Being of Service

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Being restless and discontent are feelings I have been trying to evade for most of my life, which I first did through fantasy, and then through drugs and alcohol. I did my best to feel better, until I found myself feeling much worse. Intuitively knowing it was a soul sickness, I used a militant form of yoga for several years, and then Christianity, to be relieved. Those methods did help a bit, but something still wasn't working. By the grace of God I found a Twelve Step program that directly addressed being "restless, irritable, and discontent", and I finally started to address my immediate malady. 

A few weeks ago I had a very sober thought, "Why do I resist these feelings?" I believed it was wrong to feel discontented, that it meant I was spiritually unfit, or that I was doing something wrong in my phases of development. But a thought came to me, "Why is it wrong to feel a little sad?" Instead of resisting my feelings, I accepted them, which I believe today is a productive method of moving through emotional pain, as taught through Acceptance Commitment Therapy. 

I recognized that my default nature is to be restless, irritable, and discontent. And while I might suffer from a more extreme form of that due to compromised mental health through past chemical dependencies, as C.S. Lewis wrote, which epitomizes the Abrahamic religions, we are all this way because we are not really placed where we were designed to be. 

I have been greatly influenced by the discussion around Glennon Doyle's bestseller book, Untamed. It has both inspired and saddened me, as it discusses female empowerment and breaking free from our socially constructed cages. (An indirect response to this narrative can be found in my previous entry here).

In the Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), we believe that we are living in exile, and this is what C.S. Lewis meant when he wrote that we are made for another world. If I am not living up to my potential, if I am in an episode of feeling tamed, or discontented, it's probably because I am a citizen of heaven, not of this world of death and corruption. 

The Christian works to love during this life. A sacrificial love that puts others before ourselves. It can look as simple as not using a plastic straw to help save the environment and marine life, or as grand as taking a vow of poverty. The purpose of this sacrificial love is to find the beauty on this planet as best we can, so that we might continue to be inspired by God's creation, no matter how fallen it is. At its core, this world is still beautiful and magnificent. 

Today I work to put my feelings of discontent into perspective, while still actively arresting those uncomfortable feelings by being of service in my community, including at my work. I still aspire to be as great as I can be, given the tools that I currently have: living in sacrificial love doesn't mean that I don't continue to acquire my heart's desires, it just means that I do it responsibly. 

I have found that the solution to my disagreeable feelings is in helping others, and that is a way of life that was a feat to learn, but well worth the pursuit. I have also learnt that uncomfortable feelings don't need to be acted upon, or even blotted out, they just need to be put into perspective. Learning how to live in accordance with God's will for me, and to remember that I am just a passerby in this world, can help me stay on the narrow path when my feelings want to hijack my progress. I am very grateful to learn how to get out of myself to be of service in this world, which is not mine but which I can still learn to love.