The Spider and the Rose

Much was lost from those days of old
But such is the way in times of war.
Lives and art, all demised
Though some in memory did survive.

Fragments that stay in a corner of the mind
that will never live for one more time
The cycle ends where it began
And that is how the curse does stand.

The Spider and the Rose are relics of old
They remind me when I shone like gold.
And inspire that I may begin anew
With the wisdom bestowed from the death of a girl.

Gone

The place where I protected my heart fell down and it was buried
in rot and rubble and broken hearts, a family pulled apart.
The damage was years but the scavenging was quick.
For it is when we trip that the time is split
and nothing can make us run any faster
than when the monsters are chasing us.

So now it's gone for I had to flee without rescuing what was a part of me.
Now there it sits to be collected by agents who want their money more than they want answers.
And it's my fault in the end, because I trusted myself more than I trusted that God would carry my heft.
And so here I sit and pray in time I won't look back and want to cry.

The Invisibles

Seven petals, seven rows, seven leafs around the rose.

Who are you and who backs you

don't you know you can't come through?

It's not a maze, it's life itself.

We prove beyond a reasonable doubt.

The architect chooses the builder to start

who then climbs a ladder and sorts it all out.

Cause that's all this is, discipleship, no more

so now you know who evens the score.

We play to win, this is ride or die.

And you can't see us just slide on by.

The practice of surrender

I went through a spiritually arid period a couple of months ago, so I was very open to suggestion from my peers on how to up my practice. Something that I haven't been doing this past year is praying on my knees. Someone said how it really helped him; it increased his faith and he began to find meaning in his life. I was receptive enough to heed advice to try it regularly, and I have been consistently praying with the physical act of kneeling everyday. And I must say, it totally works. I was relieved of my funk within about one or two weeks, and it has fostered positivity, acceptance, and inspiration in my life ever since. 

Something that I have never done is go to God for counsel. There are a couple of reasons for this: I felt I didn't know how to access God, and that if I could, how would I possibly discern the message? But, with my daily and nightly practice of giving thanks through the physical act of prayer and humility, I feel much more connected to God and much more trustful of the messages that he presents to me. This morning I asked God "properly" about a tug-of-war I am experiencing with work. Something else I have never been strong at is making a pros-and-cons list. Although I am a black-and-white thinker, I really do see those as grey. Even though I can easily mark off points, they invariably hold different weights. So how do I measure them?

But this morning, I knew I did good, and that I did all I really can. All else is fluff. While I was taught that it is not healthy to let people, places, or things control us or dictate how we act or feel, I also believe that God speaks to us at times through these avenues. I believe that the message that I am to receive will be through one (or more) of these means. 

Something that I have wondered is, where does my program of recovery fit into all of this? The problem with the prospective job is that it requires open availability, very similar to being on-call. I would not be able to be "of service" in the traditional sense. This is a definite red-flag, because once we start to slip away from any real accountability, we become complacent. I really need to ask myself, do I believe I need to be consistent in my program? Do I really think I can be in danger if I am relying on self to get to meetings?

We talk about surrender in the fellowship, and I know for me, my recovery truly started six months into sobriety, when I fully surrendered. Despite my fear and apprehension, I trusted the program and the Steps. I took the plunge into the deep end, and I made a "real" inventory shortly thereafter, which truly truly was the turning of the knob to a new room, and a new life.

So what does "surrender" mean to me today? I have been open to messages from God all day. I wasn't getting a sign until I pulled this card at the end of the day. After an erratic two months and treading on the outskirts of the fellowship, I must reaffirm my intentions, get active, and put my sobriety first. This makes my decision much more easy to make, and I know that I can trust the source. When we think we don't need recovery, that is when we are in the most danger. I am still regaining stability after an emotional winter, and it is time to get to work. Real work - life work, God work, peace work.

Happy Spring

I woke up on the first day of spring for the first time in a new house. I had lived in the same house for exactly 40 years, but due to family problems, three generations of the Blackwell's have lost it. It was prime land, backing onto a greenbelt and creek, beside a park, but still close the the main street. This is a significant change, and it helps me that it is happening during this time of renewal.

This is the strangest season of my life, but also the most exciting and healing, which I was in no way expecting. In cleaning out the storage space in my room, I came across many pieces of my past, going back to almost birth. I saw so much both good and bad, but really, mostly good, and that was also surprising. The good that I saw gave me a whole new appreciation for life, and love for myself, my friends, and my family. The bad was brief, and merely served as a reminder of the good fight I now face.

When the movers took the mattresses, I found some letters that I had stashed between them. They were dated from 2008, and one had apparently started off as a birthday letter to a friend which had clearly taken on a life of its own. I was falling out of my yoga practice. I had begun to have problems with my alcoholism, and that had really catalyzed a divide between my teacher and I. He wanted me to stop drinking, and to practice sadhana (4 am meditation and yoga), neither of which I wanted to do.

My letters showed a different turning point in my life. The one to my friend talked about the exhaustion I was facing in trying to be a lightworker, and a second letter showed a psychotic break that would soon take place and require medication to reverse. That was ten years ago, and a lifetime ago. I had not yet been called into the Catholic Church; Christianity wasn't even on my radar, for the most part. I was interested in crosses, and discussion on the social media site MySpace, but it was interesting to see notes pertaining to that dedication to my yoga practice. It was also difficult to read the struggles that I was having, because they were ultimately due to not knowing how to reach God, even though I desperately wanted to. I had no backbone and no self-esteem, and so I became easily indoctrinated and dependent on others. 

The message that I have received the past two weeks is that of forgiveness. I need to forgive in order to heal, and seeing those letters from ten years ago was physical evidence of my long-standing desire to become a better person. What I didn't know until recently though, is that I need to forgive myself first, in order to move forward. But in order to forgive and consequently heal, there needs to be responsibility. Even in the devastation that first week after being informed that I was going to lose my childhood home and move for the first time ever, I was able to see where I had gone wrong. It is not usual to be forty with no money for rent, no partner, and never having left home. And in seeing my errors, which invariably need restitution to myself for past choices, and in upholding my amends to others, I was able to practice gratitude. That healing comes through accountability is one of life's great paradoxes. But now, despite my shortcomings, I have confidence in which previous lack-of had caused great distress, and so today I can still be happy even when dealt seemingly losing hands.  

And though I still have a lot of fear about losing my property, and consequently my inheritance, I feel more connected to myself, and others, and this is something that I have been working on for years. In a way I feel that God did for me what I could not do for myself. Forty is a holy number, I see no coincidence in this transition is happening at this point in my life. Spring is a time for rebirth, and not only do I feel that I have been given a reboot on my life, I also remember why I persist in my journey to being a healthy and honest person. Responsibility and accountability have given me a new freedom, and I feel so much less isolated. Happy Spring: the time for decisive, uplifting change is now. 

Upright variation

I think it's important to stay true to our nature. Everyone has their own nature, and with it includes a cross to bear. I know what mine is, and I work everyday to manage it. I use prayer to help strengthen me, and I make efforts to communicate with others; today friendship is necessary in my life, and I can now count on two hands the people in my life who I can call a real friend. This is important, not because I need a squad, but because I need the reciprocity. This means generally, as I reach out to others, someone in turn is reaching out to me. This happens at any given time, and this is so important, because isolation becomes the conclusion of my cross, and that is when it really gets too heavy to carry. 

I used to try to blot out my cross. I still do at times, but only because I know what my battles are, and exposing the truth of my cross, in other words combating its erroneous stigma, is not one of them, at least not today. But one way that I have released from this shame, is to not be so hypervigilant of my behaviour or moods. A way that I would give into the sordidness would result in codependence - a desperation for others to be happy, and assuming responsibility for the way they felt. Today I know that's because I wanted to deflect attention off of myself, because I really didn't like myself. I was so afraid of having an "off" day, of looking inconsistent, unreliable, angry, unappreciative and unkind, that if I didn't feel 100% able to put on a smile, I wouldn't even leave my house. 

I am a fan of H.P. Lovecraft, a tortured soul who used his gifts to be of value to the world. He was a successful pulp fiction writer, and the cult following he left behind now enjoy the "religion" of the Cthulhu. Months ago I read a quote from one of his letters, where he claimed that he was a sincerely happy person. I was really surprised to read this, as none of his work that I am familiar with reflected this. I saw a discrepancy that was hard to reconcile, and I think that's because he was so consistent in his work. I sometimes ponder on his claim, and I wonder if he was telling the truth, or if on that particular day he really believed it to be true, or if he was also trying to hide his cross. This has really made me question the validity of consistency. 

And I realized that I do no service to myself or others when I try to suppress my feelings, or when I try to act in a way that is not honouring what my mind is telling me. In fact, I think doing so defies my intuition, and therefore can be harmful, as it is so dishonest. Since the summer I have been feeling more at ease with myself, and less afraid of what others think. Walking into a room of people for the most part no longer daunts me, and I realize that I don't need to pretend to like everyone, and that's it's really okay if not everyone likes me. 

Today I work on being free - free of the bondage of self and free of the expectations that I feel pressured to perform, which are probably imaginary, at that. I have given power to people for as long as I can remember, and I still do, but today it's not as debilitating. The real problem with people-pleasing is that we rob ourselves of what we can accomplish, and we hold back from God on what he supplied us with in order to give back through our creativity and gifts. This is a tragedy, and this is why I now have confidence of my talents, instead of putting myself down in a false sense of humility. Humility isn't about being powerless and invisible, it's about shining brightly while peacefully consenting to other's light, as well. Humility is to be fearless - to accept our strengths and weaknesses.

As with two sides of character, there are two sides of acceptance. When we embrace our strengths, the gifts of others don't threaten or agitate us (as much). We can feel good and secure in what we have to offer. Likewise, when we accept our weaknesses, we become benevolent and respectful of the fragility of others. We recognize that we offer compassion, because there will be times when we need it ourselves.

It's natural to be two-sided, and now I believe that fluctuation does not need to be suppressed. In fact, resisting our inconsistencies could be a disservice, because it is denying a paradox, something which life can be better understood through. When we reject our nature, we might actually be opposing something that could in fact be of God.

I have come to believe that my inconsistencies, while can cause disciplinary concerns, are my true nature, and therefore godly. As I continue to amend what I want, and what is expected of me, I am extremely grateful that today I can cooperate with my nature. It is liberating that I am not fighting myself in order to appear a certain way to others. I have been offered regeneration through the humility that faith and works has given to me, after having been so lost for so long. There's no shame in ebbs and flows, in peaks and valleys, in sun or rain. The consistency that counts is the respect that I show myself and others, and that is where a life well-lived begins. 

Muscle power

The biggest challenge that I face today is to let go of my desire to control people, places, and things, and go about my business without trepidation. Every aspect of my life today is not satisfactory, however it is not hopeless, either. Therefore, I must remember that release from self-pity at this pivotal point is crucial, because my sanity lies in having the faith that God, or the Universe, is unravelling the path before me just fine. 

For the first time in my life, I have been dependent on other people. I have always relied heavily on my father, but what I mean this time is I cannot move ahead until certain people follow through on their end. Some people have made choices that affect my life goals, some have made choices that have affected my promotion at work that was supposed to have happened over a month ago, some people are making choices on how emotionally close we become, and some people won't even call me back on matters that literally affect my security of self.

Never have I been so far out in left field, and I realized today that I am facing real grown up challenges for the first time, and while I am fortunate that I have made it this far into adulthood without any real (physical) difficulties, a thought came, "This is only the beginning". NO WAY! I am a child of God and I will never be subjected to other people, I will continue to find the courage to release from my fears, which are the root of all my problems. I have a program of recovery that teaches me how to let go of self pity and selfishness and a Leader who assures me that I will have the strength to continue on, along with the guarantee from God that I will be prosperous.

This is all building power - muscle power. When we make our bodies physically strong through exercise, the muscles we are born with split, and when they are rebuilt, they are bigger and stronger and allow us to perform greater feats. This is the exact same for facing obstacles that have the incredible ability to consume our minds and lead to irrational decisions, or worse, passivity. When we face challenges calmly and consider the the other parties involved, we exercise our God-given faculties and in so split from that neuroses that leads to painful obsessions which rob us of God's peace. 

So what happens to our mental dexterity once we have broken from our obsessions? It becomes so flexible that we hold on to our serenity without effort. That "muscle memory" kicks in, and we are on autopilot, protected until our nerves can relax. What I am experiencing this month is just training, it's learning how to live one day at a time, let go and let God, and to remember, easy does it. 

I hope to soon report back to you with the divine fabric that God weaves into me through my ripped compulsions. The ability to communicate the changes in my nature are the works of my faith, and give me great pleasure to pass on. Until then, dear reader. 

Pursuing our talents

Now being the time that is safe to clear low-density, slow-vibration, base-level dimensional false impressions of myself is the message that I am being sent today. Last night I had an image of standing accused before God, in a white robe, my hands cuffed in the front, and two tall, slim angels in white light standing beside me. I wept to the Lord, I had no idea how things got so off-track for myself, for humanity. 

But really, right now isn't a crusade about prophesying to the lost, it's about me healing the past, so that I can move along without tension, as I believe I, all of us, were meant to do. No one grows up expecting to make incredible failures, to be so dejected, disillusioned, dissolute and destitute, but we do. We make big mistakes, we have big regrets, big confusion, and consequently we are displaced, angry, alienated, we reject faith, carry shame, and finally become spiritually and bodily ruined. 

But I am confident that it was never God's intention for me to stand before Him, about to be convicted of treason, in fact it is Satan who is the accuser. I therefore question the messages that are being sent to earth, and where these messages are coming from. Isn't it the devil's tactic to tell us that we are not good enough? When he approached Eve in the garden, that is what he said to her, but he did so in "doublespeak". He didn't outright say, "You are not good enough", he said "You could be better." Instantly, I believe even before Eve bit into that poisoned apple, she was corrupted, because she believed him.

And thus the story goes. No one is good enough - we set almost impossible standards, and when we can't meet the requirements for being a person of value, we judge, neglect, abandon, cast out, and condemn others. Then the philosophers and theologians sit around in the comfort of their climate-controlled environments, and question, ponder, and debate why we as a people and as a society are so sick and confused. Or worse yet, we do meet those standards, realize our "goals" were achieved in ignorance and falsehood, and live out almost two thirds of our lives angry and full of regret, passing that energy down to everyone and everything we come across.

The key to happiness is to live out our potential to its full realization. There is a popular meme on Facebook of a quote by Albert Einstein who said, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." How true is this? Not at all surprising it was said by a man who had balanced the material and the spiritual: a true mystic.

Do we even offer people the chance to examine their talents, their genius? Absolutely not. And I speak not as individuals being robbed of their destinies, but rather the staples that we have artificially laid out as a framework for what a prosperous person looks like - a robot. We are bereaved of our humanity, of what makes us special, of what makes us godly. Now we are facing the economic challenges of technology taking over jobs, but people haven't cultivated the interpersonal skills of honesty, humor, and compassion that are crucial to win out to a machine.

It doesn't have to be this way. The lightworkers, the trailblazers, the ones who are burning away the restricting paradigms, are transmuting these parasitic patterns into safe spaces that are circular, which is life, and not straight*, which is death. Trust these people, they sacrifice so that you might be inspired to change. It is never too late to find your genius. God doesn't want us shackled before Him, he wants us showing Him what we can do, how we can use the gifts that HE gave us. That is the meaning of life. Just like the way our pets or children bring us joy when we see them safe and happy, that's exactly how God feels when he see us enjoying our gifts, and we can know this through the rewarding sense of accomplishment and the peace that we feel when we are working with our talents.

True freedom is when we cultivate these talents that God has bestowed us. And remember, the point is not to have it all figured out, that is the process. We might not recognize right away what we have been given, and we might not be really skilled in it at first, either. We might need a teacher, or a mentor, we might fail and feel crappy about the end result, and even might have to withstand criticism, but it is all worth it. The lesson is to make a start, it is only in starting that we might find something really incredible, more powerful and valuable than what we place on the opinions of others.

* While Jesus teaches about the "straight" path, the original Greek word was actually "cramped".

Christ alone

I had gone through the greatest stress of my life last week. I didn't see it coming, and it threw me right to the floor. And while I did my best to keep moving ahead, and stay focussed to my mission of being the salt of the earth, I was defeated where it mattered the most: being appropriate with work, friends, and family.

Fortunately, the people who are in my life care very much about me, and have stuck by my episodes, and yes, they were episodes. Screaming, belittling, abusing, at times twelve hour straight long fights, and if you think that's an exaggeration, you clearly have much more healthy texting etiquette than me. 

But God is SO good and he wouldn't let me stay down for too long. For one week, from last Sunday to this Sunday, he put a thorn in my side so deep, I didn't think I would make it out the other end with a single person remaining in my life. And while this challenge has not yet come to a close, when God removed my thorn this morning, he didn't leave a hole. He filled it - not with crystals, or gold, or wisdom, but with new flesh. Flesh that would, without thinking, without reason, glorify only HIM. Now I know I will be able to carry on with grace and dignity, as I was created in HIS image to do. 

The greatest trick the devil ever played on us was saying we could be as powerful as God - that we could have the world. I stepped outside of His protected garden and I relished in this new world. But when I was for the first time in forty years presented with a challenge so unbearable, so unforeseeable, I couldn't cope. I couldn't maintain my composure, I couldn't maintain my amends, I couldn't manage my rage. I couldn't care for the animals that I have been given custodianship over. I had lost complete control. There were times where it was as though my soul left my body, and I looked down and felt nothing as I shredded everything around me.

But today, not like a flash, not like a burning bush, not like a revelation, but rather a simple thought, so insignificant that my broken mind could have missed it, had it not been for God's perfect intention and will. I simply knew to throw out the things that were leading me astray, without hesitation, and I knew my nightmare had passed.

The problem with taking alternate routes, even if it feels fresh and inclusive and we think we are being of service to others, is that when shit hits the fan, and REALLY hits it, to the point of death or being institutionalized, we don't realize how far into the abyss we travelled through, and so we can't just get out to have the fresh air needed to think clearly! I couldn't manage. I couldn't put a single principle into practice that I have trained for for YEARS. Turn the others cheek? Fail. Give your enemy your cloak? Fail. Walk an extra mile? As if. That was all lowering my standards. And this is the deceit of the devil - I am utterly materially and spiritually bled dry, and yet, I have worldly standards.

I thought I was on the straight path. I hadn't opened my Bible in a month, but I testified to being on the narrow path that only Christ told us about, the ONLY path that doesn't lead to complete DESTRUCTION. I could feel my Christian friends shiver as I delved into an altered state of consciousness through alternate forms of meditation, but I thought they were only hurting themselves by judging me, that they were jealous that I was so enlightened and now blazing a way for the lost and the destitute.

But I was the destitute. I was dying, and while I knew I was in danger in the sense that my program of recovery has been erratic, I was so confident that I was saved from the snares of the devil. I was not safe, I was playing house in his dungeon. But THE Father keeps no records of wrongs. None. He will rejoice when we return to him, and he will leave all others to find one single soul in danger. This time it was mine, and I am moved to utter compassion for myself: not condemnation, compassion. Because God is LOVE.

So be offended by the Cross, deny THE Father, spit on the Son of God, I do not know you, and on the last day, Christ will say the exact same thing to you. I have done so much to be liked, it breaks my heart. I have been insulted, slandered, abandoned, and I still return like a dog to his own vomit, changing the way I look, the way I talk, just to belong with those who hate the light, but who pretend to do good when others are watching. I was so afraid of being a joke, but now I know I can't prevent that, because the saved will always be fools to those who are perishing. Always.

I would rather be disrespected by my peers, than be mocked by Satan and his minions, who crouch, waiting to pounce and maim when I least expect it, ready to possess my mind, where I end up hurting everyone I love. There is no greater pain than going to war with those you love. None. So give me your grievances against Christ, give me your bitterness, give me your contempt, your malice, your revulsion. From now on, it is those I will endeavor to wage against. The next time I am blindsided, I will respond as God would have me to. I will have the strength to do whatever is necessary to protect the ones I love, and that can only be accomplished through sacrifice, through the fearlessness of being crucified with Christ.

Jesus seeks out the sinners, and if that word offends you, I truly pity you. Christ came to me in 2011 when I was very, very sick, and I have always loved him for that. Christ is the Good Physician. Do we not need medical attention when sick? When will our soul, that which is immaterial and without boundaries, that which God can scoop into and remove the rot and replace with complete and utter RIGHTEOUSNESS be as important to us as our bodies are when they ache? Yes, God will heal you sinner, in an instant. 

When the fight subsides

"In any moment I can surrender to the powerful presence of love through prayer, contemplation, and stillness." - The Universe Has Your Back

I can find peace whenever I please, but the question is, during times of distress, do I really want it? There is a sort of survival mechanism in fighting, fighting against (perceived) injustice. And when I am riled up, fighting for what I (maybe erroneously) believe to be righteousness, no I do NOT want peace, I want the (proverbial) sword. I want to REALLY get my message across, at any cost. 

But inevitably, the panic will subside, I will see it is only my pride that has been wounded, not my security of the self, and I can then turn back to peace. This is the beauty of God - he keeps no records of my bad behavior, and he even invites me to stay in his corner AS I war against others. This is what unconditional love is, this is the love that is rarely, if ever, found on earth. 

I am going through stresses that I have never before experienced, but it is the Universe's will - it was charged unto me at birth. I have come of age, and now must move through fire. The challenges have come to pass, and the test is, how will I manage them? Will I stay close to God? Will I continue to pray? Will I remember to be compassionate to those who offend me? YES. That is the entire point, and I have prepared for this for years.

Nothing in the world matters as much as being an honest person, absolutely nothing. We cannot be spiritual if we are not honest, and I am starting to see how common and effortlessly people lie, it is so shocking to me. And most people know they are doing it, but as with the justice system, proof is necessary to retaliate. 

Lying to others is so disheartening not only for those affected by the manipulation, but because it keeps everyone, including the earth, Gaia, at a base level of healing, and for what? For the disgusting sense of entitlement to a spiritually sick person? 

But to a greater or lesser extent, all fall short of the glory of God, and all of us are to some degree spiritually malnourished. The concern is not falling short though, it's in not recognizing the work that needs to be done in order to maintain the dignity that God wants us to enjoy. Sometimes we hurt each other by thoughtless and ignorant words, that we don't even mean to offend with. Apologizing is the quickest way back to peace, and when ready, God has our backs to be brave and make that first step toward reconciliation.

Reliable signs

Today on my way into work I noticed a street sign where more than half of the name is ripped off. It notes a big street at a major intersection. This spot is a hub, and I imagined all of the people who end up in that area, lost and disoriented, without having any way to see where they are in the one second granted while moving thirty-five miles an hour.

Isn't this true in our lives, when we are at a crossroads without the right information? I have always had trouble making decisions, and a couple of years ago I stressed out a lot of people in a lot of different situations where I kept on going back and forth in my decisions. It was extremely painful, and I have contemplated on why I wasn't able to make a choice, and honor it. 

I was making important arrangements which affected other people, based on broken signs. I was unhappy, but still didn't know which way to go. Do I go straight? Do I turn right? Should I make a left-turn now so that I don't have to make one onto a busy intersection later when I invariably need to turn around?

So WHY are the signs broken? Why did I not have the proper details and layout? One of the reasons is because I was disconnected from myself, and from God. Today I know what I need for my health and I can accept what my limitations are, and this makes decision-making more practical. But when I was not putting serenity first, I exhausted myself, and ended up failing at just about everything I took on.

My path was not straight, I did not have the focus necessary to achieve goals, because my goals had been corrupted. I had become a thankless and gratitude-seeking person who was only looking at what I could get: I had actually regressed in my spiritual quest. When we are only focussed on what we can obtain, or what we are not getting, we are in an arduous state of anxiety, worrying that we will be without.

So how did I find the right avenue? Truthfully I was beaten into a state of reasonableness, where I was desperate enough to level my pride and make choices that would alleviate my incredible discomfort. I sought out the people who could guide me and I stopped focussing on what I could get and instead starting working on what I could lose - the hurt feelings, the fake friends, and the false notion of entitlement. I had to start my life over, in a sense.

In rebuilding what I had undone, my signs became more defined. It became easier for me to make decisions, and a big factor became, where can I be the most helpful? Once I had really only this simple question to answer, it was much more easy to see through the spiritual traps of certain paths. 

Today I am guided regularly, and I am less afraid of being misdirected by my poor sense of judgement. Through wholesome guidance, I have developed an inner trust that directs me even when I need to make a fast decision. I have noticed that there will always be curveballs, but the point is to be ready in order to not be knocked down by them. Training by keeping my relationships healthy has been my spiritual remedy, because then when I am lost, I can ask for aid. 

It can still be confusing when I make directional changes, but when I am maintaining a genuine focus on my destination, in other words not thinking about my reputation, I am less likely to be erratic in my choices: my discernment becomes trustworthy. To have intuition that I can rely on has been the sweet fruit in my endeavors to seeking healthy goals, and asking for direction when lost has been monumental to my sanity. Now I can move freely, and while faith without works is dead, that is a real gift.