A New Years reminder, c/o Charles Spurgeon

Today's Spurgeon reading is beautiful. It rolls off the silent tongue; it is almost melodic:

"'Hitherto hath the Lord helped us.'
1 Samuel 7:12

The word 'hitherto' seems like a hand pointing in the direction of the past. Twenty years or seventy, and yet, 'hitherto the Lord hath helped!' Through poverty, through wealth, through sickness, through health, at home, abroad, on the land, on the sea, in honour, in dishonour, in perplexity, in joy, in trial, in triumph, in prayer, in temptation, 'hitherto hath the Lord helped us!' We delight to look down a long avenue of trees. It is delightful to gaze from end to end of the long vista, a sort of verdant temple, with its branching pillars and its arches of leaves; even so look down the long aisles of your years, at the green boughs of mercy overhead, and the strong pillars of loving kindness and faithfulness which bear up your joys. Are there no birds in yonder branches singing? Surely there must be many, and they all sing of mercy received 'hitherto.'

But the word also points forward. For when a man gets up to a certain mark and writes 'hitherto,' he is not yet at the end, there is still a distance to be traversed. More trials, more joys; more temptations, more triumphs; more prayers, more answers; more toils, more strength; more fights, more victories; and then come sickness, old age, disease, death. Is it over now? No! there is more yet-awakening in Jesus' likeness, thrones, harps, songs, psalms, white raiment, the face of Jesus, the society of saints, the glory of God, the fulness of eternity, the infinity of bliss."

Daily Devotional

The Elect

I am reading the New Testament, objectively, academically, without emotion or hope to receive one message or another (as best as I can). I am dissecting each line, using the skills that I obtained studying in my bachelors of commerce program, and when it seems too laborious, I remind myself that it is just a chapter at a time; that there is no race. I take a break, because this is not to be taken lightly, or skimmed over. I take my time because this endeavor is not a competition, it has nothing to do with self, or ego. This has to do with spiritual growth, so that I may help others, to which I believe I tasted the first fruits last night, as we read "the promises" in the Big Book meeting, and as I was able to share, inconspicuously using the knowledge that I have received thus far.

And I have come across some gems so far. I have skipped the Gospels, as I am thoroughly comfortable with them, but I never really learned the legality of the faith that we receive through the epistles. So I am currently on Romans, chapter 11, and I had to take a moment out, because what I found is fascinating, in fact, it can rock the Reformed teaching of Unconditional Election, to the core. (Though it is not my intention to use the knowledge that I gain to win over the Christians, but to rather, to show God to others).

The problem with the teaching of the Elect (from a Catholic perspective, and really any other perspective) essentially blots out all free will. It claims that God has predestined us to either be saved or damned, and then it further says that those who are damned are so for the glory of God, and for the glory that is to come to the saved, in heaven, ultimately making even the damned a people who should praise God for their torment.

But in verse 4, Paul quotes from the Book of Kings, and it really says something completely different. It refers to the first Book of Kings where all of Elijah's people chose Baal over Yahweh, and that not only was he the last one left, but that the deserters wanted him dead. Yet Yahweh responds that he had reserved seven thousand men, who will fight the against those who turned their back on him. In verse 7, Paul writes that these elect were not hardened. 

What a fascinating revelation (for it is a revelation, I can only interpret what I can interpret in my humanness at this point in space and time - I know that more will be revealed as I continue on). This suggests that the Elect are actually the ones who are spared from straying, why they are spared, I know not yet, but they have been "left" for God, and they will help Elijah fight his traitors. 

Secret layers in society

I had a revelation several weeks ago about secret societies, and why they are in fact, necessary.

Christ warned us about casting pearls before swine, and this is the exact reason why we must have layers of members where powerful information is kept safe until the appropriate time, should that time ever come.

If I have been given wisdom through God, I cannot simply pass that off to people who might in turn pass it off incorrectly - this is dangerous, because information can be misconstrued, and therefore rejected, or worse: passed down even further, with error.

We see this most evidently in Christianity, through the manipulation of Biblical translations. The mayhem that has ensued is most notably evident in the fraction of over 10,000 "schools" or, let's call a spade a spade - cults - within an originally perfect fellowship of oneness.

In order for the preparation of knowledge to be passed down, the people must be prepared, and today I see that it is not a matter of the receiver not being worthy, but rather, the receiver not being ready. 

“We...speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began”. - 1 Co 2.6-7

I am a child of God

I am a child of God.
He gave me my energy
that I am free to use for expression,
even on limited resources.

I have my sense of style.
I have my habits.
And the way that I go about
in the world.
The way I interact with others.
The way I am confident with sunglasses on,
but keep my head down when they're not.

The way I love boys,
and hate girls.
The way I feel inside.
My otherness,
and the sameness 
which I deny.
My ambition,
and my stamina.
My resolve
and my resign.

All the things I was,
and all the things I hope to be.
But not the way I am.
There is only One I Am
As for myself,
I am changing too much
to be anything other than
a child of God.

My rock

Be my rock.
Even God's first man
needed Eve.
Who am I
to be stronger than that?

Be my rock.
Not my god,
just a root
of stability.
For there is no balance
without two sides.

The selfishness of this world
has taken my friends
But it helps me to see
how sturdy you are.

So just be my rock.
Not my strings,
not my thorn,
but my sail.
And I will soar
with you.

My true love

I'd like to think
That Jesus gave
You to me
So when you bade
Me a sweet night
And I close my eyes
You will be waiting
On the other side
Of consciousness
Where my fears reside
And where you come for me
That I may let them die
And then when I go out
Into the world
They look at me
And then see you. 

Agape love

Today's Hazelden's Twenty-four Hours a Day was so good for me to read. (There is no cache that will take the page to the actual day, so it only directs to its homepage). I have been pretty stressed out about some people, and this is a brilliant reminder of putting first things first:

Thought for the Day

I have lost many of my resentments. I have found that getting even with people doesn't do any good. When we try to get revenge, instead of making us feel better, it leaves us frustrated and cheated. Instead of punishing our enemies, we've only hurt our own peace of mind. It does not pay to nurse a grudge; it hurts us more than anyone else. Hate causes frustration, inner conflict, and neurosis. If we give out hate, we will become hateful. If we are resentful, we will be resented. If we do not like people, people will not like us. Revengefulness is a powerful poison in our systems. Have I lost my resentments?

Meditation for the Day

It is not so much you, as the grace of God that is in you, that helps those around you. If you would help even those you dislike, you have to see that there is nothing in you to block the way, to keep God's grace from using you. Your own pride and selfishness are the greatest blocks. Keep those out of the way and God's grace will flow through you into the lives of others. Then all who come in contact with you can be helped in some way. Keep the channel open, free from those things that make your life futile and ineffective.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that all who come in contact with me will feel better for it. I pray that I may be careful not to harbor those things in my heart that put people off.

Election of God

There is a lot of pressure in the Fellowship to have a "perfect" program, both as a member in recovery, and also as a sponsor. But, I have always maintained that it is a personal program, in that as a sponsor, there is little that I can do, which is why I have taken the friendship, or the fellowship directive. It worked for me, and it has worked for my sponsee. Today I understand that I became an alcoholic when I fully isolated myself from my (female) friends, and I think the reason why it didn't work for my former sponsee, is because she chose her defects over friendships. 

I cannot know if a person has a genuine grasp of the Steps. I cannot enter my sponsee's mind and soul and know if she even has a real Step One covered. I am only actually involved in Step 5 - that is it, and even then, I don't know if their list is exhausted. The past two days of Utmost have spoken of this very private journey. I can offer advice, I can pass on what I did, but the action needed is up to the sponsee, that's it. 

"The breaking and collapse of my independence (is) brought about by my own hands, and (so is) the surrendering of my life to the supremacy of the Lord Jesus. No one can do this for me, I must do it myself."

and yesterday's:

"Our Lord never insists on obedience. He stresses very definitely what we ought to do, but He never forces us to do it. We have to obey Him out of a oneness of spirit with Him. That is why whenever our Lord talked about discipleship, He prefaced it with an 'If,' meaning, 'You do not need to do this unless you desire to do so.' 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself…' (Luke 9:23)...The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself. Jesus Christ will not force me to obey Him, but I must. And as soon as I obey Him, I fulfill my spiritual destiny."

I cannot help but feel judged. I feel judged because I have never been taken through the Big Book the way that the "God" people have (therefore implying that I have not actually worked through the Steps, and subsequently that I have not taken my sponsee through them), and I feel judged more so because my previous sponsee not only relapsed, but she went to work with someone else afterward. It is of little consolation that that working relationship soon failed, as well. I have a fierce resentment to the woman who took her on, though I try to be compassionate instead.

Despite this hardship, I recall what Christ my Lord said: "Do not be discouraged if they hate you, for remember, they hated me first." My last sponsee was pure evil through and through, and a real psychopath, as the Big Book says - always going on the wagon "for keeps". She was, and still is, a person who loves darkness, because not only are her defects so massive, there is not even the willingness to be rid of them. But I can't help but wonder, is she doomed to perish, or is she just lost, and needs to be returned? 

"It is essential that you give people the opportunity to act on the truth of God. The responsibility must be left with the individual— you cannot act for him. It must be his own deliberate act, but the evangelical message should always lead him to action. Refusing to act leaves a person paralyzed, exactly where he was previously. But once he acts, he is never the same." Utmost

Limitless

"Common sense and faith are as different from each other as the natural life is from the spiritual, and as impulsiveness is from inspiration...Until we know Jesus, God is merely a concept, and we can’t have faith in Him. But once we hear Jesus say, “He who has seen Me has seen the Father” (John 14:9) we immediately have something that is real, and our faith is limitless. "

The above excerpt from Utmost resonated with me for two reasons, 1) In the Big Book, it says, "Common sense thus becomes uncommon sense", and 2) After having seen Christ, my faith has become limitless.

In the Big Book, I actually shared once on the idea of common sense becoming uncommon sense, but I did not relate it to faith. I possibly did not know what faith was in early sobriety; after all, for years I mistook an initial spiritual experience to be my psychic change. I certainly couldn't Let Go and Let God: I have only recently stopped fighting what does not happen to my (immediate) satisfaction. 

So now when I muse on common sense becoming uncommon sense, I will approach it from the understanding that it cannot co-exist with faith - the same way that fear cannot.

And for every time I want to leave the Church, I think about what was my first real spiritual experience, when Christ appeared to me. I was high, or, coming down and trying to use different drugs to alleviate that torment, and Jesus appeared in a tree, right outside the window, almost transparent. When I was a little girl, I was terrified that Jesus was going to appear to me. I told my mother, but she said that if he did, I would feel love. I wonder if I was afraid, because somehow I knew that he would come to me when I was suffering. But she was right, I did love. Love through the act of compassion. He said, "Follow me." and while I couldn't stay sober for a couple of more years after that, I could never leave him. I can't leave him now. And to know that I know God through him, and that God knows me, reassures me that while sometimes I can't properly practice Steps Six and Seven, I remain protected. 

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." - 2 Corinthians 5.7

Survival instincts

I found this a fascinating statement from a Christian, particularly a Reformed, but I know from my own experience, it is probably true:

"We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises— human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus."

Utmost

Foolish impulse

The past week or two I have sincerely been praying to be relieved of my impulsiveness. It is a real challenge in my life, and routinely lands me into trouble, or very awkward situations. I have finally reached a point where I see this, after (exactly) six months of excruciating consequences (that were all sorted out in the end), and where by the grace of God I have been exposed to the dangers. I know that with a contrite heart, and sincere willingness to change, he will remove this impetuosity from me. Today's Utmost reading talks about just this, in a way that I have never be shown before, and really it hit home to the point that I want to capture it, here:

"Impulsiveness is a trait of the natural life, and our Lord always ignores it, because it hinders the development of the life of a disciple. Watch how the Spirit of God gives a sense of restraint to impulsiveness, suddenly bringing us a feeling of self-conscious foolishness, which makes us instantly want to vindicate ourselves. Impulsiveness is all right in a child, but is disastrous in a man or woman— an impulsive adult is always a spoiled person. Impulsiveness needs to be trained into intuition through discipline.

Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he “followed Him at a distance” on dry land (Mark 14:54)."

He knows

He knows I am sorry
So he doesn't try to scold
He gives me a look that says
"You were wrong"
and he stands with conviction.

He had compassion for me
Even though I let him down
Even though I let myself down
Even though I was hurting others.

But he had compassion for me
Because he knew I was sick
He knew I was unable
to live with myself.

So he said, "Come"
that I might have a new start
That I might learn
to contribute to life.

Because that's all he wants
It's not for him,
he doesn't need me.
It's just so that I can be
What I was meant to be
And then, he can say
that I had a life
well lived. 

God's test

I've been (not very diligently) reading a thirty-day meditation. It is very short, which is why I accepted to do so. I haven't gotten too much from it, but at Day Twenty, I would like to record "My Day Begins" (My day began hours ago, this is how committed I am to this).

"Whether God leads you

by suffering or consolation

will make no difference

if you truly resign yourself to finding his will.

But you can be sure

that there will be times of spiritual dryness,

of spiritual insensibility,

of exasperating difficulties

whenever you try to pray.

God will test your fidelity to him.

This is the time

to make good and effective

acts of resignation to his will,

for even such one act

could lead to spiritual growth."

What I really liked about today's meditation was first the idea that when we suffer, we will be okay throughout it if we can try to find God's will in it, for we will know that the suffering is really just in preparation for receiving what is good; what we are currently incapable of possessing, and second, that spiritual dryness is an action of God, not the inaction of man. That experiencing difficulty in prayer is really just a test that we are predestined to pass. 

When we can be accepting of our shortcomings it doesn't necessarily mean that we have resigned to being undisciplined, or not good, but rather, it the acknowledgement that may permit even greater spiritual growth.

The call of Christ

I really identified with this passage from today's Utmost, and I wanted to keep a record of it. Regarding the first statement, it is true, but when I first read it, I was taken aback, because I didn't realize that yes, my calling was not definitive. While I have considered the time when Christ came to me in 2011 to be when I was chosen, that really wasn't the time where he called me, even though he said, "Come". The truth is, it happened a few years before that. And I can't remember when exactly, or how, or of course, even why, but I can remember reading the back of my first Missal, given to be before I was anointed, confirmed, and baptised, it read the verse, "Chosen in Christ". And though I do not know it's exact moment, I do know that like Paul, when I was initiated into the Church, all other interests - philosophy, political science, and yoga, were no longer suitable to take any of my energy. 

"If you are able to tell exactly where you were when you received the call of God and can explain all about it, I question whether you have truly been called. The call of God does not come like that; it is much more supernatural...At any moment the sudden awareness of this incalculable, supernatural, surprising call that has taken hold of your life may break through— “I chose you…” (John 15:16)...You are not called to preach the gospel because you are sanctified; the call to preach the gospel is infinitely different. Paul describes it as a compulsion that was placed upon him. If you have ignored, and thereby removed, the great supernatural call of God in your life, take a review of your circumstances. See where you have put your own ideas of service or your particular abilities ahead of the call of God. Paul said, “…woe is me if I do not preach the gospel!” He had become aware of the call of God, and his compulsion to “preach the gospel” was so strong that nothing else was any longer even a competitor for his strength...God orchestrates every force at work for His purpose in the end. If you will agree with God’s purpose, He will bring not only your conscious level but also all the deeper levels of your life, which you yourself cannot reach, into perfect harmony."

Age of Aquarius

I have been reading some Yogi Bhajan lectures. Even through my conversion to Catholicism in 2010, I never forgot the teachings that I was fortunate to learn from him. I entered Kundalini Yoga unknowingly to the spirituality of it - I just wanted to be able to do a full split for my dance class. My first yoga class was in September 2005, which was the year after he died (October 2004). My teacher, who learnt in many ways directly under Yojiji's guidance, and who is his official biographer, wrote that the meditations which were given for early morning sadhana - the Aquarian Age meditations - were to be chanted only until 2013. Since Yogiji is no longer around to give a new set of meditations, it was suggested that we find our own (At least this was my interpretation).

I found this article which gives a theme for each decade, for the '60's, '70's, '80's, '90's, and the new millennium. I was thinking how it's too bad that we don't have anymore teachings, because we are in a new decade for it. So I have loosely been brainstorming what this decade's theme could be...There are hundreds of kryias (exercises) and meditations. It shouldn't be too hard to put together a new set....

An outside force

There's a new cat that has been hanging around the property. He is big and chubby, so I am under the impression that he is being taken care of. He doesn't have a collar, but he is incredibly affectionate. I am thinking that he must be taken care of. But he is also missing his tail. I have no idea, nor do I want to think of, what could have happened. But there is a little stub still, and he bangs it against me with such power, it is truly sweet.

Shadow, however, is more than unimpressed. I have to at times keep him in, because he just wails, to the point that it is a nuisance. I tried to go after Shadow this morning, to get him inside, but he ran away and went up to the roof to glare at the new cat from above. I let the new cat in (I was not trying to be disrespectful to any potential owners, he was determined) and when Shadow was ready to come in, it was pure halloween cat, back up, and meow louder than ever. I picked up the new cat, who was relatively unmoved, and put the sweet thing outside. Then came back in to witness Shadow yelling at Trixie. Shadow has never once showed any signs of aggression toward Trixie. He has only loved her, in fact, I am certain that he would have never come to live with us, were it not for his immediate and ceaseless affection toward her. 

It made me think - this outside entity caused Shadow to be uncharacteristically forceful. I wonder, with my Gnostic inclinations (see link), could this be the same underlying principle to the violence that we so commonly experience here on Earth?

Here is an except from today's Utmost reading:

"The entire human race was created to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. Sin has diverted the human race onto another course, but it has not altered God’s purpose to the slightest degree...We must continually keep our soul open to the fact of God’s creative purpose, and never confuse or cloud it with our own intentions. If we do, God will have to force our intentions aside no matter how much it may hurt...Beware lest you forget God’s purpose for your life."

I have learnt a lot about human nature through a cat, Shadow has been such a blessing to me in my life: he is my muse. Today as I go about my business, I reflect on the idea that an outside threat, fancied or real, entity or intrusive thought, could be the disconnect from God within which is necessary for the needed strength to overcome such obstacles and which keeps us in a seemingly endless cycle of vehemence.

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Therefore, take unto you the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and, having done all, to stand." - Ephesians 6.12-3

The new earth

I've been speaking with my online friends about the Calvinistic teaching of the elect. It is a brutal teaching, whereby only a few are saved, and mostly the rest of humanity is damned. But with the Bible, it is debatable, and that is good, because it allows for us to utilize our God-given intellect. I know for me, I have greatly enjoyed discussing scripture over the years.

For the most part, I believe that we can choose to accept God's saving grace, but I also adhere to an extent the teaching of the elect. What is not mentioned in debates is the new heaven and the new earth, where all of the prophecies of comfort are fulfilled. I am contemplating if the new heaven and the new earth are for the non-elect.

We often talk about the kingdom of God being within, but the mistake is that we assume that the kingdom of God IS God. But it is not, The kingdom of God is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. These are the gifts of God, but they are not God themselves. However, in Revelation we see that in the new earth, the tabernacle of God is within. The tabernacle in the Old Testament is what housed God, therefore it is not until the new earth that God will dwell within us.

I believe that the evil in this world is a result of us being disconnected from God, but it cannot be a result of us cut off from God within, as the New Age teachings would have us believe. That is why peace is not possible until the new earth is formed - until God decides. 

Ultimately, while we have a choice to accept God's help, we do not have a choice in when the help comes. Therefore, we must carry our crosses, and call upon His Son to help us carry them. For otherwise, life becomes too heavy a burden.

You are not your own

"We are not our own, we are bought with a price--let us recognize the rights of the redeeming blood. The soldier follows his captain, the servant obeys his master, much more must we follow our Redeemer, to whom we are a purchased possession. We are not true to our profession of being Christians, if we question the bidding of our Leader and Commander. Submission is our duty...We shall find it sweet to go up the bleak side of the hill with Christ; and when rain and snow blow into our faces, his dear love will make us far more blest than those who sit at home and warm their hands at the world's fire."

C.H. Spurgeon

God is or He isn't

Today we read from We Agnostics, and I contemplated on the idea that God is everything, or He is nothing, and that deep within us, is the idea of God. I have always personalized my alcoholism to be that which lurks, waiting to devour me. But if God is everything, and if evil is a result of being disconnected to that Source, then I must rather recognize my alcoholism to be just that - a separation from God, and this is why we must connect to God for our remedy.

The last shall be first

I am preparing for my September blog, so until then here is a passage from a beautiful parable. This is an important one for me, because there is a blind man who I do not favour but with whom I must remember to be compassionate. I think that I am such a great Christian, because I look after the widows and visit the prisoners, but if there is one thing that I do not do that Christ requests of me, then all that I do do, is nulled.

I almost didn't read today's Sunday Mass readings, because I didn't go to Church. I thought that I didn't deserve to read the Word, or that I would be a hypocrite, but the thing is, while I absolutely should have gone to Mass, not only is the idea that I need to stay away from scripture of the devil, I am a hypocrite nevertheless, for if I had my way, I would forsake who I'm supposed to invite in. 

“When you hold a lunch or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or your wealthy neighbors, in case they may invite you back and you have repayment. Rather, when you hold a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind; blessed indeed will you be because of their inability to repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Luke 14.12-4

A Christian pick me up

This is a really beautiful sermon given by one of my favourite theologians, C.H. Spurgeon. On a quick search, I can't tell if he was part of any movement such as the Great Awakening, but he was so solid to the extent that people of various denominations use him as a teacher.

This is an except from Biblegateway. Anyone who is struggling with their faith, or who simply could use some inspiration, can easily call on this oratiation:

"He shall stand and feed in the strength of the Lord."

Micah 5:4

Christ's reign in his Church is that of a shepherd-king. He has supremacy, but it is the superiority of a wise and tender shepherd over his needy and loving flock; he commands and receives obedience, but it is the willing obedience of the well-cared-for sheep, rendered joyfully to their beloved Shepherd, whose voice they know so well. He rules by the force of love and the energy of goodness.

His reign is practical in its character. It is said, "He shall stand and feed." The great Head of the Church is actively engaged in providing for his people. He does not sit down upon the throne in empty state, or hold a sceptre without wielding it in government. No, he stands and feeds. The expression "feed," in the original, is like an analogous one in the Greek, which means to shepherdize, to do everything expected of a shepherd: to guide, to watch, to preserve, to restore, to tend, as well as to feed.

His reign is continual in its duration. It is said, "He shall stand and feed;" not "He shall feed now and then, and leave his position;" not, "He shall one day grant a revival, and then next day leave his Church to barrenness." His eyes never slumber, and his hands never rest; his heart never ceases to beat with love, and his shoulders are never weary of carrying his people's burdens.

A real psychic change

In really listening in today's meeting, since I forgot my book and there were no extras, and because I am trying to practice humility and think of others before myself, I really absorbed the shares, and I actually learned something. The common denominator in all of the experiences about the psychic change, was a moment of darkness, and then an intuitive thought. 

And I realized that what I thought for the past nearly two and a half years to be my spiritual experience wasn't in fact that, but rather it was the shift into real sobriety where I became willing to have a psychic change. I understood what was needed of me, for the first time, after great enthusiasm and then two relapses, and so there was a special "ah-ha!" moment, but no, my psychic change was in actuality six months into recovery. 

Another way that I know, is that the next morning, the program itself became my higher power, which I interpret today to be the "God-consciousness" as so called in the Spiritual Experience endnotes.  Though I was praying to God when I had my intuitive thought, and so it's not as though I didn't have God, I put all of my faith into the program actually saving my life, and soon after I did a real fourth and fifth, thereby solidifying my relationship with my sponsor, which truly became the backbone of my recovery; my refuge every time I wanted to give up, until I could stand on my own.

To have taken that leap of faith into the program was terrifying, but that next morning after my experience, I knew that I was a goner, and I knew that A.A. was the only path to true freedom from the bondage of self, of which I would soon learn to be the root of every defect and every hurt, and every disappointment that has ever happened. This is why I say that the program was my higher power, because of that blind faith that it was going to work, and so I was going all in. After testing the waters, for nearly two full years, it wasn't too hard to take the plunge, because I knew it worked, I saw it all around me at meetings. 

Today I am so grateful to have a fellowship to have grown up amongst. Everything in my life I have earned through works that would not have been possible without having been given very specific tools in the program, with very basic instructions. My spiritual experience is more concrete now. We all have the same solution, therefore our psychic changes will most likely be of the same nature, as well. Just as Bill W. went from desperation to alleviation in a moment, so too did I, and others. It is great to be able to quantify this experience, so that others might come to believe, and achieve. Amen.

The Shadow of an Agony

"To those who have had no agony Jesus says, 'I have nothing for you; stand on your own feet, square your own shoulders. I have come for the man who knows he has a bigger handful than he can cope with, who knows there are forces he cannot touch; I will do everything for him if he will let Me. Only let a man grant he needs it, and I will do it for him.'"

Taken from Utmost.org

Another A.A. fail

A.A. works for some people, but not for most. For me, it has transformed my life. I have truly been reborn as it says we are in Step Three. However, most people just don't get it, and I truly believe it's because of false teachings within the rooms.

An example is the erroneous and even evil teaching that alcoholism is "patient". And the word "evil" might sound harsh or an exaggeration, but the truth is, it is opposite of biblical assertions. So what else could it then be, if it is not in the teachings of Christ? People in the meetings repeat that it is patient, and that it is waiting for them. I have even heard people say that it is doing push-ups in the corner, preparing. And I do appreciate those analogies, but the truth is, it is love which is patient.

Even today's Twenty-Four Hours referred to alcoholism as the ocean, waiting to engulf us, and A.A. as the dike keeping it at bay (one hole, meaning one drink, and it could crack the dike and break it). While I do agree that it is the first drink that gets us drunk, and that is why complete abstinence is the only alternative, this has possibly precipitated this distorted understanding of the disease - and it is not even A.A. literature! (It is Hazelton).

Therefore, alcohol cannot possibly be patient, especially when the fellowship is built upon a Christian premise. And while I wrote the other day about the Christian principles being a stumbling block in the program, I in fact meant the Protestant belief of predestination and the elect. I am very grateful to be a converted Christian in the fellowship. It has helped me with multiple fourth steps in which I would not had the courage to have partaken in without that foundation.

This is an example of the fallacious teachings of A.A., and how so many of us don't recover. And why would we when we turn the chip system for the newcomer or the person coming back into a near red-carpet event? So then, what is the opposite of patience?

I suspect it is rashness, indecision, frenzy, and impulsion, traits that stir us into dizzy messes, causing confusion and even turmoil. And since Satan is the opposite of Christ, and God is not the author of confusion, we can conclude that Satan causes incertitude, and it is the unstable and uncertain life we live in active alcoholism. Our disease can be likened to the metaphor of that which causes bewilderment, not that which we strive for in our program - to be patient, kind, and tolerant. What a twisted view we in the fellowship have of serenity, even though we pray for it every meeting. These inconsistencies based in flimsy understandings are what I believe to be the number one offender in the majority's inability to recover.

"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." —James 1:4

Predestined to perish

People in the program don't realize that the principles of the steps are Christian in nature. And are consequently inconclusive. There are many reasons for the division within Christianity, but the most notable strife is based in the study of soteriology. Who gets saved, and who doesn't.

I'm not going to digress into a breakdown of Protestant verses Catholic, mostly because the purpose of this article is not to offer a platform for debate. All that I will say is, according to the Reformed, which is most Protestants as we understand them to be and whose principles are the founding teachings in the program, believe in something called "predestination". Predestination essentially means that from the beginning of time, God set apart people who will be saved (the "elect"), and people who will be damned (everyone else). This means that there is NOTHING that a person can do, nor the prayers of the elect for said person, which can save them.

These people are the "unfortunates" that we read about in the preamble at the beginning of every open meeting. These unfortunates are left just as that - constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Honesty - the one requirement for recovery. A REAL fourth, fifth, and seventh. However, this honesty is the grace that we talk about, and is the same grace that is rooted in Christianity. But grace can not be earned. This is why all of the step work and the practicing of principles in all of our affairs, or even, alas working with others (which is really just another step) can recover us.

Only an act of Providence!! Well, that act was decided long before the sufferer was even born whether it would be gifted or not. This is why there is no solution for the unfortunate. So I wonder, what if we stood with some bravery in a meeting, instead of being so cordial, and actually said to those members, those who get a few months here, a year there, and then fall, that they will for certain die, that they are goners and there is absolutely nothing they can do, they might as well not even go to meetings. Because this is the fact of God's grace - it can't be earned with good behaviour. If the situate were this dire, would they actually get desperate enough believe that they can get sober, and if so, would they?

This idea shakes the very foundation of the program, but with almost every key player in the founding years having relapsed, would that really be such a bad thing? If history itself has been fundamentally wrong about human nature and our ability to carry on, then maybe we could have a fellowship that actually worked for most, if not all members, where is not just a day-a-time, it is a lifelong commitment, because the only alternative is excruciating pain until death.

I would really love to see if a complete change in attitude and outlook upon life would really lead to recovery, or if the receiving of grace for only specific people is in fact gospel.

You are no longer alone

I recognize that the root of my disease is selfishness and self-centeredness, and after last week, I have been really trying to think more of others. One the other hand, I am feeling much more comfortable, after a little over two and a half years of sobriety, I feel like I am "coming around", but there's that selfishness that I am really seeing now. On the one hand, I love that I am not as insecure and people pleasing (co-dependent) as I have become in adulthood, but I also want to contribute to life, and I really think we do that through being selfless. I know that I have the natural gift of uplifting others, and I am reminded of that by the heavens every so often, such as when an old-timer told me yesterday how she needed my smile, in her grieving from her sponsee passing away.

This morning I awoke to a message from an old friend, who I let go of in my sickness. Her father passed this weekend, I didn't even know he was sick, but in her group message she said to the girls, "Thank you all for your support over the years while I was dealing with his illness." I wanted to throw up. I didn't even know he was sick.

I remember one of my last, if not my last drunk, I was texting her saying how much I needed her. I had no idea she was suffering, I just thought, "She's not a good friend, she hasn't followed up with me..." I was nothing but selfish since we were teenagers, trying to manage both of our lives, and getting upset with her when she didn't run hers the way I wanted. In fact, that was the exact reason why we fell apart in the first place. 

After being shocked, I thanked God from the bottom of my heart that I said my prayers before I checked my phone. And as I proceeded on my day, I was resolved to think about others. I was very stressed out for I had a quiz in a class that I am failing, and I consequently wasn't doing well in class today, in anticipation of it. The class itself was just hard, I think. The prof even told us to wake up at one point, and I thought shortly after that, is he also not okay? I realized he wasn't really as energetic and joking around as much, either. 

He gave us our quiz at the end of the class, and I did more than okay on it. As I was leaving, one of my classmates behind me was stuck in her quiz, I was really surprised, as I took math and economics with her last semester, and she was fine. I gave her a little "You know this!" on my way out. Then in the washroom, I heard one of the international students talking to another student, something about wanting to leave. I wasn't sure if she was referring to the program, or where she is living, but ever since I recently found out that she is here on her own from overseas, I've tried to pay more attention to her. I thought she just didn't like me for the longest time, but now I know she is just shy. 

I said to her, "Don't give up!", and as I went into the stall, I thought, wow, what a change from this morning. When did I become such a cheerleader? And I realized, we are ALL stressed out! It's NOT just me. Thinking that I am on my own, that I'm the only one who is struggling, that I am the only one who is stressed out and who wants out, that is all just my self-absorption once again: it's not reality. 

I thank God for showing me the Truth today, for helping me to see the real from the fake. It's not about me, and I can get out of a funk just by asking someone how they are! We are all sick in one way or another, and sometimes all we need to heal is to be recognized for a moment. I finally have the solution to my problem of alienation. 

The G.O.D.

I wanted to go to the church where Fr. G’s retired to, but my hair appointment took longer than I had anticipated. As I was driving home, I decided as I passed his old church to check it out, as I was only going to be a few minutes late. I wasn’t sure if I would even stay. It was impulsive, but I’m so glad I did it, so in my heart I could say good-bye.

Upon entering, I wasn’t even greeted by the GREETERS. But that is all so okay now. I saw there was good space closer to the front, and the clergy were still in the procession, so I took my seat closer to the altar. The mass was just fine, nothing really different. But I was sad, because I love Fr. G. so much. But he’s not dead, he’s just at a different parish, which will soon be mine. I have waited for this change. It’s been over six years, and I haven’t made a single real connection, except for Baxter. People don’t even acknowledge me, even when we are doing the offering of peace. It’s crazy. It makes me feel as though I am crazy. 

I want to give this church a big “fuck you”, even though it really has a piece of my heart. During the offering of peace, there was a single woman in front of me and one beside me. We all wished each other peace, but I didn’t turn around. I just thought, I so don’t care anymore. 

I fought back some tears throughout the service, but right before the transubstantiation, my voice was cracking. And I thought, maybe. Maybe I can believe in a miracle, that Christ really is there. And I hoped he was, because I was so sad. The Gift Of Desperation made me at least willing to believe. 

When I went up to take the Eucharist, I really did not like the way the man administered it to me. I was already a little red with watery eyes, and I felt like he just let me linger there, like he was trying to discern if I was worthy to receive the host or not. I grabbed the wafer after he (finally) placed it in my hand, taking it briskly and carefully so as to not drop it, and any Catholic readers will know, it is NOT good to drop the host, as carefully as a woman in near rage can be, broke it with my teeth, and stormed back to my seat. And I stifled my sobbing, and then, the service was over.

When I left I took the route by the altar, so that I could bow one last time before it. I thought a man would dare cross my path as I was about to kneel, and nothing makes me more angry than when people get in my way. But he kneeled as well, and I felt solidarity. 

I exited, and I really hope I will never return.

For the sober alcoholic

You descended into a great ignorance,

but you have not been defiled by anything in it.

You descended into a great mindlessness,

and your recollection remained.

You walked in mud,

and your garments were not soiled,

and you have not been buried in their filth,

and you have not been caught. 

The (First) Apocalypse of James

Trust in the Lord

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."

Isaiah 58.6-12

Permanent sobriety

I have been contemplating what the steps really do for our sobriety. I believe that if we practice the steps daily, we recover and do not pick up a drink again. But a friend who relapsed after twenty years said that he was working his steps, and another friend who has over twenty years of sobriety and who is a solid member agrees that one can relapse even in the midst of the steps. 

I just can't adhere to that, and that would be fine, if I didn't have a prodigy. Am I teaching her the truth? The unfortunate, the one who can't get or stay sober, is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Therefore, why wouldn't it be considered that they were not honestly working the program, practicing the steps day in and day out, and when struggling, even more rigorously?

Reconciled to sin

“Not being reconciled to the fact of sin— not recognizing it and refusing to deal with it— produces all the disasters in life. You may talk about the lofty virtues of human nature, but there is something in human nature that will mockingly laugh in the face of every principle you have. If you refuse to agree with the fact that there is wickedness and selfishness, something downright hateful and wrong, in human beings, when it attacks your life, instead of reconciling yourself to it, you will compromise with it and say that it is of no use to battle against it…The pure man or woman is the one who is shielded from harm, not the innocent person. The so-called innocent man or woman is never safe. Men and women have no business trying to be innocent; God demands that they be pure and virtuous. Innocence is the characteristic of a child. Any person is deserving of blame if he is unwilling to reconcile himself to the fact of sin."

Source - Utmost

Trust your twin will come, part 2

Another requirement for manifesting your twin flame relationship is to be (almost) healed of insecurities and feelings of inadequacies. If a person is lacking in self worth, if they feel that they do not deserve to stand on their own, then a relationship with his or her twin will not materialize, for in a twin flame relationship, there can be no reliance on the other half.

Each have must be fully self-supporting; this is just another paradox to be contemplated upon. It is fully normal and healthy to become a team, to be able to accomplish tasks that would not be practical to perform solo, but if reliance on a relationship to compensate for feelings of inferiority is even remotely present, then the relationship cannot be. Yet while a person must be able to stand on his or her own in any given environment, there are deep rooted hurts that can not be healed on one's own, or even meant to be healed on one's own through God's will. In this case, a twin flame relationship can happen, and will be needed for complete healing. 

This understanding whether or not a person is relying on a relationship for validation takes an incredible amount of introspection and brutal honesty. The person must be so aware of his or her feelings, that when feelings of worthlessness are surfaced they may be immediately confronted and dispelled. A good way of testing if one is feeling inferior is to ask oneself if he or she feels okay in an environment, or if it is felt that a person, in this case a mate, is required. If a person feels that they do not deserve to be present in a given situation, then that is a huge red flag on a person's spiritual development. 

In order for feelings of uselessness and self-pity to vanish, one must recognize their worth, and the best way to feel worthy is to help others. And when a person is spiritually fit, simply being present is helpful, because a spiritually fit person had the peace of God emanating from him or her. The offering of peace, even by simply existing in an setting is the most welcoming trait that a person can give. To comfort others is an inexhaustible resource that will be valued regardless of the environment, and once a person can appreciate this universally accepted possession that is designed to be given away, he or she will have the confidence that is required to be (re)united with their twin.