We live in a culture where it is acceptable to take. There is a twisted assumption of entitlement, and we have undefined boundaries. Individually, many of us don't even understand what a boundary is, let alone know how to protect ourselves by instituting them.
I have seen the dismissal, discouragement, and even outright rejection of boundaries in every facet of my life, from my personal home life, to my places of employment, to my havens of recovery. Not having or understanding boundaries permeates our entire society, and it is infectious. I only learnt about boundaries a few years ago, and am still learning how to set them up and maintain them, so I fully understand how this is such an elusive topic. It is only by the grace of God that I am one of the few who have learned this priceless life lesson, and it is my privilege to pass on what I know.
Setting up boundaries is such a new phenomenon, I couldn't even find a Bible verse to use as my preamble for my Facebook page Wisdom in Christ Ministries, and so that is why I am blogging this instead. I thought that John 8.6 said that Jesus drew a line in the sand, but when I searched to reference it, I discovered that he wrote in the sand. But I am not discouraged, as I have found strong allies in modern psychology with a beautiful mentor and a trusting doctor to help me navigate these at times choppy waters.
I truly wanted to learn about boundaries. Six years ago when I got sober, I didn't know what people were talking about when they said "Set up boundaries". But my pride was so massive when I began my genuine road to recovery, as I was a militant Catholic. How could I ask people with New-Age philosophies to help me spiritually? However three years later God did for me what I could not do for myself, and he repeatedly placed abusive people in my path directly where I needed to go for my recovery to the point that I had to learn how to protect myself, or just leave. The latter was not an option. I am so grateful for the challenges that I experienced in order to learn what was so baffling to me.
Today my boundary-placing looks much different than it did three years ago when I was learning how to implement them. Today it is protecting my time and my energy. Something that I was told a couple of years ago in my dance studies, where there is little time and energy to practice, is that people will always ask things of us, and if we love our art, we must set boundaries (I'm paraphrasing). Once I was told this I was able to recognize it everywhere, and today as I get older and more confident, I see how that shows up in ways I wouldn't have even considered.
It shows up by people taking. And this is so crucial for us to understand because people who can't set up boundaries are the people who fall prey to takers and oftentimes don't even see it, because people who can't set up boundaries often come from a place of trauma and become people-pleasers. They are an easy target. Taking time, taking information, taking vulnerability (and not offering any of these things in return) are the insidious ways that culprits take advantage of those who don't have boundaries in place.
One way to start setting up boundaries, for those who unlike me have to learn for the very security of our personhood, is to simply listen to that nudging and unwelcomed thought, "This doesn't feel good." Then by taking the second step - assessing whether this person is asking for something, or whether they are offering something. Chances are, it's the former. For the single ladies out there, I implore you to really look at this in the early stages of courtship, as difficult as this might be and as much as loneliness wants to ignore it.
We all, whatever stage in our lives we are in, need to let these takers GO. That is the ultimate, final, liberating step in boundary setting. Let in only those who love you, who want the best for you, who will be your Angel's Advocate. And while I couldn't find a Bible verse to support my exact topic, there are countless examples of where Jesus said "No", even to healing certain people. That is the ultimate boundary-setting :)
I have seen the dismissal, discouragement, and even outright rejection of boundaries in every facet of my life, from my personal home life, to my places of employment, to my havens of recovery. Not having or understanding boundaries permeates our entire society, and it is infectious. I only learnt about boundaries a few years ago, and am still learning how to set them up and maintain them, so I fully understand how this is such an elusive topic. It is only by the grace of God that I am one of the few who have learned this priceless life lesson, and it is my privilege to pass on what I know.
Setting up boundaries is such a new phenomenon, I couldn't even find a Bible verse to use as my preamble for my Facebook page Wisdom in Christ Ministries, and so that is why I am blogging this instead. I thought that John 8.6 said that Jesus drew a line in the sand, but when I searched to reference it, I discovered that he wrote in the sand. But I am not discouraged, as I have found strong allies in modern psychology with a beautiful mentor and a trusting doctor to help me navigate these at times choppy waters.
I truly wanted to learn about boundaries. Six years ago when I got sober, I didn't know what people were talking about when they said "Set up boundaries". But my pride was so massive when I began my genuine road to recovery, as I was a militant Catholic. How could I ask people with New-Age philosophies to help me spiritually? However three years later God did for me what I could not do for myself, and he repeatedly placed abusive people in my path directly where I needed to go for my recovery to the point that I had to learn how to protect myself, or just leave. The latter was not an option. I am so grateful for the challenges that I experienced in order to learn what was so baffling to me.
Today my boundary-placing looks much different than it did three years ago when I was learning how to implement them. Today it is protecting my time and my energy. Something that I was told a couple of years ago in my dance studies, where there is little time and energy to practice, is that people will always ask things of us, and if we love our art, we must set boundaries (I'm paraphrasing). Once I was told this I was able to recognize it everywhere, and today as I get older and more confident, I see how that shows up in ways I wouldn't have even considered.
It shows up by people taking. And this is so crucial for us to understand because people who can't set up boundaries are the people who fall prey to takers and oftentimes don't even see it, because people who can't set up boundaries often come from a place of trauma and become people-pleasers. They are an easy target. Taking time, taking information, taking vulnerability (and not offering any of these things in return) are the insidious ways that culprits take advantage of those who don't have boundaries in place.
One way to start setting up boundaries, for those who unlike me have to learn for the very security of our personhood, is to simply listen to that nudging and unwelcomed thought, "This doesn't feel good." Then by taking the second step - assessing whether this person is asking for something, or whether they are offering something. Chances are, it's the former. For the single ladies out there, I implore you to really look at this in the early stages of courtship, as difficult as this might be and as much as loneliness wants to ignore it.
We all, whatever stage in our lives we are in, need to let these takers GO. That is the ultimate, final, liberating step in boundary setting. Let in only those who love you, who want the best for you, who will be your Angel's Advocate. And while I couldn't find a Bible verse to support my exact topic, there are countless examples of where Jesus said "No", even to healing certain people. That is the ultimate boundary-setting :)
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