Delusions of grandeur

My brain is utterly broken.

I do not believe that I was born with a defective brain anatomy, as I did not grow up with problems, or even difficulty learning. By grade one I was the second best student in reading, and by the end of primary school I was getting perfect in math. By the end of middle school I had for one piece become first violinist. And I did this all on my own. Not only with no help from teachers or parents, but within a broken home, as well.

But I suffered from delusions from a very young age. And they were delusions of grandeur. And not because I thought that I was so important, but that I was noticed enough to be chased down. I was in perpetual fear of being abducted and killed, but it was such a chronic fear, that I didn't realize that it wasn't normal.

As my drug addiction grew, they did become genuine delusions of grandeur. I believed that I was a highly sought out sleeper agent. I wrote to the Queen of England on more than one occasion, one time to "warn" her. This then morphed into a genuine belief that my family was in a top-ranking Satanic order, and that it was my sole purpose to bring down Freemasonry and expose the Illuminati. (I no longer believe that Freemasonry is evil, or even that the Illuminati is real, for that matter).

Today my delusions aren't as grandeur, but they are still present, maybe more so in the form of paranoia. I have learnt to recognize them today as they pop up, still frequently, and I am able to tell myself to calm down, and this is the way that I currently handle these intrusions. 

It is time for me to accept my mind, because there is absolutely no cure. I actually read on pyschcentral.com that the best treatment was psychotherapy, one-on-one with a therapist. This is utterly insulting. It is insulting that someone so uneducated is taking a teacher's role, but it is also insulting to offer false hope. I can say first hand, that when I was breaking down seven years ago at the peak of my psychosis in front of my doctor, he could only sit there and watch me cry. He could not help me anymore than a member of the Fellowship recognizes that no doctor can cure alcoholism. Granted, he did give me some medication that broke my extreme psychosis, to where it is the most manageable it has been in my life. I love my doctor, he helped save my life, and I have no intentions on implying any perceived limitations on his part. 

I do not believe that I will ever be fixed of my delusions, I do not believe that my brain will ever fully mend, and it breaks my heart. While I am being treated for manic-depression and while I have recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction, and have been blessed to help others recover, I am not fully integrated, and now understand that I never will be. 

But I am still of use, and I am learning to accept that with discipline and fellowship, I will be able to live a fulfilling life, which is beginning to manifest after my work in the Program. I am making amends, I am forming genuine bonds with other people, I am making a living for myself, I am saving a bit of money, I am responsible and accountable. I just have to remember this, and practice gratitude. Gratitude is a short-cut to God.

And I must learn to accept my illness, which means I must stop being ashamed of it, so that I may talk about it, so that others may benefit. Because if I am brave, and if I can stand up to my afflictions, then maybe one day others who are with me, can form enough of a number, that there may be a cure, for these delusions of grandeur.

Friday the 13th

Today marks my two years of sobriety. My last run was Remembrance Day - it gives "Remember When" a whole new interpretation for me :)

My friend in the Program is receiving his fifteen year medallion on Monday, and it got me thinking about long-term sobriety, and what it really takes to make it in the Program.

I attend an affluent group, and I joined because there were young people, and my sponsor thought it was time for me to fellowship. So, after I received my one year medallion, I made the move, and it was not an easy transition. There were times I really wanted to leave, and sometimes I still do, but that's because I am selfish and self-seeking, and I usually forget why I am there. I lack the humility that my friend has. I still have so much shame around my illness, that I like to push it to the side, placing myself in a position where I am vulnerable to getting so caught up with the boys and the girls and the fashion. It's human nature I suppose, but considering WHY I am there, it's ridiculous!

My friend who is receiving his fifteen year medallion does not get caught up in the sociality of the group. Instead, he has accepted his alcoholism and remembers the true spirit of the fellowship. He was one of the first people to be kind to me, and I will not soon forget that. And I don't just mean acknowledging my existence, I mean truly giving. I was in some uncomfortable scenarios, and he was so humble and supported me. And I say humble because he holds influence, and rightly so, as he is a founding member of the group, and yet his shares are so raw that they cut to the bone, and they are always in the genuine spirit to the Program. 

I get so wrapped up in the more glamourous side of this group that I soon forget where I come from and where I now need to go. I forget my primary purpose, which is to be saved and then to go out and save others. May I take this opportunity that someone humble has given us all, to remember when. 

The Good Wheel

I have changed my blog URL several times, usually because I don't want certain stalkers to read my writing. "The Good Wheel" is a URL that I chose several years ago, after a really great confession.

Before I was initiated into the Church, I was working toward yoga mastery, and I am not even kidding. I rose at 3 am to be at the ashram by 4 am where we would start with a twenty minute prayer, followed by an hour and a half of meditation followed by forty-five minutes of yoga. I studied under a teacher who was the master's disciple, and I was absolutely sure I had met my destiny. 

Then the Lord called me to the Church, right as I had started a year-long yoga teacher training program! It took me YEARS to let yoga doctrine go, and it did not go quietly. I did my utmost to incorporate Christianity and yoga as one, and there is evidence of this on my blog.

Finally, I came to realize that it is not right for me to try to manipulate these two disciplines to suit my intellectual and emotional needs. Hence "The Good Wheel" - I no longer needed to reinvent the wheel  :)

Maybe there is correlation between the ancient art of yoga, and the ancient church, but I could not manage being lukewarm, for I would always come crashing right down, demoralized and dejected in spiritual aridity. 

I still love New Age, currently I am enjoying chakra work and the use of crystals, and after having a spiritual experience as a result of practicing the Twelve Steps, I also now love Reformed theology, because truly, the Program is Protestant in nature (And I now believe that escape of total depravity through regeneration is more of a Great Awakening teaching than a Catholic one). But I no longer try to mesh it all in as one neat little teaching, where I become the Leader. Today, I respect each path as individual and autonomous, and I find that my life has been enriched by them all  :)