Something that I have learnt in 6 years of concentrated and consistent work in recovery is that there are no hard and fast rules to staying safe from making really bad choices after a lifetime of hard-wiring that would have me utterly destroyed.
The phenomenon of believing that anyone has all of the answers to the problem of mental health is called idolatry and it is just about the greatest offence that one can make to God. The Bible teaches us that we have a daily duty to God, which is to offer up our broken and contrite hearts. That means any hope of my sanity rests pretty much solely on giving to God all that is deformed within me. If I follow a guideline that someone passes on to me without true worship, I will invariably slip up. Some ways I have personally missed that mark is not starting early enough within a given timeline, or by intentionally or even unknowingly leaving work out that is necessary for some semblance of a defense against a magnetic force that wants me dead.
But when I start my day not with ritual, not with the wisdom of people, or the inspiration of the sages, but with the full knowingness that I am volatile, fearful, selfish, hateful, judgemental, depressed, and resentful, I might actually have a chance of giving that to God and not keeping it in me only to have it come up without warning when the opportunity presents itself.
Today I understand this as what modern psychology calls "triggers" - reactions to stimuli that seemingly come out of nowhere, causing so much strife and reminding me of where I really stand. And what I have learnt through bitter experience is that there is not enough time in a day, not enough literature, not enough teachers, not enough prep work, not enough good intentions, to remove or control these triggers when they appear.
The only real solution is the action of continually turning over to God all that causes me stress, all that aggravates me, taunts me, rebukes and condemns me, but most importantly, to start my day with the offering up of my brokenness rather than chasing after the euphoria of being divinely inspired. After a lifetime of making people, places, and things my higher power, all that validates me, all that makes me beg for relief through a phony declaration of works-based approval, there are no more words, no more prophets, no more allies. Everything is burnt to the ground, and the only way to rise from these cursed ashes is to give it ALL to God ALL the time.
It's not about having a "relationship" with God. Jesus is very clear about what fellowship with God looks like, and it's not babbling conversation in a desperate attempt to be safe from this world. It's a true knowing of God, and a true knowing of ourselves in relation to Him. And what am I but a crushed spirit and an aging body. And what is God but pure unadulterated sacrifice in the love of taking all that rips me apart.
We always look for the glory without accepting that which comes before the glory: the gut wrenching hardship and destitution. But without being beaten, how can I even know of victory, let alone aspire for it? When did being humble become synonymous with being rejected? That is one of the biggest lies we have ever been told. There is nothing wrong with being broken, because if we are not broken then we do not need God. And if we do not need God then we end up making people our leaders, and that to me is more alarming than not being in perfect health.
The stakes are high, the answer is clear, and yet we fuck it up Every.Single.Time. And that is because of ONE thing - idolatry.
The phenomenon of believing that anyone has all of the answers to the problem of mental health is called idolatry and it is just about the greatest offence that one can make to God. The Bible teaches us that we have a daily duty to God, which is to offer up our broken and contrite hearts. That means any hope of my sanity rests pretty much solely on giving to God all that is deformed within me. If I follow a guideline that someone passes on to me without true worship, I will invariably slip up. Some ways I have personally missed that mark is not starting early enough within a given timeline, or by intentionally or even unknowingly leaving work out that is necessary for some semblance of a defense against a magnetic force that wants me dead.
But when I start my day not with ritual, not with the wisdom of people, or the inspiration of the sages, but with the full knowingness that I am volatile, fearful, selfish, hateful, judgemental, depressed, and resentful, I might actually have a chance of giving that to God and not keeping it in me only to have it come up without warning when the opportunity presents itself.
Today I understand this as what modern psychology calls "triggers" - reactions to stimuli that seemingly come out of nowhere, causing so much strife and reminding me of where I really stand. And what I have learnt through bitter experience is that there is not enough time in a day, not enough literature, not enough teachers, not enough prep work, not enough good intentions, to remove or control these triggers when they appear.
The only real solution is the action of continually turning over to God all that causes me stress, all that aggravates me, taunts me, rebukes and condemns me, but most importantly, to start my day with the offering up of my brokenness rather than chasing after the euphoria of being divinely inspired. After a lifetime of making people, places, and things my higher power, all that validates me, all that makes me beg for relief through a phony declaration of works-based approval, there are no more words, no more prophets, no more allies. Everything is burnt to the ground, and the only way to rise from these cursed ashes is to give it ALL to God ALL the time.
It's not about having a "relationship" with God. Jesus is very clear about what fellowship with God looks like, and it's not babbling conversation in a desperate attempt to be safe from this world. It's a true knowing of God, and a true knowing of ourselves in relation to Him. And what am I but a crushed spirit and an aging body. And what is God but pure unadulterated sacrifice in the love of taking all that rips me apart.
We always look for the glory without accepting that which comes before the glory: the gut wrenching hardship and destitution. But without being beaten, how can I even know of victory, let alone aspire for it? When did being humble become synonymous with being rejected? That is one of the biggest lies we have ever been told. There is nothing wrong with being broken, because if we are not broken then we do not need God. And if we do not need God then we end up making people our leaders, and that to me is more alarming than not being in perfect health.
The stakes are high, the answer is clear, and yet we fuck it up Every.Single.Time. And that is because of ONE thing - idolatry.
“Quit your worship charades.
I can’t stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can’t stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You’ve worn me out!
I’m sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I’ll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I’ll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you’ve been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don’t have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless." (Isaiah 1.13-7, MSG)
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