Alcoholics Anonymous is a trip, and it's not for the faint of heart. One of the strongest lessons that I have learnt in the program is to not give my power away to people, in other words, to not let anyone affect me to the point that I make decisions based on them. And as I continue on the trudge OF happy destiny, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that my next turn along the Path - joining a new group - has absolutely nothing to do with any particular person.
However, as a group conscious, I believe there was an inflexibility which was not entirely within the group's control: in large part it is victim of location and custodianship. This is not a smear campaign, nor is it an excuse for me to up and go without warning. Simply as I mature I can now pick and choose my battles, and I know where reformation is needed, and where I will not use my resources. I say this because this group was my refuge for nine months, and there might be a handful of people who feel blindsided by my sudden switch, especially since I had a high-profile service position where I was nowhere near finishing my term.
But I have a BIG personality, and I soon discovered that where I was trying to place my roots was a garden, not a forest. Different groups work for different people, and there was not a single person with whom I did not feel kindred to. Not one, and I need to stress that. Collectively, however, I was forced in a box where "suggestions" were actually "rules", and where conformation was expected and correction was common. But I am learning self-love, and I refuse to conform. I will not be cultivated in a manicured lawn, I need to be unruly with the wild beasts of uncharted land.
As I embark on a new adventure, as I learn more about myself, as others witness my unreliability, and as I begin to admit to my limitations, I want to go further. I am not looking for fame, I am not looking for a good reputation - "Always say yes", "Be at every business meeting", "Have a service position", "Call another alcoholic", "Pray" (superficially as outlined in an archaic book by an addict who never won against his demons to his dying day).
No, I just want to be sober. I want to break my anonymity, I want to reform when I need to, and stand down when it's not my fight. I want to accept that I don't have a squad, that newcomers don't flock to me, and that I don't believe it's my job to scout them. I want to work my Program to the best of my ability. I want Alcoholics Anonymous to stop being a space of predominately white Christian expats, I want to stop being afraid of how social media can affect relationships in the meetings, and for once, I want to put principles before personalities.
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