"Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress." - Bill Wilson, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (93)
Who knew that I would be able to heal from an ailment for which some spend years in therapy searching after, by sheer trial and error. But indeed while people helped out of service during the more difficult moments, the price was still high. It cost many relationships and friendships, many hours squandered, and many opportunities lost. But today I have the solution to my chronic and soul crushing problem, and that answer is honesty. Not bluffing when the chips are down, and looking within to see where I let myself slide by my own doing, usually bringing others down with me.
The introspection is necessary, and the first step, but actually applying that knowledge is the key to turn the door which opens to freedom from the obsessive need to control, and which is just an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had no idea that I was using anger as a method to control people when they made me feel afraid. It wasn't until I reconciled with a friend that I saw my fear of rejection and abandonment motivated me to use intimidation to succumb people to my wishes. I was a tyrant, giving people a warning of consequences that would be felt should I not be appeased, and then a victim when my plans failed and I was left lonely.
No - intellectualizing fear, knowing that a hundred forms of it is the cause of all of my troubles and is the diseased root that needs to be pulled out, was not enough to keep me from making mistakes time and again when they were disturbed. I needed a real preemptive plan in order to resist its acting out when aggitated. While I needed to truly know the motivation behind my anger, I more so needed to apply my method in peacetime. This is the tricky part, because human nature isn't to go into action when comfortable or rested.
What needed to change in me what a commitment to myself to adjust, and this meant to start the process in the mundane when I am relaxed enough to be flexible. An open mind is a prerequisite to transformation, as well as a willingness to apply my technique during monotony. These two base points prepare for action, which is crucial. Because when the lights are on and I share the stage with others, there isn't time to go back and read my lines. I need to anticipate my next move before the play begins, before the tension, before the inevitable fallout.
Pain is no longer something to be avoided, it is of God just as much as joy is. The sooner I find the blessing in a circumstance, the sooner I can learn from the pain and apply the lesson to heal one more cut from the claws of egoism. The less deep the cut, the less chance of infestation from it festering without being treated. Then I take what I have learned and everyday declare what I will do differently, and this is where my recovery is.
Who knew that I would be able to heal from an ailment for which some spend years in therapy searching after, by sheer trial and error. But indeed while people helped out of service during the more difficult moments, the price was still high. It cost many relationships and friendships, many hours squandered, and many opportunities lost. But today I have the solution to my chronic and soul crushing problem, and that answer is honesty. Not bluffing when the chips are down, and looking within to see where I let myself slide by my own doing, usually bringing others down with me.
The introspection is necessary, and the first step, but actually applying that knowledge is the key to turn the door which opens to freedom from the obsessive need to control, and which is just an unhealthy coping mechanism. I had no idea that I was using anger as a method to control people when they made me feel afraid. It wasn't until I reconciled with a friend that I saw my fear of rejection and abandonment motivated me to use intimidation to succumb people to my wishes. I was a tyrant, giving people a warning of consequences that would be felt should I not be appeased, and then a victim when my plans failed and I was left lonely.
No - intellectualizing fear, knowing that a hundred forms of it is the cause of all of my troubles and is the diseased root that needs to be pulled out, was not enough to keep me from making mistakes time and again when they were disturbed. I needed a real preemptive plan in order to resist its acting out when aggitated. While I needed to truly know the motivation behind my anger, I more so needed to apply my method in peacetime. This is the tricky part, because human nature isn't to go into action when comfortable or rested.
What needed to change in me what a commitment to myself to adjust, and this meant to start the process in the mundane when I am relaxed enough to be flexible. An open mind is a prerequisite to transformation, as well as a willingness to apply my technique during monotony. These two base points prepare for action, which is crucial. Because when the lights are on and I share the stage with others, there isn't time to go back and read my lines. I need to anticipate my next move before the play begins, before the tension, before the inevitable fallout.
Pain is no longer something to be avoided, it is of God just as much as joy is. The sooner I find the blessing in a circumstance, the sooner I can learn from the pain and apply the lesson to heal one more cut from the claws of egoism. The less deep the cut, the less chance of infestation from it festering without being treated. Then I take what I have learned and everyday declare what I will do differently, and this is where my recovery is.
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| Holy Spirit Dove Painted Stained Glass, Daniel White |
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