I have looked at the world in absolutes for as long as I can remember, but today I understand people and situations to not be black and white. In this, I also guard against such rigid thinking and speaking, because when I slip into it, I believe that to be a backslide on my spiritual progress.
In my new understanding I also accept that people (me) are not capable of being 100% "good" 100% of the time. In varying testing situations, I might be able to think the "right" thing and do the "right" thing, but there will inevitably come an event in time where I am in desolation and will not by human nature be able to resist corruption. This is how I know that absolutism (perfectionism) is not possible. My nature is in its most basic form instinctual, and in that state I am capable of extreme harm.
I can easily place myself in situations where I become physically ill from my desperate acts to control. I find myself on these battlegrounds, because I won't surrender to God when I am losing: I simply exert what resources I have left. I am so egotistical that I think I can take on the universe, and win. Despite the facts of defeat, I still think I am calculated enough to, most notably through words, get what I want even knowing I am finished. This last attempt at manipulation is what brings me down every time.
But it is in these testing circumstances that I can still bring God back in - by letting my own intentions go, and by letting Him decide where I am to move next. If I can let go(d), I can in fact evade my instinctual drive to destroy in moments of intense stress. I can remove myself from conditions where it is simply not human nature to live by Godly standards.
I now understand what I have been told the past decade - it is God who runs the show, and I am today able to live in my faith, believing that it is God who creates through His Word. I am merely an emulation of His creation, and I choose to live in accordance with His will, not resist it by trying to speak my own desired outcomes into being.
In my new understanding I also accept that people (me) are not capable of being 100% "good" 100% of the time. In varying testing situations, I might be able to think the "right" thing and do the "right" thing, but there will inevitably come an event in time where I am in desolation and will not by human nature be able to resist corruption. This is how I know that absolutism (perfectionism) is not possible. My nature is in its most basic form instinctual, and in that state I am capable of extreme harm.
I can easily place myself in situations where I become physically ill from my desperate acts to control. I find myself on these battlegrounds, because I won't surrender to God when I am losing: I simply exert what resources I have left. I am so egotistical that I think I can take on the universe, and win. Despite the facts of defeat, I still think I am calculated enough to, most notably through words, get what I want even knowing I am finished. This last attempt at manipulation is what brings me down every time.
But it is in these testing circumstances that I can still bring God back in - by letting my own intentions go, and by letting Him decide where I am to move next. If I can let go(d), I can in fact evade my instinctual drive to destroy in moments of intense stress. I can remove myself from conditions where it is simply not human nature to live by Godly standards.
I now understand what I have been told the past decade - it is God who runs the show, and I am today able to live in my faith, believing that it is God who creates through His Word. I am merely an emulation of His creation, and I choose to live in accordance with His will, not resist it by trying to speak my own desired outcomes into being.
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| The Preaching Of The Antichrist by Luca Signorelli |
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