Double-minded

I would very much like to talk about something that will not find its way onto my Facebook page, as it could be a stumbling block for members in Alcoholics Anonymous. In other words, my brethren. Furthermore, I do not post under my real name on this blog, so I am still keeping in tradition with the program, which states we must maintain personal anonymity at the level of press. 

I think it's important to address the side of A.A. which can have the fellowship turned into a witch hunt: A.A. is rooted in occult values. This is evident in some of its writings, and in its symbolism. It is rumoured that the reason why Dr. Bob, the co-founder, got sober, was because his membership from his Masonic lodge was suspended for his drunkenness

Bill W., the other co-founder, was connected to Carl Jung, accredited for being a key player in the start of A.A., and who wrote on the subject of symbolism - "language" used to conceal truer meanings (but which are also used for convenience). Symbolism is studied in the occult, and is considered "secret" knowledge - where their meanings are only to be disclosed to certain audiences.

Furthermore, A.A. was also given its powers through the elite one percent (sometimes called the Illuminati, the NWO [New World Order], or Luciferians, to name a few titles). This is because the Rockefeller's gave the co-founders the money they needed to get A.A. off the ground (mostly, to publish its book, Alcoholics Anonymous, which we in the fellowship affectionately call "The Big Book", and is the stable representation used to identify us).

But A.A. is also rooted in Christian values, which in part was inherited from its predecessor, The Oxford Group, a six-step deliverance group (Bill W. not only became a professing Christian while in this group, but he saw that alcoholics were not so well received, and so he started A.A. with Dr. Bob, also a Christian, and together, they doubled the Steps, making it easier to follow, and to which Bill said he was pleased to see that there were twelve, as was the number of Christ's disciples).

We cannot blame A.A. for being rooted in the occult, or that it got its start on corrupted money, because America itself is double-minded and is rooted in both the occult elite, and the humble Christian. It is just about impossible for the Christian to stay on the narrow path, as was also true for the Jews in ancient Israel. This is NORMAL, though not ideal, and yet, we strive for the ideal in working the Steps.

A.A. is not divinely inspired, as so many profess it is in meetings. In fact, I believe it has a curse on it, and this is where we see its failures that manifest in such things as low success rate, poor sponsorship, grave misunderstanding of the Steps, archaic and unclear chapters in the literature, and members who try to use the program as their main source for spirituality. But I do know that it saved my life, and this is because Christ is my real and true saviour, and he permitted my admittance into the fellowship.

And I do not brag! Attaining humility is the ultimate and final goal in A.A., and I am humble, because as a Christian I do not boast in myself, but in the Cross! This is what the Apostle Paul said in his letters to the Galatians and the Corinthians, and this is what I say to you, dear reader.

Yet with this said, A.A. cannot be a religion, because alcoholism is not prejudiced, and we are no ministry! We are sick, defective, broken people trying to stay alive! Being a deliverance group, I believe, is what made the Oxford Group fail (amongst other reasons, which is why in A.A. we have Traditions that keep us in line, such as maintaining personal anonymity).

I would truly love to share this post on other sites but I love A.A. and it's people, it really is a "We program", and I cannot be sober without it. So I will not frighten or defy my people. I also must remember that I was chosen by Christ to follow him before I got sober and before I was a dedicated member of A.A., though I had no humility. But today I work through the Steps in order to receive the peace that Christ died for me to have. So while I believe that A.A. is cursed, it has paradoxically been an avenue for me to lift mine and my family's curse. 

Looking at the parts of myself that I don't like, acknowledging when my security feels threatened by others, and confessing what I have done wrong, or what hurts me when I believe I have done nothing wrong, can only be found in Alcoholics Anonymous, nowhere else. God works in mysterious ways, and if mystery schools have given way to my new life, which has made possible for me to walk the way of Christ, then not "so moot it be", but rather, "so be it". I believe in change, because I am an example of it, and I really truly hope that there will be a reformation within A.A., where we move forward in recovery and therefore away from its occult heritage.

Receiving

Usually, it seems that we don't receive from God what we want. 

But, do we really know what we want?

So many times, I have looked back on all of the disappointments I have experienced, and think, THANK GOD that never materialized! In fact, for most of them. The only thing I feel I never received, which I needed, was a whole family,. But, maybe even that was an intentional plan for me, so that I could be who I am today - someone who is strong and disciplined. Someone who I am *starting* to really like! 

My life has seemed to have been mostly downhill, but four years ago today, it began to change, in a most miraculous way. Why? I decided to not pick up a drink, and to seek help for my illness. I changed my life, I began to heal and to heal my wounded family as well, or what's left of it. 

It sounds like a cliché, and I know it's not comforting in the throes of dejection, but while we might not get what we want, we will get what we need. I know that this is hard to accept, especially when so many people do not have the basic necessities, but I can't appeal to everyone. I know (literally through the statistics Blogger provides) that my audience is not from poor countries. So please, try to *receive* this message with an open mind.

What do you have to be grateful for? There is surely at least one thing that you can hold onto. And guess what, when you practice gratitude, you are doing God's will, believe it or not. And then when you practice gratitude regularly, it becomes a habit, and that gives way to it becoming a state of being, which is REALLY God's will!

When we don't get what we (think we) want, it's really not so bad, because when we are living in God's will of being continuously grateful, while there might be a dull feeling of disappointment or sadness, deep down we know that they are but superficial (and fleeting) feelings. We can remember with confidence that our feelings can betray us, and that our seemingly pressing matter is really not all that important for our journey unto everlasting life.

Rather, when we live in God's will, whatever the challenge, there is no fear or anger; there is only the joy in knowing that the one thing in the world that truly matters, we are doing right, and with great blessings. Amen.

My solo

I've decided to document my experience of creating my dance for the December performance. I had a private lesson last night, just because it's a small class and it so happened no one showed up. So my teacher and I worked entirely on my dance. She is also a composer, and she showed me some awards that she won at a festival where she entered her music. This really inspired me, especially since it was a long uphill battle for this sort of recognition. Plus her marketing is fearless, and it taught me that as artists, we really aren't as we appear to the world - we are enigmas, not to be taken at face value.

She told me that we don't know where our work will take us and to start sharing my art, my passion. Just start! I told her that I don't even know where to start. We have always been encouraged to study a bit everyday, even just ten minutes. But when I watch ballet dancers on YouTube, I have been progressively getting really, really frustrated. When I was a bit younger, I could be a bit inspired by these professional dancers, but more recently, I have felt so inflexible, so weak, so mortal. I feel like I have regressed. So what's the point?

I felt so unmotivated, I told her that my time is up. I said if I make a *start* preparing my art for the world, I should do it with writing, what I know I am really good at. She said to write about my experiences in dance, and that I need to make a decision with the way I feel I am right now: it's up to me alone. She suggested I start with studying Degas, the famous painter who had a precise eye and love for ballet and lines, and to go from there. This really works for me, this is manageable.

It still seems a bit overwhelming, but I *feel* I am losing my art. This cannot happen. My weight gain that started at the end of August, doubled with not taking the performance class (where I forfeited choreography) makes me *feel* so far removed, I almost feel like I'm grieving, even though I'm still in class (in the studio) two times a week.

Last night it changed though, and I've been anticipating (hoping for) this change, but I thought it would come through a different form or discipline. The change actually started that morning, when I met with my priest for the first time in a very long time, maybe well over a year, and where I received guidance, and then absolution. Then I had a real rehearsal, by myself the way a principle dancer, the highest rank, does. I worked so hard, but I still felt so weak, and yet I knew it was my time to start again. So for the first time in a long time, I went to the grocery store and bought fruits and vegetables, and some dairy. 

I got home after a long day, I meditated as taught by my priest in our meeting, and after class and a full day of eating so healthy that my Irritable Bowel Syndrome didn't even act up, I lost a couple of pounds. I still feel injured and inflexible, but I have united with my craft once more. I *feel* back on track. I needed a miracle, I really did, and something really special happened: I am redirected.

Trusting God

Can we be certain that God "knows" or "understands" us and our desires? Is it really safe to "Let go and let God"? This is something that I have struggled with up until this present time. With hard work and a strong support system securely in place, I have been able to loosen my overbearing need for control, and I have begun my trudge of being healed. In the past, I have been so dejected that I wanted to turn to the dark arts (supposing they actually work) so that I could manipulate situations to suit my desires - desires that I had twisted beyond recognition to appear as though they were instead needs. 

Today I do feel more confident that God knows my heart, that He knows me (my potential, my true standing), and that I am safe. Today I really believe that with a pure heart (me at my most basic core), I can never be harmed by anyone with malicious intent. This includes the judgements that I feel are placed on me. And that's okay to be judged, because I know I do it too. In fact, I believe that my tendency to judge and "project" really just stem from my seemingly innate want to control people. And today I suspect that I want to control people, because deep down, I am terrified of them. But this no longer needs to be the case. Friend or Foe? How about, another human being who probably has also been corrupted, but who perhaps can enforce more healthy (or any) coping mechanisms. 

If I am able to "let go" of what I want others to see, or what I conversely want to see, nothing matters. Nothing at all! Just "First things first": go to work, maintain the amends that I made to my family, and remember to ALWAYS be grateful for the gift of being led to a life of sobriety, a life that today is founded on restitution and re-birth. This is true recovery.

When it rains, it pours, but sometimes there was such a drought, it was necessary. I have found that things fall apart at the same time, all at once, and then they come back together, all at once. And in the calm after the storm, I see that I am better for it, so much better, on an Emotional IQ level. More compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and release, which includes the wreckage made by my own hand.

I believe that angels are real, and they communicate to me daily. Their message is to remind me to not hold on to my own plans and designs so tightly, and that when a turn happens that might begin a chapter in which I am not pleased to be the star of, it's really not so bad. God never presents a problem that there is no solution to, and today I really believe this from my core. And this, I believe, is trusting God.