Moving forward

It's much easier for me to take things in stride, or more so to stay focused on the task at hand. Something else that is improving is my ability to let go of thoughts and situations that can be harmful or suffocating to my spiritual (and therefore physical) health. 

Things that used to break me I can instead now recognize as not being God's will, and I can trust that there is something better, often something I can't even imagine at the time. I have suffered from giving other people so much power - I remember when I was in high school, a guy who I had a crush on threw a party and his house got trashed. He had to move out of the city to live with his dad, and I would call him. The next month my mom got the phone bill and said something I will never forget, "He sure isn't calling you." Wow, it was decades ago, but stings like it was yesterday, because it was true. This is a pattern for me - not caring enough for myself, when those around me who I am empowering, are doing just fine.

It can be hard to look out for myself though, because I like to people-please. This is not a good thing! People pleasing is not about being a selfless or kind person, it is about being co-dependent, which is rooted in dishonesty, resentment, and fear - it is a real sickness that can be damaging to all persons involved. In pushing through co-dependency habits, I now learn how to draw that line of being polite and parting company, and that might require guidance from someone who has gone before me in that path.

And yet today when I am feeling desperate, in survival mode, I know how to put first things first, which is to pray, and get my daily chores and duties done, even if I am exhausted. Right now I have to take it an hour at a time, actually half an hour at a time. Remorse and bitterness can overpower me and I don't always have my support system to carry me through to the next moment. This is when I try to take it easy, which for me means to not take things so seriously, and to trust the outcome. With practice though action and the encouragement from trusted people, having faith is getting a lot more easy.