In Your Eyes

Many many years ago,
Before the curse grabbed hold,
I looked into your eyes
and said I'd never let you go.

It's not like this day wasn't coming,
It's not the present or the future that I see,
It's the past, and knowing I was absent
Not protecting what I promised would be.

What time is left, I will see you again
You and me, we are the same.
I'll look into your eyes once more
And you'll relieve me of all the blame.

Because that what the saints all do,
Those who can do no wrong
Those who are mistaken and misunderstood
Those who never could belong.

Double-minded

"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." - Two- Face, The Dark Knight Rises

John Donne famously wrote, "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." Supposing that this is true, it should be said that we must reach a time where we are corrupted. I have been contemplating the idea of assimilation into the world. Can God's people withstand the debasement of the unregenerated human nature and overcome our inclined weakness to conform?

Jesus said to Peter, "Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail." (Luke 22.31-2). There is no promise that even the saints won't succumb to the evil of the world. There is no guarantee that even the devout won't be polluted.

There hardly seems a solution. But if Jesus prayed for us, it would be nothing short of stupidity that we do not pray for our integrity, faith, and commitment as well. St. Paul said that true worship (honour) is a daily renewing of the mind. (Romans 12.2) In this same breath Paul addressed the pressures of the world, of our environments, and he offers incredible hope. What we failed at yesterday, we can overcome today.

Pray for your redemption, to be delivered from the iniquity of this world, from the destitution of your surroundings and the insistence of those within it. The best part about failing is knowing what precisely needs to be changed. We are not defined by our mistakes, we are defined by our efforts.

Living in Joy

"Joy is the ultimate creator." (Gabrielle Bernstein)

In my experience, times of joy have been far and few between. But I have developed a new way of living over the past 5+ years where I am learning what for me is true definition of joy. I used to think that joy meant happiness, cheer. and success - and it does, but today I think of it as exaltation.

When I am animated, I am able to create, and then it comes back around full circle where I experience joy once more in appreciating what I have made. But it took a long time for me to learn this. Instead of creating out of joy, I destroyed out of agitation. It's no wonder that joy has been virtually absent from my life.

But I then began to learn a new way of living where I also adopted a new definition of joy - Freedom. Freedom from all of the passions that I thought joy represented; freedom in now knowing that happiness, cheer, and success are not what will give me a quality and honest life.

For a very long time I lived in emotional and material scarcity, but worse than that, I thought I deserved it. Even today as I practice material and spiritual alchemy, I must resist the belief of karma, that I get what I deserve. And yet I also resist the belief that I am entitled to joy. I am not entitled to anything, in fact that word repulses me. But I am able to gladly reap what I sow, and in the miraculous when I reap what I do not sow, I acknowledge what was given to me.

"Freedom is never free".  Just as I have to work to create, I also must to work to experience joy. There is a process of deprogramming and that is no easy feat. Finding the right methods and breaking free from tyrannous systems can be exhausting. People think that the therapy is for the deprogramming, but we also need recovery for the process of reversing brain-washing as well. That process is just as traumatic as the events that led to needing help in the first place.

Living a life of joy, of creation, is still elusive to me. It's hard to imagine a life with joy in it. So much so it took over half a week to actually write this piece and publish it after having it saved as a draft. The only reason why I chose this topic is because I pulled a card from a deck called The Universe Has Your Back. I felt like playing with cards in the goal of finding a topic to write on. But today I forgive that selfishness that has been at the root of my inability to live in real freedom and creation, because I believe that is merely a coping mechanism that I adapted growing up with alcoholism and mental illness.

In writing this piece, I believed that I was denying Jesus' teachings on joy. Since I couldn't recall an exact quote of Jesus speaking about joy, I did a quick Google search, and I saw this from the Gospel of John, the most romantic, beautiful, and mysterious book in the entire Bible:

"Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." (John 16.20, NKJV)

It will take time. The road to recovery is long - if we are lucky and survive the journey that is often in worn-out sandals, with blisters, wild animals waiting to devour, the blazing sun and bitter cold, hunger and thirst, and all sort of aches and pains. But today, I could never say no to that walk.

Evil Personified

It is chaos.
It is loud, and yet inaudible.
They yell when I must speak
Jealous of each other, but show fake love.

When the cat is in,
They behave.
They are simply mice,
but I have lost my compassion.

They broke me down,
and I prepare for flight,
because I have wings,
And they hate that I can soar.

But in my heart, I know I can't really fly.
I am a mangled dog, infected and pathetic.
I wonder, if I am good enough,
Will you keep me?

Oh how they taunt me.
And God no longer provides.
I tried so hard to serve,
but now, I am just a shell.

A Truce

When it comes to healing trauma, the Bible doesn't say too much about it. Mental illness, which is the product of trauma, was considered a demonic possession (as were all forms of illness and why Jesus could heal on the spot). Today, other than the orthodox religious, we do not believe that mental or physical illness is the result of Satan's attacks, but rather biological defects. Because of this, it can be really hard to target specific people with comforting verses in scripture, because there are none that specifically address mental or even physical illness. This is because Christianity is dedicated to dying to self and lifting up our crosses. The problem with mental illness though is that it attacks the mind in such a way that the sufferer is essentially incapable of this sort of sacrifice.

I believe this is why New Age is popular - it addresses pain and stress in a very friendly and colourful way, and of course that is attractive. But it is rooted in emotionalism and is fleeting. Still, I am entertaining the thought that New Age can act as an appendage, adding a psychological component. Now, this is murky water for two reasons: 1) It suggests that the Bible doesn't have all the answers, and 2) It can water down parts of the Bible that are popular for the public to take from, but taken out of context.

I am feeling a very strong calling to open up to this idea though, because I have never been fully on-board with the born-again Christian community: their fear-tactics very rarely affected me because blood is thicker than water and I am a Masonic legacy. Now that I am starting my own ministry, this might actually be the time to remember that while Jesus is the narrow gate (Matthew 7.13-4), the highway for God's people is broad, so that they don't lose their footing (Psalm 18.36).

I know I have come down hard on the New Age community since my born-again experience on July 19, 2019, but that is only out of love for all who are like myself - broken and defeated, and I want to warn against the self-exertion of self-healing that we do and attempt through the New Age movement. I have been mentally and physically ill from the New Age and what it asked of me and what it "offered" me, to the point I believe there is permanent damage. But I also see in it the beauty of inclusivity, the virtue of hope, and the aspiration of strength.

It hasn't been easy for me to minister the Gospel, to have my words fall on closed ears and shuttered hearts, and by no means will I compromise the message of the cross in order to win followers, but I am willing to walk with a bit of the way until it becomes evident that God will walk the entire way. I have the advantage of knowing Jesus and of never having been afraid of the New Age as my colleagues have, and so this places me in a position of timeliness that I believe is genuine and can be extremely fruitful, for both myself and those willing to get honest with themselves and God.

I have been extremely damaged by the New Age to the point that even some of its language repulses me, and I have experienced for myself and observed in my peers fruitless results. But I also believe that there is an ideal within it that might be effectively tapped into. It is within that spirit of forgiveness, healing, science, progress, sacrifice, and peace that I will work to be of the utmost service, while still maintaining the integrity of the violence that those who gave us the Bible had to endure.

False Peace

The problem with the "prosperity gospel" is that it teaches the *now*, with only material blessings and abundance. The Good News is twisted. That we are atoned for by Jesus is removed from the equation, and it becomes that we are destined for health, wealth, and happiness. This is 100% out of alignment with what the early apostles taught and experienced. It ignores the ENTIRE message, which is to repent and accept everlasting life, and to reject this world of decay and selfishness.

"There is no greater love than this: to lay down ones life for his friends." (John 15.13). "Name it and Claim it" is New Thought repackaged and teaches healing WITHOUT preparation! It is a total scam, and makes us God. It is rejection of Christ and is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. It is not "feel good", "Be agreeable", "Don't make waves" "One love", It is the original definition of mind control, and is at best egoism.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" (Matthew 7.15). False prophets speak of the a path where everyone can get along, where everyone can have their needs met, where God will perform the impossible for the dejected souls and use miraculous stories in the Old and New Testaments to suggest "That could be you!" with, as true to prosperity preaching, not including the ten verses above and below which explain the FAITH and the REDEMPTION through WORKS that are required for the chosen to be granted exception to! 

And this is why we who minister call these "witnesses" wolves. Because they devour and destroy. They perpetuate stagnancy and sin by saying that our trouble will go away if we just pray the right way, or believe in the right way, or think the right way. And it is the last point that bothers me the most, because a sick person cannot think themselves well, as the disease starts in the mind (1 Peter 5.8-9).

Which leads me to my next point - spiritual warfare. I understand the desire to come across as a loving, kind, open-minded person. And I am here to say that we can still be those things, and have conviction in Christ. Christ was gentle and meek: he sacrificed for ALL people, even when there were times he tried to go on his own way, he always turned back to help those not of his flock (Matthew 15.21-8), (Luke 17.11-7). We can be tolerant and compassionate while still recognizing the Way of the Cross is violent and requires weapons.

There is healthy fighting, and unhealthy fighting. I know the difference because I have engaged in both. Unhealthy fighting is based in fear and selfishness. It is the product of acting out in sin, and it is 100% futile. Healthy fighting is taking a stand against injustice in the physical world, and maintaining a circumscribed heart in the spiritual world. I know what it's like to want to fight, and to not want to fight. The desire to fight is based in ego and pride. It is an addiction whereby the brain activates the adrenal gland and releases epinephrine. For those of us prone to chemical dependence, this actually feels really good and validates us in many ways.

But healthy fighting is within a respected perimeter where we know it is the absolute last resort and is not desired or necessary to feel satisfied. In fact, though it is healthy it can feel awful, just like a diet or the foods contained in that diet are oftentimes unpleasant. My life has been a fight from the beginning, and because of that, along with my direct experience with Jesus in 2011, I have made peace with conflict. The world I know, my inner world and the world around me is constant resistance, and that my friends can be used for good.

Pretending that things are okay when they are not will not protect anyone from snares, and that is because these are undetectable traps, hidden and camouflaged. Satan doesn't come to us with scary features, he comes as a beautiful angel of light (2 Corinthians 11.14). Know the difference between superficial peace and real world hardship because ignorance might protect us in a fallen world but in the world where our ransom has been paid, it is of no use (Matthew 22.11-14).

Through Fasting and Prayer

"Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting." (Matthew 17.20-21, NKJV)

I've know this verse by heart for years, because fasting has always been one of the hang-ups in my discipline, and I know that as a healer, I must make peace with that and have seasons where I practice it. For those of you who well enough know your Bible, and are not familiar with the last sentence, it might be because it has actually been removed from many translations. Some versions even go so far as to jump from verse 20 to 22. I only realized this upon preparing to cite the scripture, and I thought I was losing my mind when I could not find it! Not the NIV, NLT, MSG, or ESV - all my favourite Bibles - had it. So, I went to the king of Bibles, pun intended. The King James Version is my general go-to translation when I am confused about a passage. I cannot emphasize the relief I felt when I finally found verse 21. This is a huge recognition that I must process now, and that will be for another day.

In the meantime, the purpose of this piece to to help those who are preparing to perform, or have performed, an exorcism. My priest is an exorcist, and he told me that what they show in the movies is nothing compared to what happens in real life. I would like to note here that anyone can perform exorcisms in the name of Jesus Christ, just as anyone can baptize new believers in the formula of the Trinity. That said, there are perimeters that ought to be understood, because there are consequences to telling a spirit where to go.

Upon some light research and reaching out to those who know more than me, I made some discoveries. Once I got some second-hand information which matched up to my own experiences, the purpose became a bit more clear. This is a means to provide help to those who are considering performing an exorcism and are afraid of the side-effects, or those who have performed one and need a bit of consolation and affirmation of character now. The one thing that I needed the most after preforming my first exorcism was being told that I am still a good person, because the first response of the enemy will be to attack the integrity of the person.

The problem is that the symptoms cannot be pinpointed; it will just look like you're having a bad day or feeling a little moody. Once I reached out and connected with people,  I realized that my character was being assaulted as a desperate attempt to bring me down and in knowing that, it no longer had power over me. Below are some symptoms that might be experienced, and my goal here is to show: a) There is nothing to be afraid of, and, b) Once identified, it is easy to over-throw. So here they are:

1. Depression
2. Frustration 
3. Exhaustion
4. Physical glitches
5. Aversion to Christ and the Bible

These are the symptoms that I experienced, and are quite clever weapons of the devil because it does two things: a) Makes us believe it is not worth it and to give up, and, b) Are disguised as just everyday moods that anyone can experience so the point of inception is easy to miss. But once it is understood that the practitioner cannot actually be hurt, there comes a relief:

1. Confidence with identity in Christ
2. Connection to others
3. Exhaustion become safe relaxation time
4. Physical reparation through diet or supplements
5. Strong witnessing of the Gospel

Please note that the points that I have mentioned are from a passive exorcism. Not much prep time went into it and I would not attempt a formal procedure without the preparation of fasting and prayer. I am not qualified to write on standard exorcism, which I consider guerrilla warfare to be left for the mercenaries and professionals.

What we take on during an exorcism cannot affect us the way we might fear. With the proper information, we can in fact do what the apostles did, and help transform communities through this method of spiritual warfare. Please note that we perform these rituals out of love and compassion, not out of duty. Exorcisms are not the go-to for loving thy neighbour, there are other ways to do that. There must be a strength in the practitioner that this is worth it. And that is how we will stay safe afterward. 

During moments of uncertainty in what step to take, I have learnt that sometimes just being a person's friend is the best form of healing that we can provide. And remember, if something is taking us away from God, we are not in our right mind and there is something much more devious happening than a bad day.

 

The Real Problem with Spiritual Aridity

In times of spiritual aridity, I would think that I had done something wrong. Up until last week I believed intellectually that was not true. All of the great pastors talk about this being the time to be retreat from the world and be intimate with God. My heart always blamed my flesh, for invariably one way or another I had fallen short of the glory of God and therefore suspected that was the real reason for my dissuasion.

But I have realized that spiritual aridity actually has two sides - the obvious being a lack of inspiration. The second is a form of idolatry, and this is the real disconnection where God is not even considered in the times when the spirit does triumph over the flesh. I now believe that to be what blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. To struggle with a sin time and time again, and then to not even think of God when that temptation finally becomes unacceptable in the heart and flesh and is thoroughly rejected. Truly a stunning revelation for me on so many levels.

The first is that spiritual aridity is actually a coin with two sides. A coin where we make a withdrawal from our spiritual bank account, having put money in during times of inspiration and study. The second is that the person does not even see the victory and furthers that detachment even more to the apex of not praising God. The third, and most unbelievable revelation because it is the most disconcerting and elusive teaching of Jesus: the one unforgivable error - the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit (Matthew 12:30-31). I will conclude my piece with the definition of this unsettling warning.

With idolatry being my main focus of redemption after my conversion in July, I consider this an amazing gift and probably the reason I was for the first time empowered to resist the offence I have never in its full form been able to accomplish. It wasn't until days later when the amazement really sunk in during prayer that I realized God's praise was not even in the equation to that problem that HE solved!! Cue repentance.

The only way to reclaim our room in God's mansion is to apologize when we put Him behind anything else. it sounds harsh, it might even turn people away from God. Would I really lose my place in the kingdom of Heaven if I were to have died in that sin? Yes. It would have been better that I lived in my lesser sin than had conquered it and instead committed idolatry. When Jesus said that all sin will be forgiven except blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, he was actually referring to the time when he will come like a thief in the night (Matthew 24:42-44). When the time comes for God to come for us, there won't be a knock at the door, no prep time, no window for last minute prayers of sorrow.

God is Love. God is also a Father. We have only one Father (Matthew 23.9). If we chose a counterfeit father, we disavow Him and will go to live with that counterfeit. Yes, we will most certainly lose our rightful inheritance and be removed from the book of life (Revelation 22.19). I was taught that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is to reject God's healing. Those are the only words I was taught, and until my conversion that was enough information. With time, training, and conviction, I now understand the deeper level of the surface definition. To reject God's healing also entails leaving God out in times of healing.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is ultimately idolatry, the oldest sin in our history. That which started with the removal from paradise on earth, and will end with the denial of the mansion in heaven. The Good News is that we are given the armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-17) to equipt us, plus the love of Christ which I believe will most certainly never let us die in this sin, which in its most basic structure is compete godlessness. I have also discovered that there is nothing to fear about this one unpardonable sin, because while it must exist, those who love God will most certainly be spared. If God will let His Son take on our curses and buy our debts, He will most certainly give us enough grace to repent before it is too late.

Pray on it

It was not my intention to study and reflect on meditation the past week, but it is God's will because I believe that I am at a point where I can trust the healing power of prayer. When people told me to "pray on it" I thought it was a cop-out response to "I don't know". But now I know my resistance to ask God for help was in vain. Today I see that there is zero way that I, or anyone else, is going to repair the deep rooted sickness within me that is so difficult to make sense of, the best men of religion have been able to do is call it sin. Blaming us for things beyond our control, explaining it away by saying it is inherited.

For me that is an incomplete picture, but I also believe I need a cure in my life that surpasses science. That said, I had to understand exactly what was wrong in order to recognize that I am beyond human aid, and that includes my own intelligence and hard work. I need to know what exactly I am requesting in prayer. My prayer is a last resort, it must be specific.

I maintain that "Ask and ye shall receive" is one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible. There are conditions that must be met in order to receive. The free unmerited gift is salvation, where God meets us where we're at, but faith without works is dead. If I have not thoroughly examined myself and admitted that I am deeply flawed and as a result have hurt both myself and others, and that there is no real solution to repair my flawed design. I simply don't have the information needed to even know what I am asking for.

But when I can go back to my earliest memory and see the corruption, the pain, and through yes a bit of science which can ascertain a basic problem, then I can with confidence ask God to restore me. In my inadvertent studying of the differences between Eastern philosophy and Western Christian meditation, I learnt of the analogy of files where the brain places unpleasant information to be stored away so that the person can continue evolving and not be debilitated by trauma. At the right time, with the right work, with sufficient grace, I can ask God in prayer to recall or reorganize those files. But first, I need to even know that there are buried files and what is on them!

I have come to an understanding that the only hope for regeneration is through asking God to restore me, and as I addressed in my article Meditate on the Precepts of God, I need to be clear with what I am now asking for. The principle of "God, heal me" simply won't reach the root of the problem. Rather I need the definitive precept, "God, I am suffering with (insert sin), please recover it and release it."

There are so many tool that can work but only as immediate coping mechanisms. It's actually those coping mechanisms that ultimately led me to a place of stagnancy and suffering. I do not want a life where I am just getting by. I want to be prosperous spiritually, mentally, and materially, but more importantly, I want to be FREE. Free of people, places, and things. Free of the fear of tomorrow and remorse of the past. Will God delete those files? Maybe, maybe not. But when I know what to ask for, perhaps I will in fact receive.

Meditate on the Precepts of God

"I will study your commandments
and reflect on your ways." Psalm 119.15

I have found myself recalling this verse, written by an unknown psalmist. I knew that meditating on God's precepts, filling my mind with God's biblical truths are the best way to avoid weaknesses of the mind, but something I didn't know is WHAT exactly are God's precepts? After some brief searching I concluded that they are the Ten Commandments, though I found that to be an unsatisfying conclusion. As I reflected more, I figured it does make sense since the psalmist was Jewish and Christ had not yet fulfilled the law while hanging on the cross. Still, whenever I saw the words "Ten Commandments", I imagined it was akin to what a secularist thinks when they hear the words "Jesus Christ". Basically, it gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Something that really helped in my research was this link which defines the difference between a principle and a precept. This minister asserts that a principle is a grey zone "I will be a good person", whereas a precept is black and white, "I will not steal". There is less room for losing our balance when we look to precepts and stay focused. This I have found helpful when resisting the devil. I don't wishfully hope to not sin, I definitively declare, I will NOT do (insert sin).

As with the prayer for psychic attack, it is crucial to be concise, because it is during those porous, open-ended thoughts where contamination can infect our thinking to the point we are flat on the pavement. It makes it easier to keep it short and elementary. And when it is easier, we are less likely to fear it and will give it a chance. I know from personal experience when the methodology is simple, it is not deprivatory to choose character-building over falling short of the glory of God (which usually feels like the right choice, until we invariably get hurt).

I saw this poster the other week, and my immediate reaction was repulsion. I thought it was dogmatic, self-righteous, and elitist. But though it disturbed me, it nevertheless impacted me.

When asked what the law was, Jesus replied, "That you (1) love God with all of your heart, soul, and mind, and (2) love your neighbour as yourself." (Matthew 22:36-40). So the above chart appears to take us back to the legalistic world-view that the Pharisees followed, the rules that they tried to trap Jesus with when asking that question. And yet, Jesus said that he came not to destroy the law, but to complete it (Matthew 5:17). Is it not possible then that there is some validity to this chart?

Let's break it down, as effortlessly as possible. The first four laws that are tied to the first commandment of Jesus are really to guard against idolatry. Paul Washer, who is a popular preacher in the born-again community but who I do not recommend to anyone said something that stayed with me, "Whatever is occupying your mind, that is your God." Well, this reminds me of the concept of principles and precepts. At what point does it become idolatry. How long am I permitted to dwell on someone or something before it offends God? Well, scripture says not very long. I think the best way to view idolatry is to take the assumption that Protestants, Evangelicals, and Catholics alike can agree upon - that God is our lover. For how long can you put people, places, or things before your partner, until it strains that relationship? Conversely, as Jesus said do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for how long would you want to be ignored?

The remaining six commandments are sectioned under the second commandment of Jesus, "Love your neighbour as yourself". We can see this falls under basic right-living. But yet again, we run into the question of principle and precept. Right-living is to be honest and not hurt people (or ourselves), but again, it's a little grey. The commandments outlined show a precept that makes it a bit more clear, and there is further instruction to help make it easier.

After visually seeing the commandments of Moses broken down under the commandments of Jesus, I recognized that when I am about to fall short of the glory of God, there is no time to search my little bag of breakable tools and that these precepts are not only my best weapon, they're actually my only one - what Jesus made into one. I realized that I was so deeply offended by the chart because it convicts us of sin and does not offer us the comfort of interpretation. It is literally in stone. And yet, what a relief to know what to draw from when resisting those things which will only hurt us in the final analysis.

"I will meditate on the precepts of the Lord". I will not indulge in my emotionalism. I will not make an idol of people, places, or things. I will pray for those who hurt me, I will bless those who forsake me, and I will use the only weapon that God has given me, the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, and where ALL answers to right-living and healing can be found. Amen.