I'm not sure how much I will preach the One True God - I'm not sure that's really the direction that I want to go in. While I love the New Testament, and while I believe that Christ really did appear before me, really, saying literally "Follow me", and nothing more, when I told him in my mind's eye that I was sorry, I really do not believe that I am a Christian. I'm not even sure I ever really was one in first place.
But I do want to preach real recovery, because five years in, and I still have/seen no real solution. I still see no one around with real sustainable emotional sobriety. I still see no one who really has "What I want". Sure, we all get inspired, we all get moments of clarity, we all get surges of gratitude where for a brief moment we can be pulled from the mires of our self-pity (and see progress not perfection lol), but how long does that really last? It is immediate relief, but it is more like a tranquilizer than real legitimate medicine that stabilizes us. And at the moment, it is fine, maybe even more than enough. But it is fleeting, because it is only a "tool", not the end product.
So what is the "medicine" (other than actual medicine)? Maybe there is really not supposed to be anything to "recovery" other than actual physical recovery from drugs and alcohol. But for now, I suspect it's to get honest in a way where, we're not being downtrodden, but we're not desperately trying to find stories of these bandaid solutions, either.
While I love the stories, and while I connect with just about every last person in the fellowship, my happiness is not contingent on these moments, I am still left to myself for 23 hours, I am still trying to wrest satisfaction out of life, I still wrestle with God like Jacob, except I must be doing it wrong, since I have not yet mastered Self, let alone become the head of any great Nation! :)
Living life on life's terms has absolutely nothing to do with anything that I have been taught. The only thing that has worked to evade self-destruction is in keeping my responsibilities - going to work (on time) eating healthy, going to meetings, and continuing on as best I can in my craft.
Suit up and show up is the only truth to my recovery today. Slogans, prayer, extending my hand, "getting out of self"...these are all superficial and ultimately inconclusive. This is why so many people can't stay sober, and yet one year medallions for some reason are some sort of beacon of light - they're not! They're not because there is no real proof or example of real recovery, there is only a recognition that a person who has entered a group of (hopefully) ex cheats and liars, has stayed dry.
What is our contribution, what does it even matter? We talk about asking what we can "Pack into the stream of life", when we can't even grasp, let alone practice, Steps Three, Six, and Seven! And how many of us have really "Taken stock honestly", and face-to-face made amends? This is what I question. I cannot continue to exist in my defects, and just live "One day at a time", for me, that is an unacceptable way of life. I want more, and I intend to find it!
While I love the stories, and while I connect with just about every last person in the fellowship, my happiness is not contingent on these moments, I am still left to myself for 23 hours, I am still trying to wrest satisfaction out of life, I still wrestle with God like Jacob, except I must be doing it wrong, since I have not yet mastered Self, let alone become the head of any great Nation! :)
Living life on life's terms has absolutely nothing to do with anything that I have been taught. The only thing that has worked to evade self-destruction is in keeping my responsibilities - going to work (on time) eating healthy, going to meetings, and continuing on as best I can in my craft.
Suit up and show up is the only truth to my recovery today. Slogans, prayer, extending my hand, "getting out of self"...these are all superficial and ultimately inconclusive. This is why so many people can't stay sober, and yet one year medallions for some reason are some sort of beacon of light - they're not! They're not because there is no real proof or example of real recovery, there is only a recognition that a person who has entered a group of (hopefully) ex cheats and liars, has stayed dry.
What is our contribution, what does it even matter? We talk about asking what we can "Pack into the stream of life", when we can't even grasp, let alone practice, Steps Three, Six, and Seven! And how many of us have really "Taken stock honestly", and face-to-face made amends? This is what I question. I cannot continue to exist in my defects, and just live "One day at a time", for me, that is an unacceptable way of life. I want more, and I intend to find it!
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