Live and let live

I was told today that growth doesn't have to come through (just) pain - that it can also come through joy, and when I take time to reflect on what my joys are, they multiply. This reminds me of writing gratitude lists. I have had much success with gratitude lists, in that they really do rewire the brain. So when disappointment strikes, I can default to the silver lining, or if it's really bad, recall something that I have been blessed with, no matter how minuscule it might seem.

So what are my joys? A clean house, a nice dinner at the table, tea, a good show on Netflix, watching my cat do whatever it is cats do (usually sleep), stretching (though when I'm in my lazy phases I tend to neglect them), loyalty to my fellowship and church, the odd coffee date with a friend...

I believe when I take for granted the things in my life which bring me stability, I lose that consistency and get really scrambled and confused in my mind. I read a quote today by the Dalai Lama who said we add pain and suffering by over-reacting to minor things and taking things too personally. This is exactly what I did about two weeks ago, and really it was me playing God. I was upset at so many people and I judged them. I took it upon myself to define a standard of right living that I had no business drawing lines of. And guess what? I was the one drinking the poison, I was the one losing my mind, while they weren't even losing sleep.

But today I am reminded to focus on what I need to do, and to recognize that it's the joys in my life  that maintain steadfastness, every morning, afternoon, and evening. It's best to trust the way situations unfold, because when I try to run the show, which I really did the other week, I forfeit my stability. And for what? To be a superhero? Superheros aren't neurotic, they are reliable and trustworthy. Having discipline has nothing to do with what others are doing, it's all on me to get done what I need to get done in order to carry out God's will, which is as I understand it, be as physically and spiritually healthy as I can be. Today I know how to be the vessel of love and service that God requires of me, and I need to let others live their lives, without fear and apprehension of how that will affect me and without judgement of myself, or of others.

I had an incomplete idea of what true health, true worship, and true healing looked like, and it wasn't the vision that was corrupted, it was forcing it onto other people. I know what I need to do and I know that I need humility which means to not be higher than anyone else. What a terrible burden to bear needing to be right, needing to be liked, and needing to be first. It is a long and arduous road when I play God. Moving forward I plan to focus on my joys and talents, because when I'm not appreciating what has been gifted to me, I'm in danger of walking the fine line of the edge of the bluff, about to lose balance.

A beacon

Clear away the wreckage of the past

I have purged. I have released from all that has kept me back. I deactivated my Facebook account, I unfollowed certain people on Instagram, I departed from a relationship, or what I thought was a relationship, and I have chosen a different path for my program of recovery. These changes made me extremely vulnerable to self-damage over the past two or three days when I was in a state of limbo with no real accountability or support, but the Lord spoke to me in my dream last night, and all is right. I have been blessed to move forward.

I have made significant mistakes over the past five years, but God is telling me today that just because things have not worked out the way that I wanted them to, and despite my many shortcomings, there are still ways to receive His peace. Part of the mistakes that I have made has been trusting the wrong people - fake people, vindictive people, people who judge though hiding behind the guise of tolerance and acceptance to all. People who turned their backs to me, who lifted me up and then brought me back down, who picked fights and then got mean when I defended myself. But perhaps this all had to come to pass, for I was in a dangerous place of complacency, to the point where I was susceptible to self harm without even knowing it, to the point where I felt so self-assured that I had to pray to God for the strength to stop being so damn self-absorbed. These people actually inspired me to take the measures that I needed in order to not be like them.

And through the hardship and frustrations, happy chance¹ took favour on me, and I found a refresh button. It was risky, and it nearly brought me to my knees. But I knew the stakes, and by training for years as well as with the grace of God, I managed to apply the tools I learnt how to use to get the job done - which was to safely make a transition. I have crossed the threshold and I have never felt more focussed. Abracadabra, I have re-appeared, all fresh and new. The damage of the past is in the past, and all that lay before me is for God's good pleasure², and in so, I am freed.  

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you
who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time." - 1 Peter 1.3-5

The Daffodil, which symbolizes new beginnings

---

1 St. John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul
2 Philippians 2.13

In new time

I know I haven't been writing much lately. This is typical behaviour: I am heavily active in something and then misstep. I respond to stress by flight, or I fight and get knocked down. One way or another, I suppose that happened with my blog here. This is not dire, though. The definition of sin is to "miss the mark", and no one is without blemish. 

While my studies are being maintained - my Bible reading, some oracle card readings, and activity in my online communities, I have not been inspired enough to believe I have a message to share. This is a defeatist attitude, and I know it. Still it is hard to talk myself into relief, or to ask God for support, when I am in the valley. I am still very tired, but perhaps I am feeling a grace to continue on now.

I am being told that my trial is over, and that it is time to be ready to ascend to higher grounds, back up the mountain. The Earth is calling me to remember Her and to keep my eye on the bigger picture - agape love for Nature and for others. I am back to the beginning, starting afresh. New home, new friends, new decade, new trust, new coping skills, and new outlook on life and what is truly important. 

I was thinking yesterday how often I drop the ball, but today I know I can pick it back up. The worst thing I can do is regret or sit in self - that is where all sorts of trouble begins, and I am at a point where I can't be bothered for drama anymore. A part of it is exhaustion but the other part has been a shift in perspective, and realizing what actually matters. So I can now limit the amount of influence I let others have over me. 

My values and outlook are much more connected and grounded, and this is liberating. And when I am freed from the shackles of self and others, my days move pretty smoothly and I'm a lot more pleasant to be around. And this is the greatest gift for me - to be someone who is wanted during stress; someone who brings comfort just by being present. 

That is a key word - present. Being in tune with the reality of situations makes this world ten-fold less dangerous and intimidating, and it makes me a much better person without such the tainted past that I tend to like to remember. 

Reading for the week of May 13, 2018

Welcome to my first weekly card reading. This is the week that I feel confident to get started with a weekly spread - it's a new moon tomorrow, and that means the time for creativity and possibly. So let's get started!

Tonight and tomorrow is the time for us to really get meditative and consider what our immediate goals for the rest of the month will be. While we are mid-month, the second half of lunar cycle is just beginning, though soon the monthly cycle will come to it's completion in two weeks time, with the full moon. 

At the beginning of the week (technically starting yesterday), we are leading up to, and then moving through, the new moon (which will be tomorrow). 

The weather has been absolutely beautiful, and now is the time to go out and enjoy the sunlight. Even if we don't have a forest or lake to go to, simply sitting in the sun for 10 minutes will do wonders for our mental health. Use the rays to burn up those negative feelings of incompletion, and feel confident knowing that whatever issues are concerning you, they will resolve themselves peacefully, and even better that you could expect. 

We might not realize it, but we are being guided through any sort of difficulties that we might be having. When spending those ten minutes in the sunlight, or even in the moonlight, ask God to allow His messages of healing and hope to descend upon you, and to give any answers that you might be seeking. This will help clear up any confusions, so that you might be able to set your new moon intentions with more clarity.

Upon sitting and receiving guidance, some physical activity might be helpful and intuitive. Try walking or stretching, singing, swaying, or soft dancing.

After the new moon tomorrow night we will be in midweek, and that will be a good opportunity to hone in on what your intuition is telling you. I'd like to remind you that intuition are not feelings - intuition is direct guidance from God, whereas feelings are generally fear-based because they are a tool used to control the mind in situations, even happy ones. The Old and New Testaments tell us that feelings are untrustworthy - even deceitful. Remember the work that you did at the beginning of the week to be released from negative feelings that have been weighing you down! The solution is not to replace those negative feelings with positive feelings, but rather to lighten your load and trust that God will carry you through your troubles. 

It is the attachment to earthly pleasures that the mind is ultimately seeking, and the definition of fear is worrying about what we will lose, or worrying about what we won't get. This is why we must use this time in preparation of the new moon to not give in to any thoughts that do not draw us closer to God. The law in Buddhism is that life is suffering, but that is only because we become attached. Be mindful that even seemingly positive feelings are inevitably bonding us to things that are impermanent and fleeting. Feelings are an illusion. Use this time to let bad feelings go, and to be reflective of whether your good feelings are really coming from God. 

In closing at the end of the week, thank God for what you accomplished, you did good work! It takes strength to call on God and to resist the devil's attacks of negative thinking. Archangel Michael is the strongest and most loyal of God's angels, and he is entrusted to be the first and commander in all spiritual battles - these are the battles that the angels wage for our freedom. Remember those feelings of uselessness, self-pity, and envy? They are actively being defeated on your behalf every time you feel them. 

Remember that you are encouraged to release from fear and apprehension - this is a very good week coming up. Keep calm, and meditate on. Reserve your energy and build strength for any curve balls that the Universe might throw you at the end of the week. An army of God has your back, and everything is being taken care of on a higher level: your concerns have already been sorted out. Blessings to you!

Diana Cooper "Dragon Oracle Cards"

Kyle Gray "Keepers of the Light Oracle Cards"

Kyle Gray "Angel Prayers Oracle Cards"

Solomon's Grace

The Lily is the Key
To Solomon's Seal
God told me the Tree
Under which it's concealed.

Gravity points down
Showing the way
Inward to clean
and remove the decay

Solomon's Seal
Is Lily's Brother
And nobody knew
Until one gave the number

The rows and the lines
and the purity of white
made for the lineage
of those not in sight.

Confidence in growth

There are so many little milestones in my life to today, more recently in the past half year, that have been blessed to me in sobriety. Things that a regular person can do without blinking, would be so overwhelming to me. In psychology there is a theory of how a person handles stressful situations, called "fight or flight", and more recently a third reaction has been added on - "freeze" (though my Organizational Behaviour professor rejected this). 

For me, the majority of my life has been "freeze". I was unable to even make a cup of tea, and I will never forget my aunt looking at me in bewilderment, saying all it is is boiling water. But no, that's not all it was to me. HOW many tea bags? HOW long does it steep for, WHAT type of tea pot do I use?

This is just a minor example of my inability to live a day without complete confusion and anxiety. But I have in recovery seen that God really does for me what I cannot do for myself. I have not had a regular life, and circumstances haven't been in my favour in just about every way, but I have always persevered through the help of someone or other who would have compassion and take me under their wing without this prideful lost soul even needing to ask (which I never would).

And I grew strong enough to do things which I never thought I could do on my own. I booked a flight, I found a house to rent and moved nearly my entire house on my own (though my dad helped enormously by making sure I had all of the packing materials I needed), and I just now booked my own tickets to the ballet. 

These might seem like nothing actions to many, but to me, they are huge, and are a wonderful testimony of my recovery in sobriety. I used to think that I couldn't do anything without a boyfriend, and that led me down very dark pathways either to complete isolation in a chronic state of freeze, or with the absolute wrong person who would disrespect me and where I would then perpetrate the vicious cycle of having no confidence.

But today I can not only manage in this life, I can actually travel through it with relative grace. I go to parties, I have coffee with friends, I introduce myself to strangers, I go for walks in nature, I love going out for dinner whereas before I was ashamed that I even needed to eat. I have acceptance of where I came from, and am so much stronger in not worrying about what might happen, or what might not happen in the future. And for the first time, the present is the present - today I'm okay.

Though yes, I still make a lousy pot of tea  :)

Ready to receive

Things are coming together. Slowly but surely, self-acceptance is very strong right now, and that is empowering. It was a tough winter for me given my troubles, but really, it was a tough and very long winter for everyone. The weather got nice on Monday, and people are doing much better. I would be so happy if we weren't so emotionally governed by the weather, but maybe that's how it's intended to be, as we live in an ecosystem where "no man is an island"¹

In my struggles I lost motivation, inspiration, and spirituality, but deep down I knew God had my back and I felt His divine providence from beginning to end. I have actually never been more connected to God and to others as I have been this winter, and I know that's a priceless gift, even though it felt at the time, and still feels, that it cost me more than I could afford.

But that is the fear, that is the suspicion that I am going to recover and God is going to say, "You ain't seen nothing yet." That's not a nice place to be in, and it is the antithesis of God. 

I know that whenever I am spiritually dry, what is really happening is deep down I am being prepared for growth. I am like a seed, germinating, getting ready to spring up. I might feel suffocated by the dirt surrounding me, but it is really the nutrients that I need to have the strength to break from my hard shell, and become a soft stalk.

Today I am being asked to receive, and I am in fact receiving. I am ready to see that God has been offering more than I would have been in a position to have accepted given His laws and reason. I am promised rejuvenation, and when it rains, it pours. I am taking on what makes me feel uncomfortable, and saying "yes" to the challenges that are being placed before me, because in that way I am severing isolation.

I am also being asked to forgive what has caused me so much stress. In rejuvenation, I can see more clearly; I am not overcome by grief and self-absorption. Being 'apart from', and not 'a part of' is my Achilles' Heel² - it is my default, and I have worked hard to correct this. While there are mornings when I still wake up feeling fearful, I now pray and connect with God in confidence. "And that has made all the difference."³

---

1 John Donne, "No Man is an Island"

2 Greek mythology of Achilles, who bathed in a pool that gave him super strength, but did not immerse his heel, which resulted in his defeat.
3 Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"