After needing to step up my meditative practice, and having worked on refining my technique the past half year after being introduced to mindfulness and different types of healthy self-love, which while can facilitate complacency, is I believe an important step in the road of self-discovery and healing, I knew it was time to return to a more matter-of-fact routine. But I believe there is a fine line between the truth and attack, so my focus has been on discovering that line, which I believe I have, and am now ready to walk it.
What I have come to understand fully, is that I act out of fear, which comes from a place of lack. In trying to attain whatever it is I think is missing, which is just an erroneous concept that I have decided is real and therefore needs to be engaged, all sorts of harmful consequences can ensue. Many different forms of manipulation arise in a desperate attempt to alleviate this fear of lack, which I interpret today to ultimately be a fear of death.
Self-delusion which shows up in various forms of dishonesty, self-seeking which shows up in various forms of criticism, and self-pity which shows up in various forms of selfishness, are all the wilted vines of working through a fear-based belief system. The real problem comes when the person who suffers from these distractions does not recognize that no fruit will grow from a wilted vine, and thus being stuck in a cycle of exertion and defeat.
Something that I have learned, is that to look at a sufferer who is stuck in these destructive patterns from the external cues of the vines is a universal disservice. To interpret the vines as being the reason for the person's suffering is to miss the point entirely, because it is to overlook the root cause of the fear, which I believe is the result of trauma from unmet needs in the formative years of personhood.
It is therefore no longer fitting for me to assess my own shortcomings in a manner which deserves retribution, but rather to address it from a place of gentleness. I believe the virtues of patience, and compassion are the tools that are needed to dig through the dirt to get to the root, and that love will be the strength to pull it out and expose it to the sun where it can finally dry out and no longer have the power to harm anyone again.
And this is where I experience the challenge of how to identify the vines, which are inherently not a genuine representation of a being, but that nevertheless produce conflicting fruits which are very real. I believe that it is a skill and an art to be able to talk about pain in a constructive manner, because to bring it to light is to ultimately call up deep wounds that are disguised through these vines that are in truth unsustainable and which cause only more suffering.
There are belief systems for millennia that seek to address and make sense of the very factual fruits that grow unnaturally from an illusionary vine, but what I have not yet noticed is the root being examined. The root of trauma, of unmet needs and/or abuse. The root that gives way to all sorts of chaos which is the manifestation of an idea that has been simply misunderstood or overlooked. I believe that is because looking at the root is a new science, whereas historically we have only observed the outside, what we can see.
In looking at the root cause, what goes so much deeper than the destruction that manifests in our lives, the narrative quickly shifts from being a bad person, needing to cover up a crime, to being an unwell person, needing to be understood. Taking the attention off of the deficient fruit from a misnomer vine, and placing our intention instead into the cause, where the disease has originated from, we find relief much sooner than we could have hoped for.
In looking at the root cause, what goes so much deeper than the destruction that manifests in our lives, the narrative quickly shifts from being a bad person, needing to cover up a crime, to being an unwell person, needing to be understood. Taking the attention off of the deficient fruit from a misnomer vine, and placing our intention instead into the cause, where the disease has originated from, we find relief much sooner than we could have hoped for.
Abstract Grape Vines by Millie Gift Smith |
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