Lest ye be judged

I am part of a real geek forum. It's a really long story how I got into it, but I barely relate to the posters. Not to say that I am cool. I think anyone who reads my blogs can see that I am on the outskirts of society, but I really do not have the "geek" persona. However I have enough "geek" material from the '80's and early '90's, when I played Nintendo and Sega Genesis, and read my brother's Marvel Comic books. I even "played" with the comics. My friend and I acted out the characters with our own story-lines, and I was "Rogue". I would also copy and colour the comic book covers. And truly, those where some of, if not the best, memories of my childhood. 

So I am in this group on Facebook, and the people are so dorky and good-natured. There are a lot of posts that I don't get the references to, but some I can participate in, because I know a little bit. For example I never even WATCHED Lord of the Rings, but I read The Hobbit fifteen years ago...so I have these little segways...

But a few days someone posted something about Carrie Fisher (soon after saying he knew it would "get" to someone, which actually made me feel a bit better). Her autopsy was released this week (or last week), and the amount of drugs that were found in her system actually makes me want to vomit. Coke, heroine, ecstasy....just tragic, really. But this image said that if we "judge" her, then we didn't "deserve" her. Well, being the good A.A. member that I am, who has recovered from alcoholism through the fellowship and the Steps, as guided by my sponsor, combined with my sincere dislike for the woman in general, took this opportunity to really unleash (and yes, a little to my regret).

It obviously did not go too well, other than I met two other female members who have the nearly exact same sobriety time as me. To the point it is fantastical, really (which is fitting, since the group is rooted in H.P. Lovecraft mythology). That was really cool, but ultimately, I pissed some people off. And naturally I got the "Who are you to judge...."

Which brings me to the message of this article. I have EVERY right to judge. And I know this to be true, because the ancient texts support that in this case, this IS true:

"With what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." - Matthew 7:2

I am fully OK being judged when it is regarding my alcoholism, because I am the type of member who believes that "hand-holding" is inappropriate in the Program, and if my sponsor didn't tell it like it is, and didn't call me out on my BULLSHIT, then I might not be sober today, because my break-up nearly killed me. Literally. 

People respond to kindness: it did so with my previous sponsor, and with my current sponsor (whose genuine kindness drew me to ask her to work with me), and it did so through me with my sponsee and my best friend in the fellowship. But when it comes to the work, when it comes to actually GETTING sober, "kindness" has no place. 

I HOPE if I ever fall, I will be brought in through compassion, tolerance, kindliness, and love, but if I stay, I hope that people don't twist the reality of the disease into "One day at a time". So judge me, I will stand before the Lord on the Last Day, and I will be accountable for the sins I committed in my active addiction, on my feet, because I know, and God knows, and everyone around me knows, that I ran the race, and I won.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4.7

Just say No

This will seem like a strange blog to most, especially since it is so different from my usual spiritual awakening/self-empowerment posts, but this, I really believe, is crucial to whoever (really, women) might find themselves in this position.

And as I mentioned in my The gifts of the Program article, I can now put up boundaries, and this was so difficult. I have heard for years about "boundaries", and it was so elusive to me that I honestly had no idea what they even WERE!

I am very active online, more so than real life. I have absolutely no problem with this, the world is digital and globalized, and information is free. The majority of my activity is in Facebook groups. Most of the real life ("IRL") people who I know use Facebook for your standard original means - to post pictures, and keep in touch with family and friends. But I came from the MySpace world, and when that site self-destructed, some of the posters moved over to start groups on Facebook, and I was fortunately added to them.

Since then I have branched off on my own, I am in just about no groups with my old MySpace peeps, and I am so active in these new groups that I have earned over 200 followers on Facebook through my participation.

And the past half year (nearly to the day) I have been truly and utterly devastated by a failed relationship, that no, I really did not apply my program to, and even for several months lied to my sponsor about. However, I nearly drank over it, which caused me an entire overhauling, where I absolutely went through the Steps really for the first time, with a phenomenal woman that is so good that I chose her, even though I have more sobriety than her. 

This sponsor taught me how to say "NO", and this morning, I had to, and it was uncomfortable. But not only did I have to do it, I had to fight the thought that I was being a "bitch". And in a sexist world, where, let's face it, most of us women have been sexually assaulted in some form, it can be REALLY hard to fight these predators. 

Yesterday a man in a group I regularly post in messaged me, I don't reply to random men who might message me, and they get filtered out, anyway. But he really got to me: I didn't even know what he looked like because his profile was private, but we connected on a "soul" level. For the first time since I was 12, Someone approached me in a really innocent way (or so I thought). At first I didn't talk to him, but he was so persistent, and I was so dejected from my ex, he kinda swept me off my feet, and by the end of my work day, I was looking forward to his messages. I am not proud of this, but this is what loneliness and rejection can do to us (me) - cause desperation. This morning he sent me a photo of himself, and he's not bad looking, really. Not that I thought we would run off into the sunset together, but I felt a bit better seeing that this guy wasn't exactly unattractive by my standards. 

At some point this morning, we got to talking about the suffocation of the Catholic Church, and the conversation turned to sex. Okay, well, the Church really does inhibit our sexuality, and I do think it's a disservice to us Catholics, but the conversation should have ended there (Really, it shouldn't have been brought up at all, but this is simply how it started).

Then he talked about orgasms. I didn't reply to that. Then he started talking about masturbation. And while it is irrelevant the tone or context of these subjects, I would in fact like to state that they were talked about in a really manipulative way - in other words, the way he approached these topics it seemed innocent and actually not invasive. But ladies, let's look at the facts. This stranger, began talking about sex, orgasms, and masturbation. Before I was healed through my program of recovery, I would have never seen this happening, or it being inappropriate. Maybe something deep down would have given me a red flag, but I know that my co-dependency would have kicked in, and I would have actually made an EFFORT to not offend him and continue engaging.

I knew that it wasn't my solution to just going to walk away from our messaging, so I had to be firm, and really, I saw it as another brick to lay in the wall in the mastery of self. He said he hoped that he wasn't being inappropriate, and I said, actually, yes he was. I then said that while I enjoyed our conversations, I was discontinuing the communication, and politely said that I would see him in the forum, with a smiley face. 

He said that he thought it was alright because we were both adults. This is an appalling response, and also devious. I did not reply, and since then he messaged me two times, trying to defend himself. I will never be messaging him back, because I set my boundaries on firm bedrock, and I will never need to cross that line again.

Ladies, it is NEVER okay for a man to talk you about sex, if it is uninvited. Something that I learnt in A.A. is that we start on the road to recovery with skewed sex histories - so much so that the majority of Step Four in the Big Book is dedicated TO SEX. (And this is true for men, as well). And I have also noticed we justify unacceptable behaviour from men, because we think that we deserve it, that we did something to warrant it. Even if we did act flirtatious, it is out RIGHT to end it, and to end it WITHOUT explanation, at that.

I cannot emphasize how important it is that we establish where we draw this line, and to not worry about hurting "feelings", and that we MUST resist wanting to "nurture" these men on the other side - even if they really don't mean any harm. (Though they probably do, through the form of control).

Thank GOD this man showed who he was and what his intentions were less than 24 hours into contact, but sometimes, it's not so clear-cut. If I did not keep a woman-based program, I am not sure I would have had the courage or strength to defend myself this morning. Please take care, please know who your real friends are, and please never stop working at defending your body, mind, and soul.

The lost sheep

I have always struggled with paranoia, but when I was a child, though blameless, I was truly terrified of God, or at least, of His Son. I would cry to my mother, "What if Jesus appears to me?" And she would, unsuccessfully, tell me that I would not be afraid, that I would feel warmth and love. 

And today I know why I was afraid - because I would be really fucked up when he would come. I was unemployed, and I was so intoxicated all the time, I couldn't even make it to my out-patient rehab sessions. But when Jesus actually did come to me, yes, I did feel love, or at least compassion. I was coming off a really bad drug, trying to manage it with weed. I was in a beautiful wooden two-story house in midtown, in a really strange position with a young man who would die of alcoholism a couple of years later, only in his early forties. The building has since been torn down for condos. I miss my time in that house, and I miss that man very much. They are gone forever, now.

But I digress. I won't describe how Jesus appeared, it was almost like a mirage, and it's hard to explain in a delicate manner, so for now I will just end by claiming that Jesus comes to us with Life when we are dying. It is in our darkness when He appears. This is why we follow Him. This is why we never wander. Because even though we may try, He always comes and finds us. Always.

"'I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.'" John 11.25-6

The gifts of the Program

It is my nightmare to speak at open meetings. I actually avoid certain meetings where I know I will be asked. I blank-out fully, I have zero confidence that I will say anything useful, and I have had such long moments of starting ahead, not saying anything, as though paralyzed, that I have once been told from the audience that it's okay (from an Al-Anon, at that), and twice been told (nicely) to just sit down. One of those times, the person even did the hand swipe across the neck gesture. I laugh about it today. This is what we do in the fellowship, we laugh at these unfortunate situations :)

But I can write, so I like to talk about the things that I just can't seem to in front of a room full of people (the Internet gives us all false courage - similar to road rage :)). So here goes. 

Because of A.A., I have friends (even though we come in with very poor mental health, and our bonds are contingent on sobriety and working the program, which sadly, is not often the case), but I have people who I can go and talk to everyday, should I choose.

Because of A.A., I can see my progress, in all aspects of my life, instead of when I used to beat myself up. And I mean in ALL aspects of my life. Most notably I am seeing this is my art, which is ballet. The things I couldn't do five years ago, I can do today. And yeah, I often want to give up, but I keep going, everyday. I do work everyday in order to keep my motivation up as much as possible. Another example is from last week, when someone commented on my tote purse at a meeting. It's a great bag from H&M (very cheap but looks great and is comfortable to wear), and she felt the need to throw in something about it being a "nice" knockoff (in front of a somewhat cute guy, at that. Maybe that's why she said it). I really don't think it is trying to be a knockoff, but regardless,

I am sensitive. A few years ago, I would have never used it again, maybe even have gone so far as to give it away. But I still love it! Another progress is my medical history. I had so many doctors (on speed dial). I even had my allergist tell me to stop seeing so many doctors. Within my first year of sobriety, my "visits" ceased. I hadn't seen my dermatologist all year, that the receptionist (or nurse) even commentated on it. I would never have this freedom from bondage of self, without the Program. 

Because of the Step work that I accomplished, I can be an honest person, I lost so much of my co-dependency, and conversely, I can see when I am being lied to, manipulated, or being taken advantage of. With the help of talking openly with female members who I trust, and a no-nonsense sponsor, I established boundaries that eventually came into fruition, and have been firmly set. 

Because of A.A. I have made amends to my parents, and we are equals now. I no longer feel "foolish" for caring for them, for helping out, going that extra mile for them. And when they are insensitive to me, I can express that it is wrong, instead of closing up and harbouring resentments.

And regarding resentments - I can see my part in absolutely every hurt feeling that I have had in adulthood. As children, we are at the mercy of our parents/caregivers, but when we act in ways that in turn hurt others, THAT we need to not only recognize, but be accountable for. And that heals us, it liberates us, and if we can follow through with the work, it sets us free,

And regarding following through, I am dependable today. People know me to be reliable. I show up, and I show up on time. I work an honest day's work, I pick up the phone when it rings, I work hard to care for others. And I do have to work hard, because as we believe in the program, selfishness is the route of our disease, and we have to fight to break that pattern. But today my understanding of alcoholism is it's a defense mechanism, and we did what we had to do to survive; that is, if we didn't go to far and die or go mad from it.

And regarding my understanding of alcoholism - and it does say in the book, the same way we come to terms with a higher power - it is written "As we understand it". Despite the clear cut qualifiers, which are the cravings of the body and the obsession of the mind, for me, my understanding is that there is real loss. So because of A.A. I begin to rebuild my life; the life that I ruined, but also the life that was broken down, and I do believe that alcoholism is a genetic disposition, dormant until it surfaces from stress. Which means, that while it is so important for some members (a fair amount who like to preach from the podium) to vehemently defend that they are not an alcoholic from what has happened to them, I disagree.

But those hurts really don't matter anymore. I have good days, and bad days. There is scar tissue that is so deep, I at times hope the repercussions from those never see the light of day. But what I have learnt from ballet, which saved my life (because I have an incredible coach), injuries can be blessings, because they force us to work in a different way, in the correct way. And we build up new muscles, the ones around the scars that we weren't using when we should have, and we become stronger than we were before!

And while my art saved my life, and while God saved my life, I would not have the confidence, strength, understanding, discipline, compassion, or guidance, if it were not for this program of recovery. And this Program is the home groups, the meetings, the sponsorship, the fellowship, the Steps (And for me, the fellowship needs to come before the Steps) the friendships, and the service opportunities.

A.A. was the absolute last house on the block. I tried treatment and also yoga, but this disease needs to be understood, "Know thy enemy", and it is practical, hands-on therapy, not just learning through books. 

I apply, I grow, and I work through problems, using the Steps and the fellowship. Being in A.A. is not a life sentence today, it is an opportunity that I would never have had, had I never fallen. And THAT is a miracle. 

On humility

I was in a Step Seven study last night, and it was excellent. I didn't have time to give the share that I wanted, but I really wasn't there to preach to anyone on humility of God, when I've been "Driving the bus" myself. :) So this is the perfect opportunity for me to write, and writing leads to better, more clear, more efficient, more influential, sharing.

I came to realize that though I am currently a critic of the Twelve Step program, this makes me vulnerable in the meetings, because I then have to rationalize why I am there, since I have the mentality of a leader and teacher but the reality of being a member with no real solution. So after reading one of Layla N.'s blogs about being shielded by God through prayer when she was entering an environment of adversaries, I also said a little prayer, despite my atheism.

And by no means did I believe I was entering a dangerous situation, but I still felt uncomfortable, I went back to feeling "other than", or "apart from", ultimately the mental symptom. But I have really grown to like this meeting, and I know that I am there for one purpose only at this stage in my recovery - to stay dry! And we differentiate between being "dry" and being "sober" - they have different meanings to us. One is just getting by, the latter is having a sense of purpose in this life that we've ruined. And I am just getting by, but trying.

I know the definition of humility, and in the years I have sat in Step Seven meetings, I have noticed not a single person (I have shared with) knows what the definition is. The "chapters" in the Twelve and Twelve book are called Essays, and some of them are so wordy, and so dated in not only their words and examples used to express points, but in the syntax, as well. The sentences can have the most simple, commonly used words, and they are still a tongue twister! So this is a big reason why it is so difficult to "spot" the definition, or what Bill W. used as the "definition", so this is totally understandable. There sometimes seems to be some runaround in the Big Book and Twelve and Twelve; one might say it's because Bill was a genius, but I suspect rather a lot of it was "fishing" for information/a solution.

So the definition is buried in the middle to the end of the essay (of course, lol), and it is, "Of myself I am nothing - the Father doeth the works." In other words, I am unable to do any good, to "Hand it over", without God's aid: on my own, I am powerless.

And this is what I really connected with last night, regarding my current "condition": If I do not depend on God (and clearly I have some glimmer of faith, since I sent a petition before leaving the house, and was shown He listened when I not only comprehended, but had the cohesive skills to communicate), then I cannot remain open to others, connected to others, and therefore be teachable (my pride runneth over), then I stay stuck in my recovery - I no longer grow,

Humility is the first domino which sets the motion, and just as in Step Three (which for me, has always been the precursor to Step 7, and not in a way that we follow the Steps as in climbing Jacob's ladder, but as in it literally being an extension of), all we need is the willingness to crack open the door, where it "Almost opens by itself". This is why it is said to the the foundation principle of all of the Steps, and this then includes the first six, as well.

And this is where there is room for the atheist, and this is where I have only once, in five years, connected to Step Two, which is not only dedicated entirely to the atheist; which actually tries to convert the atheist. We can absolutely fake it until we make it through the gift of the information given to us in the Seventh Step - the gift of free information. This is why A.A. will NEVER be a cult, and this is why it is a safe place for anyone.

Because humility is what makes all of us belong, it's what connects the sheep to the goats, because even though the enemy requests to sift us like wheat, we are all from the same place, and no matter whether "dry" or "sober", we are all of the same nature, regardless of any further ailments. We are all there for one purpose alone, and if we can raise that bar for ourselves, awesome, really, but if we can only ever achieve Step One and stay alive, and benefit from some sort of manageability in our lives, then that is Good, too.

Where is the solution?

I'm not sure how much I will preach the One True God - I'm not sure that's really the direction that I want to go in. While I love the New Testament, and while I believe that Christ really did appear before me, really, saying literally "Follow me", and nothing more, when I told him in my mind's eye that I was sorry, I really do not believe that I am a Christian. I'm not even sure I ever really was one in first place. 

But I do want to preach real recovery, because five years in, and I still have/seen no real solution. I still see no one around with real sustainable emotional sobriety.  I still see no one who really has "What I want". Sure, we all get inspired, we all get moments of clarity, we all get surges of gratitude where for a brief moment we can be pulled from the mires of our self-pity (and see progress not perfection lol), but how long does that really last? It is immediate relief, but it is more like a tranquilizer than real legitimate medicine that stabilizes us. And at the moment, it is fine, maybe even more than enough. But it is fleeting, because it is only a "tool", not the end product.

So what is the "medicine" (other than actual medicine)? Maybe there is really not supposed to be anything to "recovery" other than actual physical recovery from drugs and alcohol. But for now, I suspect it's to get honest in a way where, we're not being downtrodden, but we're not desperately trying to find stories of these bandaid solutions, either.

While I love the stories, and while I connect with just about every last person in the fellowship, my happiness is not contingent on these moments, I am still left to myself for 23 hours, I am still trying to wrest satisfaction out of life, I still wrestle with God like Jacob, except I must be doing it wrong, since I have not yet mastered Self, let alone become the head of any great Nation! :)

Living life on life's terms has absolutely nothing to do with anything that I have been taught. The only thing that has worked to evade self-destruction is in keeping my responsibilities - going to work (on time) eating healthy, going to meetings, and continuing on as best I can in my craft.

Suit up and show up is the only truth to my recovery today. Slogans, prayer, extending my hand, "getting out of self"...these are all superficial and ultimately inconclusive. This is why so many people can't stay sober, and yet one year medallions for some reason are some sort of beacon of light - they're not! They're not because there is no real proof or example of real recovery, there is only a recognition that a person who has entered a group of (hopefully) ex cheats and liars, has stayed dry.

What is our contribution, what does it even matter? We talk about asking what we can "Pack into the stream of life", when we can't even grasp, let alone practice, Steps Three, Six, and Seven! And how many of us have really "Taken stock honestly", and face-to-face made amends? This is what I question. I cannot continue to exist in my defects, and just live "One day at a time", for me, that is an unacceptable way of life. I want more, and I intend to find it!

Faith without works is dead

There is a woman who I have followed online for years, and who I tried to follow in person (though she deflected me to her protege instead), for whatever reason, probably an unspoken prideful, frustrated feud between us, removed me from my friends' list. 

But that's the not rub - the rub is that she hasn't published anything on her blog or profile since last year. Life happens, right? She's getting married soon, to an amazing man who is so inline with her and her son and her group of companions, a group that I never fit into, because according to them, I wasn't sober if I was on my medication. And I was so desperate, I went off of it for a time. After that I went away from them for a long time. 

Another deterrent was their literature and inspiration consisted mostly of the exorcism kind. And this made sense, because her, them, me, we're all in the business of grabbing the hand of those in hell, and bringing them back to earth. But I didn't have their conviction, their skill in rhetorics, their conversion experiences, their confidence. And another handicap was that I came in prideful, a converted baptized Catholic since 2010, though I did still try to learn from them.

Now I am in my second year of being under spiritual attack, and I feel that I really need these people. But even going back through her blog archives, I can't seem to find the solution. There is simply not enough instruction on prayer, and I am also anti-ritual. But God, her words, her understanding, her complete fearless conviction, I want it so badly.

And when I would come across entries where she was just quoting writers or even longer passages of scripture, I was unsatisfied. And in deciding earlier this week to return to "preaching", I recalled that I really only repost from my two favourite preachers, Spurgeon and Chambers. And they are wonderful, but they aren't "mine". They aren't my inspiration, my creativity, my words. 

I have zero idea what to say, probably because I don't have a direction yet. Something that worked really well from this group, really what their main focus is, is the corruption of the Twelve Step Program of Recovery. This I can get on board with, because there are large gaps between the readings and the recovery. For now, I think the greatest gap is faith without works. 

So I will try to roll with that for now, because I am confident about it, and I see it really not working in the fellowship, yet members saying that they just need to "hand it over", or "pray", or "call someone". No, there's more to it than that, and the frustration and the disappointment and the repetitive struggles are evident when I listen to people who are using these methods. And frankly, it's fake and uninspiring. I dare say it's the reason why the turn-over rate is so high, and the success rate so low.