The Degree of Perfection

"In this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old-time attitude of ‘all or nothing’ will have to be abandoned." - Bill Wilson, Grapevine, March 1962

I have always strived for perfection, to the point that I would deny myself certain opportunities because my position in them wouldn't be at the highest rank. My fundamental Christian practice also helped foster the idea that perfection was possible, because I misinterpreted the text and gravitated toward people who could confirm my beliefs.

It wasn't until I reached a new bottom that I finally began to entertain the idea that perfection was in fact not possible and that my stubborn chasing after it was actually antithetical to my intention to follow and have confidence in God. I finally surrendered to the concept that I am not counted on to be perfect, rather I am to aim for a degree of perfection that God wishes for me (65).

The relief that has followed has given me a more authentic application and a peace of mind that I am not only on the intended path, but that I will be provided for. Trying to control people and outcomes is a toll on the mind and therefore body and hurts myself and others. I didn't realize that I was wresting with God, but today I can trust that God is in everything and that He works through people. In believing this I have been able to appreciate the events in my life and also be released from dependence on others. A wonderful result of this changed approach is an understanding that I do not owe anyone: the chips fall where they may.

When I hit my bottom at the beginning of the month I blamed myself and my practice. I looked to make sense of the mess I created and my only conclusion was that I failed to execute certain objectives somewhere along my journey. But today I believe that sometimes I am simply human and ignorant and sometimes I will create chaos. Now I know why I take a daily inventory where I look at the stock in trade in order to throw out what is costing me to keep. It's not because I am perfect and do the do things, it's because I'm not perfect and so I desire to keep check of what is happening in my day.

Pain is the great teacher, because it catapults me into action, and when I am in action I am in the world relating to others, and when I am relating to others I am interacting with God who I am trying so hard to identify with, because God works through people. In understanding this I am better able to accept discomfort not as an enemy that needs to be defeated, but as a signal to release my worries to God, which is His will for me.

Saying Thank You

Six years ago last night, I went on my last drinking binge. And last night as I prepared for service work in the program of recovery that through grace and works gave me my sobriety, a man who has been a cornerstone in my journey, but who is a veteran of the program and so I don't really fellowship with, approached me as I entered an empty church basement, wet and shaking off lots of snow.

Stuck in my mind, partly lamenting recent decisions made, partly fearful of new opportunities, and most definitely reminiscing of last winter as this first snowfall reminded me of a place in space and time that I wished to return, he said seemingly out of nowhere, "We always want more. It was only until I learned to say 'Thank you' that I began to get better!"

From God's lips to my ears.

In my instinctive nature of defiance, which is a hallmark of an addict, I thought, "Where on Earth did that come from, and no, that is totally not what is going on right now." Until I realized, hey wait a minute, it is entirely what is going on here. And I had a breakthrough epiphany of what authentic gratitude really is, and why modern psychology is suggesting it is even a key to physical health.

When I first got sober it was suggested that I write a gratitude list everyday. And this has been a great tool because it helped to rewire my brain. The result is I would be able to immediately find a silver lining in any disappointment that would ensue, and is a skill that I still have even though I no longer actively write gratitude lists.

But when I was a little over a year sober and had my first heartache, which was amplified even more by not being able to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, it was suggested I could say "Thank you" for the time that I did have with this person. I felt dismissed. Did my then-mentor not understand how much anguish I was in? I needed to figure this out and get this person back, not accept it and let it go. I didn't even know about the problem of control I had and how it was the root of most of my troubles. I was still trying to run the show.

As the years went by I learnt more about the program, how to work it, and how to see that its application wouldn't actually diminish me as a person, but rather reinstate and strengthen me. And this past half year I've been learning more about gratitude and the principle of coming from a place of sufficiency, not of lack, which has always been my Achilles heel.

The miracle that happened last night was I realized true peace and happiness does in fact come from thanking God, even if it's for something we no longer have. I am not asked to thank God for a painful experience in the present, but I can thank Him for an enjoyable experience in the past that I am grateful for, and that can be used as a measuring stick for how I want to go about moving forward.

Why do I always need more? Perhaps the answer to this would be the cure itself. In the meantime, there is no quick fix to a broken dream, a wounded heart, or a misfired mind, but knowing how to be grateful is a huge load off, and that is the entire point - to release the heavy baggage that we carry on our way back home.

Placing Healthy Boundaries

We live in a culture where it is acceptable to take. There is a twisted assumption of entitlement, and we have undefined boundaries. Individually, many of us don't even understand what a boundary is, let alone know how to protect ourselves by instituting them.

I have seen the dismissal, discouragement, and even outright rejection of boundaries in every facet of my life, from my personal home life, to my places of employment, to my havens of recovery. Not having or understanding boundaries permeates our entire society, and it is infectious. I only learnt about boundaries a few years ago, and am still learning how to set them up and maintain them, so I fully understand how this is such an elusive topic. It is only by the grace of God that I am one of the few who have learned this priceless life lesson, and it is my privilege to pass on what I know.

Setting up boundaries is such a new phenomenon, I couldn't even find a Bible verse to use as my preamble for my Facebook page  Wisdom in Christ Ministries, and so that is why I am blogging this instead. I thought that John 8.6 said that Jesus drew a line in the sand, but when I searched to reference it, I discovered that he wrote in the sand. But I am not discouraged, as I have found strong allies in modern psychology with a beautiful mentor and a trusting doctor to help me navigate these at times choppy waters.

I truly wanted to learn about boundaries. Six years ago when I got sober, I didn't know what people were talking about when they said "Set up boundaries". But my pride was so massive when I began my genuine road to recovery, as I was a militant Catholic. How could I ask people with New-Age philosophies to help me spiritually? However three years later God did for me what I could not do for myself, and he repeatedly placed abusive people in my path directly where I needed to go for my recovery to the point that I had to learn how to protect myself, or just leave. The latter was not an option. I am so grateful for the challenges that I experienced in order to learn what was so baffling to me.

Today my boundary-placing looks much different than it did three years ago when I was learning how to implement them. Today it is protecting my time and my energy. Something that I was told a couple of years ago in my dance studies, where there is little time and energy to practice, is that people will always ask things of us, and if we love our art, we must set boundaries (I'm paraphrasing). Once I was told this I was able to recognize it everywhere, and today as I get older and more confident, I see how that shows up in ways I wouldn't have even considered.

It shows up by people taking. And this is so crucial for us to understand because people who can't set up boundaries are the people who fall prey to takers and oftentimes don't even see it, because people who can't set up boundaries often come from a place of trauma and become people-pleasers. They are an easy target. Taking time, taking information, taking vulnerability (and not offering any of these things in return) are the insidious ways that culprits take advantage of those who don't have boundaries in place.

One way to start setting up boundaries, for those who unlike me have to learn for the very security of our personhood, is to simply listen to that nudging and unwelcomed thought, "This doesn't feel good." Then by taking the second step - assessing whether this person is asking for something, or whether they are offering something. Chances are, it's the former. For the single ladies out there, I implore you to really look at this in the early stages of courtship, as difficult as this might be and as much as loneliness wants to ignore it.

We all, whatever stage in our lives we are in, need to let these takers GO. That is the ultimate, final, liberating step in boundary setting. Let in only those who love you, who want the best for you, who will be your Angel's Advocate. And while I couldn't find a Bible verse to support my exact topic, there are countless examples of where Jesus said "No", even to healing certain people. That is the ultimate boundary-setting :)

Knowing Good From Evil

This piece probably isn't for a general audience. This piece is for those who are very dark within, who have a soul-sickness, a seed that didn't sprout because it fell on infertile soil and is now rotting, and for those so broken they feel other-worldly. You are my kindred-souls, my heartbeat when I am weary. Wherever my life takes me, may we be connected forever.  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I have been contemplating how is it possible to emotionally browbeat the people who we love? I find it is so disconcerting that we can mercilessly hurt and be hurt by people who are cornerstones in our lives. The general answer I've heard over the years is that we know we can get away with it. We are confident that we can act out of line and be forgiven. But there must be more to it than that, because the stakes are way too high at times to make the assumption that person will still stand before us after the chaos.

The most brilliant person I know has the answer, or at least, the evidence of how that sort of abuse is possible. We make ourselves vulnerable to people when we give them access to emotions and knowledge. I found this theory so interesting. When we make ourselves vulnerable, there is a soft spot - I won't call it a weak spot, I'll just call it a place where the person who we choose to trust has safe passage to our minds. I wondered why do we want to use sacred spaces in people's psyches to take them down in times of strife?

The answer was immediate - The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The theft of the fruit of this holy tree was our first crime against God. (Genesis 3.1-6) When our ancestors took what wasn't theirs to take, their eyes were opened to powers that God said was only intended for Him and His heavenly Council. But now we have power that our finite bodies and under-developed minds cannot hold. And we go mad.

We want to hurt the ones we love when they do not in fact or in fiction live up to a reasonable or unreasonable standards that we have willfully and selfishly imposed. But why do we want to decimate them? Because in the knowledge of who and what we are, and in the entitlement and ownership we feel in knowing who and what they are, we perceive a dishonouring and we demand vengeance. We attack the sacred space that they showed us in moments of love. We regress to a denser time when the Law was an eye for an eye, at the very least.

So how do we learn to stay calm and come into the age of love and tolerance where we turn the other cheek? Do we emotionally disconnect from our loved ones? Do we become recluses and retreat to a metaphorical mountain far, far away? Do we go to therapy and analyze our childhoods? Read self-help books? Study Buddhism?? When I have the answer, I'll let you know. In the meantime, may our pride be lessened day-by-day to not only give to God that which is objectionable to us and within us, to not only apologize promptly when needed, but to actually recognize when these alien obstructions are in us that need to be released.

Yes, we come from thieves. Our birthright isn't happiness, it's a life-sentence. But I really do believe that ransom of our lives was paid for on a bloodied cross, and at the foot of it I will continue to cry in the passion that I never had to suffer in because the One who has All Power already did that for me. For us. And until I have all the answers, I will continue to use to the best of my ability my God-given judgement which is my intuition otherwise known as gut-instinct, in order to give and take knowledge from people who I care about and who care about me.

The Passion of Christ © The Trustees of the British Museum

In Right Relationship With God

Something that I have learnt in 6 years of concentrated and consistent work in recovery is that there are no hard and fast rules to staying safe from making really bad choices after a lifetime of hard-wiring that would have me utterly destroyed.

The phenomenon of believing that anyone has all of the answers to the problem of mental health is called idolatry and it is just about the greatest offence that one can make to God. The Bible teaches us that we have a daily duty to God, which is to offer up our broken and contrite hearts. That means any hope of my sanity rests pretty much solely on giving to God all that is deformed within me. If I follow a guideline that someone passes on to me without true worship, I will invariably slip up. Some ways I have personally missed that mark is not starting early enough within a given timeline, or by intentionally or even unknowingly leaving work out that is necessary for some semblance of a defense against a magnetic force that wants me dead.

But when I start my day not with ritual, not with the wisdom of people, or the inspiration of the sages, but with the full knowingness that I am volatile, fearful, selfish, hateful, judgemental, depressed, and resentful, I might actually have a chance of giving that to God and not keeping it in me only to have it come up without warning when the opportunity presents itself.

Today I understand this as what modern psychology calls "triggers" - reactions to stimuli that seemingly come out of nowhere, causing so much strife and reminding me of where I really stand. And what I have learnt through bitter experience is that there is not enough time in a day, not enough literature, not enough teachers, not enough prep work, not enough good intentions, to remove or control these triggers when they appear.

The only real solution is the action of continually turning over to God all that causes me stress, all that aggravates me, taunts me, rebukes and condemns me, but most importantly, to start my day with the offering up of my brokenness rather than chasing after the euphoria of being divinely inspired. After a lifetime of making people, places, and things my higher power, all that validates me, all that makes me beg for relief through a phony declaration of works-based approval, there are no more words, no more prophets, no more allies. Everything is burnt to the ground, and the only way to rise from these cursed ashes is to give it ALL to God ALL the time.

It's not about having a "relationship" with God. Jesus is very clear about what fellowship with God looks like, and it's not babbling conversation in a desperate attempt to be safe from this world. It's a true knowing of God, and a true knowing of ourselves in relation to Him. And what am I but a crushed spirit and an aging body. And what is God but pure unadulterated sacrifice in the love of taking all that rips me apart.

We always look for the glory without accepting that which comes before the glory: the gut wrenching hardship and destitution. But without being beaten, how can I even know of victory, let alone aspire for it? When did being humble become synonymous with being rejected? That is one of the biggest lies we have ever been told. There is nothing wrong with being broken, because if we are not broken then we do not need God. And if we do not need God then we end up making people our leaders, and that to me is more alarming than not being in perfect health.

The stakes are high, the answer is clear, and yet we fuck it up Every.Single.Time. And that is because of ONE thing - idolatry.

“Quit your worship charades.
I can’t stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can’t stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You’ve worn me out!
I’m sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I’ll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I’ll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you’ve been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don’t have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless." (Isaiah 1.13-7, MSG)

A New Gown

I have always been searching for something to define my importance. A fancy title at work, a designer handbag, a trendy hair style, killer heels, outerwear that would meet Kate Middleton's approval...but after obtaining those things I learnt they didn't add to my feelings of self-worth, even though I achieved them on my own merit (which yes, I am proud of). The truth is, even after the blood, sweat, and tears put into resembling someone of high-status, I painfully discovered that I had really just traded my sense of peace for them.

Because in striving for the wealth of this world I really had no other choice than to put God aside in order to maintain those material standards. Maybe it was simply poor time-management, not dedicating sufficient time for prayer and meditation going into the "real world", but I have a feeling that is not the full picture. Because I know that when I crashed, and hard at that, I was in fact doing everything "right". So right in fact, that I deceived even myself.

Something that has been building up lately is the seemingly out-of-nowhere revelation that my entire life has been a lie. As I enter my 7th year of sobriety I now have the tools given to me by people who came before me to dig away at what was so deeply buried that I actually had no idea the atrophy that was festering away. And this, I know, is God's timing. I was not prepared to work through the discord of all I have concealed until now.

But what I have been able to address in October, through the gift of a karmic relationship, is that I don't have to use harsh language anymore. I can still soldier on, call a spade a spade, and yet gently look at the deception to have been a coping mechanism that I used to survive, rather than having been manipulative on purpose. Because living a double-life wasn't my intention. Calling people to me and then holding them away at arms-length wasn't my intention.

I still want what is in the world, and even the righteous of God were given jewels, gold, and fine textiles, but those weren't what defined them: they were simply materials taken from the earth to be enjoyed when appropriate. It seems God is calling me to do some deep healing at this time, which will include living in a place of humility unlike what I have ever known before.

Days are upon me that I must learn from, and build from. And I choose to go without fear or shame. This season I will wear sackcloth, but I will prepare to reemerge in fine linens for the next season, accompanied by all who will.