I am a child of God

I am a child of God.
He gave me my energy
that I am free to use for expression,
even on limited resources.

I have my sense of style.
I have my habits.
And the way that I go about
in the world.
The way I interact with others.
The way I am confident with sunglasses on,
but keep my head down when they're not.

The way I love boys,
and hate girls.
The way I feel inside.
My otherness,
and the sameness 
which I deny.
My ambition,
and my stamina.
My resolve
and my resign.

All the things I was,
and all the things I hope to be.
But not the way I am.
There is only One I Am
As for myself,
I am changing too much
to be anything other than
a child of God.

My rock

Be my rock.
Even God's first man
needed Eve.
Who am I
to be stronger than that?

Be my rock.
Not my god,
just a root
of stability.
For there is no balance
without two sides.

The selfishness of this world
has taken my friends
But it helps me to see
how sturdy you are.

So just be my rock.
Not my strings,
not my thorn,
but my sail.
And I will soar
with you.

My true love

I'd like to think
That Jesus gave
You to me
So when you bade
Me a sweet night
And I close my eyes
You will be waiting
On the other side
Of consciousness
Where my fears reside
And where you come for me
That I may let them die
And then when I go out
Into the world
They look at me
And then see you. 

Agape love

Today's Hazelden's Twenty-four Hours a Day was so good for me to read. (There is no cache that will take the page to the actual day, so it only directs to its homepage). I have been pretty stressed out about some people, and this is a brilliant reminder of putting first things first:

Thought for the Day

I have lost many of my resentments. I have found that getting even with people doesn't do any good. When we try to get revenge, instead of making us feel better, it leaves us frustrated and cheated. Instead of punishing our enemies, we've only hurt our own peace of mind. It does not pay to nurse a grudge; it hurts us more than anyone else. Hate causes frustration, inner conflict, and neurosis. If we give out hate, we will become hateful. If we are resentful, we will be resented. If we do not like people, people will not like us. Revengefulness is a powerful poison in our systems. Have I lost my resentments?

Meditation for the Day

It is not so much you, as the grace of God that is in you, that helps those around you. If you would help even those you dislike, you have to see that there is nothing in you to block the way, to keep God's grace from using you. Your own pride and selfishness are the greatest blocks. Keep those out of the way and God's grace will flow through you into the lives of others. Then all who come in contact with you can be helped in some way. Keep the channel open, free from those things that make your life futile and ineffective.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that all who come in contact with me will feel better for it. I pray that I may be careful not to harbor those things in my heart that put people off.

Election of God

There is a lot of pressure in the Fellowship to have a "perfect" program, both as a member in recovery, and also as a sponsor. But, I have always maintained that it is a personal program, in that as a sponsor, there is little that I can do, which is why I have taken the friendship, or the fellowship directive. It worked for me, and it has worked for my sponsee. Today I understand that I became an alcoholic when I fully isolated myself from my (female) friends, and I think the reason why it didn't work for my former sponsee, is because she chose her defects over friendships. 

I cannot know if a person has a genuine grasp of the Steps. I cannot enter my sponsee's mind and soul and know if she even has a real Step One covered. I am only actually involved in Step 5 - that is it, and even then, I don't know if their list is exhausted. The past two days of Utmost have spoken of this very private journey. I can offer advice, I can pass on what I did, but the action needed is up to the sponsee, that's it. 

"The breaking and collapse of my independence (is) brought about by my own hands, and (so is) the surrendering of my life to the supremacy of the Lord Jesus. No one can do this for me, I must do it myself."

and yesterday's:

"Our Lord never insists on obedience. He stresses very definitely what we ought to do, but He never forces us to do it. We have to obey Him out of a oneness of spirit with Him. That is why whenever our Lord talked about discipleship, He prefaced it with an 'If,' meaning, 'You do not need to do this unless you desire to do so.' 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself…' (Luke 9:23)...The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself. Jesus Christ will not force me to obey Him, but I must. And as soon as I obey Him, I fulfill my spiritual destiny."

I cannot help but feel judged. I feel judged because I have never been taken through the Big Book the way that the "God" people have (therefore implying that I have not actually worked through the Steps, and subsequently that I have not taken my sponsee through them), and I feel judged more so because my previous sponsee not only relapsed, but she went to work with someone else afterward. It is of little consolation that that working relationship soon failed, as well. I have a fierce resentment to the woman who took her on, though I try to be compassionate instead.

Despite this hardship, I recall what Christ my Lord said: "Do not be discouraged if they hate you, for remember, they hated me first." My last sponsee was pure evil through and through, and a real psychopath, as the Big Book says - always going on the wagon "for keeps". She was, and still is, a person who loves darkness, because not only are her defects so massive, there is not even the willingness to be rid of them. But I can't help but wonder, is she doomed to perish, or is she just lost, and needs to be returned? 

"It is essential that you give people the opportunity to act on the truth of God. The responsibility must be left with the individual— you cannot act for him. It must be his own deliberate act, but the evangelical message should always lead him to action. Refusing to act leaves a person paralyzed, exactly where he was previously. But once he acts, he is never the same." Utmost