The Father's Understanding Is Not My Own

"Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions;
I will put them into practice with all my heart.
Make me walk along the path of your commands,
for that is where my happiness is found." (Psalm 119.34-5)

I have felt as though God has been a strict parent saying "No" quite a bit lately. Resisting throwing temper tantrums, I have done the opposite of what my instincts demand, and have delved deeper into God's word, and spending more time with Him in meditation. While I feel that I am not moving forward, which is really an unrealistic request in a pandemic where my industry is still in lockdown, I can maintain equilibrium, and this is the result of hard work and trust that I will be rewarded for my discipline.

But there have still been some challenging moments. Occasions where I felt almost desperate to take hold of the reins and steer toward the destination where I want to go, even though I really don't know where that is, I just know it's somewhere else. But wanting what I want when I want it is not the mentality of a healthy person, and today I can understand that, and even more so, respect it. 

The reason why I push through episodes of self will, is because deep down I know that God is a wise Father who knows what is best for His children. Being told "No" is not a punishment, it's not an undermining, it's not to make my life miserable. It's because God knows me better than I know myself. God knows me better than anyone else. That is why I go to Him with all of my concerns and questions now: because I have placed my trust in Him and His will for me.

I don't want to live a life driven by my own power. My own power leads me to places of guilt, animosity, and conflict, and when I am tempted by greed and frustration to do what I think is best for me, I am not thinking ahead; I am only living in an impulsive moment where I take risks that alleviating short-term discomfort won't turn into long-term regret. 

When I follow instruction, when I let God discipline me, I have the peace that I have always yearned for. Jesus told his disciples that the peace he gives is not as the world gives (John 14.27). How can someone who lived such a hard life have peace for himself, let alone enough to provide for others? It's because this world has a complete misunderstanding of what happiness, fulfillment, and comfort really is. 

King David was one of the greatest people to ever live. He succeeded in battle, he was adored by his people and well respected, and he had more power and riches than the average person can fathom. But he still had his struggles and he still implored God to discipline him to live not in his own will, but in God's, and to follow His commandments. King David was blessed when God said "No", because it helped confirm a two-way relationship that was built on mutual love and respect.

In his psalm, David wrote, "I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments" (119:45).  Relief from my worries come when I abandon my own schemes, in order to follow God's instructions, which are in place to keep me safe. At first it might seem counterintuitive to rely on God's design, but in time it makes sense to collaborate with the One who wants the best for us, and to from there have validation that transcends a truly fickle world.