Confidence in Meditation

I’ve been spending more time in meditation, which has been very easy to do in quarantine. I haven’t had to wake up early, and so I can spend as much time as I want on my sheepskin rug, without having to go into my sleep schedule. While the real challenge will come when it’s time to go back to work, I am still reaping unexpected fruits, and one of those is having so much more confidence in God and my relationship with His Son.

Some people in my prayer circles might know that I’ve never felt very confident to meditate. I doubted my ability to discern the spirits, and to know which messages were valid, and more so, safe. But my attitude began to shift when I started regularly listening to Dr. Charles Stanley, who has for me been a massive gift from God, because he feels like a grandfather figure to me. I truly understood that he has dedicated his life to prayer and meditation, and I decided to relax my ego enough to give it a real try. The results were amazing, and surprisingly quick.

Now I have the experience to tell others of the benefits of meditation and in trusting God. What I now know from my brief time in sincere meditation is that God really does know me well. He knows my health concerns, my financial struggles, my relationship tensions, and all of my talents and all of my setbacks as well. When I think that God can't possibly know me, I remember that He became flesh, out of love for me, for all humans, in order to experience directly Himself every last thing that I go through.

It took me a long time to actually commit to meditation, to the point it surprised some people. But I knew I was on a path that would one day lead to the kingdom of God, and this pandemic, in yet another way, reconciled me in a profound way to God and His Son. But I also needed a guide, as I believe we all do, and that is also a reason why I was able to stay so focussed during quarantine, despite so much free time to get lost down rabbit holes. The call that I have been hearing to be an encourager has been answered during this pandemic.

I know firsthand how difficult it is to find consistent and suitable teachers, I have had my heart break several times over from following false teachers, and so I fully understand the fear and apprehension in truly following a spiritual discipline. After finding Dr. Charles Stanely last August on AM radio during a very challenging season in my life, I have better direction to help guide others, whoever their own mentors might end up being.

Something that I realized during the pandemic is that there is so much information, which oftentimes contradicts. I was blessed because I have years worth of research and contacts to fall back on, but a lot of people were blindsided by the lockdown from this virus, and had no one. I understand, it takes a lot of work to find a groove in Christianity, which is why I am so confident that I can be of service, if someone asks.

For those who are not yet ready to believe, my advice is simple: find something that makes you feel safe, and stick with that. Don't be distracted. Distractions are weapons of the enemy, used to weaken us so that when hardship hits, we don't have enough strength to withstand it with grace.

God has carried me through this pandemic, and it's not because I am favoured, but because my confidence comes through faith, which has been put to the test, and which keeps on passing through. God is a way maker, He will always find a way for us, if we take a moment to go to Him with our concerns.

Sinach "Way Maker"

The Father's Understanding Is Not My Own

"Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions;
I will put them into practice with all my heart.
Make me walk along the path of your commands,
for that is where my happiness is found." (Psalm 119.34-5)

I have felt as though God has been a strict parent saying "No" quite a bit lately. Resisting throwing temper tantrums, I have done the opposite of what my instincts demand, and have delved deeper into God's word, and spending more time with Him in meditation. While I feel that I am not moving forward, which is really an unrealistic request in a pandemic where my industry is still in lockdown, I can maintain equilibrium, and this is the result of hard work and trust that I will be rewarded for my discipline.

But there have still been some challenging moments. Occasions where I felt almost desperate to take hold of the reins and steer toward the destination where I want to go, even though I really don't know where that is, I just know it's somewhere else. But wanting what I want when I want it is not the mentality of a healthy person, and today I can understand that, and even more so, respect it. 

The reason why I push through episodes of self will, is because deep down I know that God is a wise Father who knows what is best for His children. Being told "No" is not a punishment, it's not an undermining, it's not to make my life miserable. It's because God knows me better than I know myself. God knows me better than anyone else. That is why I go to Him with all of my concerns and questions now: because I have placed my trust in Him and His will for me.

I don't want to live a life driven by my own power. My own power leads me to places of guilt, animosity, and conflict, and when I am tempted by greed and frustration to do what I think is best for me, I am not thinking ahead; I am only living in an impulsive moment where I take risks that alleviating short-term discomfort won't turn into long-term regret. 

When I follow instruction, when I let God discipline me, I have the peace that I have always yearned for. Jesus told his disciples that the peace he gives is not as the world gives (John 14.27). How can someone who lived such a hard life have peace for himself, let alone enough to provide for others? It's because this world has a complete misunderstanding of what happiness, fulfillment, and comfort really is. 

King David was one of the greatest people to ever live. He succeeded in battle, he was adored by his people and well respected, and he had more power and riches than the average person can fathom. But he still had his struggles and he still implored God to discipline him to live not in his own will, but in God's, and to follow His commandments. King David was blessed when God said "No", because it helped confirm a two-way relationship that was built on mutual love and respect.

In his psalm, David wrote, "I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments" (119:45).  Relief from my worries come when I abandon my own schemes, in order to follow God's instructions, which are in place to keep me safe. At first it might seem counterintuitive to rely on God's design, but in time it makes sense to collaborate with the One who wants the best for us, and to from there have validation that transcends a truly fickle world. 

Shadow Work

I have been talking a lot about "shadow work" during this pandemic, and I understand that can be an elusive topic, so today I would like to clarify what I mean by this. The psychologist Carl Jung taught that everyone has a part of themselves that they try to keep hidden from the world, and he called this the "shadow".

The shadow, which I identify as being a part of our personality that we try to cover up, isn't "bad" per say, it's just something that, for whatever reason, we have flagged in our subconscious as dangerous to our standing in society, and have therefore, oftentimes unintentionally, worked to conceal. As we spend years hiding what we believe could hurt us, we end up in a sort of self-sabotaging prophecy where we habitually stumble in a particular area, despite all will to conquer reoccurring challenges.

This is where the shadow work comes in, and this is where I personally believe that shadow work is facilitated by God, and not by human will, though our will to get better is the first step. From my experience, the shadow self is so integrated into the true self, as I will for now call it, that only an act of Providence can extract the true from the false. Something greater than ourselves has to break the cycle that we find ourselves in. The conscious self, the part of us that wants to heal and move forward in life and in relationships cannot break free from the limitations of subconscious self, which in its function is indeed only trying to help.

Once we have begun the initial journey into healing, and into confession, God will present unique opportunities to bring to light the factors that we buried in darkness that we were not, for whatever reason, able to bring to light on our own power. We might be able to make amends for glaring transgressions to ourselves and/or others, and we might use human will to correct and change our behaviours, but the heart will not be fully transformed, until God reveals the shadow self to us. The shadow self will always protect the underlying reason(s) for the actions that we take or don't take.

This is why for me, and I imagine for many others on the hero's journey, this pandemic has been a holding ground for shadow work. A unique moment in time where we have nowhere left to run and nothing left to distract us. This is where I finally look at decades of cover-up. For some, this pandemic might be a world-wide conspiracy, but for me, it's an exposure of my own deceptions, and to let God, the whistle-blower, reveal the truth about myself.

And this truth is that I created a shadow self as a survival mechanism that had strict parameters so that I could easily control it, and that has become so apparent as I run into these boundaries during quarantine. My shadow self was built to conceal what I could not control in my life, to give me the illusion of authority, but what after time became a blockade to what I truly wanted - acceptance through vulnerability.

Shadow work starts where we arrive at the barriers we put up. It is the destruction of facades, and the induction of authenticity. It is the start of a new life, with openness, love, and compassion. It is the forgiveness of self that we never thought possible, and the recognition that we are all one, all working toward reintegration with God, from where we once came. Shadow work is the release from everything that caused us to do what we did not want to do, so that we can finally begin to live in peace with ourselves and with others.

This is modern recovery, and modern religion. This is the first time in human history where we collectively work to heal mental illness, shame, and trauma, and the first time in our own personal history where we are forced to sit with ourselves and get honest about who and where we are. Shadow work is the permission to be everything we are, and the promise that we can be anything we want.

The Root and the Vine

After needing to step up my meditative practice, and having worked on refining my technique the past half year after being introduced to mindfulness and different types of healthy self-love, which while can facilitate complacency, is I believe an important step in the road of self-discovery and healing, I knew it was time to return to a more matter-of-fact routine. But I believe there is a fine line between the truth and attack, so my focus has been on discovering that line, which I believe I have, and am now ready to walk it.

What I have come to understand fully, is that I act out of fear, which comes from a place of lack. In trying to attain whatever it is I think is missing, which is just an erroneous concept that I have decided is real and therefore needs to be engaged, all sorts of harmful consequences can ensue. Many different forms of manipulation arise in a desperate attempt to alleviate this fear of lack, which I interpret today to ultimately be a fear of death.

Self-delusion which shows up in various forms of dishonesty, self-seeking which shows up in various forms of criticism, and self-pity which shows up in various forms of selfishness, are all the wilted vines of working through a fear-based belief system. The real problem comes when the person who suffers from these distractions does not recognize that no fruit will grow from a wilted vine, and thus being stuck in a cycle of exertion and defeat.

Something that I have learned, is that to look at a sufferer who is stuck in these destructive patterns from the external cues of the vines is a universal disservice. To interpret the vines as being the reason for the person's suffering is to miss the point entirely, because it is to overlook the root cause of the fear, which I believe is the result of trauma from unmet needs in the formative years of personhood. 

It is therefore no longer fitting for me to assess my own shortcomings in a manner which deserves retribution, but rather to address it from a place of gentleness. I believe the virtues of patience, and compassion are the tools that are needed to dig through the dirt to get to the root, and that love will be the strength to pull it out and expose it to the sun where it can finally dry out and no longer have the power to harm anyone again. 

And this is where I experience the challenge of how to identify the vines, which are inherently not a genuine representation of a being, but that nevertheless produce conflicting fruits which are very real. I believe that it is a skill and an art to be able to talk about pain in a constructive manner, because to bring it to light is to ultimately call up deep wounds that are disguised through these vines that are in truth unsustainable and which cause only more suffering.

There are belief systems for millennia that seek to address and make sense of the very factual fruits that grow unnaturally from an illusionary vine, but what I have not yet noticed is the root being examined. The root of trauma, of unmet needs and/or abuse. The root that gives way to all sorts of chaos which is the manifestation of an idea that has been simply misunderstood or overlooked. I believe that is because looking at the root is a new science, whereas historically we have only observed the outside, what we can see.

In looking at the root cause, what goes so much deeper than the destruction that manifests in our lives, the narrative quickly shifts from being a bad person, needing to cover up a crime, to being an unwell person, needing to be understood. Taking the attention off of the deficient fruit from a misnomer vine, and placing our intention instead into the cause, where the disease has originated from, we find relief much sooner than we could have hoped for.

Abstract Grape Vines by Millie Gift Smith

A Sacrificial Gospel

As we embark upon the eighth week of quarantine, I, without real intention, begin to loosen my spiritual practice. I believe that I have rigorously walked the narrow path the past two months, but now that we begin re-opening, however that is going to look in the months ahead, I find myself very much "in the world". I have allowed myself to feel the societal pressure of "Let me out", and "Are we there yet". I have even noticed once we arrived in May, people have been feeling a lot more confident of going out, and that in itself is contagious.

All of this change in my inner and outer world had reminded me to focus on what matters the most - my relationship with God. If I don't place my spiritual practice first and foremost, I will be readily swayed by the masses, and I will be easily confused in what I believe to be true. As I return, almost begrudgingly, to decry worldly standards, as I begin to reconcile the impatience I have found myself giving into, I realize that I can channel that energy into something that can help strengthen me, and in this case, my faith.

I have been using this special time in quarantine to assess what I have been placing my resources into, and one thing I have decided to stop using my time and energy on is the Word of Faith movement. I have been aware of the problems that conventional Christianity has experienced the past decade regarding this sort of charismatic evangelizing that ultimately has roots in New Thought, but other than a brief rampage last summer, it hasn't been anything that I believed to be conflicting with my values.

This notion however began to change after I noticed how uncomfortable I felt when watching a megachurch sermon on antenna television during the first week of quarantine. I felt almost a physical repulsion to what was being said. I finally had no desire for wealth and status, because I finally saw that when it truly, truly mattered, money and prestige wasn't going to restock the shelves in the stores. Riches and influence wasn't going to stop a few people in power to shut down the economy and destabilize an entire country. I knew I had to get right with God and with my place in my community, and that meant I had to admit I was powerless. And in such, I finally had to lay the Word of Faith movement to rest.

As I finally understood the self-will behind positive thinking, or "manifestation", I began to see not only a flimsy foundation for a meaningful life, but also that it made my discomfort MY fault. Now, this is not to say that I don't want to take responsibility. Part of my daily practice is to promise God that I will safe-guard my thoughts, and that I will not entertain anything that can stand in the way of my usefulness to Him, which usually is carried out through my interactions with others. Rather, the Word of Faith movement teaches us to safe-guard against thoughts that God has not in fact promised, and then adds insult to injury by making it our fault, our will, and not God's permissive will, when we struggle.

One thing I learned in this pandemic is that life is not as easy to control as I was meant to believe by so many various schools of thought, both religious and secular. This is not said to discourage a pursuit for a comfortable and purposeful life, but rather to consider the idea that life being made of struggle and pain doesn't have to be a bad thing, and that maybe giving our lives to God through sacrificial living isn't as unattractive as we have collectively decided it is.

"Name it and claim it" is a self-centered ideology that serves no one in times of crisis, and even when in good fortune, I believe that we must remain constantly vigilant over possible emergency. And while the Word of Faith movement will suggest that such crippling circumstances are an illusion that we can think our way out of, and that to admit defeat is to have a weak mind, our global circumstances has proved other. For me, it's a blessing to finally have the backbone I couldn't seem to strengthen by my own terms.

What would happen if we declared what is valuable to be through love of our communities, instead of love of our individual households. We often can't even imagine this, because we haven't laid the right support to build from. The Word of Faith movement comes directly from a place of lack, so the first step is to realize that giving to others, whether it's through not hording, through not alienating, or through not being resentful, will not endanger our safety or diminish our effectiveness in our communities. Caring for others, however we might demonstrate that, doesn't mean that we put our own ambitions aside. Once we start to see that no one is better than or less than, our definition of success becomes drastically more profound, and life becomes a lot less hostile.