Intermittent Fasting

 I am two hours into my new practice of intermittent fasting, and it is already evoking emotion in me. I am pairing with a fasting app to help monitor my progress, and there is a feature where I can report my mood. What I find interesting about these health apps, is they help me align with the status quo, which I like. I don't need to overthink my mood. While I can customize it, I can also just keep it simple, and note that I am struggling. 

Fasting has always pulled emotions buried deep within me. From reading in the Bible that only certain ailments can be cured through fasting (and prayer), to feeling pressure to partake during the lenten season, I always feared being hungry, despite having periods of purposeful starvation due to vanity in my unrecovered past. 

But I did last minute decide to practice fasting for Lent this year, and it was so unbelievably powerful and emotional, that I not only chronicled every single day, but for the first time now have an outline for what might very well be my first book. What really struck me back in March during my fast, was when the pandemic hit North America and the shelves went bare across the city, and we didn't know what stores would stay open, I didn't fear hunger. It also helped strengthen me spiritually, and I got to sincerely experience some raw healing. 

I now, pretty much on a whim once again, decide for the second time this year embark on a radical healing journey, through intermittent fasting. And while I am a little uncomfortable, I am so grateful to close 2020 in a way that is aligned with my values and strengthens my intentions. 

Intermittent fasting can look different for whatever a person's goal might be. The length of the fast can vary to accommodate whatever a person's struggles are, whether obesity, diabetes or other diseases, etc. For my personal goal, I want to reduce inflammation and aid digestion, so I will do the minimum amount of hours, which is 16, going from 5 pm until my morning coffee at 9 am. 

As I discovered lifestyle medicine this year, which catapulted me into my new direction of studying to become a Wellness Coach, I knew I had some significant obstacles to achieving the diet I envisioned. Intermittent fasting I believe is an effective and safe way to work around these roadblocks, until my longterm goal of a plant-based, whole food, and organic diet can be fully realized. 

An Apology To My Readers

 I was premature with my decision to close my blog. It turns out my walk with God cannot be wrapped up with a nice little bow, because I've decided ten is a good number. I learnt that having orderly direction, which I was forcing through self-will, comes from following God, not my own ideas of what looks "good". God IS Good Orderly Direction, but I still went my own way, and called it righteous. I listened to false spirits, and made a poor judgement call, and have atoned for that. 

God is eternally merciful, and King David wrote, "The steps of a good person are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in their way. Though they fall, they shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds them with His hand.." My heart has received this psalm in a new way, because for the first time I admitted I didn't know what God's will is, and that I go outside of His word for guidance, regularly. 

The simple fact is, I need to have this blog actively up and running, because I am still walking out God's will for me, and I need something to chronicle that. I was so prideful to think that I had God figured out, and that I would just go on my way and become some sort of wellness guru, no longer sharing how He works in and through my life. But another confession is, I have wrestled with self over God since I chose, and I do believe by God's permission, to become a professional in a secular industry. 

I understand today why being humble means to go before God and admit that I need a saviour, because I am unfit to deliver myself from my own askew instincts and poorly made decisions. But this does not mean that I come out defeated, for as David poetically wrote, God always brings victory to those who mean well. 

There's a beautiful release in admitting that I don't have it all figured out, and that humility involves being powerless, open to receiving power and direction. That's the best part. Through recommitting to my walk with God, to know His will for me, and to remember that no matter what missteps I might and invariably will take, I can always reconnect with the One who has all power, and who waits to bless me with it. 

Not Going Home, For Home Never Was

In this cancel culture of "Go home", whether for socio-political advancement, or for public safety during the 2020 pandemic, I am reflective of what "home" really is. 

So much of my recovery this past decade has been trying to return to this idea of where I came from, and how my memories of old have either been contorted, or lost. Indeed, the collective consciousness itself cries out to return to a sort of Eden, and I have come to realize that the appropriate response to this lamentation, is to stop looking to recollect these days of old, and to start building new ideas and structures of who we  are, and where we come from. 

One of the best quotes I have heard regarding this global crisis is from author and activist, Sonya Renee Taylor, who posted to her Instagram account, "We will not go back to normal. Normal never was. Our pre-corona existence was never normal other than we normalized greed, inequity, exhaustion, depletion, extraction, disconnection, confusion, rage, hoarding, hate and lack. We should not long to return, My friends. We are being given the opportunity to stitch a new garment. One that fits all of humanity and nature."

I believe this quote epitomizes the crossroad we are at, and is also an invitation to abandon our preconceived notions of what success looks like to us, and to establish new ways of living in freedom and dignity for all. 

Next month this blog will reach its ten year anniversary. I am incredibly proud of this blog and what I accomplished as a writer on it. This collection of work illustrates my journey back home, the messiness of the past decade through the early days of my recovery journey. Today though, almost on cue, as I have intended for a couple of years now that this blog would not be active past it's ten year mark, I ascertain that it's not about returning anywhere, it's about forging new grounds, new ideas, and new goals unlike what I had the capacity to conceive. 

A mixture of morbidity and release encompass my heart as I draw a completion to this body of work, as I embark on new adventures that take me out of my comfort zone and into a new realm of tension and growth, of acceptance and connection. The return to Eden is not up to me to find or circumvent: my journey, our journey, is to go forward, not backward.

This concludes my journey, "From Within" (or, "The Good Wheel"). This project is one of the only things I have been consistent with, and knowing when to let it go, for me, is a sign of real growth. I will share my new website next month, on this site's ten year anniversary. 

Blessings to all, love to all, peace to all. 

A Response to the Evangelical's Teaching of Worship of Self

As I learn about a lot of "self" work in my wellness coaching program, I am reminded of what the brand of Christianity that I generally connect to would have to say about that. In a nutshell, idolatry. And in this case, it could in fact sound a lot like the worship of self. 

But through contemplation, I realized that there is a vast difference between being selfish for my own wants, and selfish for my own needs, as well as a difference between being strong in my own power, and being strong in God's power. And for those who find the word God unpalatable,  for the purpose of this article you can substitute that word with Higher Power, Higher Self, the Universe, Creative Intelligence, etc.

When I look back at who I was two years ago, during a significant change in my life, and who I am today, there is a lot of "self" involvement, and yet the context of self is fundamentally more different. Then, I was deeply rooted in self-pity, and today, I am deeply rooted in the word of God and how I can be of service to others. In so I have learned it's not the word "self" we want to really look at, it's whatever word follows it. Self-pity leads to responses that are entrenched in apathy, sadness, victimization, and scarcity. Self-esteem is planted in empathy, joy, empowerment, and abundance

When I had my spiritual experience in February 2020, and learnt that the cure to all of my mental disease abides in service, I found myself being blessed. But I eventually found that even being of service requires boundaries, meaning I needed to place myself first in certain situations. The message from those who were wiser finally went from my head to my heart: that I cannot pour from an empty cup.  That was a tough but necessary lesson, and that really matured me. "Dying to self" took on a new, more authentic meaning. 

Today this understanding also involves having a positive self-image that leads to healthy self-esteem, and that means I need to build up my self-efficacy. These practices will probably be my speciality as a Wellness Coach, and to the Evangelical Christian, probably looks like an idolatrous nightmare. But I have also learned that there is a world of difference between having a positive self-image so I can apply for the jobs I want and have the social and professional networks I want, and caring only about myself, where I can be of no help to anyone, or connected to anyone, because I am too wrapped up in my own problems (self). 

There is a real sickness in the body of Christ, that is the church, that influences a belief that we must ultimately hate ourselves to follow Jesus, but really I believe that is a perversion of the teaching. Evolutionarily we had to really conform to the pack, and this coding is still in our genes. Being confident can breed jealously that could have historically gotten us kicked out of the tribe, and left to die. But we are no longer subject to ancestral tribes. To rejoice in the gifts of the Holy Spirit, or to be empowered by placing boundaries, is an act of self-love that recognizes my worth as a human being, and as a child of God. A child who is deserving of kindness, nourishment, and love - characteristics that I truly need to be able to give to myself, first. 

When I look back at my thoughts and actions from just a short while ago, even as an observant Christian, compared to how they are today, as a self-empowered student of life, I am far more in the image of Christ today than I was then. The word "self" got hijacked, by some of my favourite online personalities, at that. Fortunately I now know the real difference between running on my own power of lack, and running on God's power of security. Today I can self-advocate, and still invite God in to guide me. 

The Challenges of Establishing Boundaries

By: Carly Blackwell

Learning how to set up (and keep) boundaries - which can be loosely defined as letting other people know how we want to be treated (Tartakovsky, 2018, para. 18) - has been a painful process for me. Fortunately, I understand today that growing pains are a natural part of becoming a wholehearted individual, as I become empowered to express my wants and needs, while respecting the autonomy of others, in turn. 

My biggest struggle with building boundaries has been the belief that if I advocate for myself, I am not a good or kind person. As someone who has struggled with independence, both in my emotions and in my material existence, building my autonomy and learning to exist outside of other people's opinion of me has been a trudge. But boundaries lay a foundation for us to be ourselves rather than be an extension of someone else, or who someone else wants us to be. (Martin, 2019, para. 4). 

As a previously non-wholehearted individual, I was desperate to be considered good or kind. That desperation ran deep because my identity was embedded in being liked for my sensitivities. I needed a radical change of heart to learn that people-pleasing did not make me a good person, and that I did not need my identity to be wrapped up in being sweet, in order to be liked. 

A hurdle to overcome when beginning to set up boundaries is in managing feelings of guilt which sends the message that placing oneself over others is wrong (Strauss Cohen, 2017, para. 2). A significant problem that stems from people-people habits which complicates boundary setting, is the development of the belief that they are responsible for other people's feelings (Strauss Cohen, 2017, para. 6). It is therefore best to know what our limits before we start to define them to others (Strauss Cohen, 2017, para. 9). Once I learnt what my limits were, it became a lot easier for me to know when I truly needed to implement where I stop and where someone else starts. (Mathews, 2017, para. 4) 

Something that has helped me as I begin to establish boundaries is the understanding that when I take on other people's obligations, whether it be attempts to circumvent feelings, or physical duties, I am actually taking opportunities away from those people who can and ought to take their own actions. This acknowledgement was one of the first lessons I learned, that helped me when the time came for me to exist outside of other people's responsibilities.  

Learning boundaries was a hard won lesson, and I still want to run from them. I carry on with my boundaries because I believe that once the discomfort of growth subsides, I will be stronger, with greater chances of accomplishing my deep rooted desires for doing so. Truly the best way that I was able to begin to carry out boundaries was through the mature concession that time is a limited resource, and to add to that as well, that I need to take care of my body in order for it to be healthy and help me meet my responsibilities. 

When I can remember my purpose, and when I can see my own self-worth, I am able to resist the agony of needing to be considered good or nice, and then I can show up in the world as someone deserving of holding limits to how others can interact with me.

Balance of God El Equilibrio de Dios by Randy Burns

References

Martin, S. (2019, October 24). Five tips for setting boundaries (Without feeling guilty). Psych Central. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/06/5-tips-for-setting-boundaries-without-feeling-guilty/

Mathews, A. (2017, May. 30). The right to boundary: Owning you. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201705/the-right-boundary

Strauss Cohen, I. (2017, May 8). When guilt keeps you from setting boundaries. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/your-emotional-meter/201705/when-guilt-keeps-you-setting-boundaries?am

Tartakovsky, M. (2018, October 8). What to do when you feel guilty about setting boundaries. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-do-when-you-feel-guilty-about-setting-boundaries/

The Spirit of the Law

A monumental shift in my recovery has been the transition from black and white thinking to a spectrum of grey thinking. What this means is an interpretation of a situation, where there is curiosity and dialogue, compassion and understanding, other than simply, right or wrong. I have been able to apply this flexible thinking to both myself, and to others when I feel I have been wronged. 

But lately I have found myself resisting this trauma-based black and white reasoning, as it tries to come back to the surface. As I saw others around me in the beautiful acceptance of their grey thinking, I questioned my intentions. I considered who I was in my rigidity, before my true healing and before my commitment to becoming a Wellness Coach, and I wondered if I was as recovered as I thought I was. 

During this pandemic, scores of like-minded people have been doing deep healing that is oftentimes called shadow work. For me what this means is healing that happens without my conscious effort to dig in and look at what ails me - it just comes up almost without warning, and I can either address it, or shove it back into darkness. It feels like an attack in the night, but it doesn't have to be scary or dangerous, it can be one of the greatest opportunities of healing. 

As instances carrying light have cast my shadow this past week, I contemplate the letter of the law verses the spirit of the law. Great thinkers interpret the law in its spirit: they look at various components in how a law might have been transgressed. They appeal for clemency, and in their creativity facilitate great restoration. There is something brilliant to be said about the spirit of the law. 

But even more than the genius of the mind, is the connection of the heart: that is what offers rejuvenation on a cellular level. It's easy for me to look at something as right or wrong, and to want retribution for the offence of mine and society's moral convictions, but I have found while that is easy, it's not joyous. 

I have found that true happiness resides in the grey: the place where we make mistakes or act out of accordance with the letter of the law. Naturally this can be a frightening notion, because it can easily be taken to mean we are only happy when we are doing wrong. And while the entire Western world's theology rests in the certainty that we can do no right outside of divine providence, what I am really asserting here is that true joy comes when we live outside of judgement, blame, and vengeance. 

Perhaps I wasn't as adaptive of the grey thinking as I believed I was, but it's been an avenue to reset and reevaluate why I want to resort to absolutes. Other important questions to ask myself anytime I believe I am thinking or behaving out of line with my values: am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.)? Am I afraid? Am I giving myself enough time in my daily meditation and prayer? These are all contributing factors that, when low, can take me back to self-righteous anger, away from my community. 

The spirit of the law is the broad highway that gives us all space to walk along and find meaning, healing and comfort. While I found satisfaction at times in my perfectionism, feeling justified to cast stones with the power of the letter of the law backing me, I eventually found it much more rewarding to instead use that power to understand, than to be understood. 

Today I protect the grey, and I place boundaries between myself and the black and white. When find myself passing value judgements I take a step back, and I look at more than just what I find to be offensive. The majority of this world we cannot see, and my recovery relies on learning how to sense with my spirit, and not with my flesh. 

Lady of Justice Fresco in The Pitti Palace 1458

Peace on Earth

I've been meditating on how I might attain peace. For a while I thought that peace was something that I earned, through doing the next right thing. And while I do believe that's evident, I understand now when my go-to Christian teacher, Dr. Charles Stanley, said that peace is a gift. Peace is freely given to me, I don't have to earn it, it is my birthright. 

God's very will for me is live in peace. When I am in peace I can flourish and be not necessarily what I want to be, but what I was intended to be. When I am in peace I have the freedom to learn what my gifts and talents are, how to access them and how to use them for my benefit, and in so contribute to the fullest in my community.

The clamours of the world can often threaten my serenity. So when I learned in lockdown how to give my concerns to God, I experienced the immediate release of fear and apprehension. Once I go into a state of rest, and tell God what I am feeling anxious about, I feel relief, and I can begin to think a bit more clearly. 

One way I have been able to maintain a clear psyche is by not letting harmful thoughts travel from my head to my heart. When I instead give my concerns to God, I have developed a filter where I do not internalize destructive thinking and in so, I don't take on other people’s negativity. This filter is established by building confidence, which I have constructed through conscious and habitual connection to God, and it prevents poisonous thoughts from seeping into my being, which for me can pop up in the form of fear of people and their opinions, intrusive thinking, or regret of the past.

In the 2016 US elections, there was a scandal where a company called Cambridge Analytica allegedly broke Facebook's Terms and Conditions to not only steal user's information, but to engage in what a whistle-blower would call weapon-grade manipulation tactics to influence voters who were deemed "persuadables".

I view this as indeed psychological warfare, and I see this happening all around us, all the time. As someone who would identify as easily persuadable, I have dedicated years to building, strengthening, and maintaining a shield, or a filter, to catch messages of deceit that try to influence my line of reasoning to suit someone else's agenda, whether it's something as organized as a media campaign, or as sloppy as an offhanded comment. It is my intention moving forward to help others establish a guard against psychological trespasses.

And I believe it starts with giving to the spirit, however we might understand that spirit. Whether God, Source, the Universe, the Higher-Self....whatever we can start off with that's palatable enough to actually set aside time and the material daily, in order to connect with the spiritual. If we don't setup boundaries with the world in the manner of protecting time alone in meditation, it is unlikely we will consistently have the fortitude to mentally withstand the pressures of the world.

Today I do believe that peace is something that is freely given to me; in fact I believe it is my absolute human right, but because this world has been twisted to love money instead of peace of mind, we do have to fight for it. We have to resist our laziness, our phones, our scattered minds, and until being alone in quiet time with God becomes a working part of the mind, we have to make real strides and even sacrifices to establish our protective barrier.

Choose Hope

In any given circumstance, we can either take in what can contribute to our advancement, or what can lead to our dejection. I have found that I can have agency in whether I succumb to fear or love, and that true devotion to the divine does not mean isolation and extremism.

But it was a hard-fought victory  to choose what builds me up, rather than what restricts me and threatens repercussions. I needed angelic intervention to convince me that anything I do in love will be blessed by God.

Now I look around and see the ultimatums that the world demands, and I can take a step back and rest in the quiet knowing that I am a child of God, on a natural and neutral plane of existence, with a lot of resources to live in peace and security.

And while faith without works is dead, I have also found that grace is extended unto all, and finally know what humility is, and what a humble life truly looks like. We are all one, united in the One, and are so loved that we have the autonomy and freedom to go wherever we like, and still be connected.

Today I trust that I am on the right path, and I stay close to my higher power who will always tell me the answers I need and the path that is best suited for me. All I have to do is make the time to seek guidance, and have an open mind.

I don't need to get derailed on my journey anymore. As a human being, I recognize that I am like a river, always changing, but that my core remains continuously in the image of God. This means that I have the power to manage my emotions. I can unfollow or snooze people and pages on Facebook, mute people on Instagram, and turn off recommendations on YouTube, for starters.

Conversely, if I read something that seems strange, or that I don't feel good about, I can shelve it instead of writing it off. I can see the good in even the most mundane or annoying situations, and that even people who disagree can still appreciate each other, when boundaries are respected.

When I choose hope I choose my heart. I choose what I believe God would have me do. I see the harmony of life all around me, and I can without attachment allow antagonizing thoughts and feelings to slip away, while letting encouragement and motivation, rooted in the confidence that I am acting in accordance with God's will, enter and inspire me.

 

Reconciled to the World

Every so often, I can do a 360 and see peace all around me. Generally, I work toward stability, but what I have learnt is that sometimes things out of my control can happen. In mid-July I got what I now suspect was a little 48 hour bug, that I wrote off as allergies. In the time of corona, of course I didn't want to admit I wasn't well, but after finally feeling almost fully healthy after 5 weeks of mild biological discomforts that lingered, I can understand now how even in the best of efforts, stress can infiltrate my life and  knock me off balance.

But even when battling diseases and infections, I have learned how to live a life that doesn't have to involve battling people as well. Ultimately, the answer is simply in doing the next right thing. C.S. Lewis said that integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching. When I live in integrity, I have noticed how it bolsters my self-esteem, and how it brings me peace, and at times even joy. 

I believe that while physical ailments might not be prayed away, attacks of the mind can be: that we can enjoy tranquillity and comfort in all parts of our lives, at all times, and that it starts with doing the next right thing. Where I start to slip up and find peace evading me, is when I don't put my responsibilities first. But when I give myself the space to trust that what I truly want to do will have its time and place to be enjoyed, I can find my days going by very smoothly. 

This also permits the flexibility to imagine where I really want my life to go, because I am not crunched down by worldly obligations in my commitment to them. Even when I wasn't in the best of physical health, I was able to still remain inspired and hopeful of a future where I am able to use my talents and work with my passions.

And this brings me to my next point - physical health. As I shift my focus towards a holistic and slow-living lifestyle, using things such as lifestyle medicine, green consumerism, and the pursuit of interfaith dialogue to development my entire being, I recognize the importance of physical health as a starting point to mental health. 

Several years ago I learned the acronym H.A.L.T., and when my favourite pastor, Dr. Charles Stanley mentioned this in one of his most recent podcasts, I knew it is very important for people new on the path of regeneration to understand.

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, are states where we are most susceptible to mental and physical disturbances. I believe that even if we can't always do the next right thing, if we can at least ensure that we are not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we are on the right track. 

Of course, it does not mean that we are in immediate danger if we are experiencing any of these discomforts, and the spiritually adept person might even welcome them during times of purification, but for those of us who are still learning the path to peace, it is most beneficial to ensure these traits are seen to, and managed.

When I daily take care of my material and social responsibilities, my mind experiences a freedom, even within the restraints of worldly living. I get to enjoy a tranquillity that abides in love and compassion, and that is absent of fear and judgement. I believe that peace is the reward of good works, which is basic and honest living, no matter the circumstances.

Some Simple Steps For Slowing Down

Being of Service

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Being restless and discontent are feelings I have been trying to evade for most of my life, which I first did through fantasy, and then through drugs and alcohol. I did my best to feel better, until I found myself feeling much worse. Intuitively knowing it was a soul sickness, I used a militant form of yoga for several years, and then Christianity, to be relieved. Those methods did help a bit, but something still wasn't working. By the grace of God I found a Twelve Step program that directly addressed being "restless, irritable, and discontent", and I finally started to address my immediate malady. 

A few weeks ago I had a very sober thought, "Why do I resist these feelings?" I believed it was wrong to feel discontented, that it meant I was spiritually unfit, or that I was doing something wrong in my phases of development. But a thought came to me, "Why is it wrong to feel a little sad?" Instead of resisting my feelings, I accepted them, which I believe today is a productive method of moving through emotional pain, as taught through Acceptance Commitment Therapy. 

I recognized that my default nature is to be restless, irritable, and discontent. And while I might suffer from a more extreme form of that due to compromised mental health through past chemical dependencies, as C.S. Lewis wrote, which epitomizes the Abrahamic religions, we are all this way because we are not really placed where we were designed to be. 

I have been greatly influenced by the discussion around Glennon Doyle's bestseller book, Untamed. It has both inspired and saddened me, as it discusses female empowerment and breaking free from our socially constructed cages. (An indirect response to this narrative can be found in my previous entry here).

In the Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), we believe that we are living in exile, and this is what C.S. Lewis meant when he wrote that we are made for another world. If I am not living up to my potential, if I am in an episode of feeling tamed, or discontented, it's probably because I am a citizen of heaven, not of this world of death and corruption. 

The Christian works to love during this life. A sacrificial love that puts others before ourselves. It can look as simple as not using a plastic straw to help save the environment and marine life, or as grand as taking a vow of poverty. The purpose of this sacrificial love is to find the beauty on this planet as best we can, so that we might continue to be inspired by God's creation, no matter how fallen it is. At its core, this world is still beautiful and magnificent. 

Today I work to put my feelings of discontent into perspective, while still actively arresting those uncomfortable feelings by being of service in my community, including at my work. I still aspire to be as great as I can be, given the tools that I currently have: living in sacrificial love doesn't mean that I don't continue to acquire my heart's desires, it just means that I do it responsibly. 

I have found that the solution to my disagreeable feelings is in helping others, and that is a way of life that was a feat to learn, but well worth the pursuit. I have also learnt that uncomfortable feelings don't need to be acted upon, or even blotted out, they just need to be put into perspective. Learning how to live in accordance with God's will for me, and to remember that I am just a passerby in this world, can help me stay on the narrow path when my feelings want to hijack my progress. I am very grateful to learn how to get out of myself to be of service in this world, which is not mine but which I can still learn to love.

Review of Conscience

Meditation takes a lot of discipline. I used to want to simply get through my day, and be done with it. I didn't want to give any time in the morning to consider my day. I slept in until the last possible second, and when I retired at night, I felt like I had fought a battle, and would be on the brink of sleep by the time I realized I was tired. I didn't want to recall my day, let alone consider what I could have done better.

But when in quarantine, being faced with shadow work and lots of free time, I began to follow instruction from spiritual leaders who I looked up to. I began morning and evening meditation practices, and I saw my life transform, materially and spiritually.

Something that I realize now about my defiance to practice certain parts of daily meditation, mostly the evening review of my thoughts and actions, is that I didn't have the self-compassion that I needed in order to lovingly look at my day and see where I did well, and where I could improve. Now I can see that giving myself the time to review my day, before hitting my limit with fatigue, is an act of self-love, because it connects me to myself, and to a benevolent higher power.

The apostle Paul taught that true love of God is a daily renewal of the mind, and today I understand meditation as an investment for a better tomorrow. When I meditate, I am able to subdue the ego, which gives me the strength to get out of self and to be of service to God, through serving others. Then I am in a flow of love and acceptance, and have generally good days of appreciation.

Living Humbly

I have jumped on the bandwagon of reading Untamed, after a reconstruction Christian ministry I support, as well as people who I admire, have been, for better or for worse, addressing the book. So far, the author is brilliant. I am only twenty pages in, and it is a terrific read so far. But something that I really want to address, is Doyle's recollection of her Catholic school teaching on the events that transpired in the garden of Eden (and which she uses as a starting point in her assertion of restrained female power).

One of the greatest features of the Catholic Church, and why I ultimately accepted the invitation to be initiated into it in 2010, is because it is steady teaching across the board. All teachings come directly from two main texts, and never deviate. And while there are esoteric realms for the mystics within the Church, the teachings are for the most part comprehensive and black and white.

And so I question the accuracy of Doyle's recollection. While it's possible a parish could trust an unqualified teacher, they are nevertheless required go through an instruction course before becoming teachers of the faith. The entire story of Adam and Eve as relayed by Doyle is false teaching, and I don't know any Catholic or Protestant that would 1) Say that Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil because she was "hungry", 2) Leave out the entire part about the knowledge pertaining to good and evil, and 3) Not teach about the star of that scene, Satan.

While Doyle's incredible sensitivity, intellect, and bravery are demonstrated in her response to the story when she asked her teacher to clarify, her recollection of the actual story is either incomplete, or in the postulating of her question, missed a big part of the story, where in fact the entire moral of it is.

Something that I am very passionate about, because I have fallen prey to it time and time again, and learned how to come out the other side and identify it, so that I can continue daily to resist the temptation, is that I am a person, intended to be humble, on the same level as all others. In other words, I am not God. In our new age, we are all little gods it seems, and we are taught and encouraged to reach for our desires, instead of conforming to God's will. But we are all here on Earth for a fleeting moment in time, and we are up against major obstacles daily.

The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil had to be placed in the Garden of Eden, because we are made in the image of God, but are not in this world immortal like God. The knowledge is that we will die, and we were protected from that knowledge, until we were made aware of it.

Eve did not eat the fruit because she was hungry, she ate because she was deceived. Satan attacked by making a move on the one thing that she did not have: permission to eat from the tree. When Satan exploited what he perceived to be a weakness in Eve, a lack, he tempted her by making her doubt what God had said. "Are you sure God said that?..."

The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was a mercy. Today, we know death and decay, because we wanted to be like God. We forfeited our role in an act of pride, but we have been offered it back, when taking the right instruction.

Today I know two things: 1) I am not God, and 2) Because I am not God, I am subject to death. Life to me isn't about taking what I think is worthy of being mine, or what I think I deserve, or even about having fun or rest all the time. It's about being continuously aware that I am vulnerable. The Earth and her people need constant support, because we are all subject to natural and social laws that can make life difficult. When I know that I am not God, I am on the same level ground as all other people, and even all life on Earth. Being no better than and no less than, and this is the true definition of humility.

This is a testing age, an age that says we can conquer the world, but at what cost? Character building is rejected in order to take what we can get. But there is one other part of the story of Eden that is often overlooked: Adam was this planet's caretaker. I inherited the role of servant, I am not God. I misjudged my part and I owe this world an amends for misreading my lines and saying, "Give me!", instead of "How can I help?" This is what those who want to serve need to be aware of, and find and learn how to use the tools that will enable humble living.

Healing Through Nature

I realize how much I love nature. While I haven't been out much during the pandemic, as I look out my window from my desk, I notice how happy the birds and the white butterflies make me. When I open my curtains in the morning, and close them at night, I realize that while I can oftentimes be melancholic, I love being awake to experience the sun and moon, and would love to never have to sleep. I see now that while I struggle to be "happy" in life, I actually love God's creation, and there never seems to be enough time in a day to appreciate each hour. And every season offers something beautiful to delight my senses.

I believe that nature can heal us. When I was able to experience an enchanted day in the forest three years ago almost to the day, which is permanently marked on my body despite my successful walk amongst the rooted trees, stones and hills, only to trip once I got home on my way up the porch, with a nice little dent in my shin now, I felt like a new person. Materialism didn't hold as much weight on me, and I got to experience the rejuvenation that even just one day in nature could do for me. It was a beautiful day, and while the relationship that permitted that experience shortly thereafter crashed and burned and can never return, I can separate that from the memories I wish to cherish, which is growth for me and for which  I am so grateful.

When I am connected to nature, I am in a position to be open to God and to others. I am less selfish when I am in tune with the plants and the animals, because I can see the beauty of the world, and it edges out the pity parties in my mind. The things I think matter, that I decide make or break me, are meaningless. I can experience this healing and the choosing of healthy priorities when I am aware of life on earth, and in so I can fully show up for life and participate, with some sincere happiness. This is the miracle of nature. 💖

Off the grid, July 29, 2017. One of the most healing experiences of my life.

God as a Perfect Parent

I've been meditating on the type of "parent" God is. Being a Catholic, I use Jesus' example of God, and so refer to God as a "He", and as a "Father". Since Jesus and the Father are one, and Jesus comes to give love and peace unlike anything we have ever been shown on Earth, I began to wonder how that type of love would look. I think that this love would emulate the Prodigal Son, where it is not a reward and punishment based system. I have been introduced to Dr. David Jeremiah who preaches about heaven. He has a very nice composure and demeanour and it's interesting to think of the hereafter, something I haven't before really. After my mediation, I read his email which referenced the passing of the old world:

But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up. (2 Peter 3:10)

I thought about the Christians who I like to follow on social media, and who consistently teach a "saved by faith alone" doctrine, but whose lives would suggest other. Their "works" are actually hypervigilant, through the guise of correction of false-doctrine, afraid of a misstep that could lead to punishment. I sympathize, I am the same way, which is why they came into my mind. When I wanted to imagine a faith-based system, where our hearts guide us, even in its imperfection, to God, it's just too scary: all of their fear-based "warnings" creep into my mind. And they are convincing. All of the stories in the Old Testament of the kingdoms of Israel and Judah, and their kings and the punishments thrown on to the people on account of their kings, and the people's own transgressions of inappropriate worship, says to me that God governs on a system entirely run on earned blessings and deserved consequences.

But God's love is not like the world's love. Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27). Therefore, I believe it takes radical faith to believe that God's love is not in fact fully represented until we meet Christ, and why as Catholics we call Jesus the completion of God's revelation to us. (Catechism). So I searched for any other view points on God's love not being a reward and punishment based system, and I found something interesting.

This article on "gentle parenting" suggests a way of parenting that makes a lot of sense, but also shows why it is so difficult to get away from our traditionally rigid and I believe damaging method, even with Christians who defend the faith in claiming that we are not in fact judged by works. I saw a lot of modern psychology in this article, which involves looking at the root of the behaviour, instead of what is apparent to the eye. But maybe why it is the most elusive is because it requires restraint and compassion - two characteristics that do not come naturally to us and need to be cultivated (and I believe that is the result of a reward and punishment system that is riddled in all sorts of trauma).

It's not so simple to untangle a lifetime of embedding that chronically threatens us either with pain or with not getting pleasure, and it's just as hard to divorce a belief that threatens eternal retribution as well. However there comes a point in our lives should we want to mature in our material and spiritual development, when we must take that leap of faith. The action that says, "Okay God, you say your love and your peace is unlike anything I have ever known, therefore it is not this cruel and dismissive method of discipline that is keeping me static and scared. I'm ready to know what you say to be true."

It takes a lot of strength, of my will working to merge with God's will, to take that first step into the unknown, but after that, I trust that I can ride on God's power. In believing that there is something so much greater than a fear-based approach to life, I can see how vengeance and evasion of responsibility permeate every level of society. But this is exactly where God is exceptional, and where we are given the ability to be released from that toxicity of manipulation through a false reward and destructive punishment system, into one of patience, support, and encouragement.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/monkeybusinessimages

My Bubble

I’ve been thinking a lot about the “social bubble” that we’ve been taught to use as a model as we reopen the economy and begin to go back out. Currently, I have seven people, plus potentially my hairdresser who I hugged yesterday, who in my mind is officially in my bubble, but I know I won't see for at least two weeks, so she is pending. We were friends before she became a hair stylist, and I am wondering now if we can become better friends post-pandemic, and we already have plans to make plans.

This bubble, and inadvertently adding someone to it who I don’t actually know very well, has really made me remember my pre-recovery days where I was very alone. In my opinion, this bubble idea is a fantasy. In what world do 10 people make a sort of social contract to engage only with each other for the next several months. I would love to have such a wonderful and loving circle of ride-or-die friends, but I don’t even know what 6 of the 7 people in my bubble spend the majority of their days doing, let alone rely on them for my safety and the safety of my high risk parents (who are in my bubble anyway!)

In what I believe to be a Utopian vision of sociality for the foreseeable future, I am reminded of when the apostle John wrote that we love God because He loved us first. The people in my social bubble who I ultimately don't know very well, and are really only in my bubble by circumstance, reminds me that while I feel alone a lot of the time, I still know a handful of people who, with God's will, can be  people of genuine reciprocal support and love in my life, if we make the effort for each other.

This is yet another fascinating awakening that has been presented to all of us in this pandemic - a novel opportunity to actually restructure our lives from the bottom up. Who do we want in our lives? Really? When our very lives, and the lives of those we love are at stake, who do we actually want to be around?

I truly hope that the people who are in my bubble today, and a few others who I hope to add by the time we have a cure where 60% of the population needs to be vaccinated in order for these protocols to be removed, are my forever people, my end of the world people. The new world we enter is my new space where I officially shed my old unregenerate self, and put on the robes of love and recovery, and where I finally begin to experience true love and kinship.

Love in Time of Conflict

Today I learnt about our ancestors relationship to caves. In caves they were protected from the weather and predators, and there they slept and prepared food and built communities. They healed and practiced sacred ceremonies, and beautiful moments and opportunities occurred in caves. But all I really know of caves is George Bush's comment on Bin Laden and his army being "cave dwellers", substandard and uncivilized. And this was the image of caves I have carried for almost twenty years. Coming to this new information today, presented from a place of honour and compassion, which for some reason has been a revelation, caused a piece of my heart to ache at the lies we are told by people in powers, and the dignity that is robbed from our history when we are in war.

And I see this same hatred today as we battle the coronavirus, and the hurtful messages I see on social media, as citizens become divided over how to navigate this terrain. I am able to see that people are hurt and afraid, and do not have the emotional flexibility to even be silent instead of being outright hurtful, so I can understand and put up boundaries instead of engaging. And for this I am so grateful to be able to detach and feel the strength of my own convictions and my own aspirations, which carries me through this uncomfortable time.

I am staying out of commentaries. In my opinion it is simply best to not make comments, because people are afraid, and they have their own ideas that, for better or for worse, gives them a feeling of control in a generally uncontrollable and unknowable situation. I don't feel a need to participate in any of the narration of this disease, and I don't believe anyone has all the answers. My intentions are to be a source of comfort to anyone who needs it. That was my intention from the moment the news of the virus broke in January, and it continues to be so. We need to care about each other, to support each other, and to remind each other that we are all still connected, no matter what.

Finding Peace in Exile

"Sending for Paul, they listened as he told them about faith in Christ Jesus. (And) he reasoned with them about righteousness and self-control and the coming of judgement." - Acts 24:24-5, NLT

As I go back to work during the pandemic, I once again experience a transformation in spirit, where new challenges bring about new understandings of life. I go in and out of feeling that we are in a war, and I confirm the teachings that we are in exile, or on a prison planet.

This is not to say that it need be doom and gloom, for we are hopeful in the coming of a new age, and a new earth. Rather, it is a reminder that life is not what it seems to be, and remembering that I don't want to perpetuate the illusion by being superficial. In today's morning meditation, I thought about my basic interests, all the things that take me away from God and spiritual improvement, the things that I truly want to spend my time on - viewing the apparently glamorous lifestyles of people on Instagram, royal family watching, celebrity news, and TikTok - all things that ultimately make me feel incomplete and insufficient, but that pull me in and lead to feelings of otherness.

And in the pandemic the big difficulties are greater than the momentary fears that I am missing out on life by what I view on social media, but rather as I move through the discomforts of wearing personal protective equipment as I go back to work, and listen to the murmur of conspiracies, I feel defeated. But when I set my sight on God instead of on Mammon, I have the strength to accept that maybe I really am a prisoner of war, in exile, and maybe that's as it needs to be at this time.

When I do the next right thing by not stealing time at work, when I practice self-control by eating responsibly both nutritionally and ethically, and when I remember that life might in fact be inherently suffering, but that there will be a time of judgement when all wrongs will be righted, being in exile is completely manageable. In fact, when I prioritize the fundamental duties of life, there are even moments of peace and joy.

Through discipline and connecting to God’s word, I do not feel that I have lost a war. As I move through the new difficulties of the economy reopening, I can understand that this is a temporary struggle, and this too shall pass. In the meantime, I am empowered to move through the challenges of a foreign way of life with grace, peace, and joy when I focus on what needs to be done in the present, instead of worrying about the future.

Return to Eden by Brad Thompson

Alone Time

Being an introvert with very solitary-friendly hobbies, thinking of others being depressed or lonely didn't really enter my consciousness during this lockdown. Now that we begin to reopen, and I get a bit more honest about the protective boundaries I put up through fear and discomfort, I can look at the darker side of the pandemic, where some people were in a sort of hell.

But being in solitude doesn't mean that we have to be lonely, melancholic, or entrapped in downward thinking. Being in solitude for extended periods of time can be the great reckoning where we turn to God and open our minds and hearts to the possibility of being transformed into a person who takes a circumstance, and shifts it into an opportunity.

Freedom comes to us when we don't need too much outside of ourselves to be happy. Of course we still need resources. If I didn't have the Internet, ability to go to the grocery store, or a few close friends during this time, my experience in this pandemic would have been a lot more grim. But I trust that God would provide for me. Where I wouldn't have Internet, I would have books, where I wouldn't have opportunity to pick up supplies, I would ask my neighbours or church for help, and where I wouldn't have loved ones, I would have helplines and my fur-family. Part of being in solitude includes having the beautiful resource of time to problem-solve.

What I have learned the past three months is that God will not let me down. God will be with me always. I realize today that this is a promise that has withstood loneliness, financial fear, and even the prospect of death (getting my dad sick) during this bizarre and eye-opening time.

Being in solitude matured me spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. It helped me reset, regroup, and reevaluate. It showed me who I want my friends to be, and who I can now finally let go of. It gave me the perspective to figure out my priorities, which up until this time lacked balance. It also opened my heart to more compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. I got to see that we all have different personal realities, and to respect others more sincerely.

There will be a lot of healing to be done as the world reopens, but solitude and being still with God is where the bulk of the recovery will rest. Solitude does not need to be feared, it is ultimately where the greatest peace, reconciliation, and answers will be found. During alone time we are afforded the chance to simplify and return to a pre-traumatic, pre-chaotic, and pre-distorted world, and where we can now make decisions based on what is best for the new reality that we want to create and live in.

Build a new reality rooted in love

Self-Love

A big part of healing the conflict-stricken ego is to have self-love. Some might think that self-love is akin to pride or vanity, but it's actually having self-respect. Self-respect can be a loaded word, thrown around in defiance or used against people to shame them, but what it really means is knowing the value we bring to others, and honouring that.

Self-love is also self-care. It's being gentle, loving, and nurturing with ourselves, and in turn we can give that same compassion to others. Self-care fosters self-esteem, because we become proud of our ability to take care of ourselves, and to then live with integrity.

We live in a world when people are so afraid to look vain, but we use the wrong methods to combat self-absorption. The solution to the problem of arrogance is humility, and the only way to be humble is to put God above all else. When we put God first, we truly begin to have self-love which at its very core is self-forgiveness. 

So many people are going about the world with unresolved trauma, situations of buried pain resulting from unmet needs, and this causes stunted emotion growth. Because we didn’t have the autonomy to care for ourselves as children, I believe the ego develops a sort of self-hatred, where we feel we failed to take care of our most basic needs, and in so we develop a deep sense of guilt (that we might not even be aware of).

Self-love begins to heal the trauma of unmet needs, and as I work through my own recovery, I find that being harsh, critical, or judgemental with myself is no longer acceptable. I work to not say things to myself that I wouldn't say to someone else. I would not insult other people, and I am not the exception.

Ultimately, self-love involves acceptance. I learn to accept the imperfections that always were, or that I created, which with acts of self-forgiveness I can begin to make peace with. When I can let go of the past, I am practicing self-love. When I take care of myself, I am practicing self-love. When I am truly humble, and treat myself and others as children of God, deserving of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness, I am practicing self-love which I can then take out into my community and help with its own healing process.

Jesus Wants YOU!

I am in a chat room where there is a subculture that is greatly misunderstood, and where it is difficult for me to not pass judgement ("Furries"). Because I have been cultivating my love for God, and for others, along with my boyfriend's influence with therapeutic ideas such as Angel's Advocate, I am learning to take a back seat instead of jumping in with my opinions.

I knew not only would unfriendly or unsupportive remarks be inappropriate, but I was also able to put myself in their position. I realized that if I started talking about something where they felt uncomfortable or insulted, they wouldn't like that either. I imagined that they wouldn't want, for example, to hear about Jesus any more than I want to hear about their fringe and misunderstood hobby.

But it was suggested that maybe they DO want to hear about Jesus. Maybe they don't realize that Jesus wants them in his fold, or that being a Christian is even a possibility. But Jesus welcomes all of us, and will come to us even at the lowest points in our lives, as he did for me.

I don't want to use Jesus for my own agenda, which is to have my own way. I want to instead use his strength to love people where they are at, just like he loved me where I was at, and to learn enough that I don't need to come from a place of judgement or reform.

It never really occurred to me that people would want to hear about Jesus. I was so wrapped up in looking unoffensive and fitting in that I didn't consider what people are searching for so deeply outside of themselves and society might really just be a yearning to invite the kingdom of God within.

Fellowship With God

Today's devotion by Dr. Charles Stanley, my favourite preacher, says that when God created the world, the only thing He didn't declare to be good, was that Adam was alone.

Something that I was not very attuned to during this pandemic, was that this is the first time in some, possibly many, people's lives where they truly felt isolated. I heard an influencer say that quarantine is like a depression - not being able to be social or work. It was a new perspective for me. While I understand that the pandemic has been a nightmare for some, my experience has been emotional and spiritual growth, because I have already passed through a period of a nightmare and woke up from it.

While I encouraged my readers to use this time to develop a personal relationship with God, which I also deepened and refined in my time in lockdown, I didn't consider the culture shock of truly being isolated with only one's thoughts. This is when relying of God is even more important: this is truly the time for God to be our main point of contact in quarantine.

The problem with developing a relationship with God when there is an abundance of free time, is that there are many hypnotic cult leaders, and very deep rabbit holes to fall down. I have gone down a couple in the past three months, but by the grace of God, along with past works, was able to not let it last more than a day or two. I don't even want to consider what people with no spiritual or emotional discipline are mentally tormenting themselves with at this time.

It's easy for me to be a Christian, because I had an experience with Jesus coming to me during a low point in my life in 2011, after having been fired from what I thought was going to be my dream job. So whenever I am seduced by charismatic teachers, I can easily recall who truly offers eternal life, and who can transcend the impermanent, emotional, and erratic social fads and norms. The only person I know this to be true, is Jesus.

Some people say that religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, and spirituality is for people who have been to it. I find this statement to be incomplete and unfounded. Religion sustains and protects an ideology, whereas "spirituality", whatever that actually means, is porous, with few, if any defences against deceit; where there are no clear boundaries, and where one can easily be misled during moments of weakness, such as a pandemic. A true religion will offer both consistency and inspiration, and will provide opportunities to be lifted up, and to grow, within a set of healthy guidelines that tames our egotistical and opinionated minds.

But sometimes we see these boundaries and rebel for a utopia, without the actual tools or blessings to create one. What we end up participating in is a world where we don't feel judged and where we don't feel wrong, but where we do feel scattered and ungrounded. Every healthy system has instructions and checks and balances, and every guideline that comes from God is rooted in love.

Instead of fighting a perceived limiting institution, I suggest learning its core precepts instead. Oftentimes in our attempts to be free we end up being more restricting. We interpret something to be a threat, oftentimes based from misinformation, and decide it can't help up. The truth is, we have a long history behind us and no matter what, we are going to be disenchanted at one point or another. But the hiccups along the road walking with Christ are a lot less disruptive than damaging trips on stones that random spirituality, oftentimes from unqualified teachers, places in our way.

Still Life with Bible by Vincent van Gogh

Foolproof

"Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip; liars pay close attention to slander." (Proverbs 17:4-5)

Being a generally gullible person, it can be difficult for me to see the intentions of others, and easy to be fooled by pretty facades. But reading this wisdom of Solomon was a big "Ah-ha" moment for me, because it makes it simple to spot falsehood.

I'm watching a reality show that started off appealing to my ambitions: making high-ticket sales in glamorous L.A. I am attracted to professions that entail commission and celebrity, and while I don't have the ambition to be a big shot, I do believe that we can be in the world, and still not of it. I imagine that we can be in a highly sought out and competitive environment and accumulate wealth, but still be of service to others, by being crafty as serpents, and gentle as doves, as Jesus also told us to be.

But in the second season, the premise diverts a bit, and it became so focussed on drama and gossip, that I stopped watching it. There is one character who seems very put together, and in my opinion seems the most mentally and spiritually healthy of the bunch. If I were to pick a role model from one of them, it would be her. But when I read the above passage from Proverbs, I could see how easily I can be fooled. 

Jesus said that we can judge a tree by the fruit it produces, and King Solomon breaks it down in the most pure and basic form - if they gossip, they are to be avoided at all costs!! I saw a real life example of how easily I can be deceived to believe something is lovely and desirable, even though I know that Satan appears to us as an angel of beautiful light. (2 Corinthians 11:14).

So much of my journey toward regeneration today involves appreciating a life well lived, which so far I have discovered to be very basic actions. It is crucial for me today to not compromise serenity for status, to not sacrifice health for beauty, and to not trade enlightenment for excitement. I recognise today that other people's opinions of me do not mean more than God's pride of me, and after this pandemic, that being popular won't carry me through being laid off and quarantined.

Being empowered by God, and knowing basic instruction to be safe and remain in His presence, makes being gullible a lot less insulting to my ego. It's okay to be simple, it's okay that the devil knows more than me and can easily fool me, because when I abide by God's wisdom, I can thwart any attempt to avert me from the grace and peace of God.

Gossip by Pol Ledent

Confidence in Meditation

I’ve been spending more time in meditation, which has been very easy to do in quarantine. I haven’t had to wake up early, and so I can spend as much time as I want on my sheepskin rug, without having to go into my sleep schedule. While the real challenge will come when it’s time to go back to work, I am still reaping unexpected fruits, and one of those is having so much more confidence in God and my relationship with His Son.

Some people in my prayer circles might know that I’ve never felt very confident to meditate. I doubted my ability to discern the spirits, and to know which messages were valid, and more so, safe. But my attitude began to shift when I started regularly listening to Dr. Charles Stanley, who has for me been a massive gift from God, because he feels like a grandfather figure to me. I truly understood that he has dedicated his life to prayer and meditation, and I decided to relax my ego enough to give it a real try. The results were amazing, and surprisingly quick.

Now I have the experience to tell others of the benefits of meditation and in trusting God. What I now know from my brief time in sincere meditation is that God really does know me well. He knows my health concerns, my financial struggles, my relationship tensions, and all of my talents and all of my setbacks as well. When I think that God can't possibly know me, I remember that He became flesh, out of love for me, for all humans, in order to experience directly Himself every last thing that I go through.

It took me a long time to actually commit to meditation, to the point it surprised some people. But I knew I was on a path that would one day lead to the kingdom of God, and this pandemic, in yet another way, reconciled me in a profound way to God and His Son. But I also needed a guide, as I believe we all do, and that is also a reason why I was able to stay so focussed during quarantine, despite so much free time to get lost down rabbit holes. The call that I have been hearing to be an encourager has been answered during this pandemic.

I know firsthand how difficult it is to find consistent and suitable teachers, I have had my heart break several times over from following false teachers, and so I fully understand the fear and apprehension in truly following a spiritual discipline. After finding Dr. Charles Stanely last August on AM radio during a very challenging season in my life, I have better direction to help guide others, whoever their own mentors might end up being.

Something that I realized during the pandemic is that there is so much information, which oftentimes contradicts. I was blessed because I have years worth of research and contacts to fall back on, but a lot of people were blindsided by the lockdown from this virus, and had no one. I understand, it takes a lot of work to find a groove in Christianity, which is why I am so confident that I can be of service, if someone asks.

For those who are not yet ready to believe, my advice is simple: find something that makes you feel safe, and stick with that. Don't be distracted. Distractions are weapons of the enemy, used to weaken us so that when hardship hits, we don't have enough strength to withstand it with grace.

God has carried me through this pandemic, and it's not because I am favoured, but because my confidence comes through faith, which has been put to the test, and which keeps on passing through. God is a way maker, He will always find a way for us, if we take a moment to go to Him with our concerns.

Sinach "Way Maker"

The Father's Understanding Is Not My Own

"Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions;
I will put them into practice with all my heart.
Make me walk along the path of your commands,
for that is where my happiness is found." (Psalm 119.34-5)

I have felt as though God has been a strict parent saying "No" quite a bit lately. Resisting throwing temper tantrums, I have done the opposite of what my instincts demand, and have delved deeper into God's word, and spending more time with Him in meditation. While I feel that I am not moving forward, which is really an unrealistic request in a pandemic where my industry is still in lockdown, I can maintain equilibrium, and this is the result of hard work and trust that I will be rewarded for my discipline.

But there have still been some challenging moments. Occasions where I felt almost desperate to take hold of the reins and steer toward the destination where I want to go, even though I really don't know where that is, I just know it's somewhere else. But wanting what I want when I want it is not the mentality of a healthy person, and today I can understand that, and even more so, respect it. 

The reason why I push through episodes of self will, is because deep down I know that God is a wise Father who knows what is best for His children. Being told "No" is not a punishment, it's not an undermining, it's not to make my life miserable. It's because God knows me better than I know myself. God knows me better than anyone else. That is why I go to Him with all of my concerns and questions now: because I have placed my trust in Him and His will for me.

I don't want to live a life driven by my own power. My own power leads me to places of guilt, animosity, and conflict, and when I am tempted by greed and frustration to do what I think is best for me, I am not thinking ahead; I am only living in an impulsive moment where I take risks that alleviating short-term discomfort won't turn into long-term regret. 

When I follow instruction, when I let God discipline me, I have the peace that I have always yearned for. Jesus told his disciples that the peace he gives is not as the world gives (John 14.27). How can someone who lived such a hard life have peace for himself, let alone enough to provide for others? It's because this world has a complete misunderstanding of what happiness, fulfillment, and comfort really is. 

King David was one of the greatest people to ever live. He succeeded in battle, he was adored by his people and well respected, and he had more power and riches than the average person can fathom. But he still had his struggles and he still implored God to discipline him to live not in his own will, but in God's, and to follow His commandments. King David was blessed when God said "No", because it helped confirm a two-way relationship that was built on mutual love and respect.

In his psalm, David wrote, "I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments" (119:45).  Relief from my worries come when I abandon my own schemes, in order to follow God's instructions, which are in place to keep me safe. At first it might seem counterintuitive to rely on God's design, but in time it makes sense to collaborate with the One who wants the best for us, and to from there have validation that transcends a truly fickle world.