I have always been searching for something to define my importance. A fancy title at work, a designer handbag, a trendy hair style, killer heels, outerwear that would meet Kate Middleton's approval...but after obtaining those things I learnt they didn't add to my feelings of self-worth, even though I achieved them on my own merit (which yes, I am proud of). The truth is, even after the blood, sweat, and tears put into resembling someone of high-status, I painfully discovered that I had really just traded my sense of peace for them.
Because in striving for the wealth of this world I really had no other choice than to put God aside in order to maintain those material standards. Maybe it was simply poor time-management, not dedicating sufficient time for prayer and meditation going into the "real world", but I have a feeling that is not the full picture. Because I know that when I crashed, and hard at that, I was in fact doing everything "right". So right in fact, that I deceived even myself.
Something that has been building up lately is the seemingly out-of-nowhere revelation that my entire life has been a lie. As I enter my 7th year of sobriety I now have the tools given to me by people who came before me to dig away at what was so deeply buried that I actually had no idea the atrophy that was festering away. And this, I know, is God's timing. I was not prepared to work through the discord of all I have concealed until now.
But what I have been able to address in October, through the gift of a karmic relationship, is that I don't have to use harsh language anymore. I can still soldier on, call a spade a spade, and yet gently look at the deception to have been a coping mechanism that I used to survive, rather than having been manipulative on purpose. Because living a double-life wasn't my intention. Calling people to me and then holding them away at arms-length wasn't my intention.
I still want what is in the world, and even the righteous of God were given jewels, gold, and fine textiles, but those weren't what defined them: they were simply materials taken from the earth to be enjoyed when appropriate. It seems God is calling me to do some deep healing at this time, which will include living in a place of humility unlike what I have ever known before.
Days are upon me that I must learn from, and build from. And I choose to go without fear or shame. This season I will wear sackcloth, but I will prepare to reemerge in fine linens for the next season, accompanied by all who will.
Because in striving for the wealth of this world I really had no other choice than to put God aside in order to maintain those material standards. Maybe it was simply poor time-management, not dedicating sufficient time for prayer and meditation going into the "real world", but I have a feeling that is not the full picture. Because I know that when I crashed, and hard at that, I was in fact doing everything "right". So right in fact, that I deceived even myself.
Something that has been building up lately is the seemingly out-of-nowhere revelation that my entire life has been a lie. As I enter my 7th year of sobriety I now have the tools given to me by people who came before me to dig away at what was so deeply buried that I actually had no idea the atrophy that was festering away. And this, I know, is God's timing. I was not prepared to work through the discord of all I have concealed until now.
But what I have been able to address in October, through the gift of a karmic relationship, is that I don't have to use harsh language anymore. I can still soldier on, call a spade a spade, and yet gently look at the deception to have been a coping mechanism that I used to survive, rather than having been manipulative on purpose. Because living a double-life wasn't my intention. Calling people to me and then holding them away at arms-length wasn't my intention.
I still want what is in the world, and even the righteous of God were given jewels, gold, and fine textiles, but those weren't what defined them: they were simply materials taken from the earth to be enjoyed when appropriate. It seems God is calling me to do some deep healing at this time, which will include living in a place of humility unlike what I have ever known before.
Days are upon me that I must learn from, and build from. And I choose to go without fear or shame. This season I will wear sackcloth, but I will prepare to reemerge in fine linens for the next season, accompanied by all who will.
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