The miracle that was extended from my employer and received by me to take a new and stable job, truly career-worthy, has taken a toll on me. The learning curve, ceaseless work, and no real feedback has left me in such a state of exhaustion that for two weeks I slept 12 hours a night and lost nearly five pounds. And while the thought once or twice of course crossed my mind to quit, the gratitude never left. I know the way this opportunity came about, along with the grace given to me as I phased out of my previous job, which I was more than ready to leave, was unique and special and as much as I have as late spoken against prosperity preachers, I truly did reap what I did not sow.
Changes in relationships, inability to pursue my spiritual studies other than brief morning and evening prayers asking for specific graces, and random contact with God throughout the day in the hope and faith that He would equipt me with was was needed was in truth insufficient to prevent a depression that naturally perturbed my spirit deeply.
However in distress we might grow. As one of my favourite seed analogies teaches, to the outside world, the birth of a tree looks like utter annihilation, as the seed breaks open and its shell disintegrates, so too has been a growth in my interpretation of the world about me. A mature interpretation, a more real recognition and respect.
My exhaustion and uncertainty made me so melancholic that there were moments I believed this world was hell. However that thought being scripturally inconsistent lessened that extreme to the level of purgatory instead. I began to wonder what the point of my conversion in July was. I felt like a fraud. How was the message of the cross any better than the message of the New Age when I still fell into such as state of despair - why walk the narrow path when I can move around and have more flexibility?
Now that I am recovering from the shock of my new lifestyle, which I can see has been the result of simply working just a little too hard and was akin to a physical illness when naturally the mind is attacked just as the body is, I am feeling a bit more confident and ready to return from the confines of my bed, which is a huge relief. I have no message of anything other than, I am well. Thank you to all who have reached out and received me with open arms as I reemerge from my lonely world.
Changes in relationships, inability to pursue my spiritual studies other than brief morning and evening prayers asking for specific graces, and random contact with God throughout the day in the hope and faith that He would equipt me with was was needed was in truth insufficient to prevent a depression that naturally perturbed my spirit deeply.
However in distress we might grow. As one of my favourite seed analogies teaches, to the outside world, the birth of a tree looks like utter annihilation, as the seed breaks open and its shell disintegrates, so too has been a growth in my interpretation of the world about me. A mature interpretation, a more real recognition and respect.
My exhaustion and uncertainty made me so melancholic that there were moments I believed this world was hell. However that thought being scripturally inconsistent lessened that extreme to the level of purgatory instead. I began to wonder what the point of my conversion in July was. I felt like a fraud. How was the message of the cross any better than the message of the New Age when I still fell into such as state of despair - why walk the narrow path when I can move around and have more flexibility?
Now that I am recovering from the shock of my new lifestyle, which I can see has been the result of simply working just a little too hard and was akin to a physical illness when naturally the mind is attacked just as the body is, I am feeling a bit more confident and ready to return from the confines of my bed, which is a huge relief. I have no message of anything other than, I am well. Thank you to all who have reached out and received me with open arms as I reemerge from my lonely world.
"I’ll deliver the surviving third to the refinery fires.
I’ll refine them as silver is refined,
test them for purity as gold is tested.
Then they’ll pray to me by name
and I’ll answer them personally.
I’ll say, 'That’s my people.'
They’ll say, 'God—my God!'" - Zechariah 13.9
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