Spiritual aridity

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.  Hebrews 12.7-13

A most unnatural act

As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was thinking about interpreting the slogans from the podium at an open meeting, as I often do. While I didn't have a particular slogan in mind, I was thinking about how alcoholism, as I understand it from the Twelve and Twelve, is "A most unnatural act".

My cat was doing his thing at night, instead of cuddling with me, and I was thinking how he is doing exactly what he was designed to do, because he is nocturnal: for the most part he sleeps during the day, and roams around at night. In God's universe, there is order, and organisms do what they were designed to do, without hesitation.

But with the alcoholic, we act the opposite of nature, and we slowly kill ourselves with our drinking. Not only do we painfully poison our bodies, but we destroy the elements necessary for life: work, relationships, material comfort, hobbies, passions, and just general connection to this world and its surroundings. 

Now that I am in A.A. and have recovered through the fellowship, sponsorship, and practicing the principles of the program, mostly through the step work, I act in accordance with God's will - I eat healthy, I work steady hours, I keep my house clean, I provide for my dependents (my cat and to a lesser extent my sponsee), I am immersed in my passions, which are ballet and writing, I even have a boyfriend (even though this month has been really tough for me [us]).

Today I act naturally, and sometimes, even supernaturally - with a real love for God that I demonstrate through my utmost seeking for His peace, which I receive through loving my self, my neighbour, and most importantly, my enemy. And I do receive His peace. Today I speak to my friends, old and new, I pick up the phone when it rings, I don't have scary letters coming in the mail, I wake up and I make my bed and I call on God for strength. I do my best to be hopeful of the future, and to have faith that no matter what, I will be okay and will be provided for as I live but a traveller in this world.

This to me is what living is truly about. Today, I am no longer living to die, but rather living for everlasting life. Amen.

Do not worry about your life

We are never free from the recurring waves of (material) invasion. If the frontline of attack is not about clothes and food, it may be about money or the lack of money; or friends or lack of friends; or the line may be drawn over difficult circumstances. It is one steady invasion, and these things will come in like a flood, unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the banner against it.

'I say to you, do not worry about your life….' Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing— our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, 'That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.' Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life.

Look Again and Think

Be prepared always

In this life you are like a traveller...Few things are certain in this earthly life. The most certain fact of all is that I am to die...Many people are dying at this very moment. I am too busy with my own life to give much thought to them. So will it be when I am dying. That moment will be very important to me, but the world will go right on about its business. If I do not prepare for death by a good life, I am a fool. 

Lord, let me not fear death with an empty fear, but with a wise and holy fear. An empty fear does not make men any better, but a wise and holy fear urges them to improve their lives.

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. - Romans 14.8

Source

"Why"

How many times do I have to try to tell you

That I'm sorry for the things I've done

But when I start to try to tell you

That's when you have to tell me

Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun

I tell myself too many times

Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut

That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words

That keep on falling from your mouth

Falling from your mouth

Falling from your mouth

Tell me...

Why

Why

I may be mad

I may be blind

I may be viciously unkind

But I can still read what you're thinking

And I've heard is said too many times

That you'd be better off

Besides...

Why can't you see this boat is sinking

(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)

Let's go down to the water's edge

And we can cast away those doubts

Some things are better left unsaid

But they still turn me inside out

Turning inside out turning inside out

Tell me...

Why

Tell me...

Why

This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I'll never tread

These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread

These are the tears...

The tears we shed

This is the fear

This is the dread

These are the contents of my head

And these are the years that we have spent

And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel

Do you know how I feel ?

'cause i don't think you know how I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

You don't know what I feel

Fearless

God is love...There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment...We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.

1 John 4.16; 18-20

Do not love the world

They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.

1 John 2.19

The one whom Jesus loved

D is for discipline, not darkness

"When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."

Vision and Darkness

Discern the truth

"Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness."

James 3. 16-8

Call to service

"Service is an expression of my nature, and God’s call is an expression of His nature. Therefore, when I receive His nature and hear His call, His divine voice resounds throughout His nature and mine and the two become one in service. The Son of God reveals Himself in me, and out of devotion to Him service becomes my everyday way of life."

The call of the natural life

The armor of God

This is possibly my favourite Bible verse. (Other than 1 Corinthians 13.7-8).

I am reading the entire New Testament, and have been resisting reading Ephesians - to the point that by the second chapter, I had skipped over to Philippians. I used to read Ephesians chapter 6 as all of the "Soldiers against the Illuminati" do, but that just isn't me anymore. I want to be like the monk, not the warrior.

Nevertheless, after a bout of depression that caused 3 days of not eating, I feel better for the first time today. (For anyone who might be concerned, while I do at times suffer from a stigmatized mental illness, going into depression like that is not at all common, in fact, it has never happened to that extreme in my life. After a wonderful first week of 2017 shit really hit the fan, and I just couldn't handle it. This is by no means a part of my life, or how my disease might manifest). I was strong enough to "return" to these letters. And of course, came to the quote below. I must say too, that the New International Version is my favourite wording of it.

"Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

What can I say, I'll always be a fighter, even though I don't want to be. I think it's time to look to Beatrix as my hero, because she's so badass, and she has a baby, that's what I want most of all. And oh yeah, to not die in mortal sin with my divorced boyfriend...