Another A.A. fail

A.A. works for some people, but not for most. For me, it has transformed my life. I have truly been reborn as it says we are in Step Three. However, most people just don't get it, and I truly believe it's because of false teachings within the rooms.

An example is the erroneous and even evil teaching that alcoholism is "patient". And the word "evil" might sound harsh or an exaggeration, but the truth is, it is opposite of biblical assertions. So what else could it then be, if it is not in the teachings of Christ? People in the meetings repeat that it is patient, and that it is waiting for them. I have even heard people say that it is doing push-ups in the corner, preparing. And I do appreciate those analogies, but the truth is, it is love which is patient.

Even today's Twenty-Four Hours referred to alcoholism as the ocean, waiting to engulf us, and A.A. as the dike keeping it at bay (one hole, meaning one drink, and it could crack the dike and break it). While I do agree that it is the first drink that gets us drunk, and that is why complete abstinence is the only alternative, this has possibly precipitated this distorted understanding of the disease - and it is not even A.A. literature! (It is Hazelton).

Therefore, alcohol cannot possibly be patient, especially when the fellowship is built upon a Christian premise. And while I wrote the other day about the Christian principles being a stumbling block in the program, I in fact meant the Protestant belief of predestination and the elect. I am very grateful to be a converted Christian in the fellowship. It has helped me with multiple fourth steps in which I would not had the courage to have partaken in without that foundation.

This is an example of the fallacious teachings of A.A., and how so many of us don't recover. And why would we when we turn the chip system for the newcomer or the person coming back into a near red-carpet event? So then, what is the opposite of patience?

I suspect it is rashness, indecision, frenzy, and impulsion, traits that stir us into dizzy messes, causing confusion and even turmoil. And since Satan is the opposite of Christ, and God is not the author of confusion, we can conclude that Satan causes incertitude, and it is the unstable and uncertain life we live in active alcoholism. Our disease can be likened to the metaphor of that which causes bewilderment, not that which we strive for in our program - to be patient, kind, and tolerant. What a twisted view we in the fellowship have of serenity, even though we pray for it every meeting. These inconsistencies based in flimsy understandings are what I believe to be the number one offender in the majority's inability to recover.

"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." —James 1:4

Predestined to perish

People in the program don't realize that the principles of the steps are Christian in nature. And are consequently inconclusive. There are many reasons for the division within Christianity, but the most notable strife is based in the study of soteriology. Who gets saved, and who doesn't.

I'm not going to digress into a breakdown of Protestant verses Catholic, mostly because the purpose of this article is not to offer a platform for debate. All that I will say is, according to the Reformed, which is most Protestants as we understand them to be and whose principles are the founding teachings in the program, believe in something called "predestination". Predestination essentially means that from the beginning of time, God set apart people who will be saved (the "elect"), and people who will be damned (everyone else). This means that there is NOTHING that a person can do, nor the prayers of the elect for said person, which can save them.

These people are the "unfortunates" that we read about in the preamble at the beginning of every open meeting. These unfortunates are left just as that - constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Honesty - the one requirement for recovery. A REAL fourth, fifth, and seventh. However, this honesty is the grace that we talk about, and is the same grace that is rooted in Christianity. But grace can not be earned. This is why all of the step work and the practicing of principles in all of our affairs, or even, alas working with others (which is really just another step) can recover us.

Only an act of Providence!! Well, that act was decided long before the sufferer was even born whether it would be gifted or not. This is why there is no solution for the unfortunate. So I wonder, what if we stood with some bravery in a meeting, instead of being so cordial, and actually said to those members, those who get a few months here, a year there, and then fall, that they will for certain die, that they are goners and there is absolutely nothing they can do, they might as well not even go to meetings. Because this is the fact of God's grace - it can't be earned with good behaviour. If the situate were this dire, would they actually get desperate enough believe that they can get sober, and if so, would they?

This idea shakes the very foundation of the program, but with almost every key player in the founding years having relapsed, would that really be such a bad thing? If history itself has been fundamentally wrong about human nature and our ability to carry on, then maybe we could have a fellowship that actually worked for most, if not all members, where is not just a day-a-time, it is a lifelong commitment, because the only alternative is excruciating pain until death.

I would really love to see if a complete change in attitude and outlook upon life would really lead to recovery, or if the receiving of grace for only specific people is in fact gospel.

You are no longer alone

I recognize that the root of my disease is selfishness and self-centeredness, and after last week, I have been really trying to think more of others. One the other hand, I am feeling much more comfortable, after a little over two and a half years of sobriety, I feel like I am "coming around", but there's that selfishness that I am really seeing now. On the one hand, I love that I am not as insecure and people pleasing (co-dependent) as I have become in adulthood, but I also want to contribute to life, and I really think we do that through being selfless. I know that I have the natural gift of uplifting others, and I am reminded of that by the heavens every so often, such as when an old-timer told me yesterday how she needed my smile, in her grieving from her sponsee passing away.

This morning I awoke to a message from an old friend, who I let go of in my sickness. Her father passed this weekend, I didn't even know he was sick, but in her group message she said to the girls, "Thank you all for your support over the years while I was dealing with his illness." I wanted to throw up. I didn't even know he was sick.

I remember one of my last, if not my last drunk, I was texting her saying how much I needed her. I had no idea she was suffering, I just thought, "She's not a good friend, she hasn't followed up with me..." I was nothing but selfish since we were teenagers, trying to manage both of our lives, and getting upset with her when she didn't run hers the way I wanted. In fact, that was the exact reason why we fell apart in the first place. 

After being shocked, I thanked God from the bottom of my heart that I said my prayers before I checked my phone. And as I proceeded on my day, I was resolved to think about others. I was very stressed out for I had a quiz in a class that I am failing, and I consequently wasn't doing well in class today, in anticipation of it. The class itself was just hard, I think. The prof even told us to wake up at one point, and I thought shortly after that, is he also not okay? I realized he wasn't really as energetic and joking around as much, either. 

He gave us our quiz at the end of the class, and I did more than okay on it. As I was leaving, one of my classmates behind me was stuck in her quiz, I was really surprised, as I took math and economics with her last semester, and she was fine. I gave her a little "You know this!" on my way out. Then in the washroom, I heard one of the international students talking to another student, something about wanting to leave. I wasn't sure if she was referring to the program, or where she is living, but ever since I recently found out that she is here on her own from overseas, I've tried to pay more attention to her. I thought she just didn't like me for the longest time, but now I know she is just shy. 

I said to her, "Don't give up!", and as I went into the stall, I thought, wow, what a change from this morning. When did I become such a cheerleader? And I realized, we are ALL stressed out! It's NOT just me. Thinking that I am on my own, that I'm the only one who is struggling, that I am the only one who is stressed out and who wants out, that is all just my self-absorption once again: it's not reality. 

I thank God for showing me the Truth today, for helping me to see the real from the fake. It's not about me, and I can get out of a funk just by asking someone how they are! We are all sick in one way or another, and sometimes all we need to heal is to be recognized for a moment. I finally have the solution to my problem of alienation. 

The G.O.D.

I wanted to go to the church where Fr. G’s retired to, but my hair appointment took longer than I had anticipated. As I was driving home, I decided as I passed his old church to check it out, as I was only going to be a few minutes late. I wasn’t sure if I would even stay. It was impulsive, but I’m so glad I did it, so in my heart I could say good-bye.

Upon entering, I wasn’t even greeted by the GREETERS. But that is all so okay now. I saw there was good space closer to the front, and the clergy were still in the procession, so I took my seat closer to the altar. The mass was just fine, nothing really different. But I was sad, because I love Fr. G. so much. But he’s not dead, he’s just at a different parish, which will soon be mine. I have waited for this change. It’s been over six years, and I haven’t made a single real connection, except for Baxter. People don’t even acknowledge me, even when we are doing the offering of peace. It’s crazy. It makes me feel as though I am crazy. 

I want to give this church a big “fuck you”, even though it really has a piece of my heart. During the offering of peace, there was a single woman in front of me and one beside me. We all wished each other peace, but I didn’t turn around. I just thought, I so don’t care anymore. 

I fought back some tears throughout the service, but right before the transubstantiation, my voice was cracking. And I thought, maybe. Maybe I can believe in a miracle, that Christ really is there. And I hoped he was, because I was so sad. The Gift Of Desperation made me at least willing to believe. 

When I went up to take the Eucharist, I really did not like the way the man administered it to me. I was already a little red with watery eyes, and I felt like he just let me linger there, like he was trying to discern if I was worthy to receive the host or not. I grabbed the wafer after he (finally) placed it in my hand, taking it briskly and carefully so as to not drop it, and any Catholic readers will know, it is NOT good to drop the host, as carefully as a woman in near rage can be, broke it with my teeth, and stormed back to my seat. And I stifled my sobbing, and then, the service was over.

When I left I took the route by the altar, so that I could bow one last time before it. I thought a man would dare cross my path as I was about to kneel, and nothing makes me more angry than when people get in my way. But he kneeled as well, and I felt solidarity. 

I exited, and I really hope I will never return.

For the sober alcoholic

You descended into a great ignorance,

but you have not been defiled by anything in it.

You descended into a great mindlessness,

and your recollection remained.

You walked in mud,

and your garments were not soiled,

and you have not been buried in their filth,

and you have not been caught. 

The (First) Apocalypse of James

Trust in the Lord

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."

Isaiah 58.6-12

Permanent sobriety

I have been contemplating what the steps really do for our sobriety. I believe that if we practice the steps daily, we recover and do not pick up a drink again. But a friend who relapsed after twenty years said that he was working his steps, and another friend who has over twenty years of sobriety and who is a solid member agrees that one can relapse even in the midst of the steps. 

I just can't adhere to that, and that would be fine, if I didn't have a prodigy. Am I teaching her the truth? The unfortunate, the one who can't get or stay sober, is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Therefore, why wouldn't it be considered that they were not honestly working the program, practicing the steps day in and day out, and when struggling, even more rigorously?