From Lack to Fulfillment

It's important for me to meet people where they are. Being able to do this is a gift of my recovery. It means respecting others' boundaries while honoring my own. It also means that I stop fighting God's will. This permits the entering of God's grace which provides the peace that I've been seeking.

Of course it can be hurtful to not get my way, but I have learnt that I cannot change or control people, and using anger or intimidation as a means to an end is no longer acceptable. Everyone to some degree is spiritually sick, and when I can accept that, I can choose paths to walk along that are safe for me. When I live and let live, I am building up my integrity, and breaking cycles of codependency.

And when I choose paths that move away from people who I would initially rather not part from, I know today that doesn't mean I have to stop caring for them. Prayers are powerful mediums to stay connected to people, even when we are no longer around them physically. I have experienced and heard stories of intercessory prayer working miracles in people's lives, both in receiving and bestowing blessings.

Being able to accept others as they are doesn't mean that the letdown is lessened, it simply means that I can acknowledge there are mysteries yet to be solved. When I can keep an open mind and entertain the possibility of something wonderful planned for me, or of trauma healing or a heart mending, it makes the unknown a little less scary. Because in the final analysis, my desperation to control is all rooted in fear that I will be left unprovided for. When I live and let live, I say no to deception, and that is empowering.

Being able to live and let live provides a relief for me to breathe and prepare for possibilities that I can't even fathom in the moment. The greatest setback for me during attacks of fear is an inability to act due to paralysis. This is a completely normal reaction to a threat, but it becomes unhealthy when there is no threat, which there usually is not. Again, deceit bullies me into a state of powerlessness and the solution to that is acceptance.

The problem with acceptance is that the immediate acknowledgement that I can't change a person or situation is more painful than the compulsion to believe I can. But that is only a moment when the band aid is being ripped off. After that, I see a self-imposed wound that is now closed up and is healing. It is healing because it is God's will to, and that's why the gaps in my understanding were being closed up before I even knew to release from my disillusionment.

While there is no immediate gratification in acceptance, there is dignity. While character building is often not the preferred choice, it is the best choice. When I choose character building over my instincts to scheme and manipulate, the energy that I am infused with ends up being more rewarding than acting on impulse. Instead of releasing tension through knee-jerk reactions, I am filled up with nourishing soundness of mind, and that is the real safety that I am seeking in my moments of fear.

December 13 (Devotional)

Today I will pray earnestly. I accept impulsive choices I made that hurt myself and others, and am open to new possibilities. I forgive myself.

All I ask God is to place me where I can be of the most service. While I still have necessities that need to be taken care of, God will account for them. I know the root of my problem is a belief of separation that causes me to act from a place of lack. While this can cause a painful ending, it can be turned into a healthy beginning of something better. Today I have support that I am not afraid to reach out to.

Painful choices can transform into healing outcomes of love and compassion. I can use my experiences to help me grow. If I can get out of the way of my own self, I can be the light that God created me to be. A difficult experience can be transformed into a message of hope and strength.

Rising Sun by Kumiko Mayer

A Blazing Fire

"O sudden resurrection!
O countless blessings!
O blazing fire
in the jungle of thoughts!
Today, you arrive with laughter
to break open the jail." - Rumi

There is such a relief to accept spiritual defeat. It took years to admit that I wrestle with God, and after the most challenging month of my life, where I experienced bouts of textbook depression, I felt confident in my decision to take a step back from publically sharing my learnings and revelations, though I did for the most part continue to maintain my Facebook page, Wisdom in Christ Ministries.

But God keeps bringing me back to a blazing fire to be used as a light for those so deep in chaos and separation that there seems no exit out of the darkness. I can't seem to stay down for too long.

To be human is to err. I have discovered that all of the work and all of the intentions I can muster will invariably not always suffice. At some point I will folly for two reasons: 1) There will always be a part of me that will try to play God, and 2) I was destined to make destructive choices that, once recovered from, will transform to become a message of encouragement for others.

I think of the priests and the spiritual leaders who consistently carry the message of God and salvation, though surely there are moments of deep sin where it seems unbearable to go on - but they do. I was so wrapped up in ego that once I reached a level of honesty on my journey toward my God-given direction of regeneration, I didn't find it compatible to have a message of vindication and also be in the mire.

But what I have noticed is that times of reflection can be part of the process to being a continuous mouthpiece of God. It is in those dark nights were I rally the strength to reemerge with more hope, more understanding, and more compassion.

I know people so deep in separation from God that it really seems impossible for them to escape. They are so entangled in roots of deception that they actually believe to be saved spiritually would mean to die physically. But I know the truth, irregardless of their shortcomings, and that is those roots of deception are actually burrowed in shallow ground, and hope of a renewed life is just below the surface, ready to be resurrected.

When I have this gift of knowing God's truth, I realize that while I wore a mask for many years, that time permitted me much studying, and with that came much confidence and opportunities for even greater learnings on life's amazing mysteries.

It's hard to fathom living a life where I do not fall short of the glory of God, but with hard work and trust that times of evaluation do in fact pass, setbacks are really just impartial problems looking to be solved. It's easy for my mind to get confused, but today I know that no person trumps over me, because I am a child of God, and so is everyone else. What I have learned today is there are mistakes that we make, but with willingness, there is no sin that is permanent.

There is always help when we ask for it, whether from God or from a trusted person. A spiritual adviser, a doctor, a counselor, a family member, a best friend, a teacher...so many people are available to us to offer a different perspective, even if they don't have the solution to a problem. A second set of eyes can see a way of approaching an obstacle that can disrupt defeatist thinking, and that might be all that is needed to let the light of God come through and to make a change.

A Fact About the Word

I have looked at the world in absolutes for as long as I can remember, but today I understand people and situations to not be black and white. In this, I also guard against such rigid thinking and speaking, because when I slip into it, I believe that to be a backslide on my spiritual progress.

In my new understanding I also accept that people (me) are not capable of being 100% "good" 100% of the time. In varying testing situations, I might be able to think the "right" thing and do the "right" thing, but there will inevitably come an event in time where I am in desolation and will not by human nature be able to resist corruption. This is how I know that absolutism (perfectionism) is not possible. My nature is in its most basic form instinctual, and in that state I am capable of extreme harm.

I can easily place myself in situations where I become physically ill from my desperate acts to control. I find myself on these battlegrounds, because I won't surrender to God when I am losing: I simply exert what resources I have left. I am so egotistical that I think I can take on the universe, and win. Despite the facts of defeat, I still think I am calculated enough to, most notably through words, get what I want even knowing I am finished. This last attempt at manipulation is what brings me down every time.

But it is in these  testing circumstances that I can still bring God back in - by letting my own intentions go, and by letting Him decide where I am to move next. If I can let go(d), I can in fact evade my instinctual drive to destroy in moments of intense stress. I can remove myself from conditions where it is simply not human nature to live by Godly standards.

I now understand what I have been told the past decade - it is God who runs the show, and I am today able to live in my faith, believing that it is God who creates through His Word. I am merely an emulation of His creation, and I choose to live in accordance with His will, not resist it by trying to speak my own desired outcomes into being.

The Preaching Of The Antichrist by Luca Signorelli

Anger is not Preemptive

"Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress." - Bill Wilson, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (93)

Who knew that I would be able to heal from an ailment for which some spend years in therapy searching after, by sheer trial and error. But indeed while people helped out of service during the more difficult moments, the price was still high. It cost many relationships and friendships, many hours squandered, and many opportunities lost. But today I have the solution to my chronic and soul crushing problem, and that answer is honesty. Not bluffing when the chips are down, and looking within to see where I let myself  slide by my own doing, usually bringing others down with me.

The introspection is necessary, and the first step, but actually applying that knowledge is the key to turn the door which opens to freedom from the obsessive need to control, and which is just an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had no idea that I was using anger as a method to control people when they made me feel afraid. It wasn't until I reconciled with a friend that I saw my fear of rejection and abandonment motivated me to use intimidation to succumb people to my wishes. I was a tyrant, giving people a warning of consequences that would be felt should I not be appeased, and then a victim when my plans failed and I was left lonely.

No - intellectualizing fear, knowing that a hundred forms of it is the cause of all of my troubles and is the diseased root that needs to be pulled out, was not enough to keep me from making mistakes time and again when they were disturbed. I needed a real preemptive plan in order to resist its acting out when aggitated. While I needed to truly know the motivation behind my anger, I more so needed to apply my method in peacetime. This is the tricky part, because human nature isn't to go into action when comfortable or rested.

What needed to change in me what a commitment to myself to adjust, and this meant to start the process in the mundane when I am relaxed enough to be flexible. An open mind is a prerequisite to transformation, as well as a willingness to apply my technique during monotony. These two base points prepare for action, which is crucial. Because when the lights are on and I share the stage with others, there isn't time to go back and read my lines. I need to anticipate my next move before the play begins, before the tension, before the inevitable fallout.

Pain is no longer something to be avoided, it is of God just as much as joy is. The sooner I find the blessing in a circumstance, the sooner I can learn from the pain and apply the lesson to heal one more cut from the claws of egoism. The less deep the cut, the less chance of infestation from it festering without being treated. Then I take what I have learned and everyday declare what I will do differently, and this is where my recovery is.

Holy Spirit Dove Painted Stained Glass,
Daniel White

The Degree of Perfection

"In this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old-time attitude of ‘all or nothing’ will have to be abandoned." - Bill Wilson, Grapevine, March 1962

I have always strived for perfection, to the point that I would deny myself certain opportunities because my position in them wouldn't be at the highest rank. My fundamental Christian practice also helped foster the idea that perfection was possible, because I misinterpreted the text and gravitated toward people who could confirm my beliefs.

It wasn't until I reached a new bottom that I finally began to entertain the idea that perfection was in fact not possible and that my stubborn chasing after it was actually antithetical to my intention to follow and have confidence in God. I finally surrendered to the concept that I am not counted on to be perfect, rather I am to aim for a degree of perfection that God wishes for me (65).

The relief that has followed has given me a more authentic application and a peace of mind that I am not only on the intended path, but that I will be provided for. Trying to control people and outcomes is a toll on the mind and therefore body and hurts myself and others. I didn't realize that I was wresting with God, but today I can trust that God is in everything and that He works through people. In believing this I have been able to appreciate the events in my life and also be released from dependence on others. A wonderful result of this changed approach is an understanding that I do not owe anyone: the chips fall where they may.

When I hit my bottom at the beginning of the month I blamed myself and my practice. I looked to make sense of the mess I created and my only conclusion was that I failed to execute certain objectives somewhere along my journey. But today I believe that sometimes I am simply human and ignorant and sometimes I will create chaos. Now I know why I take a daily inventory where I look at the stock in trade in order to throw out what is costing me to keep. It's not because I am perfect and do the do things, it's because I'm not perfect and so I desire to keep check of what is happening in my day.

Pain is the great teacher, because it catapults me into action, and when I am in action I am in the world relating to others, and when I am relating to others I am interacting with God who I am trying so hard to identify with, because God works through people. In understanding this I am better able to accept discomfort not as an enemy that needs to be defeated, but as a signal to release my worries to God, which is His will for me.

Saying Thank You

Six years ago last night, I went on my last drinking binge. And last night as I prepared for service work in the program of recovery that through grace and works gave me my sobriety, a man who has been a cornerstone in my journey, but who is a veteran of the program and so I don't really fellowship with, approached me as I entered an empty church basement, wet and shaking off lots of snow.

Stuck in my mind, partly lamenting recent decisions made, partly fearful of new opportunities, and most definitely reminiscing of last winter as this first snowfall reminded me of a place in space and time that I wished to return, he said seemingly out of nowhere, "We always want more. It was only until I learned to say 'Thank you' that I began to get better!"

From God's lips to my ears.

In my instinctive nature of defiance, which is a hallmark of an addict, I thought, "Where on Earth did that come from, and no, that is totally not what is going on right now." Until I realized, hey wait a minute, it is entirely what is going on here. And I had a breakthrough epiphany of what authentic gratitude really is, and why modern psychology is suggesting it is even a key to physical health.

When I first got sober it was suggested that I write a gratitude list everyday. And this has been a great tool because it helped to rewire my brain. The result is I would be able to immediately find a silver lining in any disappointment that would ensue, and is a skill that I still have even though I no longer actively write gratitude lists.

But when I was a little over a year sober and had my first heartache, which was amplified even more by not being able to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, it was suggested I could say "Thank you" for the time that I did have with this person. I felt dismissed. Did my then-mentor not understand how much anguish I was in? I needed to figure this out and get this person back, not accept it and let it go. I didn't even know about the problem of control I had and how it was the root of most of my troubles. I was still trying to run the show.

As the years went by I learnt more about the program, how to work it, and how to see that its application wouldn't actually diminish me as a person, but rather reinstate and strengthen me. And this past half year I've been learning more about gratitude and the principle of coming from a place of sufficiency, not of lack, which has always been my Achilles heel.

The miracle that happened last night was I realized true peace and happiness does in fact come from thanking God, even if it's for something we no longer have. I am not asked to thank God for a painful experience in the present, but I can thank Him for an enjoyable experience in the past that I am grateful for, and that can be used as a measuring stick for how I want to go about moving forward.

Why do I always need more? Perhaps the answer to this would be the cure itself. In the meantime, there is no quick fix to a broken dream, a wounded heart, or a misfired mind, but knowing how to be grateful is a huge load off, and that is the entire point - to release the heavy baggage that we carry on our way back home.

Placing Healthy Boundaries

We live in a culture where it is acceptable to take. There is a twisted assumption of entitlement, and we have undefined boundaries. Individually, many of us don't even understand what a boundary is, let alone know how to protect ourselves by instituting them.

I have seen the dismissal, discouragement, and even outright rejection of boundaries in every facet of my life, from my personal home life, to my places of employment, to my havens of recovery. Not having or understanding boundaries permeates our entire society, and it is infectious. I only learnt about boundaries a few years ago, and am still learning how to set them up and maintain them, so I fully understand how this is such an elusive topic. It is only by the grace of God that I am one of the few who have learned this priceless life lesson, and it is my privilege to pass on what I know.

Setting up boundaries is such a new phenomenon, I couldn't even find a Bible verse to use as my preamble for my Facebook page  Wisdom in Christ Ministries, and so that is why I am blogging this instead. I thought that John 8.6 said that Jesus drew a line in the sand, but when I searched to reference it, I discovered that he wrote in the sand. But I am not discouraged, as I have found strong allies in modern psychology with a beautiful mentor and a trusting doctor to help me navigate these at times choppy waters.

I truly wanted to learn about boundaries. Six years ago when I got sober, I didn't know what people were talking about when they said "Set up boundaries". But my pride was so massive when I began my genuine road to recovery, as I was a militant Catholic. How could I ask people with New-Age philosophies to help me spiritually? However three years later God did for me what I could not do for myself, and he repeatedly placed abusive people in my path directly where I needed to go for my recovery to the point that I had to learn how to protect myself, or just leave. The latter was not an option. I am so grateful for the challenges that I experienced in order to learn what was so baffling to me.

Today my boundary-placing looks much different than it did three years ago when I was learning how to implement them. Today it is protecting my time and my energy. Something that I was told a couple of years ago in my dance studies, where there is little time and energy to practice, is that people will always ask things of us, and if we love our art, we must set boundaries (I'm paraphrasing). Once I was told this I was able to recognize it everywhere, and today as I get older and more confident, I see how that shows up in ways I wouldn't have even considered.

It shows up by people taking. And this is so crucial for us to understand because people who can't set up boundaries are the people who fall prey to takers and oftentimes don't even see it, because people who can't set up boundaries often come from a place of trauma and become people-pleasers. They are an easy target. Taking time, taking information, taking vulnerability (and not offering any of these things in return) are the insidious ways that culprits take advantage of those who don't have boundaries in place.

One way to start setting up boundaries, for those who unlike me have to learn for the very security of our personhood, is to simply listen to that nudging and unwelcomed thought, "This doesn't feel good." Then by taking the second step - assessing whether this person is asking for something, or whether they are offering something. Chances are, it's the former. For the single ladies out there, I implore you to really look at this in the early stages of courtship, as difficult as this might be and as much as loneliness wants to ignore it.

We all, whatever stage in our lives we are in, need to let these takers GO. That is the ultimate, final, liberating step in boundary setting. Let in only those who love you, who want the best for you, who will be your Angel's Advocate. And while I couldn't find a Bible verse to support my exact topic, there are countless examples of where Jesus said "No", even to healing certain people. That is the ultimate boundary-setting :)

Knowing Good From Evil

This piece probably isn't for a general audience. This piece is for those who are very dark within, who have a soul-sickness, a seed that didn't sprout because it fell on infertile soil and is now rotting, and for those so broken they feel other-worldly. You are my kindred-souls, my heartbeat when I am weary. Wherever my life takes me, may we be connected forever.  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I have been contemplating how is it possible to emotionally browbeat the people who we love? I find it is so disconcerting that we can mercilessly hurt and be hurt by people who are cornerstones in our lives. The general answer I've heard over the years is that we know we can get away with it. We are confident that we can act out of line and be forgiven. But there must be more to it than that, because the stakes are way too high at times to make the assumption that person will still stand before us after the chaos.

The most brilliant person I know has the answer, or at least, the evidence of how that sort of abuse is possible. We make ourselves vulnerable to people when we give them access to emotions and knowledge. I found this theory so interesting. When we make ourselves vulnerable, there is a soft spot - I won't call it a weak spot, I'll just call it a place where the person who we choose to trust has safe passage to our minds. I wondered why do we want to use sacred spaces in people's psyches to take them down in times of strife?

The answer was immediate - The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The theft of the fruit of this holy tree was our first crime against God. (Genesis 3.1-6) When our ancestors took what wasn't theirs to take, their eyes were opened to powers that God said was only intended for Him and His heavenly Council. But now we have power that our finite bodies and under-developed minds cannot hold. And we go mad.

We want to hurt the ones we love when they do not in fact or in fiction live up to a reasonable or unreasonable standards that we have willfully and selfishly imposed. But why do we want to decimate them? Because in the knowledge of who and what we are, and in the entitlement and ownership we feel in knowing who and what they are, we perceive a dishonouring and we demand vengeance. We attack the sacred space that they showed us in moments of love. We regress to a denser time when the Law was an eye for an eye, at the very least.

So how do we learn to stay calm and come into the age of love and tolerance where we turn the other cheek? Do we emotionally disconnect from our loved ones? Do we become recluses and retreat to a metaphorical mountain far, far away? Do we go to therapy and analyze our childhoods? Read self-help books? Study Buddhism?? When I have the answer, I'll let you know. In the meantime, may our pride be lessened day-by-day to not only give to God that which is objectionable to us and within us, to not only apologize promptly when needed, but to actually recognize when these alien obstructions are in us that need to be released.

Yes, we come from thieves. Our birthright isn't happiness, it's a life-sentence. But I really do believe that ransom of our lives was paid for on a bloodied cross, and at the foot of it I will continue to cry in the passion that I never had to suffer in because the One who has All Power already did that for me. For us. And until I have all the answers, I will continue to use to the best of my ability my God-given judgement which is my intuition otherwise known as gut-instinct, in order to give and take knowledge from people who I care about and who care about me.

The Passion of Christ © The Trustees of the British Museum

In Right Relationship With God

Something that I have learnt in 6 years of concentrated and consistent work in recovery is that there are no hard and fast rules to staying safe from making really bad choices after a lifetime of hard-wiring that would have me utterly destroyed.

The phenomenon of believing that anyone has all of the answers to the problem of mental health is called idolatry and it is just about the greatest offence that one can make to God. The Bible teaches us that we have a daily duty to God, which is to offer up our broken and contrite hearts. That means any hope of my sanity rests pretty much solely on giving to God all that is deformed within me. If I follow a guideline that someone passes on to me without true worship, I will invariably slip up. Some ways I have personally missed that mark is not starting early enough within a given timeline, or by intentionally or even unknowingly leaving work out that is necessary for some semblance of a defense against a magnetic force that wants me dead.

But when I start my day not with ritual, not with the wisdom of people, or the inspiration of the sages, but with the full knowingness that I am volatile, fearful, selfish, hateful, judgemental, depressed, and resentful, I might actually have a chance of giving that to God and not keeping it in me only to have it come up without warning when the opportunity presents itself.

Today I understand this as what modern psychology calls "triggers" - reactions to stimuli that seemingly come out of nowhere, causing so much strife and reminding me of where I really stand. And what I have learnt through bitter experience is that there is not enough time in a day, not enough literature, not enough teachers, not enough prep work, not enough good intentions, to remove or control these triggers when they appear.

The only real solution is the action of continually turning over to God all that causes me stress, all that aggravates me, taunts me, rebukes and condemns me, but most importantly, to start my day with the offering up of my brokenness rather than chasing after the euphoria of being divinely inspired. After a lifetime of making people, places, and things my higher power, all that validates me, all that makes me beg for relief through a phony declaration of works-based approval, there are no more words, no more prophets, no more allies. Everything is burnt to the ground, and the only way to rise from these cursed ashes is to give it ALL to God ALL the time.

It's not about having a "relationship" with God. Jesus is very clear about what fellowship with God looks like, and it's not babbling conversation in a desperate attempt to be safe from this world. It's a true knowing of God, and a true knowing of ourselves in relation to Him. And what am I but a crushed spirit and an aging body. And what is God but pure unadulterated sacrifice in the love of taking all that rips me apart.

We always look for the glory without accepting that which comes before the glory: the gut wrenching hardship and destitution. But without being beaten, how can I even know of victory, let alone aspire for it? When did being humble become synonymous with being rejected? That is one of the biggest lies we have ever been told. There is nothing wrong with being broken, because if we are not broken then we do not need God. And if we do not need God then we end up making people our leaders, and that to me is more alarming than not being in perfect health.

The stakes are high, the answer is clear, and yet we fuck it up Every.Single.Time. And that is because of ONE thing - idolatry.

“Quit your worship charades.
I can’t stand your trivial religious games:
Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—
meetings, meetings, meetings—I can’t stand one more!
Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them!
You’ve worn me out!
I’m sick of your religion, religion, religion,
while you go right on sinning.
When you put on your next prayer-performance,
I’ll be looking the other way.
No matter how long or loud or often you pray,
I’ll not be listening.
And do you know why? Because you’ve been tearing
people to pieces, and your hands are bloody.
Go home and wash up.
Clean up your act.
Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings
so I don’t have to look at them any longer.
Say no to wrong.
Learn to do good.
Work for justice.
Help the down-and-out.
Stand up for the homeless.
Go to bat for the defenseless." (Isaiah 1.13-7, MSG)

A New Gown

I have always been searching for something to define my importance. A fancy title at work, a designer handbag, a trendy hair style, killer heels, outerwear that would meet Kate Middleton's approval...but after obtaining those things I learnt they didn't add to my feelings of self-worth, even though I achieved them on my own merit (which yes, I am proud of). The truth is, even after the blood, sweat, and tears put into resembling someone of high-status, I painfully discovered that I had really just traded my sense of peace for them.

Because in striving for the wealth of this world I really had no other choice than to put God aside in order to maintain those material standards. Maybe it was simply poor time-management, not dedicating sufficient time for prayer and meditation going into the "real world", but I have a feeling that is not the full picture. Because I know that when I crashed, and hard at that, I was in fact doing everything "right". So right in fact, that I deceived even myself.

Something that has been building up lately is the seemingly out-of-nowhere revelation that my entire life has been a lie. As I enter my 7th year of sobriety I now have the tools given to me by people who came before me to dig away at what was so deeply buried that I actually had no idea the atrophy that was festering away. And this, I know, is God's timing. I was not prepared to work through the discord of all I have concealed until now.

But what I have been able to address in October, through the gift of a karmic relationship, is that I don't have to use harsh language anymore. I can still soldier on, call a spade a spade, and yet gently look at the deception to have been a coping mechanism that I used to survive, rather than having been manipulative on purpose. Because living a double-life wasn't my intention. Calling people to me and then holding them away at arms-length wasn't my intention.

I still want what is in the world, and even the righteous of God were given jewels, gold, and fine textiles, but those weren't what defined them: they were simply materials taken from the earth to be enjoyed when appropriate. It seems God is calling me to do some deep healing at this time, which will include living in a place of humility unlike what I have ever known before.

Days are upon me that I must learn from, and build from. And I choose to go without fear or shame. This season I will wear sackcloth, but I will prepare to reemerge in fine linens for the next season, accompanied by all who will.

Universal Symbols

"Words are devised by the symbolic levels of the mind." - Bhante Gunaratana, Mindfulness in Plain English

When I used to debate on message boards, very little irritated me more than the red herring fallacy of picking on words used in an assertion. As a (nearly) professional writer, I am intentional with my language, and as a mystic I am specific, and therefore oftentimes I won't use certain words. But from an unprejudiced academic and in so reliable point, there are many words that can sufficiently describe a single point.

What I love about the above quote is that it suggests the mind has a universal bank of concepts that we as social beings choose from. Carl Jung called this the Collective Unconsciousness - archetypes (aka symbols) that we draw from in our day-to-day living. This in fact is the teaching that started me on my Hero's Journey over twenty years ago.

The idea of a symbol is tri-fold: 1) It quickly indicates something, which goes back to the reptilian brain where we had no time to relay dangers to the tribe, 2) It is universal, transcending language barriers, and 3) It communicates something that cannot be sufficiently expressed through words due to abstract concepts.

Symbols are so profound, because they are a way around God's punishment as shown in the story of the Tower of Babel. People were trying to reach God on their own terms, by building a tower to reach Him. As a consequence he divided them by language, so that they could no longer speak with each other and work together on the tower. This is why symbols are now associated with witchcraft, the occult, and magic, and for the most part collectively frighten people.

But now I understand symbols to be a safety net for people like me who are seekers of Truth, and who can easily be blocked by those using our words against us. We all come from the same place, we are all erecting this single archetypal tower in our own ways, yet through the phenomenon of separation we became enemies to one another. Using speech can harm us to the point where symbols can come to the rescue.

There have been many occasions where I was told I didn't use a word correctly, ironically from people who do not have English or Linguistic degrees, when they were in fact appropriate. The problem with being berated, which usually happens from people who are in opposition to us, is that it's easy to then second-guess ourselves (cue one of my best tools, the thesaurus). But through universal archetypes in its purest form, before the confusion and that can salvage us even to the point of our careers or reputations.

No matter how much we blunder a sentence, distort a vision, or simply cannot express ourselves, we will always have ubiquitous symbols to support us, whether we refer directly to them or not. While people can be harshly judged over misunderstandings and wars can be waged over miscommunication, we always have a way out by returning to our well-intentions, through the use of symbols.

When the Student is Ready...

"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Matthew 6.12

Yes another metaphysical teacher I followed bites the dust. Perhaps she really will return in 2020 as forecasted, but will I still be around for her by then? Yet again someone who I have been deeply influenced by has seemingly thrown in the towel. The third in five years who has backed down.

But I remain compassionate, because there might be a time when I back down too. Will Wisdom in Christ Ministries always be available? God only knows. In the past I would have blamed the New Age in its entirety for yet another disappointment, but really, this disillusionment can happen to anyone, irrespective of prestige or consequence. Unprepared and unreliable leaders are all around us and we can't for the most part detect them.

What I have learned the past month after a turbulent summer and losing and winning readers is that each path, when in its most pure basic form, is unique. It is when I feel threatened, guilty, or unimportant that I define a "right" path and defend it to the core. Today I understand that as rigid thinking, and recognize it as a very dangerous place to be. It makes enemies when none need to be made, and it alienates people who are only trying to learn. It's not about being a prophet who rebukes, it's about being one who heals.

I can appreciate how beautiful and solid my work is today because I can trace it back to a lineage which is not only demonstrated but most importantly practiced now without fear and apprehension. The greatest blessing is that it was all in God's time and the most cherished outcome is that it's all my own, which means I get to define healthy boundaries and decide who comes in to benefit and who needs to stay away. And I think the root of this power is realizing that in the final analysis, there is no right or wrong way - there is only the art to stay.

The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein

In Your Eyes

Many many years ago,
Before the curse grabbed hold,
I looked into your eyes
and said I'd never let you go.

It's not like this day wasn't coming,
It's not the present or the future that I see,
It's the past, and knowing I was absent
Not protecting what I promised would be.

What time is left, I will see you again
You and me, we are the same.
I'll look into your eyes once more
And you'll relieve me of all the blame.

Because that what the saints all do,
Those who can do no wrong
Those who are mistaken and misunderstood
Those who never could belong.

Double-minded

"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." - Two- Face, The Dark Knight Rises

John Donne famously wrote, "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." Supposing that this is true, it should be said that we must reach a time where we are corrupted. I have been contemplating the idea of assimilation into the world. Can God's people withstand the debasement of the unregenerated human nature and overcome our inclined weakness to conform?

Jesus said to Peter, "Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail." (Luke 22.31-2). There is no promise that even the saints won't succumb to the evil of the world. There is no guarantee that even the devout won't be polluted.

There hardly seems a solution. But if Jesus prayed for us, it would be nothing short of stupidity that we do not pray for our integrity, faith, and commitment as well. St. Paul said that true worship (honour) is a daily renewing of the mind. (Romans 12.2) In this same breath Paul addressed the pressures of the world, of our environments, and he offers incredible hope. What we failed at yesterday, we can overcome today.

Pray for your redemption, to be delivered from the iniquity of this world, from the destitution of your surroundings and the insistence of those within it. The best part about failing is knowing what precisely needs to be changed. We are not defined by our mistakes, we are defined by our efforts.

Living in Joy

"Joy is the ultimate creator." (Gabrielle Bernstein)

In my experience, times of joy have been far and few between. But I have developed a new way of living over the past 5+ years where I am learning what for me is true definition of joy. I used to think that joy meant happiness, cheer. and success - and it does, but today I think of it as exaltation.

When I am animated, I am able to create, and then it comes back around full circle where I experience joy once more in appreciating what I have made. But it took a long time for me to learn this. Instead of creating out of joy, I destroyed out of agitation. It's no wonder that joy has been virtually absent from my life.

But I then began to learn a new way of living where I also adopted a new definition of joy - Freedom. Freedom from all of the passions that I thought joy represented; freedom in now knowing that happiness, cheer, and success are not what will give me a quality and honest life.

For a very long time I lived in emotional and material scarcity, but worse than that, I thought I deserved it. Even today as I practice material and spiritual alchemy, I must resist the belief of karma, that I get what I deserve. And yet I also resist the belief that I am entitled to joy. I am not entitled to anything, in fact that word repulses me. But I am able to gladly reap what I sow, and in the miraculous when I reap what I do not sow, I acknowledge what was given to me.

"Freedom is never free".  Just as I have to work to create, I also must to work to experience joy. There is a process of deprogramming and that is no easy feat. Finding the right methods and breaking free from tyrannous systems can be exhausting. People think that the therapy is for the deprogramming, but we also need recovery for the process of reversing brain-washing as well. That process is just as traumatic as the events that led to needing help in the first place.

Living a life of joy, of creation, is still elusive to me. It's hard to imagine a life with joy in it. So much so it took over half a week to actually write this piece and publish it after having it saved as a draft. The only reason why I chose this topic is because I pulled a card from a deck called The Universe Has Your Back. I felt like playing with cards in the goal of finding a topic to write on. But today I forgive that selfishness that has been at the root of my inability to live in real freedom and creation, because I believe that is merely a coping mechanism that I adapted growing up with alcoholism and mental illness.

In writing this piece, I believed that I was denying Jesus' teachings on joy. Since I couldn't recall an exact quote of Jesus speaking about joy, I did a quick Google search, and I saw this from the Gospel of John, the most romantic, beautiful, and mysterious book in the entire Bible:

"Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." (John 16.20, NKJV)

It will take time. The road to recovery is long - if we are lucky and survive the journey that is often in worn-out sandals, with blisters, wild animals waiting to devour, the blazing sun and bitter cold, hunger and thirst, and all sort of aches and pains. But today, I could never say no to that walk.

Evil Personified

It is chaos.
It is loud, and yet inaudible.
They yell when I must speak
Jealous of each other, but show fake love.

When the cat is in,
They behave.
They are simply mice,
but I have lost my compassion.

They broke me down,
and I prepare for flight,
because I have wings,
And they hate that I can soar.

But in my heart, I know I can't really fly.
I am a mangled dog, infected and pathetic.
I wonder, if I am good enough,
Will you keep me?

Oh how they taunt me.
And God no longer provides.
I tried so hard to serve,
but now, I am just a shell.

A Truce

When it comes to healing trauma, the Bible doesn't say too much about it. Mental illness, which is the product of trauma, was considered a demonic possession (as were all forms of illness and why Jesus could heal on the spot). Today, other than the orthodox religious, we do not believe that mental or physical illness is the result of Satan's attacks, but rather biological defects. Because of this, it can be really hard to target specific people with comforting verses in scripture, because there are none that specifically address mental or even physical illness. This is because Christianity is dedicated to dying to self and lifting up our crosses. The problem with mental illness though is that it attacks the mind in such a way that the sufferer is essentially incapable of this sort of sacrifice.

I believe this is why New Age is popular - it addresses pain and stress in a very friendly and colourful way, and of course that is attractive. But it is rooted in emotionalism and is fleeting. Still, I am entertaining the thought that New Age can act as an appendage, adding a psychological component. Now, this is murky water for two reasons: 1) It suggests that the Bible doesn't have all the answers, and 2) It can water down parts of the Bible that are popular for the public to take from, but taken out of context.

I am feeling a very strong calling to open up to this idea though, because I have never been fully on-board with the born-again Christian community: their fear-tactics very rarely affected me because blood is thicker than water and I am a Masonic legacy. Now that I am starting my own ministry, this might actually be the time to remember that while Jesus is the narrow gate (Matthew 7.13-4), the highway for God's people is broad, so that they don't lose their footing (Psalm 18.36).

I know I have come down hard on the New Age community since my born-again experience on July 19, 2019, but that is only out of love for all who are like myself - broken and defeated, and I want to warn against the self-exertion of self-healing that we do and attempt through the New Age movement. I have been mentally and physically ill from the New Age and what it asked of me and what it "offered" me, to the point I believe there is permanent damage. But I also see in it the beauty of inclusivity, the virtue of hope, and the aspiration of strength.

It hasn't been easy for me to minister the Gospel, to have my words fall on closed ears and shuttered hearts, and by no means will I compromise the message of the cross in order to win followers, but I am willing to walk with a bit of the way until it becomes evident that God will walk the entire way. I have the advantage of knowing Jesus and of never having been afraid of the New Age as my colleagues have, and so this places me in a position of timeliness that I believe is genuine and can be extremely fruitful, for both myself and those willing to get honest with themselves and God.

I have been extremely damaged by the New Age to the point that even some of its language repulses me, and I have experienced for myself and observed in my peers fruitless results. But I also believe that there is an ideal within it that might be effectively tapped into. It is within that spirit of forgiveness, healing, science, progress, sacrifice, and peace that I will work to be of the utmost service, while still maintaining the integrity of the violence that those who gave us the Bible had to endure.

False Peace

The problem with the "prosperity gospel" is that it teaches the *now*, with only material blessings and abundance. The Good News is twisted. That we are atoned for by Jesus is removed from the equation, and it becomes that we are destined for health, wealth, and happiness. This is 100% out of alignment with what the early apostles taught and experienced. It ignores the ENTIRE message, which is to repent and accept everlasting life, and to reject this world of decay and selfishness.

"There is no greater love than this: to lay down ones life for his friends." (John 15.13). "Name it and Claim it" is New Thought repackaged and teaches healing WITHOUT preparation! It is a total scam, and makes us God. It is rejection of Christ and is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. It is not "feel good", "Be agreeable", "Don't make waves" "One love", It is the original definition of mind control, and is at best egoism.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves" (Matthew 7.15). False prophets speak of the a path where everyone can get along, where everyone can have their needs met, where God will perform the impossible for the dejected souls and use miraculous stories in the Old and New Testaments to suggest "That could be you!" with, as true to prosperity preaching, not including the ten verses above and below which explain the FAITH and the REDEMPTION through WORKS that are required for the chosen to be granted exception to! 

And this is why we who minister call these "witnesses" wolves. Because they devour and destroy. They perpetuate stagnancy and sin by saying that our trouble will go away if we just pray the right way, or believe in the right way, or think the right way. And it is the last point that bothers me the most, because a sick person cannot think themselves well, as the disease starts in the mind (1 Peter 5.8-9).

Which leads me to my next point - spiritual warfare. I understand the desire to come across as a loving, kind, open-minded person. And I am here to say that we can still be those things, and have conviction in Christ. Christ was gentle and meek: he sacrificed for ALL people, even when there were times he tried to go on his own way, he always turned back to help those not of his flock (Matthew 15.21-8), (Luke 17.11-7). We can be tolerant and compassionate while still recognizing the Way of the Cross is violent and requires weapons.

There is healthy fighting, and unhealthy fighting. I know the difference because I have engaged in both. Unhealthy fighting is based in fear and selfishness. It is the product of acting out in sin, and it is 100% futile. Healthy fighting is taking a stand against injustice in the physical world, and maintaining a circumscribed heart in the spiritual world. I know what it's like to want to fight, and to not want to fight. The desire to fight is based in ego and pride. It is an addiction whereby the brain activates the adrenal gland and releases epinephrine. For those of us prone to chemical dependence, this actually feels really good and validates us in many ways.

But healthy fighting is within a respected perimeter where we know it is the absolute last resort and is not desired or necessary to feel satisfied. In fact, though it is healthy it can feel awful, just like a diet or the foods contained in that diet are oftentimes unpleasant. My life has been a fight from the beginning, and because of that, along with my direct experience with Jesus in 2011, I have made peace with conflict. The world I know, my inner world and the world around me is constant resistance, and that my friends can be used for good.

Pretending that things are okay when they are not will not protect anyone from snares, and that is because these are undetectable traps, hidden and camouflaged. Satan doesn't come to us with scary features, he comes as a beautiful angel of light (2 Corinthians 11.14). Know the difference between superficial peace and real world hardship because ignorance might protect us in a fallen world but in the world where our ransom has been paid, it is of no use (Matthew 22.11-14).

Through Fasting and Prayer

"Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting." (Matthew 17.20-21, NKJV)

I've know this verse by heart for years, because fasting has always been one of the hang-ups in my discipline, and I know that as a healer, I must make peace with that and have seasons where I practice it. For those of you who well enough know your Bible, and are not familiar with the last sentence, it might be because it has actually been removed from many translations. Some versions even go so far as to jump from verse 20 to 22. I only realized this upon preparing to cite the scripture, and I thought I was losing my mind when I could not find it! Not the NIV, NLT, MSG, or ESV - all my favourite Bibles - had it. So, I went to the king of Bibles, pun intended. The King James Version is my general go-to translation when I am confused about a passage. I cannot emphasize the relief I felt when I finally found verse 21. This is a huge recognition that I must process now, and that will be for another day.

In the meantime, the purpose of this piece to to help those who are preparing to perform, or have performed, an exorcism. My priest is an exorcist, and he told me that what they show in the movies is nothing compared to what happens in real life. I would like to note here that anyone can perform exorcisms in the name of Jesus Christ, just as anyone can baptize new believers in the formula of the Trinity. That said, there are perimeters that ought to be understood, because there are consequences to telling a spirit where to go.

Upon some light research and reaching out to those who know more than me, I made some discoveries. Once I got some second-hand information which matched up to my own experiences, the purpose became a bit more clear. This is a means to provide help to those who are considering performing an exorcism and are afraid of the side-effects, or those who have performed one and need a bit of consolation and affirmation of character now. The one thing that I needed the most after preforming my first exorcism was being told that I am still a good person, because the first response of the enemy will be to attack the integrity of the person.

The problem is that the symptoms cannot be pinpointed; it will just look like you're having a bad day or feeling a little moody. Once I reached out and connected with people,  I realized that my character was being assaulted as a desperate attempt to bring me down and in knowing that, it no longer had power over me. Below are some symptoms that might be experienced, and my goal here is to show: a) There is nothing to be afraid of, and, b) Once identified, it is easy to over-throw. So here they are:

1. Depression
2. Frustration 
3. Exhaustion
4. Physical glitches
5. Aversion to Christ and the Bible

These are the symptoms that I experienced, and are quite clever weapons of the devil because it does two things: a) Makes us believe it is not worth it and to give up, and, b) Are disguised as just everyday moods that anyone can experience so the point of inception is easy to miss. But once it is understood that the practitioner cannot actually be hurt, there comes a relief:

1. Confidence with identity in Christ
2. Connection to others
3. Exhaustion become safe relaxation time
4. Physical reparation through diet or supplements
5. Strong witnessing of the Gospel

Please note that the points that I have mentioned are from a passive exorcism. Not much prep time went into it and I would not attempt a formal procedure without the preparation of fasting and prayer. I am not qualified to write on standard exorcism, which I consider guerrilla warfare to be left for the mercenaries and professionals.

What we take on during an exorcism cannot affect us the way we might fear. With the proper information, we can in fact do what the apostles did, and help transform communities through this method of spiritual warfare. Please note that we perform these rituals out of love and compassion, not out of duty. Exorcisms are not the go-to for loving thy neighbour, there are other ways to do that. There must be a strength in the practitioner that this is worth it. And that is how we will stay safe afterward. 

During moments of uncertainty in what step to take, I have learnt that sometimes just being a person's friend is the best form of healing that we can provide. And remember, if something is taking us away from God, we are not in our right mind and there is something much more devious happening than a bad day.

 

The Real Problem with Spiritual Aridity

In times of spiritual aridity, I would think that I had done something wrong. Up until last week I believed intellectually that was not true. All of the great pastors talk about this being the time to be retreat from the world and be intimate with God. My heart always blamed my flesh, for invariably one way or another I had fallen short of the glory of God and therefore suspected that was the real reason for my dissuasion.

But I have realized that spiritual aridity actually has two sides - the obvious being a lack of inspiration. The second is a form of idolatry, and this is the real disconnection where God is not even considered in the times when the spirit does triumph over the flesh. I now believe that to be what blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. To struggle with a sin time and time again, and then to not even think of God when that temptation finally becomes unacceptable in the heart and flesh and is thoroughly rejected. Truly a stunning revelation for me on so many levels.

The first is that spiritual aridity is actually a coin with two sides. A coin where we make a withdrawal from our spiritual bank account, having put money in during times of inspiration and study. The second is that the person does not even see the victory and furthers that detachment even more to the apex of not praising God. The third, and most unbelievable revelation because it is the most disconcerting and elusive teaching of Jesus: the one unforgivable error - the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit (Matthew 12:30-31). I will conclude my piece with the definition of this unsettling warning.

With idolatry being my main focus of redemption after my conversion in July, I consider this an amazing gift and probably the reason I was for the first time empowered to resist the offence I have never in its full form been able to accomplish. It wasn't until days later when the amazement really sunk in during prayer that I realized God's praise was not even in the equation to that problem that HE solved!! Cue repentance.

The only way to reclaim our room in God's mansion is to apologize when we put Him behind anything else. it sounds harsh, it might even turn people away from God. Would I really lose my place in the kingdom of Heaven if I were to have died in that sin? Yes. It would have been better that I lived in my lesser sin than had conquered it and instead committed idolatry. When Jesus said that all sin will be forgiven except blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, he was actually referring to the time when he will come like a thief in the night (Matthew 24:42-44). When the time comes for God to come for us, there won't be a knock at the door, no prep time, no window for last minute prayers of sorrow.

God is Love. God is also a Father. We have only one Father (Matthew 23.9). If we chose a counterfeit father, we disavow Him and will go to live with that counterfeit. Yes, we will most certainly lose our rightful inheritance and be removed from the book of life (Revelation 22.19). I was taught that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is to reject God's healing. Those are the only words I was taught, and until my conversion that was enough information. With time, training, and conviction, I now understand the deeper level of the surface definition. To reject God's healing also entails leaving God out in times of healing.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is ultimately idolatry, the oldest sin in our history. That which started with the removal from paradise on earth, and will end with the denial of the mansion in heaven. The Good News is that we are given the armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-17) to equipt us, plus the love of Christ which I believe will most certainly never let us die in this sin, which in its most basic structure is compete godlessness. I have also discovered that there is nothing to fear about this one unpardonable sin, because while it must exist, those who love God will most certainly be spared. If God will let His Son take on our curses and buy our debts, He will most certainly give us enough grace to repent before it is too late.

Pray on it

It was not my intention to study and reflect on meditation the past week, but it is God's will because I believe that I am at a point where I can trust the healing power of prayer. When people told me to "pray on it" I thought it was a cop-out response to "I don't know". But now I know my resistance to ask God for help was in vain. Today I see that there is zero way that I, or anyone else, is going to repair the deep rooted sickness within me that is so difficult to make sense of, the best men of religion have been able to do is call it sin. Blaming us for things beyond our control, explaining it away by saying it is inherited.

For me that is an incomplete picture, but I also believe I need a cure in my life that surpasses science. That said, I had to understand exactly what was wrong in order to recognize that I am beyond human aid, and that includes my own intelligence and hard work. I need to know what exactly I am requesting in prayer. My prayer is a last resort, it must be specific.

I maintain that "Ask and ye shall receive" is one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible. There are conditions that must be met in order to receive. The free unmerited gift is salvation, where God meets us where we're at, but faith without works is dead. If I have not thoroughly examined myself and admitted that I am deeply flawed and as a result have hurt both myself and others, and that there is no real solution to repair my flawed design. I simply don't have the information needed to even know what I am asking for.

But when I can go back to my earliest memory and see the corruption, the pain, and through yes a bit of science which can ascertain a basic problem, then I can with confidence ask God to restore me. In my inadvertent studying of the differences between Eastern philosophy and Western Christian meditation, I learnt of the analogy of files where the brain places unpleasant information to be stored away so that the person can continue evolving and not be debilitated by trauma. At the right time, with the right work, with sufficient grace, I can ask God in prayer to recall or reorganize those files. But first, I need to even know that there are buried files and what is on them!

I have come to an understanding that the only hope for regeneration is through asking God to restore me, and as I addressed in my article Meditate on the Precepts of God, I need to be clear with what I am now asking for. The principle of "God, heal me" simply won't reach the root of the problem. Rather I need the definitive precept, "God, I am suffering with (insert sin), please recover it and release it."

There are so many tool that can work but only as immediate coping mechanisms. It's actually those coping mechanisms that ultimately led me to a place of stagnancy and suffering. I do not want a life where I am just getting by. I want to be prosperous spiritually, mentally, and materially, but more importantly, I want to be FREE. Free of people, places, and things. Free of the fear of tomorrow and remorse of the past. Will God delete those files? Maybe, maybe not. But when I know what to ask for, perhaps I will in fact receive.

Meditate on the Precepts of God

"I will study your commandments
and reflect on your ways." Psalm 119.15

I have found myself recalling this verse, written by an unknown psalmist. I knew that meditating on God's precepts, filling my mind with God's biblical truths are the best way to avoid weaknesses of the mind, but something I didn't know is WHAT exactly are God's precepts? After some brief searching I concluded that they are the Ten Commandments, though I found that to be an unsatisfying conclusion. As I reflected more, I figured it does make sense since the psalmist was Jewish and Christ had not yet fulfilled the law while hanging on the cross. Still, whenever I saw the words "Ten Commandments", I imagined it was akin to what a secularist thinks when they hear the words "Jesus Christ". Basically, it gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Something that really helped in my research was this link which defines the difference between a principle and a precept. This minister asserts that a principle is a grey zone "I will be a good person", whereas a precept is black and white, "I will not steal". There is less room for losing our balance when we look to precepts and stay focused. This I have found helpful when resisting the devil. I don't wishfully hope to not sin, I definitively declare, I will NOT do (insert sin).

As with the prayer for psychic attack, it is crucial to be concise, because it is during those porous, open-ended thoughts where contamination can infect our thinking to the point we are flat on the pavement. It makes it easier to keep it short and elementary. And when it is easier, we are less likely to fear it and will give it a chance. I know from personal experience when the methodology is simple, it is not deprivatory to choose character-building over falling short of the glory of God (which usually feels like the right choice, until we invariably get hurt).

I saw this poster the other week, and my immediate reaction was repulsion. I thought it was dogmatic, self-righteous, and elitist. But though it disturbed me, it nevertheless impacted me.

When asked what the law was, Jesus replied, "That you (1) love God with all of your heart, soul, and mind, and (2) love your neighbour as yourself." (Matthew 22:36-40). So the above chart appears to take us back to the legalistic world-view that the Pharisees followed, the rules that they tried to trap Jesus with when asking that question. And yet, Jesus said that he came not to destroy the law, but to complete it (Matthew 5:17). Is it not possible then that there is some validity to this chart?

Let's break it down, as effortlessly as possible. The first four laws that are tied to the first commandment of Jesus are really to guard against idolatry. Paul Washer, who is a popular preacher in the born-again community but who I do not recommend to anyone said something that stayed with me, "Whatever is occupying your mind, that is your God." Well, this reminds me of the concept of principles and precepts. At what point does it become idolatry. How long am I permitted to dwell on someone or something before it offends God? Well, scripture says not very long. I think the best way to view idolatry is to take the assumption that Protestants, Evangelicals, and Catholics alike can agree upon - that God is our lover. For how long can you put people, places, or things before your partner, until it strains that relationship? Conversely, as Jesus said do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for how long would you want to be ignored?

The remaining six commandments are sectioned under the second commandment of Jesus, "Love your neighbour as yourself". We can see this falls under basic right-living. But yet again, we run into the question of principle and precept. Right-living is to be honest and not hurt people (or ourselves), but again, it's a little grey. The commandments outlined show a precept that makes it a bit more clear, and there is further instruction to help make it easier.

After visually seeing the commandments of Moses broken down under the commandments of Jesus, I recognized that when I am about to fall short of the glory of God, there is no time to search my little bag of breakable tools and that these precepts are not only my best weapon, they're actually my only one - what Jesus made into one. I realized that I was so deeply offended by the chart because it convicts us of sin and does not offer us the comfort of interpretation. It is literally in stone. And yet, what a relief to know what to draw from when resisting those things which will only hurt us in the final analysis.

"I will meditate on the precepts of the Lord". I will not indulge in my emotionalism. I will not make an idol of people, places, or things. I will pray for those who hurt me, I will bless those who forsake me, and I will use the only weapon that God has given me, the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, and where ALL answers to right-living and healing can be found. Amen.

The Refiners Fire

The miracle that was extended from my employer and received by me to take a new and stable job, truly career-worthy, has taken a toll on me. The learning curve, ceaseless work, and no real feedback has left me in such a state of exhaustion that for two weeks I slept 12 hours a night and lost nearly five pounds. And while the thought once or twice of course crossed my mind to quit, the gratitude never left. I know the way this opportunity came about, along with the grace given to me as I phased out of my previous job, which I was more than ready to leave, was unique and special and as much as I have as late spoken against prosperity preachers, I truly did reap what I did not sow.

Changes in relationships, inability to pursue my spiritual studies other than brief morning and evening prayers asking for specific graces, and random contact with God throughout the day in the hope and faith that He would equipt me with was was needed was in truth insufficient to prevent a depression that naturally perturbed my spirit deeply.

However in distress we might grow. As one of my favourite seed analogies teaches, to the outside world, the birth of a tree looks like utter annihilation, as the seed breaks open and its shell disintegrates, so too has been a growth in my interpretation of the world about me. A mature interpretation, a more real recognition and respect.

My exhaustion and uncertainty made me so melancholic that there were moments I believed this world was hell. However that thought being scripturally inconsistent lessened that extreme to the level of purgatory instead. I began to wonder what the point of my conversion in July was. I felt like a fraud. How was the message of the cross any better than the message of the New Age when I still fell into such as state of despair - why walk the narrow path when I can move around and have more flexibility?

Now that I am recovering from the shock of my new lifestyle, which I can see has been the result of simply working just a little too hard and was akin to a physical illness when naturally the mind is attacked just as the body is, I am feeling a bit more confident and ready to return from the confines of my bed, which is a huge relief. I have no message of anything other than, I am well. Thank you to all who have reached out and received me with open arms as I reemerge from my lonely world.

"I’ll deliver the surviving third to the refinery fires.
I’ll refine them as silver is refined,
test them for purity as gold is tested.
Then they’ll pray to me by name
and I’ll answer them personally.
I’ll say, 'That’s my people.'
They’ll say, 'God—my God!'" - Zechariah 13.9

Staying the course

"You’re blessed when you stay on course,
walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You’re blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That’s right—you don’t go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set." Psalm 119.1-3

There can be so much negativity around the foundation of Christianity. There are no jokes, no light stories, and most certainly of all, no grade-A students. To be a Christian is invariably to be a failure according to worldly standards. (1 Corinthians 3.18-23)

But I would rather fail than take the path of least resistance, I would rather go down with the ship than live on in another structure. No there is nothing funny about Christianity (prosperity preachers), no quixotic stories (New Age feel-good stories of grandeur and metaphysical healing), and certainly, the most discouraging of all, no grade-A students ("That which I do not want to do, I do" - Romans 7:15-20).

There is nothing whimsical about Christianity. It is a faith built on the blood of saints. It is brutality, it is constant attack, and it is the working for a heaven beyond comprehension. Does that mean we give up? It shouldn't; rather the opposite. It's simply a problem that needs to be solved, like everything else in life. Just because it doesn't sound good, just because it is not pleasing to the senses, does not mean that we throw in the towel. It means we work harder.

What good is the feel good fuzzy way in moments of confusion when confronted with the crisis of spiritual attack? (for anything opposite of certainty is demonic, 1 Corinthians 14:33) I don't want a universalist way of life that is unsustainable when preservation matters most. Anyone who searches their heart will see there is no genuine sturdiness in not rocking the boat. Go down with the ship, die to self. (Galatians 2:20)

Does this mean we reject people? Of course not. We still love, for God is love and we serve God. (1 John 4.7-8) Are we ignorant? By no means! (2 Corinthians 2:11) Rather, being streamlined means we love MORE. We reject worldly ways, we despise popularity. We serve those who need us to most (James 1.27), not those who live for themselves. (Romans 14.8)

The true Christian will not sabotage scripture, will not hurt a soul, and will fully live and let live (Proverbs 15.27). A Christian will never give up, they will take their lumps, sin and sin again and get up time and again and be stronger for it. When discouraged we study (2 Timothy 3.16-17) when rejected we walk with even more confidence (John 15.18). There are always people who want to help, simply seek them. "Seek and ye shall find". Seek right, and victory is yours, no matter what battle was lost today.