On humility

I was in a Step Seven study last night, and it was excellent. I didn't have time to give the share that I wanted, but I really wasn't there to preach to anyone on humility of God, when I've been "Driving the bus" myself. :) So this is the perfect opportunity for me to write, and writing leads to better, more clear, more efficient, more influential, sharing.

I came to realize that though I am currently a critic of the Twelve Step program, this makes me vulnerable in the meetings, because I then have to rationalize why I am there, since I have the mentality of a leader and teacher but the reality of being a member with no real solution. So after reading one of Layla N.'s blogs about being shielded by God through prayer when she was entering an environment of adversaries, I also said a little prayer, despite my atheism.

And by no means did I believe I was entering a dangerous situation, but I still felt uncomfortable, I went back to feeling "other than", or "apart from", ultimately the mental symptom. But I have really grown to like this meeting, and I know that I am there for one purpose only at this stage in my recovery - to stay dry! And we differentiate between being "dry" and being "sober" - they have different meanings to us. One is just getting by, the latter is having a sense of purpose in this life that we've ruined. And I am just getting by, but trying.

I know the definition of humility, and in the years I have sat in Step Seven meetings, I have noticed not a single person (I have shared with) knows what the definition is. The "chapters" in the Twelve and Twelve book are called Essays, and some of them are so wordy, and so dated in not only their words and examples used to express points, but in the syntax, as well. The sentences can have the most simple, commonly used words, and they are still a tongue twister! So this is a big reason why it is so difficult to "spot" the definition, or what Bill W. used as the "definition", so this is totally understandable. There sometimes seems to be some runaround in the Big Book and Twelve and Twelve; one might say it's because Bill was a genius, but I suspect rather a lot of it was "fishing" for information/a solution.

So the definition is buried in the middle to the end of the essay (of course, lol), and it is, "Of myself I am nothing - the Father doeth the works." In other words, I am unable to do any good, to "Hand it over", without God's aid: on my own, I am powerless.

And this is what I really connected with last night, regarding my current "condition": If I do not depend on God (and clearly I have some glimmer of faith, since I sent a petition before leaving the house, and was shown He listened when I not only comprehended, but had the cohesive skills to communicate), then I cannot remain open to others, connected to others, and therefore be teachable (my pride runneth over), then I stay stuck in my recovery - I no longer grow,

Humility is the first domino which sets the motion, and just as in Step Three (which for me, has always been the precursor to Step 7, and not in a way that we follow the Steps as in climbing Jacob's ladder, but as in it literally being an extension of), all we need is the willingness to crack open the door, where it "Almost opens by itself". This is why it is said to the the foundation principle of all of the Steps, and this then includes the first six, as well.

And this is where there is room for the atheist, and this is where I have only once, in five years, connected to Step Two, which is not only dedicated entirely to the atheist; which actually tries to convert the atheist. We can absolutely fake it until we make it through the gift of the information given to us in the Seventh Step - the gift of free information. This is why A.A. will NEVER be a cult, and this is why it is a safe place for anyone.

Because humility is what makes all of us belong, it's what connects the sheep to the goats, because even though the enemy requests to sift us like wheat, we are all from the same place, and no matter whether "dry" or "sober", we are all of the same nature, regardless of any further ailments. We are all there for one purpose alone, and if we can raise that bar for ourselves, awesome, really, but if we can only ever achieve Step One and stay alive, and benefit from some sort of manageability in our lives, then that is Good, too.