The ONLY One who counts

"Let all that I am praise the Lord." - Psalm 146.1

The above verse doesn't say, "Let me pray and fast and confess and heal and sacrifice and be of service, and THEN love God." No, it says, "Here I am, in all of my flaws and mistakes and brokenness and regret, and yet through it all, I will give it ALL to God. I am good enough to stand before God." 

"Do not put confidence in powerful people: there is no help for you there" - verse 3

How easy it is for us, in all of our feelings of inferiority and failure and unworthiness, to judge our insides by other people's outsides? How easy it is for us to carry guilt and rejection around us like a noose, only to with grave error think that a great orator or someone who is "put together" or who is popular, or who has a designation can actually "fix" us, or even inspire us? Sorry, but that would be a resounding NO!

Healing comes from God, not from your spiritual adviser, not from your friend, not from your therapist, not from all of your self-will run in the guise of altruistic"good" works. Healing comes from trusting that God WILL see you through to the bitter end, and when we really go deep enough into our hearts to where we actually reach the decay and see that the only option left IS to be lifted from that alien rot, THAT is when our actions will in fact become divinely guided without the selfish expectation of "getting" something in return.

THAT is when we will find that bitter end is really just a bitter moment that was not even real to begin with, let alone given the disproportionate power which rendered us hopeless and in despair. Death by perverse perception. Let God show you the truth. He will, if you let Him. 

From decision to action

I have been practicing hatha yoga, going onto my third week now. I am loving it, the healing within and without has catapulted. Two weeks ago we did a short meditation on our chakras, and while I already knew I had a block in my throat chakra, I didn't realize my abdominal chakra was also blocked. I have always had trouble accessing in between the vertebra in the small of my back, but during the mediation, I became aware that I couldn't breath into it, either. 

I use a chakra card deck to in a playful way learn about these energy centres, and I saw that the solar plexus (abdominal) is where we remain before making a decision. And while this isn't meant to be a negative place to remain for a time, I have trouble making decisions, and when I do, I back out and change my mind like clockwork. This has been something a spiritual adviser and myself have been working on the past year, plus I have joined a group where I am learning how to trust that "first impression" they call it. And it's helping.

So now that I have concluded what I want to improve on, one might wonder how I plan to remedy it. Well, I finally know that, though tempting to refute, I need not execute perfectly: I need only make a start. So now I am empowered, and don't need to sit in a place of indecision. I just continue my meditation every night before bed; I put my pillow along the wall so that I can lay as flat as possible, and prepare with some intentional breathing and holding of breath. Then I commence to focus in on troubled areas, sending my breath to those places, using muscle effort to keep the areas as straight as possible. 

As a practicing Christian, it was hard for me to return to yoga. I made attempts at practicing kundalini yoga on my own the past half year, because that is an easy discipline to do solo - all of the sets are outlined with precise instruction. I was also concerned about weakening my ballet muscles, because yoga sometimes uses the opposite muscles sets. But the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of hatha flow yoga have been too phenomenal to quit. I have a safe place to practice, and an amazing instructor. I'm very fortunate.

Making a decision to complete a task is one half, the second part is following through, and this is one area where I can do just that. I really love the yoga community. My eyes are still fixed on Jesus, and I have a public responsibility to shepherd, but the Christian community can be skilled at discrediting and trapping a person, or making someone feel less than, and even a traitor, so it was a really big leap for me to take this direction into the alternative healing arts. However now I feel not only a part of, I feel more confident in all areas of my life, and that includes my Christian life. 

Saint Paul wrote, "Test everything, keep what is good", and I take this teaching very seriously. It is less likely to fall victim to bullying when one can stand firm in his or her own truth. This is a new saying that I didn't understand at first, but it simply means to come from a place of honesty. If you want to believe the Bible is literal, go for it, if you want to practice Buddhist meditation, go for it, if you want to practice yoga and be humbled by your limitations (and be inspired to improve), go for it. 

Live and let live is my apropos now. Judgement of self and others is a spiritual sickness from within, and today, that malady no longer serves me. Today I work only on moving and flowing through the blocks that are keeping me disconnected from achieving what I really want in this short time on Earth, and in that is real joy, peace, and freedom.

- Japa Dyal Kaur

A new world came into view

I'm following along on a ten day meditation series that my friend is putting on, and today she briefly touched on the gut and it's intuition. We have all heard this - trust your gut. But something that I learnt is that we hold tension and build-up in our gut when we are anxious, or when we are not living authentically. She mentioned that she had chronic inflammation in her stomach for years, not because of what she was eating, but rather because of the stress and emotions that she was holding in. 

I have been experiencing this for the past year and a half, and it came to a head in September. It got to the point that I went to the doctor because I didn't know what was happening. Of course there was no real diagnosis, and that's okay I just needed to know it wasn't necessarily a dangerous physical problem. I lived with this change in my body, working on accepting it, but never fully resigning to it. But this past two weeks things began to change. 

I started taking a yoga class, and I became more careful about what I ate. But I really think the reason for my relief is that I let go of really harmful situations and people. There is a direct correlation to people who I had let into my life, and when my gut problems started, which wasn't just chronic inflammation, it was chronic constipation as well. This is an important reason why I mention the yoga, because it aids the emotional healing while also reminding the body how it's supposed to move. 

Another reason why I mention my new yoga practice is because it ties into the new people who I now have in my life. I am taking classes from a friend, and I am learning meditation from another friend. I am in contact with kindred spirits, people who help heal me. Not only am I connecting with people who care about me, but I am learning humility in being the student, and not the guru who I've been so desperately trying to be for the past ten plus years. 

So now I am also learning how wonderful, simple, inclusive, loving, and attainable meditation is, such as breath work, body awareness, and the polarity of focus and release. My spirituality and my body are on an incredible healing journey. I am discovering the freedom that comes when I don't have to be in control, when I can let my body do what it needs to do. Because while it was painful even physically on some days to have had that inflammation, I knew deep down my body needed to be respected and complete it's process.

When I began let others help me, I discovered a peace and happiness that is brand new. I am so excited to continue my journey, to learn from my peers and friends, and to pass on to those who will come after me what I have learnt, which I know today is crucial. And this does not mean to pass it on in a master/student dynamic, but from one person who got out of a hole to helping another person get back up, too.

People are coming into my life without me even knowing I needed them, and this is because I am letting God guide me. My mind my soul and my body are being restored, and this is only because I grounded myself through getting humble, through admitting that I had no answers, no solution, only a head full of hot air that was consistently getting me into trouble. And what I found in admitting that I was having mental, physical, and spiritual problems, was that no one judged me, rather I was encouraged to become a part of. And that is the first step.

Prayer and Meditation

It's not my intention to teach anyone prayer or meditation, I am not in a position to be a public guide. This post is really more about me trying to make sense of a program of recovery that was given to me, a step toward peace which I have struggled with for over five years, and for some reason has always eluded me.

That said, I had a turning point a couple of weeks ago where I felt God's presence so clearly, where I knew fully that of myself I am nothing - it is He who does the work.¹ My contact was instantaneous; I began to understand what I was being taught and was able to discern not only my purpose, but who I was to work and connect with.

I do not believe that we should go by spiritual matters alone, but currently I am in a bit of a limbo with my spiritual adviser, so I have been wearily self-teaching. That said, I have learnt a bit in the past whereby I can do some homework, so to speak, and can take it to my "teacher" soon enough.

Writing this entry helps get it "into" my body and mind, and I choose to post it, in case someone else might wish to follow it and from it might benefit. 

This is how I have been practicing my daily spirituality:

1) Upon waking, I kneel at my bed. I keep my sheepskin rug at my bedside, so there is no prep-work. I do this before checking my phone. I recite The Lord's Prayer, and then I thank God for my life. I ask to be free of self-seeking motives, and I ask for God to transmute my fear into love (I have realized that I wake up afraid, but I was unaware of this until last week). I then conclude my prayer time with asking Him to let me help someone that day. The promise in practicing this is that I will be able to access my mental faculties and my mind will be cleared of wrong motives. 

2) I clean up, shower, make coffee, and then sit down at my table. I review my day, I use my planner if necessary. I ask God to prepare me for my day, and I ask Him to help me get done what needs to get done. 

3) I read my daily prayer and meditation book. I consider how I might apply or recall it as my day goes on. 

4) Before leaving the door, I say a little prayer for God to give me His peace, and to guide me. It is also important to reinforce that once I walk past that door, all bets are off - I am officially out into the world, and simply do not know what's going to happen. I generally know what my day will look like, especially since I have reviewed it, but it is the curve balls that we can't prepare for, and which can knock us out.

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I have also been taught "spot-check" requests to God, which I consider the emergency prayers:

1) When feeling stuck or indecisive, ask God for inspiration. The promise is that I will be able to relax and take it easy.

2) When feeling agitated, ask God for direction, and affirm, "Thy will be done". The promise is that I will be in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity or foolish decisions. I will not tire so easily, for I won't be burning up energy. 

In closing, I can say that within one week of this practice, it really does work. 

The gladiolus flower symbolizes strength of character, faithfulness, and honour.

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1 John 5.19

Journalling

I've been journalling since mid-April, when a friend gave me a book and pen for my birthday. I don't journal much, I would start here and there, especially since I love notebooks and stationary, but despite my love and passion for writing, I never enjoyed journalling. There are a few reasons for this, first, I am left-handed so I have found that writing can be strenuous, two when I was about 20 years old someone snatched my journal from my purse and read it, and I was traumatized, and three, I often think of what I'll leave behind when I leave this earth, and my deepest more intimate thoughts immortalized on paper isn't one of them.

But, out of deep appreciation for my gift, along with a sincere desire to keep an open mind in my recovery, I have rather dutifully been logging my day-to-day experiences (for the most part). About a month and a half ago I suppose it was, someone close to me asked what I have learned from journalling, and while I found it a strange question, I realized that I did in fact have a major breakthrough in recognizing a deep-seeded fear that I have, which is chronic and twists my thinking into a lie that traps my happiness. Since this realization, I have not had a single defeating or fearful thought of this nature which wants to corrode me from the inside out.

I journalled last night for the first time in about two weeks (so my statement of "daily" journalling as of late has been more of an exaggeration), and while I do not ever go back and read earlier entries, I decided to read a really short one (probably because it was short). I underline the dates, and sometimes I let the underlining go, so I'll revisit them. In retrospect, I suppose this is another thing to log - why do I so meticulously keep record when I have no intention of keeping the journal (I have thrown out every journal I have ever written in).

I do remember writing that entry. I had gone to bed and I felt an indescribable urge to write what was on my mind, kind of like an inventory. I turned on my nightstand light, and scribbled down my feelings which I felt the need to do because they were new, and a major breakthrough. I wrote that I was in the midst of the hardest point in my life, but that for the first time, it didn't feel like punishment.

Last night I felt it necessary to write given a change in my life that whilst welcomed can take me down if I don't practice the principles of right living. I started it out as honestly as I could, which is hard, even though rationally I know no one will see it. That said, self-appraisal doesn't come easy for me. I saw after writing that it was a complete flip from what I had written last.

I was not being melodramatic two weeks ago, I was truly at the lowest point ever. It wasn't a depression in the least, it was rather life throwing everything at me in every single facet of my life. But my prayer life has been strong since mid-February, and I felt the hand of God on my back, moving me along the entire time. I knew deep down it would pass, I knew I had the power sufficient to change my attitude and bring about change. And last week, everything got sorted out. And because of the understanding that I now have from my private writing, while the roots are still tangled, the soil is rich and full of life-giving nutrients.

I romanticized about journaling when I was a child, when the only problems I had were my parents smoking and my best friend not giving me all of her attention some days of the week. I read books where the characters wrote in journals, and I began my entries with "Dear Diary", like every quintessential little girl does. But today, it's not "Dear Diary", it's more like, "Dear Higher Self - what are you going to heal tonight?"

What a gift that a gift was the tool to, and the journey which this journal had aided in, with reconciliation, to a friend, to family, to God, and to myself. Amen.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first had passed away...And I heard a loud voice saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man...He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'” - Revelation 21.1+3-4

Fate calling

It felt like choosing
between love and money,
passion or excitement,
night verses day.

The fit it was
to decide.
But when I did,
it was a relief.

Still, I had to write
to instill in me
the reality
of starting anew

A new person
in Christ
who he had left behind.

But I didn't know,
despite the criticism,
because we talked for hours
like nothing really changed.

Then I saw a vision,
and it tore me up
but he didn't understand,
because his heart was hard
and broken.

And we never spoke
again.