Out with the old

This year coming up is especially important to me. I will be entering my fortieth year, and I have done enough healing work to now reap the fruits of my labour, and to furthermore focus on what I really want, while leaving behind what I don't.

2017 was one hell of a year, and it got sour by day 7, so this new year really isn't about it being a fresh start: chaos doesn't keep a calendar. But what matters is that my birthday is within the first quarter of the new year, so I am really putting a lot of effort into the "idea" of 2018. I am determined to not repeat the actions that do not lead to where I want to be, and I have already begun to let the things that have defined me for the past decade go.

I think I can say with confidence that my thirties were horrible. The crap that I put myself through, and for what? I have no real idea, and now I need to do some real damage control. The way that I defined myself, the way that I presented myself, the power that I gave to anyone other than myself - shall be no more. My biggest goal for 2018 is to not do anything that I did in 2017.

I have a lot to contribute to the world, and so I am now working on how to reveal my talents, which I am still discovering what those are (probably the most frustrating part). Real life hit me like a ton of bricks this year. I am still adjusting to this whole being an adult thing with sadly having nothing to show for it. That's where 2018 comes in.

Fires have gone out and I am exhausted, but I am not depressed. I know that while I am in position to reap some fruit, the cycle doesn't stop, and I must continue to cultivate my aspirations and move along in order to not only feel fulfilled, but to help others in their walks, as well.

It is time for me to transform, to leave the hurt and shame and guilt behind, and to become someone who is not only happy and free, but who can help others be that, as well. For me, the greatest gift is when my sheer presence makes someone feel safe. But today is different, because today I want to recognize my own needs, as well, and start to work toward doing what is necessary to meet my end goals. For the first time a new year really does mean out with the old. 

Just for today

Today I am being reminded that our present moments create our future. Someone who I have been blessed to have entered my life has taught me that "today" is what counts. "Today" is where my thoughts and my intentions really matter. He frustrates me, because one day he seems to be one place and the next day another, but ultimately, does that matter? No, because if he has his peace, then he is doing something very right.

And I recognize that while I have made mistakes moment to moment, every moment is in reality a blank slate. So maybe last night I had a moment that could have negatively impacted my morning today, but I didn't propagate it, and now it's like last night never even happened. This is the miracle of recovering from past traumas.

It might sound confusing, but in reality it is the most basic and reassuring way to live. I no longer am depraved, I no longer need salvation - I just need to live in the moment and remember that my past mistakes don't make up my present self, and that I can really change my direction with one mere step. And eventually, I'll have taken enough steps that I arrive at a destination where I really want to be.

Moving forward

It's much easier for me to take things in stride, or more so to stay focused on the task at hand. Something else that is improving is my ability to let go of thoughts and situations that can be harmful or suffocating to my spiritual (and therefore physical) health. 

Things that used to break me I can instead now recognize as not being God's will, and I can trust that there is something better, often something I can't even imagine at the time. I have suffered from giving other people so much power - I remember when I was in high school, a guy who I had a crush on threw a party and his house got trashed. He had to move out of the city to live with his dad, and I would call him. The next month my mom got the phone bill and said something I will never forget, "He sure isn't calling you." Wow, it was decades ago, but stings like it was yesterday, because it was true. This is a pattern for me - not caring enough for myself, when those around me who I am empowering, are doing just fine.

It can be hard to look out for myself though, because I like to people-please. This is not a good thing! People pleasing is not about being a selfless or kind person, it is about being co-dependent, which is rooted in dishonesty, resentment, and fear - it is a real sickness that can be damaging to all persons involved. In pushing through co-dependency habits, I now learn how to draw that line of being polite and parting company, and that might require guidance from someone who has gone before me in that path.

And yet today when I am feeling desperate, in survival mode, I know how to put first things first, which is to pray, and get my daily chores and duties done, even if I am exhausted. Right now I have to take it an hour at a time, actually half an hour at a time. Remorse and bitterness can overpower me and I don't always have my support system to carry me through to the next moment. This is when I try to take it easy, which for me means to not take things so seriously, and to trust the outcome. With practice though action and the encouragement from trusted people, having faith is getting a lot more easy.

In the moment

I have been pulling the same cards from my Dragon (Diana Cooper) and Unicorn (Doreen Virtue) card decks, so I am either not shuffling well (that's almost for certain), or the message needs to be reinforced for now. It seems to me that I should remember first and foremost to be grounded. That means no flowery excess, and no living in any other moment than now. 

Awareness is priority at this time, because I need to gracefully adjust and accept the changes that are coming into my life. While the changes are wonderful, I tend to "drop the ball" at crunch time. I suspect this has something to do with nerves, or with self-sabotaging/self-fulfilling prophecy. A big struggle also is an insatiable need for control, or conversely a nauseating fear of losing it, which can be excruciating, and typically precedes the crash and burn.

It's important for me to really know what I want, and what I don't want. Unfortunately, it is oftentimes difficult to understand that these are intertwined and so I must put them both into perspective - not at all easy! Therefore I will meditate on what I do want, so when the things I don't want seep in, like the intrusive thoughts that can lead to destructive actions, I will be so in-the-moment of living out my dreams and accomplishing my goals, that self-destructive habits cannot take over.

Breath is my greatest tool, and while the basic ingredient of life, also the most easy to neglect! But by remembering to breathe, I am instantly returned to the present moment, and that is where I begin to build. There ought to be no fear in creating, for as Dr. Kent M. Keith wrote, which was adopted by Mother Teresa, "What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway."

When in the present, life is not overwhelming, and the heavy burden of control is not on me. It's in the pure moments of being present where there is no fear and no consequence, there is only God and reassurance that if I follow certain guidelines, I will be more than alright. There is only the task at hand, and if I permit sanity through my breath, I am empowered to believe that everything will be alright, and that is where I find peace.

A prayer for the comfort of the world

Heavenly Father,
lift us up in our times of difficulty.
Remind us that we are your beloved, your masterpiece,
and that you wish us no harm.
Remind us that we can help ourselves and those around us,
by believing in your steadfast love,
which gives us the strength to carry on.

Plant in our hearts charity,
so that we may remember the needy
and keep them in our prayers,
especially during this sometimes difficult time of year,
so that we might give what we would rather not,
because we care about all life on earth,
and wish for all to live in dignity and hope.

Do not let us be discouraged
when we seem so small
For our prayers will reach others, as well as You.
And will be answered, by receiving Your peace.
Exult us, as we You, so that when the time comes
for us to be tested, we might be victorious
in knowing that we have done good.

Test the teachers

I am part of a from New Age to Christianity recovery group on Facebook, which is a bit of a long story so I'll try to summarize in a few sentences. I somehow came across one of Doreen Virtue's tarot card readings on YouTube, I don't even remember how, and thought it was amazing. I felt healed, and that feeling never really left me, and this happened in the summer. (That was to be one of her last readings). I then ordered a deck of her Angel Therapy oracle cards, and less than an hour later I came across another video saying that she was denouncing most of her work, because she converted to Christianity. Wow, that was a low blow for me, especially as a Christian I was always nervous about tarot and things like that. I joined a Doreen Virtue Angel Therapy group shortly after this shock (it really was a shock), and there I discovered that she was an administrator in the Christian group, which I promptly joined. She is really a nice lady, I like her a lot, but she left the group. She reportedly deactivated her personal account as she sorted out the challenges of transitioning from becoming a New Age guru (one of, if not the top selling authors and lecturers), however after spending a bit of time in this Facebook group, I think it is really because it is so extreme and fundamental, she in reality struggled with holding on to some of her New Age values while still fitting in.

Today's article inspiration is aided by my "Dragon Oracle Cards" by Diana Cooper, and the topic is on one of the threads that I posted in this morning. The person who started the discussion has a friend who is a wonderful woman, a nurse, and who is also a medium. She cannot reconcile that this friend of hers will go to hell, which all Bible-only believers will claim. Because it is a Bible-only group, and my favourite Facebook group, I play by their rules, so to speak, because I have great respect and even admire them. I don't engage in debate and I do not come from a Catholic stance. Lately, as I have been delving further into my New Age/Rosicrucian studies, most notably with cards decks, I have been less active in the group, but I tend to miss them. So this morning I visited and posted a bit. I exceptionally like Mondays, because they close on Sundays. While I try to keep my Catholic faith out of the group (it's a good idea to not irritate the administrators), today I just had to pipe in, and reassure her that according to Catholic Tradition, it is HIGHLY unlikely that her friend will go to hell.

And it reminded me of what my priest has drilled into me for years that never really registered until now: Catholics wrote the Bible - so therefore there is no way AT ALL, zero, zip, zilch way, that the Catholic faith is inconsistent, or contradicts the Bible. A-ha! Why on earth would the traditions not align with the Bible? The New Testament is very small, the apostles were being killed and they needed to ensure that the message of the gospel would be preserved, and so there is no detail of anything other than Jesus' birth, his message of healing and forgiveness, his death and resurrection, followed by some letters Paul wrote in order to help the early churches that were falling into dissent (growing pains).

The Catechism, the Catholic Church's official treaty, is about ten times thicker than the Bible, and THAT is where we go to understand the faith (the Bible). It can be surmised that any denomination other than Catholicism has fallen into the trap of abiding by man-made teachings (notable examples include Martin Luther, King James, King Henry VIII, and John Calvin), and have in one way or another misinterpreted the message of the gospel. While my favourite preachers are Reformed Christians (mostly Presbyterian), we are to TEST the spirits, for many false teachers have come into the world (1 John 4) and now I realize (Thanks be to God) what it means to test the spirits: Are the teachings in alignment with that of COMPASSION AND FORGIVENESS? If there is any verse that has been used to condemn, then there is one conclusion: the interpretation has been perverted and is NOT Christian.

A common failure, a common solution

I've been doing really well with my program. It hasn't been easy - it's been nearly a full year of multiple fourth and fifth steps which are not easy because it's hard to accept that I need to let certain people go when I don't want to, and it can be humiliating to share with another person what I have done and the consequences of my actions. But by the grace of God, I don't want to continue to suffer and to continue to let that misery infiltrate into different parts of my life. It has been exhausting work, and it's been really hard to break destructive patterns, but I think that is fully acceptable. 

I've been reading Hazelden's Twenty-four Hours a Day (December 13), and the past few days it's been trying to help us focus on what the fellowship is truly about. I found today's reading to be so clear and precise, and the EXACT reason why people fail, or succeed, in A.A.:

"(Fellowship) is based on a common illness, a common failure, and a common problem. It goes deep down into our personal lives and our personal needs. It requires a full opening up to each other of our inmost thoughts and most secret problems. All barriers between us are swept aside. They have to be. Then we try to help each other get well. The A.A. fellowship is based on a sincere desire to help each other get well."

WOW! Yes, and this is where we need the utmost humility and therefore trust in God. And the recognition of this life-destroying disease is why I have been doing well. Sure, I get consumed with people in the program whether because of jealousy, fear, intimidation, resentment, disappointment, and even more, I can delve into little pity-parties where I have nothing of use to share in meetings, but today I can really quickly bring it back to why I am there - I have a disease of mind and body that has affected my entire life, and I have found the solution in the rooms of A.A.

Humility is not about being humiliated, it's about believing that we will recover IF we have the capacity to be honest! People who need the program are programmed to drink, and being deprogrammed to not drink takes incredible strength, resiliency (which alcoholics intuitively are) and courage! It's not easy and there are MANY dark moments, but those who are successful are those who share about those moments, and then go on to help others who continue to suffer. 

I am so grateful to be in the company of others like me - as the literature says, we who had become all-time losers. Life is about sacrifice and helping each other and lifting each other up, and we find meaning and comfort in our new lives. There is no shame in A.A., there is no shame in having a problem and at failing. There is only hope for recovery.

Sharing

My mission is becoming more apparent - to help clear the energy blocks that Gaia is suffering from, so that we all might be able to live with more peace and joy. One way that I can accomplish this is through my writing - my one innate talent. 

We are creative beings, and when we create we are sharing with others something beautiful that often times we don't recognize on a conscious level. We empower ourselves when we create and share, and that in turn empowers others through inspiration. But it takes real courage to not only work with our creative sides, but then to also display it. As a result, many people shy away from their true creativity, and feel unfulfilled, because they are not rising to their true nature's standards and aspirations. 

Often times, we need help to create something, and this is also where sharing happens. We need feedback or encouragement, or hints or aids on how to get something done. When we work with others for our own creative goals, lots of people benefit, because it becomes a snowball effect: the energy gains momentum and goes father, reaching more and more people. 

One of the ways that we get stuck in our creativity, is we feel we need to work on our own, but it is through connection with others that our real healing begins, and in a way, all creative outlets, whether meek or grandeur, is ultimately for our own sense of mental and spiritual well-being. It takes strength to share, strength to connect, and strength to create, but when we do, the weight of the world doesn't seem to be quite so heavy.

Seek ye heaven

For me, first things first is my recovery, because without my sobriety, I have nothing, including God. 

I need to make decisions everyday to work on my program - to take time for my readings, to take personal inventory, to have the humility to trust others and talk out any problems or concerns that I am having, in order to keep my mind clear and not repeat poor decision making patterns. 

For me, heaven is within, this is consistent with both my program and my faith, in fact, the two compliment each other to the point that they are now inseparable in my life. Some people when qualifying to be blessed enough to be in A.A. still want to make first things first about God and THEN about needing recovery, but for me, I have tried that, and it doesn't work for me. If I could have turned my life around on the Church alone, I would have, gladly. 

I need to start my day being grateful, and yes this is God working through me, but if I don't recall immediately that I am screwed because I am insane and obsessive, then there is no space for God to work through me, because then I am rejecting grace by being defiant. 

In order for me to really get better and be joyous and free, I need to remember first that I need a program of recovery which is preceded by a fellowship. The only way that I can have a fulfilling life is to paradoxically see clearly my weakness. It is through acceptance, and nothing else, that I may be happy, but without a program, living a spiritually-based life will not be found.

The Golden Age

Earth is in a limbo stage, as we currently transition from the Age of Aquarius to the Golden Age. From 2012 until 2032, Earth will undergo a massive purge, as we ascend to the fifth dimension of love, understanding, respect, and dignity.

Gaia has already begun to release from her pain and lower energies, and as life on Earth is the closest, we have begun to experience the brunt of it. Health issues are rampant, and distress in developed nations also exemplify this painful shift. But while we suffer in this purge, it is only the refiner's fire - as Christ said, these things must first take place. 

Extra dimensional beings in the angelic realms are constantly assisting, guiding, and refuelling us, and some of us are also learning how to transmute for our benefit, and the benefit of all forms of life on Earth - these are the trailblazers who go unnoticed, however once in contact with them, you will recognize their power immediately, and you might be discovering that you yourself are a lightworker. 

There are many resources and support groups to help us gracefully make sense of this transition into the Golden Age, and it is becoming more and more acceptable to honour the light within us that is to burn in passion for the soothing of Gaia's glorious ascent. Many beings from the angelic realms have been with us for eons, and are ready to come to our aid at any time. 

One of the best ways to cope with the ascension symptoms, which aren't only physical but can also seem like spiritual attacks, is to hone our healing gifts, and to help protect all life forms. This will not only help Gaia, but will also help ourselves to ease the discomfort that we are experiencing.

Curiosity

I have had quite the day. A big set back that happened last week has left me feeling desperate and vulnerable, but today I have tools to recognize destructive patterns, and correct them. I fought for my mental health today, and in the end, I won. My new oracle cards came today, and this is the one that I pulled from my Doreen Virtue Magical Unicorns deck.

As I was fighting for my peace of mind today, I realized that I really do like the interests that I have, because the interests that I have work toward understanding this life. What is more important than life, than living life on life's terms? Who can do that? 

Sometimes I really don't like myself. I feel that I got dealt a rotten hand, or maybe that I didn't fold when I should have, and I lost nearly everything. I made bad decisions that nearly killed me and will take time to now maneuver around. One thing that I'm left with that really bothers me is an eccentric curiosity for the obscure. I am very emotion-based, not too logical, not too skilled, not to social, and these things have incapacitated me for most of my life. 

But I had an "ah-ha" moment at the end of my despair today, and it was that, I have in fact had a lot of success in my life, because I am sober. Not only have I defeated the darkness within me, I have accomplished feats that would make even a non-addict skirmish. 

And life matters! How we got here matters, why there is pain matters, why we have 1% elite and the rest mostly in poverty matters. I want to know about these things. I want to help. 

Hedwig's Theme

I was going to pull myself out of the in-studio recital next week, but I was able to work one-on-one with my teacher on Friday, and we really cleaned it up. My tutu is a bit snug, but I think it will do. I generally have little luck with costumes anyway. At this point, I have accepted that I will never be a "real" performer with great costumes, they will always be a little ill-fitting or not flattering in style or colour, and that has to be okay - I would rather be grateful that I go through costumes now, whereas before, I was trying to be this visual artist with no experience of actually showcasing. 

I'm pretty happy with the dance. I am not too advanced or experienced in managing stage fright, so I keep my pieces simple and clean. Fortunately I have really strong technique, so I can make basic movements look really pretty and fluid. 

I'll be starting contemporary dance classes in the winter, I have no experience in contemporary or modern dance, so it will be good to learn. I am not sure if I'll stick with ballet, it will be hard to make my way to class twice a week with the winter coming and my real desire to attend more meetings. 

There will be some improvisation with the contemporary class which makes me a little nervous, but I don't think it will be much different to working out spacing and movements in pieces that I create. I would have preferred to have stayed with ballet, but that class is being cancelled - I am pretty much the only person who attends it. It's unfortunate, it was the most advanced class, but more people like contemporary, so they might be more willing to attend class after work on a Friday night. It's not the best time for class, but it's nice because it's the only class on Fridays, and we can go straight into the studio to warm up. 

Taking contemporary will really change my style and loosen me up. Not in the flexibility sense, but rather in it being a less rigid style of dance. I'd like to think I'm looking forward to it.

Ignorance

The Buddhist philosophy asserts that suffering is based on ignorance, and isn't this true?

I know that I have been suffering over something that seems just so tragic, but when I really break it down (notwithstanding the intellectual experiential understanding that this will soon pass and really won't matter to me anymore), I suffer because I simply do not have all the facts. I do not know what the other person is feeling (or was feeling before the fight), I don't know how vital character differences could have handicapped either of us as time went on, and I don't know if there is someone who I (and he) can much better get along with, based on more reasonable commonalities. 

I ignore the problems that existed in vain desperation to right any wrongs, and mostly, I want absolution more than reconciliation, because I feel guilty. So now what? Well, the usual - self survey, confession, and restitution for the renewal of my mind, so that the obsession, and the fear, might be lifted.

And then there can be forgiveness, both to myself, and to the person whom I felt harmed me. Until I do the work, all I have in me is rot. Blame, hatred, self-pity, and remorse. Therefore, all I can do now is look at my own actions, assumptions, and words. God doesn't want me to suffer - he sent His son so that I might never suffer. I need to use the tools laid out at my feet so that I can go to the foot of the Cross and say, "I'm healed. Thank you, God." Amen

Seek then receive

If I will receive my desires BECAUSE  I seek after the kingdom of God FIRST, then I really need to know HOW to seek the kingdom, or better yet, know WHY I need to seek it.

Double-minded

I would very much like to talk about something that will not find its way onto my Facebook page, as it could be a stumbling block for members in Alcoholics Anonymous. In other words, my brethren. Furthermore, I do not post under my real name on this blog, so I am still keeping in tradition with the program, which states we must maintain personal anonymity at the level of press. 

I think it's important to address the side of A.A. which can have the fellowship turned into a witch hunt: A.A. is rooted in occult values. This is evident in some of its writings, and in its symbolism. It is rumoured that the reason why Dr. Bob, the co-founder, got sober, was because his membership from his Masonic lodge was suspended for his drunkenness

Bill W., the other co-founder, was connected to Carl Jung, accredited for being a key player in the start of A.A., and who wrote on the subject of symbolism - "language" used to conceal truer meanings (but which are also used for convenience). Symbolism is studied in the occult, and is considered "secret" knowledge - where their meanings are only to be disclosed to certain audiences.

Furthermore, A.A. was also given its powers through the elite one percent (sometimes called the Illuminati, the NWO [New World Order], or Luciferians, to name a few titles). This is because the Rockefeller's gave the co-founders the money they needed to get A.A. off the ground (mostly, to publish its book, Alcoholics Anonymous, which we in the fellowship affectionately call "The Big Book", and is the stable representation used to identify us).

But A.A. is also rooted in Christian values, which in part was inherited from its predecessor, The Oxford Group, a six-step deliverance group (Bill W. not only became a professing Christian while in this group, but he saw that alcoholics were not so well received, and so he started A.A. with Dr. Bob, also a Christian, and together, they doubled the Steps, making it easier to follow, and to which Bill said he was pleased to see that there were twelve, as was the number of Christ's disciples).

We cannot blame A.A. for being rooted in the occult, or that it got its start on corrupted money, because America itself is double-minded and is rooted in both the occult elite, and the humble Christian. It is just about impossible for the Christian to stay on the narrow path, as was also true for the Jews in ancient Israel. This is NORMAL, though not ideal, and yet, we strive for the ideal in working the Steps.

A.A. is not divinely inspired, as so many profess it is in meetings. In fact, I believe it has a curse on it, and this is where we see its failures that manifest in such things as low success rate, poor sponsorship, grave misunderstanding of the Steps, archaic and unclear chapters in the literature, and members who try to use the program as their main source for spirituality. But I do know that it saved my life, and this is because Christ is my real and true saviour, and he permitted my admittance into the fellowship.

And I do not brag! Attaining humility is the ultimate and final goal in A.A., and I am humble, because as a Christian I do not boast in myself, but in the Cross! This is what the Apostle Paul said in his letters to the Galatians and the Corinthians, and this is what I say to you, dear reader.

Yet with this said, A.A. cannot be a religion, because alcoholism is not prejudiced, and we are no ministry! We are sick, defective, broken people trying to stay alive! Being a deliverance group, I believe, is what made the Oxford Group fail (amongst other reasons, which is why in A.A. we have Traditions that keep us in line, such as maintaining personal anonymity).

I would truly love to share this post on other sites but I love A.A. and it's people, it really is a "We program", and I cannot be sober without it. So I will not frighten or defy my people. I also must remember that I was chosen by Christ to follow him before I got sober and before I was a dedicated member of A.A., though I had no humility. But today I work through the Steps in order to receive the peace that Christ died for me to have. So while I believe that A.A. is cursed, it has paradoxically been an avenue for me to lift mine and my family's curse. 

Looking at the parts of myself that I don't like, acknowledging when my security feels threatened by others, and confessing what I have done wrong, or what hurts me when I believe I have done nothing wrong, can only be found in Alcoholics Anonymous, nowhere else. God works in mysterious ways, and if mystery schools have given way to my new life, which has made possible for me to walk the way of Christ, then not "so moot it be", but rather, "so be it". I believe in change, because I am an example of it, and I really truly hope that there will be a reformation within A.A., where we move forward in recovery and therefore away from its occult heritage.

Receiving

Usually, it seems that we don't receive from God what we want. 

But, do we really know what we want?

So many times, I have looked back on all of the disappointments I have experienced, and think, THANK GOD that never materialized! In fact, for most of them. The only thing I feel I never received, which I needed, was a whole family,. But, maybe even that was an intentional plan for me, so that I could be who I am today - someone who is strong and disciplined. Someone who I am *starting* to really like! 

My life has seemed to have been mostly downhill, but four years ago today, it began to change, in a most miraculous way. Why? I decided to not pick up a drink, and to seek help for my illness. I changed my life, I began to heal and to heal my wounded family as well, or what's left of it. 

It sounds like a cliché, and I know it's not comforting in the throes of dejection, but while we might not get what we want, we will get what we need. I know that this is hard to accept, especially when so many people do not have the basic necessities, but I can't appeal to everyone. I know (literally through the statistics Blogger provides) that my audience is not from poor countries. So please, try to *receive* this message with an open mind.

What do you have to be grateful for? There is surely at least one thing that you can hold onto. And guess what, when you practice gratitude, you are doing God's will, believe it or not. And then when you practice gratitude regularly, it becomes a habit, and that gives way to it becoming a state of being, which is REALLY God's will!

When we don't get what we (think we) want, it's really not so bad, because when we are living in God's will of being continuously grateful, while there might be a dull feeling of disappointment or sadness, deep down we know that they are but superficial (and fleeting) feelings. We can remember with confidence that our feelings can betray us, and that our seemingly pressing matter is really not all that important for our journey unto everlasting life.

Rather, when we live in God's will, whatever the challenge, there is no fear or anger; there is only the joy in knowing that the one thing in the world that truly matters, we are doing right, and with great blessings. Amen.

My solo

I've decided to document my experience of creating my dance for the December performance. I had a private lesson last night, just because it's a small class and it so happened no one showed up. So my teacher and I worked entirely on my dance. She is also a composer, and she showed me some awards that she won at a festival where she entered her music. This really inspired me, especially since it was a long uphill battle for this sort of recognition. Plus her marketing is fearless, and it taught me that as artists, we really aren't as we appear to the world - we are enigmas, not to be taken at face value.

She told me that we don't know where our work will take us and to start sharing my art, my passion. Just start! I told her that I don't even know where to start. We have always been encouraged to study a bit everyday, even just ten minutes. But when I watch ballet dancers on YouTube, I have been progressively getting really, really frustrated. When I was a bit younger, I could be a bit inspired by these professional dancers, but more recently, I have felt so inflexible, so weak, so mortal. I feel like I have regressed. So what's the point?

I felt so unmotivated, I told her that my time is up. I said if I make a *start* preparing my art for the world, I should do it with writing, what I know I am really good at. She said to write about my experiences in dance, and that I need to make a decision with the way I feel I am right now: it's up to me alone. She suggested I start with studying Degas, the famous painter who had a precise eye and love for ballet and lines, and to go from there. This really works for me, this is manageable.

It still seems a bit overwhelming, but I *feel* I am losing my art. This cannot happen. My weight gain that started at the end of August, doubled with not taking the performance class (where I forfeited choreography) makes me *feel* so far removed, I almost feel like I'm grieving, even though I'm still in class (in the studio) two times a week.

Last night it changed though, and I've been anticipating (hoping for) this change, but I thought it would come through a different form or discipline. The change actually started that morning, when I met with my priest for the first time in a very long time, maybe well over a year, and where I received guidance, and then absolution. Then I had a real rehearsal, by myself the way a principle dancer, the highest rank, does. I worked so hard, but I still felt so weak, and yet I knew it was my time to start again. So for the first time in a long time, I went to the grocery store and bought fruits and vegetables, and some dairy. 

I got home after a long day, I meditated as taught by my priest in our meeting, and after class and a full day of eating so healthy that my Irritable Bowel Syndrome didn't even act up, I lost a couple of pounds. I still feel injured and inflexible, but I have united with my craft once more. I *feel* back on track. I needed a miracle, I really did, and something really special happened: I am redirected.

Trusting God

Can we be certain that God "knows" or "understands" us and our desires? Is it really safe to "Let go and let God"? This is something that I have struggled with up until this present time. With hard work and a strong support system securely in place, I have been able to loosen my overbearing need for control, and I have begun my trudge of being healed. In the past, I have been so dejected that I wanted to turn to the dark arts (supposing they actually work) so that I could manipulate situations to suit my desires - desires that I had twisted beyond recognition to appear as though they were instead needs. 

Today I do feel more confident that God knows my heart, that He knows me (my potential, my true standing), and that I am safe. Today I really believe that with a pure heart (me at my most basic core), I can never be harmed by anyone with malicious intent. This includes the judgements that I feel are placed on me. And that's okay to be judged, because I know I do it too. In fact, I believe that my tendency to judge and "project" really just stem from my seemingly innate want to control people. And today I suspect that I want to control people, because deep down, I am terrified of them. But this no longer needs to be the case. Friend or Foe? How about, another human being who probably has also been corrupted, but who perhaps can enforce more healthy (or any) coping mechanisms. 

If I am able to "let go" of what I want others to see, or what I conversely want to see, nothing matters. Nothing at all! Just "First things first": go to work, maintain the amends that I made to my family, and remember to ALWAYS be grateful for the gift of being led to a life of sobriety, a life that today is founded on restitution and re-birth. This is true recovery.

When it rains, it pours, but sometimes there was such a drought, it was necessary. I have found that things fall apart at the same time, all at once, and then they come back together, all at once. And in the calm after the storm, I see that I am better for it, so much better, on an Emotional IQ level. More compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and release, which includes the wreckage made by my own hand.

I believe that angels are real, and they communicate to me daily. Their message is to remind me to not hold on to my own plans and designs so tightly, and that when a turn happens that might begin a chapter in which I am not pleased to be the star of, it's really not so bad. God never presents a problem that there is no solution to, and today I really believe this from my core. And this, I believe, is trusting God.

Saving faith

Today's Jesus card reading is about the faith that will save us.

But is faith a gift from God that we receive, is it only offered to some, or is it something that we autonomously search after?

Faith really is something that we are not given, though it can be achieved by all. Faith is not a gift, as shown by the woman who was hemorrhaging, and this is why those who believe in God's love and compassion are truly, truly blessed and are the salt of the earth. However, the faithful are not immune to dejection, and therefore must remain strong in their conviction, continually seeking after it, because Jesus is not of this world, and in so, neither is hope.

If you have faith, if you even have the slightest bit of hope HOLD ON to it, and let nothing get in it's way. That morsel of hope is going to save your very life, and the lives of countless others. People who are so hurt, people who want to die, or who are planning their deaths, your morsel of hope can rescue them. Your faith, even the size of a mustard seed, is worth its weight in gold. Respect it, nurture it, and above all do not be ashamed of it!

Cherish your faith and the peace that it bestows. Don't confuse your peace for mundanity, show others the hope that you invest in, and see how exhilarating and meaningful life becomes. Faith is not a gift, God didn't make us to be robots who have no free will. Choose God, choose faith, choose peace, and choose to save others. Amen

Ask in peace

Today's card reading is about receiving what we ask for in prayer.

Jesus tells us that we can move mountains when we have the faith that we can. In previous lessons, we learn that God only 'answers" our prayers when we ask in accordance with His will, however today's verse shows us that with incredible and unwavering trust in God's power, we can really have ANYTHING we want!

BUT there is a catch :) We must have a CLEAN heart before praying. This means that we must have NO resentments towards others! So how can we receive from the Father without blemish?

We confess our sins to one another. This is the starting point, and this is where we find real healing begin; this is where we become open to receive all that we desire for the peace and joy that we all crave. This is true repentance, and this is where humility begins, for this is where we REALLY start to trust God, and put Him first.

Do you harbour ill feelings towards a person? If you do, just think ahead - think of what you want, for God WANTS you to be happy! Go to someone who you trust, then go and pray in gratitude for the opportunity and wisdom that God bestowed upon you to be healed and prosperous. Then, when you are prepared to go to God with your petition, be ready to experience miracles, because they WILL happen! Amen. 

On Calvinism

Okay, I just HAVE to post this person's comment, it is utterly brilliant and I believe spot on. WOW. He is on Facebook, and his name is Stephan Joseph. He's just a regular guy posting in forums, I only mention him as a source. For those who are not aspiring theologians, Calvinism is one of the first branches of Christianity that broke from the Catholic Church in the 16th century. For the record, I do really like a lot of Reformed preachers, but this is just AWESOME. 

"Calvinism is cancer. With few exceptions of a couple brothers I met online everyone I know that’s a Calvinist personally had a profound emotional breakdown at some point and then either left the faith or backslid into complacency, pride and ineffectiveness. 

Why is it that Christians just talk about Jesus constantly and Calvinists talk about Calvinism? 

You will notice it. They are infamous for it. Men like Piper or McArthur and RC Sproul have absolutely cult like followings that hold them and even men of the past like Luther and Calvin up as new Apostles. 

There’s no room to disagree with them not substantively. 

The root of it all is a concept called Divine Determinism which is the spiritual equivalent of atheism. 

The Muslims, Gnostics, Calvinists and Atheists all hold that man cannot freely decide his fate but that ultimately God decides because man is not free from his nature. 

Now an atheist can hold to morality but has NO logical reason to do so. A Calvinist can hold to hope but has no grounds for it. He may or may not be “elect” he may or may not be “predestined” and I use quotes around those words because they utterly redefine them from the Jewish application in Scripture regarding Gods purposes for and in Christ and for Israel etc in rejecting Ishmael/ Edom and accepting Issac. It’s a denial of what an ordinary person means when they say free will. It’s a denial that God actually loves every person in the world the same way and impartially. It’s logical denial that man can be responsible for sin because God has made man born unable to respond! 

It’s filled with innumerable horrors and iniquities in history, abuses of reason, denial of plain scripture.

It was based on the ignorant ramblings and renderings of a man in the 5th century named Augustine that had no knowledge of Greek, or of Jewish culture or context, that was interpreted by a lawyer in the 1500’s and you get Calvinism. 

It’s a philosophy that makes God untrustworthy and double minded in that He offers salvation to those that cannot reach out for it. It makes Satan more single minded in his hatred of mankind than God is in His love for us. Satan desires that ALL damned and God does not desire that all be saved. 

In short it’s an exaltation of Gods Power over His Love when the Scripture never said “God IS Power” but rather Power belongs to God. It does say “God IS Love” 

But other than that it’s fine."

Green growth

Today my angel card readings of the immediate past, present, and future, were all directed to my studies in ballet, more so, to performance in this why-am-I-still-doing-this fine art. (Funnily enough, it's World Ballet Day).

Green was a major sign, connecting all three cards, and this was special because I have not yet had a reading where all three of the cards were connected. My immediate past was spot on too, and when we say immediate, we mean it. I am referring to last night, to returning to the studio, begrudgingly, after a two month hiatus, and after making major plans in my schedule causing this hiatus that sadly fell through, for reasons left unconcerned to you, dear reader. 

One thing that green symbolizes, other than so many wonderful and positive attributes (and has always been one of, if not my favourite, colours), is inexperience. Well, after having studied ballet for over ten years, not including in childhood, to the point of incredible growth and even to the extent of injury, I am still a novice, especially when it comes to performance. Ballet it so intense, and to have ever been a professional, I needed to have been studying it during the really formative years, in middle and high school, which I wasn't.

Still, I am grateful to have gently been brought back into ballet, because it has enriched my life, even outside of the studio. But I still get flustered in the city open classes: my flexibility is still not full, and I can't pick up choreography in one-go. I still don't dance en pointe, and I am only confident doing what I have learnt in class, which has been really just one teacher this entire time, meticulously correcting us to the point I feel confident with what I have directly learnt, but not dancing what I have seen others do. I have learnt only basic choreography, without really big jumps, and after a rotten 2017, and change in medication which caused some weight gain, I simply don't feel I have the "ballerina" body that I feel I need in order to compensate for my short-comings. 

However, I do have a good teacher, who is inspirational and who reminds us that with clean technique, we can do anything. And I do have clean technique. I have professional-level technique. In fact, I am astounded at the sloppiness that I see when I am (privileged enough) to observe company morning classes. But I have the sloppiness in my discipline instead, and this affects my flexibility, which has always been my Achilles heel. And now it affects my body image. I am not condemned to this extra five or so pounds, though. I can *easily* do more exercise, sit-ups, whatever. 

And though I feel that my inexperience and limitations are glaring, we don't get better at something unless we do it. I also remind myself of what my friend said about this time last year, when I was about to perform at an in-studio, recital (with stage fright) - very few people can do what I do. And it's true. Besides, I think Hedwig would have appreciated me dancing to her theme song.

"Present"

All things are possible

Today's Jesus card reading is a difficult one to write upon, I felt there was not enough background information in it. So I went to the passage in the Bible in order to make better sense of it.

"He answered, 'Because of your little faith [your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God]; for I assure you and most solemnly say to you, if you have [living] faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and [if it is God’s will] it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.'" (Matthew 17.20)

As I searched in the Amplified Bible Version, I saw that the passages leading up to today's Jesus card was when the disciples could not drive the demon out from the infected sufferer, a child, at that (Matthew 17. 15-6). When they left, feeling utterly dejected, they in private asked Jesus, "Lord, why could we not exorcise this demon?" (Matthew 17.14-20). Jesus replied, "Because of your little faith (lack of trust and confidence) (Ibid).

And this is what today's message is - no matter how unsure you are, no matter how inadequate you feel, no matter how full of rot you believe to have festering in you - tell the devil "NO! Go back to where you came from!"

Fake it till you make it, and I will witness to you a hundred times over, you WILL make it, in every challenge in your life, whether it be spiritual or secular. Say affirmations, read spiritual literature, get out of that chair you've been sitting in for the past few hours and (try to) touch your toes, take a shower, put on a new set of clothing. But more importantly, repeat to yourself that you are a child of God. Repeat it until is so ingrained in you, not only do you start to believe it, it becomes effortless to remember and call upon it.

Jesus promises us that with the faith of a mustard seed - a tiny seed that dies and and then grows very quickly into a very large tree that houses the birds, gives shade to the weary, and provides nourishment for us - our smallness is deceiving. We have the Power of God propelling us, and therefore NOTHING is impossible (Matthew 17.20). Amen.

Saving faith

Today's Jesus card is living in the peace that is given to us when we have faith in our Lord and Saviour.

Once again, we have the reoccurring theme of salvation through faith. In today's reading I would like to emphasize on the faith that with God, all things are possible, and this is also a short theme in the predecessor reading. 

Even when all of our resources are deplenished, even when we feel totally alone and abandoned, even when we have let ourselves and those around us down, and have to count from minute to minute just to survive - when we have a real trust in God, a real praise for Him, we will soon and miraculously see that he will repay us when we suffer alongside him, He WILL give us what we both want and need (Deuteronomy 30.3).

This is God's promise to all of us, absolutely all of us. Hurt, suffer, cry, yell, kick the wall, but never forget that God is right there, and at anytime you want to collapse to the floor, he will cover you completely with his healing love and protection. And when you rise, remember to testify, remember that God healed you of your madness, and prosperity will soon follow you (Jeremiah 29.11).

So go in peace, let your cross be lifted high in the faith that God WILL DELIVER YOU!! (Psalm 50.15) Amen.

Ask and ye shall receive

Today's Jesus card reading is about receiving our heart's desires.

But unlike what Doreen Virtue (The author of these cards) used to teach about the laws of attraction and abundance, and what she today recognizes to be false, this teaching by Jesus is not about wishing on stars, or focussing really really hard to get what we want. Rather once again, it is about pure faith - the same unfettered faith that saves us.

This is a very confusing teaching, because this sentence on it's own makes it appear that we can have anything, and yet the Christian knows this simply is not so. Our flesh is never to get what it wants. for our commandment is to die to the flesh (Romans 8.13). So I pulled up the verses leading to today's card for reference:

"Do not doubt in his heart [in God’s unlimited power], but believes that what he says is going to take place, it will be done for him [in accordance with God’s will]. For this reason I am telling you, whatever things you ask for in prayer [in accordance with God’s will], believe [with confident trust] that you have received them, and they will be given to you." (Mark 11. 23-4)

So we need to really understand God's will before sending our requests. For me, if I really want something in a situation, but I sincerely do not know if it's what is best for me, or for any others who might be involved, I pray only that I act in accordance with God's will. To only pray to act in God's will is the greatest message in today's reading, because God will provide what we need. So let us default to asking what we need in times of not understanding what is best for us, knowing very well what we want, but also having an open enough mind to recognize that it might not actually be good for us. 

To ask in earnest faith is to submit to God's will - to say, "Let me live in accordance with your Will - Thy will be done", with confident trust, we do not need to ask God for what we wish - we don't even want to. 

Greater works

Today's card reading is about doing as great works as Jesus!

I have always appreciated this teaching: I love anything that tells me how great I can be! And all I have to do is believe that Christ will save me - I don't even have to fully understand, I just have to accept his peace :) "Lord, I believe - help me with my disbelief!" (Mark 9.24). How reassuring it is to know that while I am given the encouragement to be perfect as God is perfect (Matthew 5.48), I don't have to have it all figured out.

We can overcome the obstacle of living in our imperfections, "missing the mark" (1 Timothy 6:20-1), and feel sure that we are still fit to reach countless people - "greater" (more than) who Jesus sought after when he was on Earth (Matthew 15.24). And all we need is to have the trust and faith that we will be carried through to the end (2 Timothy 4.7).

When we keep the faith, when we persevere through our shortcomings, when we lose confidence in self and gain confidence in God, thereby not allowing others to hinder us, we perform great works - we convict and save lives (Matthew 18.18). What greater power in the world is there than that?

Seek ye first the kingdom of God

Today's Jesus card reading is about putting God before all else. This is true humility, and the humble will inherit the Earth (Matthew 5.5). Imagine how enjoyable it will be to have dominion with God.

It is so easy to forget this, but I have found that when I truly believe that God loves me and is thinking about me constantly, giving His blessings and encouragement for me take the right path that he has laid out before me, it becomes so easy to have him, in turn, continually in the forefront of my mind - to be humble.

Listening to His angels that He sends has really helped to keep me on track, because they are  continually rooting for me, giving me their strength to help me trust that His will for me is good, and that I will be so happy if I only follow His path. And the first step that I must take is for Him, before my second. And I am second. 

When I remember that of myself I am nothing (John 14.10), I will be lifted up, to the point that my sheer presence will lift others up, and this is God's will for me, for all of us. This is easy to do, because when I remember to seek God's kingdom first, I remember how good I am going to feel during and after my good works. 

God puts me first, he loves me to the point of death (Philippians 2.8). When I remember this, I am so happy to seek His kingdom first, as well. And when all that is undesirable yields to me (Luke 10.20), not only do I receive all that I truly, truly desire, I cannot regret loving God with every last bit of me (Luke 10.27), because there is absolutely no shame, in seeking the kingdom of God (Romans 10.11).

Agape love

Today's card reading is about love for one another. Jesus commanded us to love one another, but it is not the type of love that we are understanding it to be. The original word for "love" as written in Greek is "agapate", (agape), and it means sacrifice and obedience.

So how did Jesus love us? First he healed his followers and then he died for all. Not only that, he was tortured and then executed in a horrific way. Jesus commanded his disciples to love one another as he loved them, and after giving this commandment, Peter talked the talk, saying that he did, but Jesus knew the truth - that he would be renounce him. Still, Jesus still loved Peter, despite his dishonesty (John 13.37-8). So to live by this example is the real love that he was teaching about. 

"Dying to self" is to very root of the Christian's life; it means to abandon one's own desires to instead care about what God wants - which is to take care of one another. We are to help each other carry our burdens (Galatians 6.2), this is the will of God that we cannot seem to understand.

When we love one another as Jesus loves us, our path becomes straight and easy (Matthew 7.13). We have more energy, are more happy, and we become open to receiving the peace of Christ in its fullest, which is to be completely comfortable throughout our days and nights. Amen. 

The bread of life

Today's card reading is about Jesus being the Way to everlasting life. 

In the Gospel of John, the most beautiful and mystical gospel, Jesus refers to himself as "manna", in order to explain that He is the Way to eternal life (John 6.35). This is a comparison in the New Testament to the Old, and is a common teaching tool, to when the Israelites were fleeing from Egypt. God provided them with bread from heaven in the morning (Exodus 16.4), but this was only to keep their bodies alive. Jesus was the Messiah for the soul - he was no great warrior, and this is why the Israelites rejected him as their Messiah. The Christ would not defeat their human enemies, he would only defeat our spiritual enemies, for we battle not against flesh, but against principalities from above (Ephesians 6.12).

When we accept Christ, we not only receive peace within, but we are confident in our inheritance that he prepared for us, which is the mansion that we will live in (John 14.2). No matter what our Cross to bear is, remember that Jesus went before us, for us, and he will help you carry your burden (John 15.18 + Matthew 11.28-30).

I believe that every person has one (and only one) cross, but that cross can manifest in multiple, and at times overwhelming, ways in our days and nights. I have spoken with Jesus about the cross that I had to bear during a stressful time in my life about a year and a half ago, and I can testify that when we ask for His help, we will be relieved immediately. There are many theories to the meaning of life, but when we truly believe that our time on Earth is but a passageway, it is much more easy for us to believe in God.

This why we are taught to pause throughout our day, because then we can not only recognize and then reflect on the solitary thorn in our sides, putting it into perspective, but more so because in that stillness we know that God is present (Psalm 46.10). We are then relieved of the fear that Christ came to free us of, and life becomes less heavy once again. This is because we are not here for temporal life, but for everlasting life. Amen. 

Forgiveness

Today's Jesus card reading is on forgiveness.

When we think of forgiveness, we think of showing mercy on a person, however in this reading, I would like to focus on self-forgiveness, because when we don't have compassion for ourselves, we don't welcome God's peace, His grace, and in rejecting this, we are greatly hurting ourselves. 

To have forgiveness is to not worry, and to not worry is to accept, and to accept is to recognize, and to recognize is to admit, and when we admit a fault, we may be forgiven. To be forgiven is to have true and lasting peace. But we are taught that in order to receive this peace, we must first offer it.  

Everyone makes mistakes, and we tend to live in the fear that we will suffer material or spiritual consequences when we make a mistake. But God never works that way - God is Love, and Love keeps no records of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13.5 + 1 John 4.8). Rather, what God really wants is for us to let go of regret and fear, and this is where real forgiveness enters us. To practice forgiveness, is to truly be penitent, and to believe fully that God will not only forgive us, but allow us to forgive ourselves. 

When we receive peace from forgiveness, we become grateful for what we do have, and what we don't have suddenly seems less important. We can see more clearly, which means we can see more truthfully. 

What a beautiful world we create for ourselves, when we forgive us our shortcomings, as God forgives us our trespasses.