)
3) Of being rejected (Getting the virus and being ostracized)

But after having had a spiritual awakening, I am able to turn it around:

1) Use this opportunity to use less, to be more mindful.
2) Appreciate the people who are in my life today.
3) Have faith that whatever happens, God will walk with me.

While I am blessed to live in an area that is not highly infected, mass hysteria, empty store shelves, cancelled church services, and advisories for certain demographics to be quarantined, it is hard to not "believe the hype". Once again though, I can turn this around, and learn a new way to interpret society (media) and government. I am learning new ways to live, to relate to money, and where to place my confidence.

In testing times, we see what our character is, and I have found that I like who I am. Comfort is fleeting in this world, and I was trained to adapt to discomfort through circumstances that I had no choice in, and then through disciplines that I did choose. When it feels like the end of the world, not much else matters other than the support of others and the realization that time is not what we think it is.

A plant needs only a few things to grow and then bless its surroundings, and the same goes with people. For someone like me who was always afraid of not having enough and being left behind, having this life experience truly demonstrates that days are short and vitality doesn't require much. Digging roots into deep soil and trusting that God will nourish me with both sun and rain, an upside-down kingdom reminds me that I will be okay, and maybe even have stable enough roots to help others.

Seeking Out God When Discouraged

"There are some who, before entering the religious life, were accustomed to living comfortably, and therefore they receive something more in the way of food and clothing: better bedding, perhaps, or more blankets. The others who are stronger, and therefore happier, do not receive these things. But, taking into account the former habits of life of the rich, keep in mind how much they now have to do without, even though they cannot live as simply as those who are physically stronger. Not everyone should want to have the extra he sees another receive, for this is done not to show favour but only out of concern  for the person." The Rule of Saint Augustine

The above precept is addressing a very specific audience - monks who set themselves aside of society. Nevertheless, anyone who has chosen a path of sacrifice and even general well-being may relate to the above passage, whether simply navigating social media to those who might feel more pressure in being members of spiritual groups.

This teaching can even be applied to secular living, such as in the work place, or just generally being out in the world. Ultimately, this applies to anyone at all, because it all goes back to the basic traits we all must tame in order to achieve true happiness and peace; those traits being pride, envy, and greed.

When I am feeling left out, insecure, or dismissed, I must assume the position of not only detachment from my coveting, in whatever form that might ensue, but even going a step further to seek out being of service to those whom I resent or are jealous of. Only through giving might I receive liberation from the desires that tell me I am not good enough or deserving of good things. Because goodness comes from serving the good, which is God (Matthew 19.16-7).

Easier said than done. This is why it is so important during seasons such as the one we are in now (Lent). where we spend time in the desert, being purified of the lusts which harm us and preparing ourselves to approach with affection those whom deep down, we would rather have a kinship with. And this is why it is manageable to make adjustments to our physical and mental comfort, in order to remind us why it is so essential to be strong spiritually, to give to others, despite our own feelings of rejection or otherness. Practicing collectively through the body of Christ, just like the monks in monasteries, gives us encouragement to press on, as strong warriors do.

When we are able to support others irregardless of our instinctive nature to resent the material or worldly comforts that we are not invited to share or participate (at that time) in, we are offered instead a supernatural strength and peace that overcomes all forlorning for placement and comfort, because we are grateful for being supremely loved through the One who can give us enduring sustenance, both in this world, and the one to come.

Holy of Holies - Ark of the Covenant