Compassion Over Reprisal

"'Come now, let us settle the matter',
says the Lord.
'Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.'"

I by chance came upon this passage from the prophet Isaiah this morning (chapter 1, verse 18, NKJV), and I noticed something that I believe is profound. God does not say that he will remove our sins, but that they will be purified.

As my most recent blog, "Lenten Challenge" shows, I have a new understanding of sin. After having been repelled by its concept for the past month or two, I began to understand it in a new way after contemplation and a conviction, realizing that turning my back on its principles is truly incompatible, and therefore tiring to work around, with my chosen lifestyle.

While I still at this time will not use the word "sin" in my vocabulary, I feel happy understanding it in a way where I interpret the world as fallen, but still with the substance of innocence. In choosing to look at weaknesses as opportunities to be strengthened, instead of condemned, I have the compassion for myself and for others that I have been striving for many years to have the capacity to do. 

Perhaps in recognizing that degradation can be transformed through first self forgiveness, we can be relieved from this bondage of self that keeps us in a state of darkness, unable to use our gifts and talents, and in so forfeiting love.

Today I know that my challenges are a result of a brokenness, and not necessarily a willingness, and I work to view all sickness in the world this way. Like an addiction where the consequences are not considered, or they are but there is no fight in the afflicted, there is a disassociation. Oftentimes this absence of resistance is what needs to be addressed, instead of what the punishment is to be. I believe that it is important to not mindlessly place blame, but to instead try understanding from a place of compassion, and truly, this is a breakthrough concept.

Because it is not fully my nature to turn the other cheek when personally offended, or to look at society as inherently good and thereby deserving be be supported with love (and therefore is not natural for self-love or self-compassion, either), I pray each day for this virtue, both to be offered to myself, and then for the strength to extend to others. And I have since found that these prayers have truly opened my heart, to the point that I don't even view mob mentality as the way I have for years.

I can see now that so often we make choices based on a fundamental and human need for connection, and not in spite of or intentionally to hurt others, and most certainly not to hurt ourselves. We are simply so desperate to be relieved of our loneliness. In truly comprehending this, which has been revealed to me through contemplation and prayer, my life has begun to shift into a union with God, which can relieve me of all that debilitates me, and instead deliver me to live in self-forgiveness, free from the bondage of hurt, fear, regret, and desire to be reprimanded.

When the attachments that bind me in harmful decision-making become as white as snow, I believe that God is saying not only am I forgiven, but that I am now permitted to view what once condemned me to instead be released into that which I can use for the benefit of myself and others. My shortcomings are not insomuch removed, but rather are transformed from that which deserves consequences, to that which deserves the compassion needed to change, and to be used as a tool for healing.

More Self Compassion by Kelly Rae Roberts

Lenten Challenge

I have been resistant to a lot of things lately, but mostly on the topic of sin. Not only was I having problems with the language, but also with the precepts. Maybe I'm not bad, maybe I just didn't know any better and my behaviours were simply a result of ignorance that can be corrected with knowledge and will power.

But as we begin the season of Lent today, I surrendered to the idea that sinning is really just a result of being fallen, and we don't have to be emotional about it. As much as I wanted to change and interpret that world as beautiful with a bounty that is mine for the taking, the proof is evident: I myself am fallen.

Instead of accepting that I am in fact in a continuous war to conscientiously and oftentimes with great effort make healthy choices, I rejected everything that I came from. I cited trauma, addiction, and a post-recession economy for all of my troubles, and all I had to do was understand these things so that I could conquer them all with a solid plan. All of this as I moved further and further away from Christ. First by not attending mass, then by not praying the rosary, then by not even really considering Jesus at all.

But today I thought of my parents, the way they raised me, the respect I realized I have for them and the sacrifices that they made to bring me up. And I thought about their parents, and their parents parents, and I sincerely wondered, what is so bad? I'm a solider. And instead of trying to change who I am and what I've done, I surrendered to it. I'm good at being who I am, and I am not interested in being anyone else or a fabricated personification of pop culture. Ultimately, all I want is to be more thoughtful and resistive. The rest will follow.

I was infused with a new appreciation for life, with simply being alive. For the first time, that was enough. And I felt convicted of sin. All of the choices that I made that brought me to a state of utter defeat. But again, it's not about being bad - it brought me closer to God. And it prepared me for Lent. It is a huge relief to know that I can forever turn to God, my timing in this case just so had to be quite perfect which makes it a bit easier.

The video linked below is a solid reference for the three pillars of Lent: fasting, prayer, and almsgiving. The one thing I have never been able to really do is fast. I was not intending to fast, but after my surrender today, and the timing, I decided to try it. It is still hard to believe that I can successfully fast for the next 40 days. I have a lot of challenges regarding fasting. The premise is simple - 1/2 breakfast, 1/2 lunch, a full but modest dinner, and no snacking in between (Sundays are celebrations where we may feast), but because my diet is wonky at best, it is really hard to be both disciplined in my timing, and then also to ration it.

Then there are the fears. Will I be able to work when I'm hungry? Will I be malnourished? Will I get sick? Am I really equipt to do this - is fasting an appropriate act for someone with a borderline eating disorder?

But this is where reliance on the Church that Christ instituted is put into play. Faith without works is dead, and I chose to be a member of the Church ten years ago, nearly to the day. I remind myself, what is the worst that will happen? I've put my body through so much more pain than eating less than usual.

It always bothered me that I couldn't fast, because one of the first scripture verses that I learned was about fasting, The scene is that Jesus' disciples could not heal a child, and they were completely dejected and embarrassed:

"The disciples came to Jesus privately and said, 'Why could we not cast it out?'

So Jesus said to them, 'Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” (Matthew 17.19-21, NKJV)

I believe it is important to note here that many translations remove the last sentence about fasting and prayer (verse 21). I feel privileged that I know it, and am grateful to pass it on.

After watching the video linked below, I got to see the spiritual reasons for the physical act of fasting, and it really lifted me up. What struck me was that the bishop refers to sin as vices and attachments - very palatable language for me, which allowed for me to open up to the idea that maybe I am not just a victim, maybe I really do need to look at some of the choices that I make that hurt myself and others.

Then he goes on to talk about attachment and detachment as a reason for fasting. Attachments brings on an exaggerated importance, which causes the disproportionate, or misuse of will power. Fasting, however, purposely sets aside these attachments that hurt us.

Augustine of Hippo, the 4th century playboy-turned-epic saint said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you, O Lord.", and bishop Barron asserts that fasting allows for the deepest hunger to express itself. I will be journalling my experiences with fasting over the next forty days, and I anticipate amazing learnings, and for my hunger for healing to be satiated.

The Root of all Evil

As I reach a new phase of my spiritual development, first of all being open to the suggestion that life is not black and white and that absolute thinking leads to stagnancy, and second with the introduction of mindfulness when I was prepared to learn about it, I became weary of the words "good" and "bad". I began to entertain the thought that there is no such thing as "good" and "bad", or "right" and "wrong". I contemplated the concepts of these words being applicable only to denote the trespassing on others autonomy, causing hurt and offense.

But then I realized that even in this spectrum of grey, aren't we always in some sort of trespass? We talk about people being so opinionated and easily offended, but very rarely have I personally noticed living a day when I have not felt at least to some degree slighted. Does that mean that life is "bad" or "wrong"? I definitely hope not.

Seeing this meme on Facebook really got me thinking of these principles:

Being inspired by this, I concluded that "bad" is really pain, which we can define as a feeling that we wish to move away from, and "good" brings us satisfaction, which we desire to move towards. By changing the narrative, we change the way we understand and approach the unpalatable. Great minds have asserted that pain is the touchstone of spiritual development, and I know from experience this is unequivocally true, so why do we resist it? Why do we fall into unmentionable despair in our vain attempts to escape it?

It's easy to talk about pain, and right and wrong in the comfort of my home, behind the safety of a screen. I often wonder how I can even entertain the idea that life is in fact neutral, and there is no one way or another about it: that "good" and "bad" are flawed ideas that ought to hold no power. People undergo unimaginable tragedies at the hands of the deranged, so how can one look upon life, or circumstances in life, as being neither good nor bad?

But that is just it - when we are sick, we are in pain and we can inflict it upon others, often times unintentionally. There is a vast difference between a chosen act of causing pain, and a byproduct of being mentally and spiritually ill. This is why Jesus, our model, says when hanging on the cross, "Forgive them, Father, for they no not what they do." (Luke 23.34). He understood that people are sick, and that we act from that dis-ease, not from our intentions.

The Narrow Gate as the Path of Initiation

I believe that with the mixing of the Age of Aquarius with the Age of Pisces traditions, there has been considerable misunderstanding of many of Jesus’ adages. But I want to take this confusion one step further, and suggest that the reason why this disorder has prospered, is because for millennia, Jesus’ teachings were already misunderstood, being passed on from unregenerate souls. And there is no blame to be had here, I believe that we do the best we can with what we have. I was told by a high-ranking Mason that there are no mistakes: we all make the best decisions that we believe are right at the time. But this is a new time, a reawakening of higher mysteries that permits light to be shed on new areas of the Path without recrimination.

For the sake of perception, I will quote the famous instruction of Jesus which is to enter through the narrow gate via one of my favourite translations, The Message. On the surface, it looks like a vastly different teaching than we have been accustomed to with standard and accepted translations of many denominations such as the KJV, NIV, NLT, and the ESV. It can even look so perverted from previous translations that it ought to be rejected. But when we can read between the lines with willing hearts and open minds, we can see that the teaching has not changed:

“Don’t look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don’t fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention." (Matthew 7.13-4, MSG)

Even the Quran teaches about the straight and narrow path (1.6). That said, contrary to popular religious belief, there is nothing wrong with a broad and roomy path. As King David wrote, “You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip.” (Psalm 18.36, ESV). We all must start off on milk, before we (the initiate) can move onto solid food. “I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not yet ready.” (1 Corinthians 3:2, ESV).

The narrow gate is for our safety and benefit, but it takes love, dedication, loyalty, and resolve to pass through it. And until we can live in those virtues, it is perfectly acceptable to walk a broad path, even when staying on it for too long can cause wandering and confusion.

What I have found is that the higher mysteries gives us a way out of the folly of mixing oil and water – New Age/New Thought with Christianity, or of accusing spirituality to be in opposition with religion. We can look at both paths to be ways to higher truths, but one simply has a specific time and place, because it takes more focus and intention.

Does that make the narrow gate better than the broad path? I don’t believe so, because there is no place for human or spiritual hierarchy when it comes to seeking God and living in His will. The neophytes who are still on spiritual milk are no less than the skilled who are on solid food, but rather could benefit from the compassion of the adept, for the steps are clear, but the reasons why we take those steps are not. “Knowing God” or “Having peace” are end goals, but oftentimes are not powerful enough to remember in times of aridity. It can be of benefit to help the weary make better sense of the feelings and the hesitation during their journey, and in so maybe even take the initiates one more rung up God's ladder.

c/o Kseniya Hunina