Living in Purpose

I passed through an interesting transformation at the beginning of this week whereby I accepted the release of fear. Naturally it is liberating, but it has also brought about a sense of confidence and purpose in which all the years I prayed and worked to be released from fear I wasn't expecting. I think the most pivotal change has been that I sincerely care about other people. The release of my egotism has paved the way for connection, and therefore I know for certain now that the opposite of fear is love - something that was taught to me at the beginning of my regenerative journey.

There is a cocooning in this metamorphosis which protects me from defaulting to a survival state of fear which comes in the form of resentment most identifiable through feelings of regret, self-pity and jealousy. What I have come to notice is that these feelings arise from a false notion of entitlement that can instead  be recognized as threatening only because I am already blessed. When in fear I am crippled by the belief that my blessings are in danger of being removed, but by being grateful for what can feel threatened, that which once had the ability to disturb me is rendered powerless.

I needed to arrive at a place of acceptance through honesty by acknowledging that I didn't care to engage with people, learn from them, or need their friendship. Everything that anyone could ever say was a waste of time to me; even my own interests and hobbies became pointless. Since the leveling of my pride made possible through God's grace I became able and willing to live with a humble heart, rather than a cunning mind. The results have been miraculous and today I am no longer living on the peripheral of even my own life.

I see purpose and value in everything I do, from a simple chore to an extension of kindness. The freedom from needing validation has paradoxically made me feel more validated. This has strengthened my connection to God and to others because 1) I have complete confidence is what I do, and 2) I don't need the approval or compliments of others to feel good about myself.

There is no quick method to being rid of fear that I know of, but I don't believe it needs to be onerous work, either. At some point this week my attitude and outlook shifted from having to desperately pray "God, replace my fear with faith" to "Thank you God for your gifts today", and maybe it was just my time to reap what I have sown. While it took time and effort, I don't believe there are levels of initiation that must be passed in order to receive the peace of God and to feel satisfied in a twenty-four hour day, or that God's joy is only for a few. With intention and purpose, it is possible to live free of worry, confident in our surroundings.

Today I am respectful of my past, excited about my present, and hopeful for my future, and that is an awesome place to reside in.

Character Building

“Grant that I may seek to comfort rather than be comforted...” Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

As Bill Wilson so eloquently put, "Whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the chase after what we thought was happiness...Character-building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us." (Step Seven, pgs. 72+74)

When I was angry at people and afraid of the possible negative consequences of being the responsible nice guy, in other words being stricken with the fear of losing resources and companionship, I didn’t want to character-build. I wanted to complain and correct. I wanted everyone to be as good as me. It was a real backwards hypocrisy. But today I am able to take a time-out through meditation so that I don't have to act-out when I am feeling aggitated.

For me meditation is two-fold: first I study. I take the time and space to read meaningful spiritual text, then I reflect on it. It is the latter where the real work is done. That is where I apply what I learn and practice my design-for-living. It has taken me three years to meditate effectively on the above prayer (see link for full prose), and I am not even half-way there.

I wasn't always able to apply meditation. In my third year of sobriety I started a slippery slope of using a medication that has been so dangerous for people of spiritual bedevilments, the government put unbelievable restrictions on it. And while I never abused this medication, there was a mental component of dependency I suffered from. What if I don't get a refill? It was fear-based and text book addict-thinking.

Finally judgement day arrived. My doctor retired and my new doctor wouldn't give me a new prescription. Not until a meet-and-greet, at least. The panic set in, the mental disturbances roamed in my mind. I knew for certain, I was not living the recovery God had intended for me. I was convicted.

I prepped for my meeting, questioning where the thin line is in manipulating a doctor: how far do I push it before it becomes obvious? I needed to present myself as a mature, mentally-fit young woman who simply needed a little extra support "as needed", and that I would absolutely be responsible as I took this highly controlled substance. I was able to get a new script, albeit under a bit more of a regimented plan.

I had my wake-up call and was ready to change.........doctors, that is. I found someone who was much more liberal, but upon recognizing that I was knee-deep in recovery, he made it painfully clear that the drug I wanted to take would be considered breaking my sobriety by the fundamental members in my fellowship. Feelings of shame, paranoia, and failure beset me. I was convicted in the drug store when I couldn't get my prescription, but now I was serving my sentence. I became open to the possibility of not using this medication anymore.

Finally after two and a half years I began to put my money where my mouth is. I commenced to choose meditation over medication. God empowered me through artistic release when I called on The Great Physician instead of a pharmacist. I know for certain now that God's will for us is to be creative, and that is why he gave me the will, power, and determination to release from my hateful feelings and fears in a healthy way, through artistic expression - in a way that is in conjunction with my program of recovery, which is my way of life.

I chose character-building and I was victorious. I have been a light in the darkness, a lamp trimmed by Jesus Himself; fearless, unashamed, and FREE. Released from people places and things. My sobriety has not broken in my opinion, but it has certainly been strengthened. And again, I must practice my program in a real way, and "Live and Let Live" for those who will most certainly think I have. My dignity is no longer contingent on anything outside of myself, and that is why today I can talk about what I hid for over two years in fear of being ostracized. I have taken the final step into liberation and strength.

Before I started to choose character-building over comfort, I made a ton of excuses for myself. I'm sicker than most, it's pharmaceutical, I am suffering too much, it's a low dose, etc. But what I was really doing what cutting myself short, and not giving my recovery all of the blessings I could be. I now know that character-building is not pointless, and that I will not suffer for longer than necessary in choosing meditation over medication - in fact the relief is just about instantaneous.

I couldn’t figure out why I had so much faith in God, but still such a weak meditative practice. I couldn’t pass on the message, because when in the thick of it, I bailed. But today I love having a program to pass on, and it is so worth meditating through the intense moments of fear and apprehension in order to reap what I sow, for the next sufferer.

"We would much rather work for God than believe in Him. Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do?" - Oswald Chambers