I think it's important to stay true to our nature. Everyone has their own nature, and with it includes a cross to bear. I know what mine is, and I work everyday to manage it. I use prayer to help strengthen me, and I make efforts to communicate with others; today friendship is necessary in my life, and I can now count on two hands the people in my life who I can call a real friend. This is important, not because I need a squad, but because I need the reciprocity. This means generally, as I reach out to others, someone in turn is reaching out to me. This happens at any given time, and this is so important, because isolation becomes the conclusion of my cross, and that is when it really gets too heavy to carry.
I used to try to blot out my cross. I still do at times, but only because I know what my battles are, and exposing the truth of my cross, in other words combating its erroneous stigma, is not one of them, at least not today. But one way that I have released from this shame, is to not be so hypervigilant of my behaviour or moods. A way that I would give into the sordidness would result in codependence - a desperation for others to be happy, and assuming responsibility for the way they felt. Today I know that's because I wanted to deflect attention off of myself, because I really didn't like myself. I was so afraid of having an "off" day, of looking inconsistent, unreliable, angry, unappreciative and unkind, that if I didn't feel 100% able to put on a smile, I wouldn't even leave my house.
I am a fan of H.P. Lovecraft, a tortured soul who used his gifts to be of value to the world. He was a successful pulp fiction writer, and the cult following he left behind now enjoy the "religion" of the Cthulhu. Months ago I read a quote from one of his letters, where he claimed that he was a sincerely happy person. I was really surprised to read this, as none of his work that I am familiar with reflected this. I saw a discrepancy that was hard to reconcile, and I think that's because he was so consistent in his work. I sometimes ponder on his claim, and I wonder if he was telling the truth, or if on that particular day he really believed it to be true, or if he was also trying to hide his cross. This has really made me question the validity of consistency.
And I realized that I do no service to myself or others when I try to suppress my feelings, or when I try to act in a way that is not honouring what my mind is telling me. In fact, I think doing so defies my intuition, and therefore can be harmful, as it is so dishonest. Since the summer I have been feeling more at ease with myself, and less afraid of what others think. Walking into a room of people for the most part no longer daunts me, and I realize that I don't need to pretend to like everyone, and that's it's really okay if not everyone likes me.
Today I work on being free - free of the bondage of self and free of the expectations that I feel pressured to perform, which are probably imaginary, at that. I have given power to people for as long as I can remember, and I still do, but today it's not as debilitating. The real problem with people-pleasing is that we rob ourselves of what we can accomplish, and we hold back from God on what he supplied us with in order to give back through our creativity and gifts. This is a tragedy, and this is why I now have confidence of my talents, instead of putting myself down in a false sense of humility. Humility isn't about being powerless and invisible, it's about shining brightly while peacefully consenting to other's light, as well. Humility is to be fearless - to accept our strengths and weaknesses.
As with two sides of character, there are two sides of acceptance. When we embrace our strengths, the gifts of others don't threaten or agitate us (as much). We can feel good and secure in what we have to offer. Likewise, when we accept our weaknesses, we become benevolent and respectful of the fragility of others. We recognize that we offer compassion, because there will be times when we need it ourselves.
It's natural to be two-sided, and now I believe that fluctuation does not need to be suppressed. In fact, resisting our inconsistencies could be a disservice, because it is denying a paradox, something which life can be better understood through. When we reject our nature, we might actually be opposing something that could in fact be of God.
I have come to believe that my inconsistencies, while can cause disciplinary concerns, are my true nature, and therefore godly. As I continue to amend what I want, and what is expected of me, I am extremely grateful that today I can cooperate with my nature. It is liberating that I am not fighting myself in order to appear a certain way to others. I have been offered regeneration through the humility that faith and works has given to me, after having been so lost for so long. There's no shame in ebbs and flows, in peaks and valleys, in sun or rain. The consistency that counts is the respect that I show myself and others, and that is where a life well-lived begins.
As with two sides of character, there are two sides of acceptance. When we embrace our strengths, the gifts of others don't threaten or agitate us (as much). We can feel good and secure in what we have to offer. Likewise, when we accept our weaknesses, we become benevolent and respectful of the fragility of others. We recognize that we offer compassion, because there will be times when we need it ourselves.
It's natural to be two-sided, and now I believe that fluctuation does not need to be suppressed. In fact, resisting our inconsistencies could be a disservice, because it is denying a paradox, something which life can be better understood through. When we reject our nature, we might actually be opposing something that could in fact be of God.
I have come to believe that my inconsistencies, while can cause disciplinary concerns, are my true nature, and therefore godly. As I continue to amend what I want, and what is expected of me, I am extremely grateful that today I can cooperate with my nature. It is liberating that I am not fighting myself in order to appear a certain way to others. I have been offered regeneration through the humility that faith and works has given to me, after having been so lost for so long. There's no shame in ebbs and flows, in peaks and valleys, in sun or rain. The consistency that counts is the respect that I show myself and others, and that is where a life well-lived begins.
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