RIP Hotmail

Fraser, 

I just logged onto Hotmail for the first time since I heard about your passing, just doing my intermediate inbox cleanup, and for a moment I think I thought my usual thought, "I don't want to sign off right away in case Fraser's online". 

I could not believe when I got onto the actual program on Friday from my home computer, that I gave one last shot to sign in to. All I had to do was actually look at it to see that the only reason why I couldn't login, was because of an old password being the default. I now could see that there weren't enough digits. I couldn't select it, but I clicked sign on anyway. Once the login failed, I was then able to select the password and enter the updated one. And I logged on. And my heart sank. 

I would have kept that damn program logged in 24/7, just for the times that you were online and decided to message me. I have been signing into MSN since 2009, even though everyone abandoned it to use Facebook. You were my only friend who did not have a cell phone or a Facebook account. And I hated both but I had both. And I admired you for not falling for this bullshit that is destroying our society, but which I am now completely immersed in. 

I resented you the past year, because all you ever wrote was "nb" or "nb, u?". It was like talking to a wall. I even tried to uninstall it from my home computer, because it keeps showing every time I boot up my computer, and I have to close it. But I couldn't find it in the "uninstall" section, because once again, I didn't look hard enough to see it was in the Microsoft file. I'm glad I didn't uninstall it now, but I don't want to see it pop up anymore.

I think I am done with Hotmail. 

I looked at my phone last night, and thought about calling you. I believe you have an automated message now, but just in case, I wanted to hear your voice. But I was worried that your family would be there, or even that they might have forwarded the calls to their own phone line, and then I would have been embarrassed. I remember I really liked your old greeting, it was geeky and that made it awesome, because it was natural. 

So speaking of calling, I'm glad that you also made the effort to keep in contact with me over the years. Back when you and Stephanie moved in together, I stopped calling, because I wouldn't want a girl calling for my live-in partner, so I didn't want to do that in turn. But we still got to talk and hang out often, so thanks  :)

We were pretty good friends. I spoke to your dad on Saturday, and he told me how difficult it was and how sick you were the past few months. That was the time when you started calling me again as well, and we talked about grabbing a coffee. Now I think that it wasn't really going to happen, but I am sorry I never followed up with that. I felt a little guilty when your dad told me. Here I am crying to him what a good friend you were, and yet I didn't even know that you were suffering. And while I felt rejected by you the past year, and resented you because I had invited you out when you didn't have plans, and you didn't do the same for me, I also didn't know in part because I avoided you, because it was hard for me to see you the way that you were. And I didn't suspect that you were sick, I just thought you needed a new routine to regain your muscle mass. Why didn't you tell me that cancer was eating you alive?

Yesterday was a good day for me. It was sunny and somewhat warm after two straight weeks of overcast and flurries. I got to express my loss to a couple of people who are close to me at the women's meeting, and I smiled often throughout the day. Ballet went really well, and my friend bought me a bagel and a drink in between sessions. I felt like a positive presence in my evening meeting, and I suppose bringing left-over donuts that someone let me have from the women's meeting had something to do with that  :)

I was about to log off Hotmail, but wanted to check out at least one email from you before doing so. The most recent one was a year ago from a birthday greeting. You wrote that you knew we hadn't talked much lately, but that you hoped I have a great birthday. I just realized now that you sent it right on my birthday. And you know what, I didn't even appreciate it. All I was thinking about was, no one was posting "Happy Birthday" on my wall on Facebook. Meanwhile, I have a real friend remembering me, and I was just like, "Thanks".

Fuck man, maybe I am just tormenting myself now. You really were my best friend and I had resented you for having been so distant. Even unto death you were. I just went back into my inbox, and saw that I sent you an email back in 2011 titled, "C ya". We had that fight, and I said I had stresses and how I felt you contributed, and I told you to have a nice life. And another, the most recent, June 8th, four days after my dad nearly died. I asked if you were still on MSN.

I am just grateful to you for reconciling with me. I have been learning a lot lately, and I am ashamed at my selfishness. How could I have told you to have a nice life? I guess I didn't realize that it could be possible that a year and a half later not only would it not be nice, but that it would be over.

Rest In Peace Fraser Pirie

Father George says that when we die, the place that we had in God's mosaic becomes an empty space, never to be filled again; and now I know this is true.

You were my best friend for a number of years, and I thank you for calling me and making amends with me. It was so kind to ensure that I could be at peace in your death, so I could know that we were okay, and that there was still love between us.

I dropped by your parents' house this afternoon, and no one was there. I noticed fresh footprints leading to the backyard, so I went to the backdoor to leave the package that I brought. I looked around, I saw the sheds, the BBQ, the lot where you buried your dog, the window to the basement where your room was. It felt that I was just there with you yesterday, but you moved into first the apartment that you had, and then after that your condo. Really, we hadn't been in that backyard for over five years, I guess it was. I never said anything, but maybe you've known since we've been friends for the seventeen out of our thirty-four years, that I felt a relief when I was around you which I didn't have with other people, and your simplicity and straight-forwardness always amazed me.

Being in your backyard, and knowing that I would never spend time with you in it again (Took break to try to articulate a feeling that I don't even understand) made me feel sorry for myself, and made me regret the time wasted because we were pissed off with each other about the most irrelevant bullshit in this god forsaken planet. I want to punch something. Why didn't you tell me that you were dying? Didn't you know how much I loved you? Maybe not. I guess we didn't really talk about our feelings period.

But suddenly I realize, you did know, didn't you. I was truly shocked when I saw you at your birthday last May. Then I heard rumours that you had cancer. At the back of my mind, though I didn't believe it, I was wondering if you called me on New Years to make amends. Then when we talked a couple of more times after that, I figured the occasion simply motivated you to put mindless grudges behind us. But selfish me never talked about my part in it, I treated it as though *you* had finally come to your senses. I just pray to whoever this god is, that you always knew I never meant it when I said we were no longer friends, and I'm sorry that I have to put it out this way, but deep down, I know you know.

When you called a month ago and I was in my class, and I called you back the next day, you sounded rough, but said that you were sleeping and said you'd call me back. You never did, and though it was always in the back of my mind to just call back, I never did. 

How long have you been sick? How long have you known? Why didn't you tell me? Was insomnia and a muscle deficiency really something that you struggled with as well, or was that your front? I had no idea how much you were suffering. I know that you are in a better place now. I know that all of my sadness is my own self-pity and selfishness.

Bob is hurt because he didn't get to make amends with you. I feel a little badly for him, but it actually lets me see how much you loved me back. You made sure that I would not have to live the rest of my life in regret of not having reconciled with you. This makes me incredibly happy. 

I have never experienced this sort of loss before; there is no blueprint, so all of my emotions are so genuine. I truly feel joy despite this constant flow of tears; I truly believe you are still with me. I never thought my first experience of a friend dying would be one of the few people who I truly let into my life and who always made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

God has maybe prepared me for this. I am at a point in my sobriety where I am learning to see how disgustingly selfish and superficial I am, but today, I was able to be present. I love your family. Remember when you took me out rollerblading for my first time, and I used going down on my bum to stop myself from having to turn on to Kipling, and took all of the skin off the back of my thighs? And your dad picked the tar out while I did my best to not pass out or throw up :)

I am looking forward to your funeral, I know why people call it a celebration of life now. And your funeral is the day before Easter. When we honour you, it will be the day after Jesus' crucifixion. Jesus was dead, and now so are you, but Jesus rose, and so will you. And when it is my turn to rise, I will see you once again my friend. I love you so much. Peace.

The true nature of sin

The word "sin" does not appear in the Greek Bible. The word that originally is used is "missing".

"Mis" means "wrong", "ill", "mistaken", or "incorrect"

"Sing" means "incantation"

"Incantation" means "story", "speech", "to say aloud", "recite", "tell", "speak", or "declare"

So 'missing" means the wrong story, ill speech, incorrect story, or something of that sort.

Enter the Gospels - "Good spell" (Or, "God's spell")

It can be concluded that "sin" actually means "incorrect", and that it is not that mankind is fallen, which means less than, but rather erroneous in the understanding of our origins. When Jesus ministered, he told us that we were loved, "forgiven", and worth more than all else to the Lord: a radical change of view.

"It is finished"

What did Jesus mean when he said, "It is finished" while on the cross?

For the past 2 to 3 years, I have been interpreting his statement to mean the end of blood sacrifices. Jesus told the disciples that the Temple would fall, and sacrifices were permitted only at the Temple. In representing the pascal lamb, Jesus was declaring himself to be the last offering for the transgressions of he who holds the knife. 

After reading from the Aquarian Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have reiterated my assertion. The below excerpt is from Part 3, Chapter 18. Note: In Chapter 13, John the Baptist is told by an Egyptian priest, who prepares him for his role as the new Elijah, that blood sacrifice does not absolve sin, and furthermore that it was a tradition taken from idol worshippers from other lands. Chapter 13 can be found at the top of the page in the above link:

"THE great feast of the Jews was on, and Joseph, Mary and their son, and many of their kin, went to Jerusalem. The child was ten years old.

2. And Jesus watched the butchers kill the lambs and birds and burn them on the altar in the name of God.

3. His tender heart was shocked at this display of cruelty; he asked the serving priest, What is the purpose of this slaughter of the beasts and birds? Why do you burn their flesh before the Lord?

4. The priest replied, This is our sacrifice for sin. God has commanded us to do these things, and said that in these sacrifices all our sins are blotted out.

5. And Jesus said, Will you be kind enough to tell when God proclaimed that sins are blotted out by sacrifice of any kind?

6. Did not David say that God requires not a sacrifice for sin? that it is a sin itself to bring before his face burnt offerings, as offerings for sin? Did not Isaiah say the same?

7. The priest replied, My child you are beside yourself. Do you know more about the laws of God than all the priests of Israel? This is no place for boys to show their wit.

8. But Jesus heeded not his taunts; he went to Hillel, chief of the Sanhedrin, and he said to him,

9. Rabboni, I would like to talk with you; I am disturbed about this service of the pascal feast. I thought the temple was the house of God where love and kindness dwell.

10. Do you not hear the bleating of those lambs, the pleading of those doves that men are killing over there? Do you not smell that awful stench that comes from burning flesh?

11. Can man be kind and just, and still be filled with cruelty?

12. A God that takes delight in sacrifice, in blood and burning flesh, is not my Father-God."

Was Jesus an Essene?

Was Jesus an Essene? All signs point to "Yes".

1)  Essenes had no geographical location; they lived all over Judah ("The son of man has nowhere to rest his head")

2)  Ascetic, voluntary poverty, did not own property

3)  Studied mysticism, eschatology, and messanic prophecies

4)  Linked to the Dead Sea Scrolls, which taught how to perform exorcisms

5)  Celibate, did not marry

6)  One of the three sects of Judaism (Jesus was in all likelihood not a Pharisee or a Sadducee)

7)  Strict observance of the Sabbath day

8)  Ritually immersed in water

9)  Devoted themselves to charity (Jesus told his disciples to accept no money)

10) Flourished two centuries before Jesus' ministry, and two centuries after

11) Forbidden from sacrificing animals and from swearing oaths ("Do no call anyone on Earth your 'father'" - Note: "Father" is "God". We swear oaths on God's name)

12) Essenes did not keep slaves, instead they served each other (Jesus said that he had come to serve)

13) After a three year probation, members were initiated into the group (Jesus ministered for three years)

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Footnote 1

Footnote 2

Great article on Jesus as an Essene

Alchemy and the origins of man

Is it possible that life on Earth is a result of alchemy?

Half a century ago, a meteorite hit Earth, carrying the building blocks of life on it. Water, ammonia, and carbon dioxide were found on the meteorite, and scientists now wonder if our origins are actually extraterrestrial.

While the Bible says that we appeared from the earth, as a full human being, we know today that we originated from the sea, our earliest form being a single celled organism, composed of nothing much more than proteins, acids, and bacteria.

A little water here, a little amino acid there, and it can sound like a concoction that is used in spells and sorcery. In fact two and a half weeks after writing and publishing this blog, the BBC posted an article that scientists have (for now) concluded that what killed the dinosaurs, as well as 70% of life on Earth, was a comet carrying osmium, a metal which can trace extraterrestrial material. Is it possible that this alien material changed life as we know it, creating an ecosystem hospitable to mammals larger than mice?

It is being discussed more and more with the recent popular assertion of ancient astronauts, that Yahweh did not create us, but rather that a group of gods, or elohim, did. 

In understanding how life was formed from a few seemingly basic components, all working together, it is not difficult for me to imagine a pot with someone over it, throwing ingredients in and chanting.

Modern chemistry is attributed to an alchemist. The word "alchemy", which is a form of chemistry because properties mixed together cause reactions, not only share nearly the same name, but it also has its root word in "astronomy". Is this a coincidence?

While I believe we have evolved to mankind with little external influence, I do wonder if our origins are from an experiment, or if life is a result of what the father of chemistry pioneered, the "scientific method"; an experimentation by which a system used to investigate phenomenon, acquire new knowledge, or correct and integrate existing knowledge.