A Response to the Evangelical's Teaching of Worship of Self

As I learn about a lot of "self" work in my wellness coaching program, I am reminded of what the brand of Christianity that I generally connect to would have to say about that. In a nutshell, idolatry. And in this case, it could in fact sound a lot like the worship of self. 

But through contemplation, I realized that there is a vast difference between being selfish for my own wants, and selfish for my own needs, as well as a difference between being strong in my own power, and being strong in God's power. And for those who find the word God unpalatable,  for the purpose of this article you can substitute that word with Higher Power, Higher Self, the Universe, Creative Intelligence, etc.

When I look back at who I was two years ago, during a significant change in my life, and who I am today, there is a lot of "self" involvement, and yet the context of self is fundamentally more different. Then, I was deeply rooted in self-pity, and today, I am deeply rooted in the word of God and how I can be of service to others. In so I have learned it's not the word "self" we want to really look at, it's whatever word follows it. Self-pity leads to responses that are entrenched in apathy, sadness, victimization, and scarcity. Self-esteem is planted in empathy, joy, empowerment, and abundance

When I had my spiritual experience in February 2020, and learnt that the cure to all of my mental disease abides in service, I found myself being blessed. But I eventually found that even being of service requires boundaries, meaning I needed to place myself first in certain situations. The message from those who were wiser finally went from my head to my heart: that I cannot pour from an empty cup.  That was a tough but necessary lesson, and that really matured me. "Dying to self" took on a new, more authentic meaning. 

Today this understanding also involves having a positive self-image that leads to healthy self-esteem, and that means I need to build up my self-efficacy. These practices will probably be my speciality as a Wellness Coach, and to the Evangelical Christian, probably looks like an idolatrous nightmare. But I have also learned that there is a world of difference between having a positive self-image so I can apply for the jobs I want and have the social and professional networks I want, and caring only about myself, where I can be of no help to anyone, or connected to anyone, because I am too wrapped up in my own problems (self). 

There is a real sickness in the body of Christ, that is the church, that influences a belief that we must ultimately hate ourselves to follow Jesus, but really I believe that is a perversion of the teaching. Evolutionarily we had to really conform to the pack, and this coding is still in our genes. Being confident can breed jealously that could have historically gotten us kicked out of the tribe, and left to die. But we are no longer subject to ancestral tribes. To rejoice in the gifts of the Holy Spirit, or to be empowered by placing boundaries, is an act of self-love that recognizes my worth as a human being, and as a child of God. A child who is deserving of kindness, nourishment, and love - characteristics that I truly need to be able to give to myself, first. 

When I look back at my thoughts and actions from just a short while ago, even as an observant Christian, compared to how they are today, as a self-empowered student of life, I am far more in the image of Christ today than I was then. The word "self" got hijacked, by some of my favourite online personalities, at that. Fortunately I now know the real difference between running on my own power of lack, and running on God's power of security. Today I can self-advocate, and still invite God in to guide me. 

The Challenges of Establishing Boundaries

By: Carly Blackwell

Learning how to set up (and keep) boundaries - which can be loosely defined as letting other people know how we want to be treated (Tartakovsky, 2018, para. 18) - has been a painful process for me. Fortunately, I understand today that growing pains are a natural part of becoming a wholehearted individual, as I become empowered to express my wants and needs, while respecting the autonomy of others, in turn. 

My biggest struggle with building boundaries has been the belief that if I advocate for myself, I am not a good or kind person. As someone who has struggled with independence, both in my emotions and in my material existence, building my autonomy and learning to exist outside of other people's opinion of me has been a trudge. But boundaries lay a foundation for us to be ourselves rather than be an extension of someone else, or who someone else wants us to be. (Martin, 2019, para. 4). 

As a previously non-wholehearted individual, I was desperate to be considered good or kind. That desperation ran deep because my identity was embedded in being liked for my sensitivities. I needed a radical change of heart to learn that people-pleasing did not make me a good person, and that I did not need my identity to be wrapped up in being sweet, in order to be liked. 

A hurdle to overcome when beginning to set up boundaries is in managing feelings of guilt which sends the message that placing oneself over others is wrong (Strauss Cohen, 2017, para. 2). A significant problem that stems from people-people habits which complicates boundary setting, is the development of the belief that they are responsible for other people's feelings (Strauss Cohen, 2017, para. 6). It is therefore best to know what our limits before we start to define them to others (Strauss Cohen, 2017, para. 9). Once I learnt what my limits were, it became a lot easier for me to know when I truly needed to implement where I stop and where someone else starts. (Mathews, 2017, para. 4) 

Something that has helped me as I begin to establish boundaries is the understanding that when I take on other people's obligations, whether it be attempts to circumvent feelings, or physical duties, I am actually taking opportunities away from those people who can and ought to take their own actions. This acknowledgement was one of the first lessons I learned, that helped me when the time came for me to exist outside of other people's responsibilities.  

Learning boundaries was a hard won lesson, and I still want to run from them. I carry on with my boundaries because I believe that once the discomfort of growth subsides, I will be stronger, with greater chances of accomplishing my deep rooted desires for doing so. Truly the best way that I was able to begin to carry out boundaries was through the mature concession that time is a limited resource, and to add to that as well, that I need to take care of my body in order for it to be healthy and help me meet my responsibilities. 

When I can remember my purpose, and when I can see my own self-worth, I am able to resist the agony of needing to be considered good or nice, and then I can show up in the world as someone deserving of holding limits to how others can interact with me.

Balance of God El Equilibrio de Dios by Randy Burns

References

Martin, S. (2019, October 24). Five tips for setting boundaries (Without feeling guilty). Psych Central. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2019/06/5-tips-for-setting-boundaries-without-feeling-guilty/

Mathews, A. (2017, May. 30). The right to boundary: Owning you. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201705/the-right-boundary

Strauss Cohen, I. (2017, May 8). When guilt keeps you from setting boundaries. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/your-emotional-meter/201705/when-guilt-keeps-you-setting-boundaries?am

Tartakovsky, M. (2018, October 8). What to do when you feel guilty about setting boundaries. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-do-when-you-feel-guilty-about-setting-boundaries/