I have purged. I have released from all that has kept me back. I deactivated my Facebook account, I unfollowed certain people on Instagram, I departed from a relationship, or what I thought was a relationship, and I have chosen a different path for my program of recovery. These changes made me extremely vulnerable to self-damage over the past two or three days when I was in a state of limbo with no real accountability or support, but the Lord spoke to me in my dream last night, and all is right. I have been blessed to move forward.
I have made significant mistakes over the past five years, but God is telling me today that just because things have not worked out the way that I wanted them to, and despite my many shortcomings, there are still ways to receive His peace. Part of the mistakes that I have made has been trusting the wrong people - fake people, vindictive people, people who judge though hiding behind the guise of tolerance and acceptance to all. People who turned their backs to me, who lifted me up and then brought me back down, who picked fights and then got mean when I defended myself. But perhaps this all had to come to pass, for I was in a dangerous place of complacency, to the point where I was susceptible to self harm without even knowing it, to the point where I felt so self-assured that I had to pray to God for the strength to stop being so damn self-absorbed. These people actually inspired me to take the measures that I needed in order to not be like them.
And through the hardship and frustrations, happy chance1 took favour on me, and I found a refresh button. It was risky, and it nearly brought me to my knees. But I knew the stakes, and by training for years as well as with the grace of God, I managed to apply the tools I learnt how to use to get the job done - which was to safely make a transition. I have crossed the threshold and I have never felt more focussed. Abracadabra, I have re-appeared, all fresh and new. The damage of the past is in the past, and all that lay before me is for God's good pleasure2, and in so, I am freed.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you
who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time." - 1 Peter 1.3-5
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| The Daffodil, which symbolizes new beginnings |
1 St. John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul
2 Philippians 2.13
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