Shine bright

It's really incredible how consistent the messages from the universe which I have been blessed to receive have been, encouraging me to be myself, fully. I have always revealed myself in pieces, with intervals of stepping back in order to tow the party line and feel "a part of", but more and more I can see now that it's not only safe to be completely honest, but also that it is of service to others. 

And today I want to be of service. It's not like how it used to be, that I could only be helpful on the upswing: I can now be of service even when I feel like my world is crashing down. And yes, despite my rebirth, I can still get overwhelmed. The difference now is that I no longer let it cripple me, or turn me into a mope. I remain confident that good will prevail.

I need now focus only on the direction that I want to travel in, and not be distracted by intimidation. In sharing my journey, I help others, because I am helping myself. It was suggested the other week in a discussion online which I was participating in, that when we work to serve others, we are really helping the higher self within. I have been contemplating this, and now believe it to be true. When I write I do it for me, and then with the intention of encouraging others, I share it publically, without bias. If I inspire someone, great, and it will inevitably happen, because people motivate others just by sharing their passions. Ultimately though, my actions are for my own well-being and fulfillment. 

"Speak your truth". I have heard this for a while, and it's not just in the new age circles, it's on prime time television, but I have never known what it means. Now I know it means be authentic, and practice what you believe. 2018 has been said to be a coming of age for many people, where we have completed our transformation, and come into a light where we are nourished. Then we go out into the world and with courage inspire others.

I am in a time of transition and acceptance, but also of gratitude for the path that I have travelled, the ability to look back and ahead and see threads tied together in the present. I have a new trust in God, or maybe better put, a trust in God that is firm, for the first time. Healing and growth don't just happen through determination and will power, they happen by being absolutely fearless. 

It is only when we are not afraid of the future, or of pursuing our talents, that we become a light to others: where we shine so brightly, we are unstoppable. The right people are placed in our path, and foes don't get too close. The universe continues to inspire, and in service, so do we. Passions are ignited, and in the pursuit of our interests we trim our lamps, and show others the way, by way of our solid convictions. 

Learning to trust

I often wish that I could be a consistent Christian, and solely that. It is hard to be a mystic, and I admire both the cradle Christians who kept their faith into adulthood, and the "born-again" Christians who are excellent at testifying and ministering. But I always fallback at some point, either I am plagued by some specific biblical interpretations of these Christians, or I am pulled to the occult arts, from whence I came.

Another reason is that I get really bored with technical theology. Yes, the Catholic Church is rich in tradition: it has the fruits of the saints dating back thousands of years, which includes some who were reportedly alchemists and magicians, such as Albertus Magnus who holds the greatest esteem. He has been declared a "Doctor" of the Church - a saint who is said to hold magnificent intercessory powers. In over 2,000 years of history, and countless saints, there are less than forty of them. But it's a long trudge to study the saints. Even in the writings of the more mystical saints, such as Saint John of the Cross, produced works are still very rigid and dense. I invariably am left feeling so alienated, and I find it not worth feeling so separated from others.  

However, I have found as of late that my Program of Recovery is enough of a "religion" for me, whereas all else is but a supplement. In the final analysis, all of my spiritual routes agree with each other: there are no contradictions, and therefore there are no distractions. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), and so I feel I can trust these aids.

I can be born-again regardless of my professed faith. I become a new person once I accept my devastating weaknesses, and stop fighting and manipulating to get "my way". I come to understand that my problems are all because I get attached to a false sense of ownership, of entitlement. The key here is TRUST, and that is not easy for anyone who has been repeatedly disheartened and is malnourished in spirit. I have found that the mania to "obtain" what I "want" is a result of fear - fear that I will be neglected and not survive. And that is extreme, not only because my livelihood has never been threatened, but also because the fight has been to procure excess, and that is insane.

Trust needs to be taught, I had to learn how to trust, I had to listen to people whose truth was evident explain how to attain this through basic, very basic instruction and examples. I have had to rest the past couple of months, but I have re-emerged in my rebirth, and am ready to be a witness to living a healthy, peaceful, and trustful life. The confidence I have gained though is a double-edged sword: I must not rest on my accomplishments, and I must remember to be humble, which means acknowledging that I in no ways attained enlightenment through my own design or study. Yes it took independent work, but it also entailed the honesty of letting others know that my wineskins were in fact old and that I needed a new direction.

Starting each day with the intent to represent God, in other words to be kind and considerate even when my patience is provoked, is when I set the intentions to GOD that I will exist in his image. And when I fall short of that mark, which I inevitably will as even the saints have, to not feel defeated. For me, I have come to find that my feelings often betray me, and part of my training is to not give into them when I am thrown a curveball. The enemy - that which keeps us from being blameless, wants us to be discouraged. It wants us to stay away from things that heal us, and we agree because we feel unworthy. The truth is, we must always turn to God and others for help, even when we are embarrassed or disappointed, because otherwise, how will we get better?

Fear is the root of all evil, all sin comes from one form of fear or another. Even in the Garden of Eden when Eve disobeyed God, she was acting out of fear, even though that might not be an immediate observation. The one who wanted her gone told her she could have super-powers, and BAM, she saw only what she believed she didn't have, and it was imprinted in her that she wouldn't live up to her full potential. She didn't trust God, she didn't believe in all of the good things that he had planned for her. Not trusting God is the absolute worst thing that we can do to ourselves. All anxiety and remorse stem from our distance from God, which then lead to really dangerous actions manifested from thoughts of anger, envy, and greed, to name a few. 

To trust and believe in God is ultimately to trust and believe in ourselves. But when we are confused, that inner voice is muffled, or worse, completely ignored. That is the enemy's intention: to obliterate any voice of reason or conviction: to convince us that we have nothing to offer, to make us feel ashamed and unworthy to go to God, or to believe that we are not "good enough" to apply the talents that he gave us to share with others. 

Now that I have been reborn, this is all so simple for me, but it took a lifetime, most notably the past ten years of intense spiritual work that never really yielded any consistent results. My old life has now passed away: I have been given new wineskins. In order to recognize the limiting beliefs that had been impressed upon me, and that I had nourished myself, I became hurt and levelled enough to step out of myself, and into hope, with no guarantee of gain. I had to admit that all of the efforts that I had exerted in order to obtain was an abysmal failure, and that there was a better way. This is because I was beginning to respect the witnesses that came before me, and I only understood once I was ready to accept that my way doesn't work. 

Thank you God for giving me the strength to accept what I cannot change, and the courage to change what I can. The courage to change my direction, and the strength to move along it. What was a meaningless parroting of words is now the bedrock of my life, and today, it is an exceptionally good life.

The divine mosaic

The past couple of days I have been feeling extremely drained and existential. I haven't been happy with the lot assigned to me, and I began to question my actions, or more accurately, inactions. While the final verdict is to get outside into nature, I am today feeling much more confident and am feeling restored. The messages that I am receiving today are clearly telling me that all is well. I have overcome obstacles, and though they were magnified with a now seven day stretch of insomnia like I have never had before, and going on the 5th or 6th day of overcast and some rain, I have emerged victorious. As Saint Paul said, I have finished the race. Technically, he is talking about his imminent martyrship, but for me, I stayed the course this week. I was told all last week to keep my focus, not knowing that a big part of it meant to put one foot in front of the other this week, and to try my best to do it with a smile.

Another important lesson is to stay loyal. One of the things that I have been struggling with this week has been feeling a little confused about where my allegiances lie. Again, the answer returns to where are my talents, and to be confident in where I fit in. I have a few new role models this week, and one of the reasons why they are my inspiration, is because they never waiver, even when it makes them uncomfortable. This is my ultimate goal I think - to find my calling and to stay true to it. God has been reaffirmed in my life, a major revelation inspired by some people around me, who I chose to listen to, because I chose to place myself in the background during this vulnerable time. And I mean really reinstated, to the point of physical action. 

Action is the solution to my problems because my problems arise from my actions. That solution is to respect a certain code of conduct. After being knocked down from the problem of disrespecting boundaries, I have been beaten into a state of reasonableness. Sadly for me, this is how I tend to be disciplined, but I have come to understand, which was really brought home last night, I don't need to keep fighting: I need only to accept when I truly have no power, and therefore no control over certain circumstances. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote that if we connect freedom to things that are outside of ourselves, we will suffer, but if we stay within our own power, which does not even include our own bodies, and this can be demonstrated through horrible illnesses and diseases, we will not have one single enemy (2).

Humility is the backbone to right living. "Humility", I think, is the most widely misunderstood word in the English language, which I have spent, without exaggeration, years meditating and reflecting on, and still cannot report with complete confidence or support what it means. But so far my new understanding of it, which was passed onto me on New Years Eve by a very young man who resembled, no fooling, Jesus, told my friend and I that the root word (always go back to the root word, I am SO surprised with myself that I didn't) means "ground". Currently, I interpret humility to mean "levelled", to be equal to others.

In placing myself on even-ground, earth-bound, there is a sort of rebirth that I have experienced, and it has liberated me. As Bill Wilson wrote, there is a degree of perfection that God has created for us, and it is when we, through our misguided will power, stray from what God has intended, and instead try to choose for ourselves what we think we should have or do (65). Only through humility can I resist the urges to infringe on the autonomy of others: trespasses committed when I step out of my degree of perfection in defiance. 

What relief there is when I can recognize both what ails me and what heals me. And better yet, when I can do something about it. My inner voice is much more clear, and my thoughts, which lead to my actions, are much more natural and positive. Now that I have been reborn and set on the straight path, I am keeping the confidence to stay connected to my route, because I know all too well how easily I can move off-course. The key is to have the appropriate role models, and to remain loyal to my vision, to what I have been working toward for years. My vision is to keep optimal health to my own personal trinity - body, mind, and spirit. I do this by staying true to the activities that work for me, to keeping the course, to continuing to move forward, no matter how dissuaded I might become. 

Truth is not subjective, while it is fun to interpret, there is an order, a pattern, a degree that is set by nature and it cannot be manipulated. Once I can appreciate where I belong, where I fit into that arrangement, I can be a person who respects both myself and others, and in so be open to receive the serenity that I pray for.

In God's mosaic, everyone has a place and a purpose to be honoured, and it is in that design where we are utterly free and beloved.

Rejuvenating Rain

I wasn't feeling too optimistic about writing a piece, but my day slowed down considerably, so I decided to shuffle some cards from my Sacred Traveler deck. This card was facing upward, and it also fell out as I was shuffling. So cool, because it is so on point, and this is the first time I have had this sort of contact with the spirit world. In the not so distant past, this would have terrified me, but as I have reached the spiritual stage of apprentice, in this case the high priestess as described in the Tarot, I am wanting more and more to connect with the spirit life. I have always experienced what could be considered frightening run-ins with the spirit realm, but have never had conscious contact with it before.

Today is rainy, it is mild and has rained I think non-stop since last night, It is now almost four p.m. - that's a lot of rain, and it doesn't always rain like this, or is this mild in February. We're having a thaw, which is great because it snowed a lot a couple of weeks ago, also non-stop, and I eventually gave up shovelling.

I am also having a thaw, in my heart. While I connect to the Stoic philosophy, and the strict traditions of Christianity, I know now that my very survival, in other words my sobriety, the foundation of my mental health, depends on me not having all the answers. What I mean by this is, it's not always my season to be front and centre: sometimes I need to accept that I don't have much strength, and need to  be still in the background. 

In accepting the seasons of the heart, I have found more peace, because my relationships are more genuine. Today's message shows me that my healing is still taking place, and I not only require help at times, but I also need to fallback at times, as well. The problem in recovery is that it is a spiritual climb where I often forget that the summit is for myself, and no one else. If I can help another person, that is a true blessing, but I will no longer allow codependency to motivate me. My program is not a mystery school and the Steps are not degrees where I pass through levels of initiation: I must leave my reputation out of it. 

This is the time for clearing, and I am not sure how much of a window I will have, so I need to make the most of it now. This means I must look at the damage, all of it, and have it removed. I know for certain that this will not happen on my own strength alone, I will need the help of others, which I was surprised is a message of the high priestess. I would have thought she would be complete and autonomous, strong as steel with the wisdom of the sages, but aide will be needed. "Aide". That's surprisingly a different word from "Aid". The first means someone of importance. I use this word with complete intention.

But it's not just an aide that I need, I need to continue working with my spirit guides, in truth, they are of greater assistance to me at this time, and the message I have been given very strongly the past week is to stay focussed. It's easy for me to retreat in complete fear of the devil, but if I keep the Cross first, ahead of me as my shield, I will rather think that any force which distracts me from my apprenticeship will be but a guiled foe.

The people who put the Cross before me were the first to initiate me with water, and I was told thereafter that rain is a reminder of my promise to God. For me, my promise is to be the best version of myself, the absolute best, and this means to live in complete harmony with others, my environment, and my circumstances. Now is the time for me to be fully healed, so that this might be accomplished. As the rain nourishes, so too is the bravery to fight the silent fight, where there is no glory, but only survival. Today I am not my best version, I still need to fake it at times. But soon, my presence shall need no words, but only the space that has been cleared by the cleansing rain.

All in the setup

I'm watching Gotham, and it took longer than usual for me to "get into" a show, but now I think it's actually fascinating and complex. I am nearing the end of Season One, and an episode closes with one of the characters doing something uncharacteristically stupid, which will invariably enable even more anarchy and violence in the troubled town.

Sometimes I am watching a show, whichever show that might be, and an event will happen that seems almost ridiculous, and then I think to myself, almost in consolation, "Well, then there would be no story." Isn't this true for so many events in our lives which dumbfound us? How many times have I thought back, often without intention, on something that happened, and wondered, what on earth was that for? 

When I was in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, my mind was in a constant struggle with itself, and there was one thing that tormented me the most, that I blamed so much of my trouble on - the loss of my best friend in grade six, as we went to different schools when it was time to move on to middle school. (This is how addicts often think - we focus on something to blame or to use as a means of making sense of the way situations turn out. However addicts who recover work through their resentments, the "number one offender", and then rebuild).

Amazingly, she transferred to my high school in one of the last years. We had not kept in touch by the time we had started high school, and by then, we were strangers. That was no excuse for us to not even talk once we were being educated under the same roof, though. Even though I had a new group of friends the real reason was, I couldn't even look at her. I hated who I was growing into. My high school was special in that it offered a program for aspiring Olympians. She was training to go for gold in her sport, and I was doing things I was so ashamed of.

One day in early recovery I was on the bus, and she came to mind, as she often did, and I asked God,
"Why did You take her from me?"
Because that was how victimized I felt, when her parents sent her to Catholic school, and I went on to drown in public school with a bunch of new girls who I just could not relate to. Then a voice came back to answer,
"I have so much more planned for you."
As I stumbled in and out of the rooms in my first two years of being in A.A., I asked God again,
"Why do You let us fall?" This message wasn't God's voice directly, it was maybe an angel's, and it said,
"Because God loves a comeback story."

Without these accidents, or tragedies in our lives that seem so unfair, or so pointless or unnecessary, we would have no "story", we would have nothing to share with the world. The Christian faith teaches that God loved us into existence, and I can respect how so many people would spit on that and say with full conviction in their broken hearts that God doesn't love them, that God doesn't even know they exist. But for me, I know that I don't have to be here, therefore I know I'm important, I am to be used for something and that makes me loved. Ir's a paradox. 

For some reason this world is here, and everything in it is connected, and everything fights for survival, and then passes away. One species depends on another, depends on another, and so it goes. While I am loved, it is not all about me, and once I understood that, the incidents and trappings of my life really just feel like a placement, like preparation for something so much greater than the things I believe I lost. Once my self-absorption became earth-absorption, I found a passion and a purpose for which everything that seemed like the biggest hit, was just in the setup.

Seasons

I suspect that bad behaviour made by people in positions of authority or respect becomes acceptable, because it can allow a mob mentality, and there is strength in numbers. I have been experiencing in my social and professional life dishonest, misleading, and outright unfair actions that shouldn't be allowed, but are, and now I think I know why.

There is comfort when we surround ourselves with people like us, but that isn't always the right thing to do, or the best for our intellectual or emotional growth. There's a saying, "If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.", but I think this mob mentality thrives on the continuation of lowering standards, despite the harm it does to us individually and within the collective we're in. This is where this mob mentality can become a subtle foe, because it obliterates all reason.

Now why do we allow for this? I have two theories: 1) We don't want to be challenged in our set ways, most especially when we are being invited to change in a way that involves humbling ourselves to be of service, rather than to be lifted high and mighty, and 2) We try to maintain the pack by accepting inappropriate, even aggressive behaviour of individuals, even when it hurts the whole. Typically this is done when the pack leader is not personally affected, and again lacks the humility to see it hurts those in the whole.

This all boils down to the seeming inability to be humble, which in turn degrades the whole. This is a perfect example of how humility actually means strength, how spirituality is by no means weak. When the people who lead the others can't stay levelled, controlled, which is how I understand the word humility today, then the people who are part of the pack, who hold no influence, are left in limbo - or worse - removed either by choice or coercion. The head of the mob continues on, not even realizing they are slowly asphyxiating themselves. It's actually tragic.

This is where I do my best to weigh my options, and to make stronger connections with people who I believe I can rely on in future times when packs go through unhealthy seasons. I have found that times of distress are really opportunities to cleanse and rebuild. Today my role models are people who aren't afraid to go through the pain and discomfort of purging. When I am strengthened through discipline, it is easier for me to be compassionate when the herd is diseased, and the leaders are corrupted. 

To be focussed is so important, so that there is no time for analyzing, and worse yet, acting on feelings. "This too shall pass" is a cliché that can be used to justify apathy and despondency, but in truth, you don't have to keep your standards and spirits low, sitting around in frustration, waiting for the season to change. You can instead prepare for what is sure to come - tomorrow.

Safe and protected

I was in Valentine's Day hell yesterday, and since it involves another person, I will not divulge but simply leave it at that, because that is not really relevant, anyway, it was merely a mirror that today I am so grateful for having seen clarity through. 

Last night was the apex of what had been building up for months, and I felt like my entire, and I mean entire, world came crashing down. I felt devastated. I didn't want to drink, but I realized that I had, completely unwittingly, planned and executed my release from Alcoholics Anonymous. And frankly, I was pleased with that. I considered different forms of treatment, and I felt resolved.

In Alcoholics Anonymous we call problems not relating to alcohol, mostly different forms of mental illnesses, "outside issues". I am a member who suffers from one of these "outside issues", and I suspect is a factor in my anarchist tendencies regarding resistance to literature and tradition within the fellowship. The program simply cannot work as effectively on me as it can others, and this is a fact that is legitimate and needs and deserves to be honoured.

At the end of my work day yesterday I was entering the office after a kerfuffle at my mechanics, and they were having a little Valentine's party (avec wine) in the conference room, which was very lovely though I was super grateful that my work of the day was done - I simply had to grab my left-over lunch from my desk and take it to the kitchen. But I dropped a plate as I scurried past the party, and one of the guy's yelled out, "Oh sure destroy the place!". He generally speaks VERY loudly, and is actually my favourite coworker, though I work in the front and am not in much contact with the others, but I was so pissed off in general and then I made a mess, so that definitely was not helping. I didn't even respond or pause, I kept walking because my hands were too full to pick it up anyway. Someone was kind enough to get up and bring the dish to the kitchen, and it was one of those quintessential acts of kindness that makes such a big difference. 

Having dropped that plate, and my coworker saying that, was such an awesome "remember when", because that would have been me - shouting out stupid things that only aggravate people. Then I went home and thought about Canada's new marijuana law coming in July this year. I recalled how I have often wanted to take a few puffs when I am on the brink of relapse, how it would calm me down, and how it has nothing to do with alcohol and is therefore nobody's business. But the times I came close to getting some, I backed down, mostly because I don't trust the person who I would be getting it from. I think I would always feel the shame of "will that come out", as I continue on my journey in A.A.

But with pot becoming legal soon, we will also be able to grow our own plants. I can have an endless supply and no one will EVER know!! Not only will no one know, I'll get to feel closer to the universe, as weed always made me feel more creative. It's PERFECT!

Then reason and logic kicked in. And they kicked in through the power of God, so never say to me that science is in opposition with faith (people who act scientifically superior probably couldn't solve a basic formula, anyway). Reason told me that the weed will hurt my lungs, make me lethargic, make me smell bad, give me a horrible night sleep, agitate my "outside issue", and give me a headache when I wake up. Then logic told me that I don't need anything to be connected to nature or my creativity, and then God told me that He is with me even in mundanity, in fact He is with me the strongest when I am simply toiling away at my daily duties. 

My fire dragon, which I am now certain is my personal spirit guide, is staying extra close to me right now as I readjust to a new phase in my recovery. He burns the lower energies that tell me I am inadequate and incomplete, and then creates a fiery wall of protection where I may refuel, encouraging me to go on and remain inspired. The Christos strengthens me as I move further into life, that which there is conflict, is also where truth and conviction draw courage from.

One day at a time has a whole new meaning for me today, and today, I am okay.

Lily of the Valley

Bless this stifling silence,

and vindicate the absence;

make righteous your poor servants,

release us from our bondage.

Rectify this tower,

and bestow on us your power;

remember when it flowered,

those Lilies of the Valley.

Bring unto us our saviour

to loosen after we labour,

and bind up all this onus;

then we shall heal from guidance.

Recall the prayers and readings,

and listen to our pleading,

that we may return to Eden,

to those Lilies of the Valley.

Stay the course

Today I had to make a rapid decision regarding conflict at work by using using intuition and discernment over logic. I had to fully trust myself, knowing when it was time to back down. And while I am a spiritual person, I have never trusted my discernment, in fact, I have feared it. Satan is a subtle foe disguised as an angel of light, so who am I to judge? 

But my dragon came to me today and gave me his power to make a decision, through the strength of God's holy day of atonement - Shrove Tuesday. With my guide that the Lord ever so lovingly and mercifully sent to me to help take the action needed to make amends with multiple people, including myself, I was able to effortlessly speak from the heart. Now I have the peace needed for another honest day's work, I feel so very blessed and hopeful, with the anticipation of great things in store for me.

My attitude shifted about half an hour into my day. The years of training through the Twelve Steps and sponsorship kicked in like muscle memory. I read some motivational literature, and I remembered that I am a good person and a hard worker, no matter the circumstance. I believed in myself at that moment and I resolved to have a good day, despite the pain that I was in.

I made a decision to believe in my own greatness, and I started on the work that I felt was inappropriately and rudely dumped on me last week, which I had been putting off. I instinctively knew I was better than to leave it to stare and fume at, I even considered hiding it (how mature). But God had planted in my heart to rise above my petty resentments, and to live in His grace. 

So I chose love. God is love, and I therefore need not fear any inadequacies that I might struggle with in my insecurities of discernment. Today I have a Program of Recovery where I can see exactly where I go wrong, and when my intentions are selfish, or selfless. Sometimes I need to sleep on it, sometimes the seed that God plants in my heart to say "I'm sorry, I will correct this" needs to germinate, but when it does, the impossible becomes easy, and I feel free.

Recommit to destination

• Be clear about your direction
• Do not compromise
• Follow your dreams
• You deserve the best
• Prioritize
• Do not veer off course
• Release from what is not part of your course
• Place intent and passion on one thing

From Denise Linn's "Sacred Traveler" Oracle Cards

Back to basics

So now my second article of the day! Kind of a continuation of the first in a way...

Now that my schedule is changing due to the relocation of my home group in A.A. (LOVE feeling the freedom to break anonymity), I can go back to BALLET!!

Not to say I couldn't take any classes beforehand, but the advanced class on Friday was cancelled, and I am way too tired after a full-day's work to go down two or three levels, very demoralizing. I would rather have just hit a meeting or call it an early night. 

This class that I am now free to take is only one level below the most advanced that was offered at this particular studio, but just barely lower: they are pretty much the same level. I haven't danced since December, and even then I was skipping a lot. My health was in decline since September and I just kinda gave up. One person said to me that I really "blew up" (which apparently happens "as we get older"), and another person asked me if I was pregnant.

It was devastating, to be honest. I have what some would call the unhealthy personality of black-and-white thinking, perfectionist, all-or-nothing, type-a...whatever not-so-nice labels we give to people who don't fit into our molds. But yeah, sometimes I drop the ball. A lot, actually.

But I never fully gave up. I continued to educate myself on the art, I read articles and interviews, watched YouTube videos, and studied the history of famous dancers, companies, and theaters. Plus a little stretching in between chocolate bars and french fries. 

Today I am so much more realistic and practical and I think, more accurately, grateful. There is one thing in this world that I feel certain about - I was going to grow up to be an addict, and nothing that could have curbed that was going to have been permitted in my life. 

I had, and still have, all of the markings of a professional ballet dancer - long limbs, short torso, long neck, big personality, and solider-like discipline. But if my dream had manifested, if I had made it into a company, my disease in turn would have never manifested to the point that I would have found my way into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and consequently break my family curse. 

Today, I am okay with where I'm at, for the most part. I have a mentor who teaches me about this ancient art, my craft, and I have a safe place to go and to fail, with some moments of triumph, however fleeting those might be. Ballet isn't about achieving an end-goal, it is about working toward an ideal - it is life. As my teacher says, ballet is a cruel mistress, but how I love her. 

Meet me on the trudge

Alcoholics Anonymous is a trip, and it's not for the faint of heart. One of the strongest lessons that I have learnt in the program is to not give my power away to people, in other words, to not let anyone affect me to the point that I make decisions based on them. And as I continue on the trudge OF happy destiny, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that my next turn along the Path - joining a new group - has absolutely nothing to do with any particular person.

However, as a group conscious, I believe there was an inflexibility which was not entirely within the group's control: in large part it is victim of location and custodianship. This is not a smear campaign, nor is it an excuse for me to up and go without warning. Simply as I mature I can now pick and choose my battles, and I know where reformation is needed, and where I will not use my resources. I say this because this group was my refuge for nine months, and there might be a handful of people who feel blindsided by my sudden switch, especially since I had a high-profile service position where I was nowhere near finishing my term.

But I have a BIG personality, and I soon discovered that where I was trying to place my roots was a garden, not a forest. Different groups work for different people, and there was not a single person with whom I did not feel kindred to. Not one, and I need to stress that. Collectively, however, I was forced in a box where "suggestions" were actually "rules", and where conformation was expected and correction was common. But I am learning self-love, and I refuse to conform. I will not be cultivated in a manicured lawn, I need to be unruly with the wild beasts of uncharted land. 

As I embark on a new adventure, as I learn more about myself, as others witness my unreliability, and as I begin to admit to my limitations, I want to go further. I am not looking for fame, I am not looking for a good reputation - "Always say yes", "Be at every business meeting", "Have a service position", "Call another alcoholic", "Pray" (superficially as outlined in an archaic book by an addict who never won against his demons to his dying day).

No, I just want to be sober. I want to break my anonymity, I want to reform when I need to, and stand down when it's not my fight. I want to accept that I don't have a squad, that newcomers don't flock to me, and that I don't believe it's my job to scout them. I want to work my Program to the best of my ability. I want Alcoholics Anonymous to stop being a space of predominately white Christian expats, I want to stop being afraid of how social media can affect relationships in the meetings, and for once, I want to put principles before personalities.

Not this time

The Stars were aligned,
but not for me.
The year was new,
but I was still old.
The moon was of God,
but I was not.
The talk was flowing,
but nothing was meant.

My body was ready
but my spirit was not.
My lover was there
but it was for naught.
Patience endured.
But I finally broke.
And now I can't breathe
And so he is gone.

Destined for greatness

Sometimes it might take a day or two, and a lot of tears and a lot rest to see the truth, but what seems like a setback for you, is really a setup for God. Expect great things: you are destined for so much more than you can even conceive.

"It is written:
'Eye has not seen, and ear has not heard,
imagination has not yet entered your heart,
the things which God has prepared for you.'" - 1 Corinthians 2.9

Broken

I have been searching for prosperity through positive affirmations, pleasure through the stars, wisdom through the mystical, and self-healing through the "power of thought". But those routes are demonic, and left me dejected and exhausted. They are but a foam foundation, under the guise of firm mortar: the devil's greatest illusion. The soil under is infertile, where the seed cannot possibly take root.

There is only one answer to relieve spiritual aridity, and that is THE Christ. Anyone who has a problem with Christ, please remove me from your friends' list - I don't even want to know you.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" 

Healthy giving

I won't be posting this article on my Facebook page, as I will be discussing Alcoholics Anonymous, and while I feel like a lousy, unproductive member, I care deeply for, and honour the Twelve Traditions, and show this in keeping with anonymity at the level of press. I do not use my last name on this blog, which is intentional for the purpose of charting my process in the program. And this is part of the sacrifice, because I love to showcase my writing. But I must remember it is only now by the confidence that I am gaining through the program and fellowship where I am able to share my work, even though this blog is now 7 years old.

I was very excited about last night's meeting, for a couple of reasons. We were starting right from the beginning of a new chapter, and I haven't been consistent with this particular meeting, so I felt like I was getting a fresh start, but mostly it was because of the celestial event of the very rare, super, blood, blue moon that was occurring. I prepared for this moon for a full week, and I really thought I was going to have a rock-solid meeting and be so energetic and inspire people, and be connected and all those wonderful (natural) highs that can happen in meetings. But NOPE, it was the complete opposite, which is too funny and I really should have seen coming.

I felt totally disconnected, uninspired, uninspiring, and even slightly irritated. I won't get into the nitty-gritty of what happened in the meeting, out of respect, but let's just say it was definitely a full-moon! And yeah, I still had a great meeting and ended up connecting with someone by the end, but I felt so useless! I didn't even share, which is so unusual for me, especially since I love to hear myself talk. I didn't share because I felt I had nothing to share. We were reading from "Working With Others", a chapter devoted entirely to Step Twelve. I am not working with anyone right now. If you ask a couple of people, one or two might say I'm their sponsor, but really, there's no communication. There are various reasons that, since involve other people, I won't write about.

Last night I actually felt guilty, which is so toxic, especially for us of the alcoholic type, but I need to, without making excuses, respect my limits. I knew I was going to be going into a Step Twelve discussion, and as I was preparing to leave for the meeting, I thought about all of the women I know who work with so many others, who new members seek out, and how that's not the case with me. But I have an amazing sponsor, one of the most solid people I know in the program, and so that's where I draw strength from. Someone was very rude to me a while back, because I drew the line in trying to help a member who for well over a year couldn't stop drinking, and this has bothered me, because I don't like feeling judged or being made to second-guess myself. 

But Christ is my Lord and my example, and this person, no matter what their talk is, is not. Every time I want to pick up a drink, I think about the time where Christ showed himself to me, and I just can't let him down again. He is my rock, and he is the one I answer to: it is his path that I follow. Jesus came only for the lost sheep of the house of Israel, and even then, he spoke in parables so as to not throw pearls before swine. I can only help those who want to help themselves, and if I can get sober, so can they. For me, there are no excuses as to why someone cannot be successful in the program, and I maintain my right to establish healthy boundaries, and to value my time and energy.

And to be able to do so is a gift of the program. When I first entered A.A., I listened to people (mostly women) talk about "boundaries", and truly, I had no idea what they were talking about. I knew I was codependent and irrational, but I couldn't even fathom what healthy interaction with another person was. I couldn't imagine that I would ever learn how to set boundaries.

Well, life is a great teacher, and the inappropriate behaviour of others in places where it could not be ignored or dismissed would teach me how to set those boundaries, because by the grace of God I met a woman who walked me through it. Much of my insecurities and codependency has been healed in me through establishing, and continually maintaining, those boundaries. 

There is such a thing as healthy giving, and I know when I can help, and when I can't. For now, I help others by being kind and attentive, and by keeping my shares solely to the reading taking place, and my alcoholism, nothing else. There is so much more to the program than helping every single last person I meet in the rooms, there is service of other natures, such as administration which I am currently in, and cleaning up, which I do at my home group. 

Today I have confidence, I can with relative ease walk into a room without panicking beforehand, and I am settling in nicely with my talents. This is in large part because I have learnt how to give within reason. It's so important for me to not be pressured to be a certain way in the program, because I can't afford to let other people have a say in my recovery. Today I am so proud of the progress that I have made in self-respect, and yes, when the student is ready, I will be prepared to teach.

"Caretaking and compulsive giving don't

work. I choose what I want to give,

to whom, when, and how much."