The Longest Journey

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what my natural talents are, and considering if I could make a living with those talents. As I wrote about in Cleaning out my Closet, I came across my high school report card. I found it interesting to see where I was naturally good at certain subjects, and I realized that I unintentionally stayed with those disciplines up to this present day.

As I consider upgrading my professional skills, I am aware of the academic challenges within the pursuit of certain subjects that I would struggle with, whether for technical or egotistical reasons. I consider myself fortunate to have landed in my current career, even though I am still working toward more allocates, but I realized that there is a part of me, or a part that’s been removed from me perhaps more accurately said, that makes me believe I can’t be successful in the areas that I am naturally gifted in.

My past actions, propelled by mental illness, have led to a “God-sized hole” inside of me that tells me I am bad. This is a very serious belief system, I would say on par with fundamentalism, because it is so close-minded and therefore damaging. This negative dialogue is buried so deep within me, that I am not even conscious of it. It is only through certain action steps, including prayer and meditation, that I became aware of this startling fact of my reality.

This deficit in my character, this gap that I operated from for decades without even knowing it, is so elusive that even when I was first taught about the concept of trying to fill myself up to feel better, I didn’t understand it. By grace through faith, plus works, I not only understand it today, I have a connection to it where I can access it and call it out when it rears its ugly head. But it’s never really gone, and this is why every day is new and different.

Accepting myself and my circumstances has always been my greatest challenge. As I find myself again at a crossroad, I now can make more informed decisions, that today factor in my mental health, and my higher power as well. It can be frightening to follow our hearts. Wise people who have come before me say that the longest journey is from the head to the heart. I have certainly found this to be true.

Subsiding my fears, my resentments, my pride, and my self-seeking motives has been a heroic effort that continues to bear fruit. It is worth questioning my motives, and it is courageous to reach out for help to a trusted source when I need a sounding board. I’m at a place today where I can make mature decisions that are rooted in reality and realism. I don’t exclude my talents and passions, but I also can work within my means today, as well.

Being the Best Version of Myself

I've been meditating daily, pretty much since April 2020, when we were in the first lockdown. I appreciated the time and space I had to go deeper into my spiritual practice; it was a life-changing practice. It transformed me, and prepared me for life events that I might not have managed so well otherwise.

Almost a year later, when I was back in school, I learned mindfulness meditation. I took to that like a sponge in water. I picked it up really fast, because I was practicing my own hodgepodge methods the year leading up to that more organized approach, so there was something for its concepts to stick to. 

But what I noticed in my class, as the instructor guided us to our breath, was that my breathing was very shallow. That didn't really bother me, as one of the tenants of mindfulness meditation is non-striving. Therefore I was able to fully embrace my meditation, and just be with my shallow breath, knowing I was on the right track. 

I've never use any apps, but earlier this month when I was searching for a loving kindness meditation, I discovered Meditation Space on Spotify. I always liked their Head Space ads, but didn't want to purchase the app. I was thrilled to discover this free service of daily 10 minute meditations, and I have put my personal 15-20 minute meditations aside to enjoy these ones with a beginner's mind (another tenant of mindfulness).

The other day, when we were guided to our breath, I noticed how long and deep my breathing was again. I realized that I was in incredible stress the months leading up to my father's death, to the point it cut my breath off. I knew I was in a negative space, and I took the actions I could at the time for self-care, but now I understand more clearly how mental stress can affect us physically. 

I love mindfulness. While it doesn't offer an escape from my problems, when practicing it, it takes away all of my fears and worries. That gives me the space and therefore the capacity to come up with solutions to my problems. It is a incredible tool. 

When someone appears to be unconscious, we check for their breath. Today I understand this to be more than a worldly life-force which signifies we are alive on earth. In the Hebrew bible, breath translates as the spirit of God. When I am connected to my breath, I am connected to God, because I am living in the moment, which is what Jesus instructed us to do. I am conscious of my ability to be soothed and to heal. 

Without meditation in my life, I am not sure I would be able to accept myself as I am, or my circumstances as they are. I am grateful that the people around me led me to this practice, so that with the power granted to me through it, I can continue to show up as the best version of myself. 

"Enchanted Garden", Rassouli Art Studio

Just Be

I've felt compelled to write. I have been so overwhelmed by current events around the pandemic, that I have felt my calling as an artist to come forth. I really thought I was done with this blog. I have been focusing more on my new website, blackwell.health, but as I have discovered through my vain attempts to have a brand on Instagram, I don't want to be a coach. At least I don't want to fish for clients online. My time being brilliant on social media was an incredibly unsatisfying and anticlimactic experience, and I just want to get back to musing on God and on where I relate to this conception of a Higher Power.

I am also coming out the other side of desperately grieving my father's untimely death. That knocked the wind out of me. That took all of my passion, zest, and curiosity. I was in survival mode for several months straight, but a big part of that was living outside of my means, trying to stay in the house we shared, which I couldn't afford. Now that I have been blessed to make new arrangements, which freedom through recovery and lessons in humility have granted me, I have space again. I can create again.

Things are very different now. My heart is still broken, but I can experience God moving those parts around, reformatting them to make a new heart. That's exciting to me, because I think it's an improved, more courageous, more caring, more giving one. I wish it wasn't ripped out through such a traumatic experience, I miss my dad all the time, but I am grateful for this second chance at life. A life that's connection, that's compassionate, that truly, maybe for the first time, can freely love, and accept love too. Love that is possible only through being an imperfect human being.

Because I can no longer pretend things are okay when they're not, I can't pretend to be a guru when I can't manage my own life, like when I'm talking about being cured from my alcoholism, but have unmanageable debt that I'm ashamed of. Nor can I hope to be a confident coach online when I have finally understood that I have social anxiety, which for some reason my best friend knew all along, but which is news to me. But irregardless of my mental hangups, I just don't enjoy being someone with all the answers. I have unfollowed almost all the "coaches" I was following, and I instead follow my heart. What makes it feel lighter and brighter? That's where you'll find me. It's in the middle now, where the people are.

Today I want to have friends, not admirers; co-learners, not students; a humble life, not a fake one that I can't physically, mentally, or spiritually support. The Dalai Lama said that happiness is the highest form of health. I am not sure I feel as much truth or relief resonate through me as when I reflect on that quote. I have been on a quest to get healthy for the past 15 years, and the missing component was honesty. 

I now understand why I wasn't honest. The level of falsity was so deep, I didn't even recognize it until a little more than a year ago, after nearly 7 years of sobriety. It's a survival mechanism that my twisted, anxious, fearful mind told me I needed so that I won't be attacked. But the only person doing the assaulting was me and my own behaviour.

It's a long trudge, getting to the bottom of my patterns, but there is always alleviation upon discovery, and with that, empowerment. It's good to be back. It's good to write. It's good to feel the fire once again, though it's a small flame, and seems at times that it can easily go out. That's okay, because now I know if it does go out again, it will spark once more. Because life is about ebbs and flows, ecstasy and mundanity, reflection and action, work and rest. I know how to ride the waves today, I know how to work hard, and how to practice self-care, in turn. I know how to just be. That, for me today, is the pinnacle of my recovery.