Freedom

Drove up to the lot. It looked like any other building, but the seats were benches of stone.

It wasn't what I had expected.
For whatever reason I thought
we would sit at a table and look at books.

But instead it was bulletproof glass
So if you really were Wolverine,
you hid it well.

Whatever it was,
Imma ride or die
Because I'm no longer afraid
Of that look in your eye.

And I'm not going to lie About what I've done, or how I even know you at all.

Because when the cards are down,
I'll show the face I want them all to see
But until those rare moments
I’ll just sit and be me.

And that me is corrupted And that me was dying And that me is ashamed But so desperately trying.

And now I'm free and you are not Suddenly I don't want to pretend That I don't even want you at all.

Vitiated

We love God, because he loved us first (1 Jn 4.19). We do not love God out of the goodness of our hearts, which means that we cannot love our neighbour out of selfless commitment, either. 

It seems that we have been created inherently depraved, and this is not a far fetched assertion, we need only look around to see more strife than brotherhood. my theological friend, on his way I'm sure to sainthood for what he has and will continue to contribute to the faith, would say that in becoming perfect we love God solely because he is Good. But to this I ask, how can we have fallen, and become so corrupted? 

I cannot successfully defend the Old Testament Yahweh against atheists, the best I can think of is, "Well, they deserved it.", or "We don't fully understand the situation", and these are insane rationalizations!

I can, however, defend my faith, I can stand up and with (almost) complete confidence say the words "Jesus Christ" (and this is partially because I feel his name has been taken in vain so many times by false prophets, that, for me, it is too difficult to differentiate when it is sincere or not, and thereby projecting my own insecurities onto others, wondering if they think of me the same, or even, what for me would be, worse - labelled a flake).

But I have as of late been returning to my pre-baptismal Gnostic thoughts, and am once more pondering, could the Father whom Jesus loved be a different being than the God of the Hebrews? Is this why Jesus repeatedly said that we do not know his Father, and therefore nor him?

However, Jesus said that if we knew him, then we would know his Father (Jn 14.7), for he and the Father are one (Jn 10.30); Jesus also said that the world did not recognize him (Jn 1.10). It could conversely be, then, that the Jews did not truly understand their God: they wrote about a brutal and seemingly unjust God in their scriptures.

Jesus said that he who loves him will keep his words (Jn 14.23), and that his words were actually his Father's words (Jn 14.10). His commandment was to love one another, as he loved us (Jn 13.34 + 15.17). The good shepherd dies for his flock, and we are to die to self when we lift up our cross, follow Christ, and embark upon a life of service and charity to others. Yahweh in the Old Testament would seemingly not turn the other cheek, he would give an eye for an eye. With Christ, we may learn that we did not truly know Yahweh, and that the Old Testament has as much folklore in it as genealogical history, that we should not confuse with God in and of himself.

What I have noticed over the years through social media, is a violent hatred toward Christianity, and in such, insultations against its adherents. More recently, I have noticed this defiance is influenced by certain passages from the Old Testament. Jesus was a prophet, and so perhaps this is why he said, "Now they have seen and also hated both me and my Father. But this happened that the word might be fulfilled which is written in the law, 'They hated me without a cause.'" (Jn 15.24-5)

"'O righteous Father! The world has not known you, but I have known you." (Jn 17.25). Jesus makes a far more bold statement than we realize here. He is saying that Israel did not actually know their God (which again indicates that he is not the horrific deity that commands them to kill and eat their newborns, rape and pillage, and commit genocide). Jesus' statement is more than fiece, it is a condemnation, and reveals the Jews (and the world) need a saviour, who will do more than rule a nation, but who will be good because their God is good, and they will know him, "I will put my law in their minds, and write it on their hearts (instead of stone tablets); and I will be their God, and they shall be my people." Jer 31.33). 

The Messiah was to show Israel, and then after he had been glorified through his passion, the world, who the Lord really was - what Jesus was ("I and the Father are one" [Jn 10.30]), and that was gentle, humble, and someone who we may find rest in. (Mt 11.29).

Notwithstanding the beauty that our lives become once we give our lives to God, people who follow the Old Testament ought to ask themselves, who is this violent God, and was Jesus right when he said that we did not actually know him. Because if Israel did not actually know Yahweh, then who exactly were, and still are today, worshipping?

A moonlit moment

We watched the moon move in a slight curvature
And the Tower marked its travel.
It went so fast
I'd never seen it like that.

The Hip played on
Not too loud, but not too soft.
And we stood with a slight distance
between each other
and we watched in awe.

I saw you from my peripheral
Bobbing your head in that familiar comfortable way
We let the whole song play on like that
And I knew you felt it too.

That power struck right through us
That moment so very strange
That clarity that I believed
I would never know again.

And I felt so embarrassed
But I didn't understand why
And when I recollect it
The tears well in my eyes.

What was it about us
We could never really talk
Never say what we really felt
Or appreciate what was brought

And yes, I was right -
as I knew it to be true.
Never would I see again
that moon
in that light
with you.

To loose and to bind

We are living in a violent time - the age of Pisces, that translates into "House of Self-undoing", which means to have reversed something that has been done, bring destruction and ruin, or to unfasten or loosen. In fact, it is the only age of destruction, and so it is the house that Christ came in order to deliver us. Pisces is the twelfth house, and there are twelve tribes of Israel. Christ said that he came only for the lost sheep of the House of Israel.

Christ told us that only a wicked generation looks for a sign, and I interpret this to mean that people looked elsewhere, and not toward Him who was right there in front of them. We are to keep our eyes on Christ, lest be swallowed in the abyss the way Peter almost was when he was distracted by the wind. Jesus told Peter that with faith the apostle could walk on water, but when Peter got distracted by the wind, he began to sink, because he took his focus off of Jesus.

There is a saying, "We have a friend in Jesus", an adage that both Protestants and Catholics alike know and believe. We are now close to the house of Aquarius, which translates into "House of Friendships'. Aquarius is also the water bearer, and when Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well, he told her that he was the living water:

"Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. Whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty at all, but the water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water bubbling up to impart everlasting life." (John 6.13.4).

Since the symbol of the age of Pisces is the Fish and Jesus made fishers of men, and the symbol of the age of Aquarius is the Water-bearer, Jesus might return once more as a catcher, this time of water. As observed in an earlier blog, the sacrum has been connected to the water-bearer, and is translated to be "sacred" (holy). Jesus made people to catch the fish (sinners), so he now might make people to catch water. Could the new disciples be holy grails?

Crossroads: a poem

I just don't know
if my intentions are true
or if I'm just doing this
to give a big eff you
to all the people who said
I was wasting my time
being stupid with my future
not having two dimes
to rub together with the dream
of making it in the game,
the fine art of a discipline
I should have been in from the start

Having the space and the support
of people who see me now
as I've proven to be
and being free of those
who only saw me as a flake

But deep down I feel fat,
inflexible and weak
But of these I don't speak.
Don't let them see
the way I really might be
Cause we are what we think
And I don't have the luxury of time
to entertain a retreat

But can I realistically succeed
to go out on my own
and can I raise a generation of potentials
to join the corps in the National
and does it work with my schedule, do I really have the credentials?
A piece of paper I'm amazed I now have
but with my disposition to be sad
I feel I don't really belong in the RAD

But Olympians who come home with the bronze,
we still adore and over we fawn.
I just want to do what's right
God, give me the strength to continue to fight
with might

Eden

The Lord created science - he neither opposes nor contradicts it.

Therefore, how could the garden of Eden have been in the Middle East, when man comes out of Africa?

Perhaps Eden was in a sort of "Atlantis", and then man was displaced to Africa. 

Though I am not well educated in the Pacific islands, which from my understanding still practice barbaric tribal rituals, parts of Africa without doubt are stuck in a sort of inhuman culture, a separation from God.

The Bible does not lie, so I have concluded for myself that man did not evolve from the sea as a single celled organism, and this theory not sound science anyway: it is an unproven hypothesis.

Just thinking aloud... 

Footstool

Are we God's enemies?

The Lord said to my lord:

'Sit at my right hand

until I put your enemies

under your feet'

Matthew 22.44

This is what the Lord says:

'Heaven is my throne

and the earth is my footstool.

Where is the house you will build for me?

Where will my resting place be?'

Isaiah 66.1

After all, Satan is reining this world:

The devil to him (Jesus) to a very high mountain

and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.

'All this I will give you', he said, 'if you bow down and

worship me."

Matthew 4.8-9

But we may be born again, which means to become a citizen of God, through baptism of fire:

I (John) baptize you with water for repentance. But after me

comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am

not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit

and fire.'

Matthew 3.11

The Whore

I have been thinking that the Whore of Babylon was Jerusalem, as in Isaiah I learnt that Jerusalem was called a whore - a word, aka prostitute or harlot, to denote infidelity to the faith. Then I realized that I was not taking into account the whole Babylon part.

Babylon was modern day Iraq, and for six or seven years I have believed that there is a portal in Iraq that receives aliens, and is ultimately why the Middle East is hot spot. Today I learnt about Amalantrah Workings, a ritual created by Aleister Crowley used to unite our world with the unseen.

Aleister Crowley was called the Beast whose number is 666, and I now believe that he too understood chapter 13 in the Book of Revelation to be a warning about alien arrival. (Though Crowley considered himself to be Satan's "chief of staff").

My book outline

1) Earth is enslaved

2) The Bible is used as spiritual tool to keep up morale

3) Genesis describes punishment, that we have interpreted as sin. We tried to free ourselves, and were caught

4) The snake was punished for committing treason

5) We were given technology, which would be used against us. The unification via global contact would entice atheism through dismembering the Bible, the piece that separated us from our overlords

6) As the Hebrews were enslaved, killed and sent into exile, they remain strong in culture, and this is why they are the chosen people. The Jews are the archetype for humanity, as we are given the promise of being fruitful and multiplying

7) Those who use the Internet and other forms of communication for anything other than destruction of religion are spied on, and their data is filtered and collected

Christ is peace

Millennialists wait for Armageddon, where a new earth will come down from heaven, and we will live in peace and prosperity, as written in the Book of Revelation chapter 21. However, I do not believe that we need to wait in order to live in peace, for Jesus has given us his peace already.

Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within us, and I believe this means we have the power to repent, as it is only through admission that we may be healed. I have read in a Jesuit book that it is not the sin that the Lord looks at, but our apology, and this is also spoken in Mass after the consecration, “Look not upon our sins but on the faith of your Church”. The perfect sacrifice is a contrite heart. (Psalm 51.17)  

Jesus is that peace, and he is within us all now. He promised that he will never leave us orphans, and we get to remember this through the gift of his sacrament, offered every single day in Mass. And before we unite with him in the Eucharist, we declare an Act of Contrition in which we please the Lord and prepare ourselves to receive his perfection. To be sorry for sins is the first step in achieving peace; in the Gospel of Matthew chapter 3, John the Baptist tells us to repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Jesus is then introduced, being baptised by John and in so beginning his ministry to give us the kingdom, which is righteousness, peace, and joy (Romans 14.17).

Hell is a place where one is so far removed from God that the transgressor is unable to repent, and even refuses to be saved. By definition, hell is the absence of hope. It is only through honesty when we may see that there is a need to admit to sin, and to correct it through the good works of love for the Lord and ourselves. This is not easy, because we can easily become poor in stature and gold as a result of becoming rich in peace.

I have found peace through being honest, humble, and compassionate; by giving away material things (no matter how little of them I have), in caring for my neighbours, and in identifying with my enemies. I have learnt about peace through working with people who are not good; people who lie, cheat, and manipulate. I have come to realize that these people do not walk with God, and understanding this has brought me closer to Him. As King David sang, the Lord has become my refuge.

Jesus Christ has given me the will to be good when I want to be selfish, to be hopeful when I want to give up, to be kind when I want to do harm, and to let go of food, money, and pride when I want to harbour. I have learnt that there is a difference between nice and good. Those who are nice are simply opportunists and cannot be trusted, but those who are good will give of themselves without question. Those who are good have only God to support them, and he does.

I can see now that so many people are without God, and those are the ones who make others feel threatened, either intentionally or not, and are then open to dis-ease and retaliation. It is only through God that I am good, it is only through God that I care for others. When I feel tested by someone, I think of Christ, and remember that he wants me to love my neighbour. When I want to exclude, judge, or cause insult to others, I remember why I am here: to be of service, just as Jesus was: the greatest Servant of all. 

Sometimes it is difficult to do God's will, but then it becomes easy like Jesus' yoke when I remember that I will be rewarded with peace. I rarely worry about being injured now, whether through my own actions or that of others, because I now know to respect God's creation. I stay out of other’s people business, and if I am involved, it is to be of assistance, and nothing more.

For as Saint Teresa of Calcutta wrote, “Give the world the best you have (because) in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them.”

The Day of Truth

I had about two months of feeling really great. Light and bright, I even tried to put some highlights in my hair to reflect my energy. After a reaction with Henna dye on previous chemical dye, the highlights turned blue, and I had to go even darker than my natural shade to cover it up! And this can be representative of my mood shift.

I've been feeling heavy again, though I am resisting that angry part of me that wants to dance with devils, fight with anything and compile evidence against everything. I have had to take a second job, so I've been pulling 12 hour days most of my weeks, which is not actually so bad if I don't throw myself any pity parties, but my problem is that I've been getting told to look at myself for the inappropriate behaviour of others, which is just a politically correct way to say I deserve it. (I work as a bartender, which, while quite the craft, is dangerously threatening the serenity of my sensitive soul).

I have always had a sense of entitlement, of having blue blood despite my absolute lack of high placement in society, and recently I've been realizing how insane that mentality is. And though I've been told it for years, I am also now realizing that life is not fair, it is a game full of cheaters who don't get caught, or if they do, buy their way out. But really, do I have to let this bother me? Absolutely not!

The past few weeks I've had some invasive thoughts, and it's been really annoying because it's getting to the point where my mind is still, I'll notice that, and then it's like I need to shove something disturbing in. Determined to not jeopardize my 35-is-my-best-year-yet high, I've been trying to think what I can do to prevent this irritation, which is a bit challenging because it mostly happens before sleep and upon waking from it: times where I don't want to use much energy, so mantras or what not are not desirable.

Today I came across Leija Turunen's status update about her method of being thankful when in need of a shift change, and gave some examples, seemingly very silly things. Since I am drained today to the point that it's bringing me down, I tried it. I have a cute hair clip that fell on the floor, and as I picked it up I was thankful because it's nice to have a unique little decorative hair pin. Then I was thankful to have some Polysporin to rub on my stress-worn thumb cuticle. I guess being outright conscientiously thankful works, because I developed the strength and will to write my June blog.

Which leads me to it - how to manage in an unfair world, and what I think of God's vindicating wrath.

I have had two spiritual practices, Yoga and Catholicism, both of which pass on teachings of judgement to come. The former states reincarnation, the latter states heaven and purgatory (hell, which challengers would say in place of purgatory, is so incredibly rare even by Catholicism's standards, as it was designed for a more powerful being than man).

I assert it's neither; at least not the way that we understand it.

I think the problem with making sense of retribution is in trying to understand death rather than life. For me, it is nonsensical to live by a rule stating what happens in the here and now will be justified in a life that no one has experienced.

The Old Testament is riddled with verses of a cruel and jealous god, determined to avenge his people, or to punish those who strayed, in turn rewarding those who didn't. But I imagine that God does not have the same standards as us, so if we want vengeance, it can, I think, be safely asserted that therefore God does not.

Jesus said that if we know him then we know the Father, but that we do not know either. Jesus was considered a heretic, and I imagine one way was in his teaching of turning the other cheek. I believe the Old Testament was written by an emotional people, subject to slavery, exile, and ridicule, who simply wrote the best way they understood. 

As for reincarnation - what a foul teaching! We think that enlightenment comes from Eastern culture, meanwhile, their cities have a larger gap between the rich and poor than in North America. According to the law of karma, every bad thing that happens to a person is deserved! I won't even give examples of how disgusting this teaching is.

I believe:

1) Life is unfair and we will probably never know why. If we just suck it up and do our best to live honest lives and to respect, and ideally have compassion, toward others, we will be more than alright.

2) We do not know what is on the other side, though the few mediums whom I've listened to on a conspiracy radio talk show who supposedly communicate with souls that have passed over, talk about a pretty pleasant other-world, and paint portraits that I myself would prefer to look at.

3) We are all equal and God loves and forgives each person unconditionally. While this is mind-blowing to us, He does not seek the retribution that we do, and the scriptures, while of God, are not 100% percent verbatim :)

I think we are in an age of truth, which can be considered the final days before the great revelation. But unlike the end-timers, I do not believe in the rage that God has for the world and its people, and I also believe that equating war and natural disaster to sin is both outdated and disgraceful.

Instead, I believe that a sign of the Day of Truth is when honesty and kindness become more valuable than beauty and gold, because they are the tools to living a peaceful life, and that is really all any of us ever really wants.

The Logos

I assert that while Christ and Pagan are similar, there is one fundamental difference: The Church administers the magic, whereas the Pagan assumes the control.

Jesus came to redeem the world which was corrupted after an incident in the garden. Adam and Eve fell because they took it upon themselves to know God, but we are to wait for the Lord like the parable of the bridesmaids. (Matthew 25.1-13) The Holy Spirit comes to us where we are ready, and we do not decide when it is time. As with the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, we took instead of received: the fruit was unripe, and we committed an offence. 

The daemon Baphomet is the nature of God revealed; the balance between our higher nature, and lower nature. The Freemason Levi revived him, a newer form of the Egyptian goat god Khnum. To conjure up this daemon is to take from God what is not to be revealed to us yet, if ever.

Jesus' holy books taught against summoning spirits who arguably have a closer connection to God than mankind does (as they are angels who at one point worked intimately with Him). We are to be called, yet to practice sorcery is to call ourselves, forcing ourselves onto God. This is the sin, and this is why we are forgiven: We now know God, we have already been given the Holy Spirit. The answers are within us, and to seek outside is to play with the fire that has been given unto man by a false god.

Baphomet

Tradition 5

I had a terrible day yesterday. I fought with my partner the night before, and went pretty crazy. I sent him forty-five text messages, it didn't even seem that much until I counted them. I woke up yesterday feeling like I was hung-over due to stress and lack of proper sleep. But worst of all, I let my emotions put me in a position that was against everything I have been believing in: to treat others as I would like to be treated, and to spend everyday like it's my last, meaning to not go to bed with unresolved issues, and to not let a moment pass where a loved one might leave in the midst of bitter and hateful feelings. And I was verbally abusive to boot.

I went to ballet, and let all that hate leave me. I had a great class and truly felt like a disciplined dancer. This gave me energy to get to the store to buy a yoga bag, so that I can transport my mat with ease on the train, and then I hit a meeting. I love AA meetings, to the point that I sometimes feel guilty for going, and leaving my partner behind. How can I have such a great time, this isn't a reward. Where do I deserve this?

Last night, the guilt was similar, even though he was working and I'm used to being on my own after being separated for two and a half months. I believe I have been in the program long enough (January 2012) to have accepted my illnesses and the actions that are byproducts of them. I no longer feel that I am justified; I can no longer be a disgraceful person, and then go to a meeting and think I'm getting healthier, or that I am granted forgiveness for "trying". I am ready to take my lumps.

I have been wanting to get to this particular meeting for a while, but with my class beforehand and my want to see my partner after and to just relax from my over-packed schedule, I never did. Last night I was ready though, and I went up the route that I used take to visit my late friend at his work about fifteen years ago. A gorgeous area of the city with a calm, one lane which I never again had a reason to drive or roller blade along once he moved out of that area. I arrived about fifteen minutes after the meeting started (I am still mismanaging time and money), but I wasn't concerned, because it was a speaker meeting. This meant I could sneak in and take a seat in the back, with no one being the wiser. 

Well, I was certainly not the wisest. In fact I was the most foolish. The only way into the meeting was through the front of the room! Yikes. I went back down the stairs, exited the church, walked around to the front, up the stairs again, and ended up in the exact same place! After poking my head around the corner a couple of times, trying to see to the back if there were any doors, each time retracting sharply in amazement of my predicament, I decided to retreat. I accepted that I was too late.

Then a man who resembled the city's mayor (so in other words a very likable looking guy) came up to me. I was slightly mortified. I exclaimed in a whisper, "You're not here to get me, are you?!" To which he said no, and gave some sort of reason which I don't remember. He was either joking or trying to make me feel better. I assured him that I wasn't new, and that I wasn't going in. He said that I could follow behind him. Then a couple of people passed by us to use the washroom, and he said "See, people are moving about now". (It was the transition to the second half, where a person would get up and tell his story). Still, not enough people! I asked him if there was a spot beside him where I could sit and he said yes. So with my head tilted down and my eyes doing quick scans of what I was approaching, I went onward.

I found a seat facing the podium, and he was along the wall, still near by. I truly felt like a child; sweet and scared, wanting independence but too afraid. Once finding a comfort, moving away from her caregiver. The speaker went on pretty long. He was coming up to four decades of sobriety and had a lot to say. His presentation was flat, but his story was incredible. He was the poster-child of the alcoholic who recovered through the fellowship. Tripled with my travelling to the meeting out of remorse, and then defiance to enter the meeting, I felt like the poster-child of the newcomer. It felt like it was my first meeting, but unlike the novice, I was beginning to understand the spiritual requirement for practicing the Steps, and right in the last five minutes of the speaker's talk, he said something where I truly understood why it is needed for success in sobriety. As if I had just done a lot of hard work, I began to think about food. I am not "dieting" but I am now on a low carb, high protein diet (which, by the way is awesome - my weight is down, my energy is up, and I can concentrate with relative ease). But I was a little stuck; normally I would get Kraft Dinner and be done with it, but finding something sustainable with five dollars was going to be a challenge. 

After our prayer, I was told to go to the back and get some food. Really?! "Is it someone's medallion?" I inquired. No, it was the group's 67th anniversary. I was amazed; it just kept getting better. I soon discovered that it is oldest group in Toronto - formed back when the founders were still alive! And there was tons of food; it was a low turnout due to the Leafs game, I'm guessing. I ate fruit, veggies, sandwiches, and tons of salad. Yum! I left feeling grateful to have attended such a special night, and to be happily satiated. 

Yesterday at sundown, I had transpassed my 200th day of sobriety, and exactly 6 months of not smoking (180 days). Being at this meeting was not a coincidence, though I didn't realize what would transpire in attending. Last night had turned out be one of the most meaningful nights of my life, and at 35 years of age, that is not a statement I write lightly. If that man who resembled Rob Ford had not practiced Step 12, I would have never walked into that room, and would never have been a part of that important and raw night. I still don't feel great today, I am still stressed from an unreconciled falling out, but inspiration doesn't have conditions, and I don't need to have everything in place to feel content or blessed anymore. I know what it means now to suit up, show up, and report to life. And you know what they say: life is a gift, and that's why it's called the present.

Tradition 5

Peace be with you

I came across a post today that said Christians must divide and destroy Satan's kingdom, and that we must not become a secret society. The post linked a page of Bible verses that I read though, and these sentences stuck out at me, "Do not be called Rabbi, since you have only one Master...You must call no one on earth your father, since you have only one Father, and he is in heaven." (Matthew 23.8-9)

The verses, though two adjacent sentences, were divided on the sheet with others sandwiched in between them. Suddenly a piece of scripture that had eluded me for years came to understanding. Once I read the first verse, the wheels started turning (after having been rusted for a good few months), and then by the second, it was clear: When Jesus said "Teacher" and "Father" he meant our only one guide, the Holy Spirit.

Jesus told us that the kingdom of God is within us, but what does this mean? Can it mean that we are free from danger, and if so then why does Paul later tell us that the works of the flesh will not inherit the kingdom of God? ("Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like" [Galatians 5.19-21])

The baptized have received the Holy Spirit, and yet we are so violent and misguided. It is apparent that the kingdom of God is not the same as heaven. Immediately, the word "Peace" came to mind. I Googled, "The kingdom of God is peace", and found that Paul stated this in Romans 14.17, "The kingdom of God is not meat and drink, but justice, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit." 

Jesus said "Peace I give you, my peace I leave you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." (John 14.27).  We may accept this peace by listening to the truths of the Spirit, instead of the hatred in each other. When we do not succumb to the flesh which confuses us, we are able to see what is unequivocally true through our Father's instruction: we find the kingdom of God.

Listen, my child, to your father's instruction,

do not reject your mother's teaching:

they will be a crown of grace for your head,

a circlet for your neck.

Proverbs 1.8-9

RIP Hotmail

Fraser, 

I just logged onto Hotmail for the first time since I heard about your passing, just doing my intermediate inbox cleanup, and for a moment I think I thought my usual thought, "I don't want to sign off right away in case Fraser's online". 

I could not believe when I got onto the actual program on Friday from my home computer, that I gave one last shot to sign in to. All I had to do was actually look at it to see that the only reason why I couldn't login, was because of an old password being the default. I now could see that there weren't enough digits. I couldn't select it, but I clicked sign on anyway. Once the login failed, I was then able to select the password and enter the updated one. And I logged on. And my heart sank. 

I would have kept that damn program logged in 24/7, just for the times that you were online and decided to message me. I have been signing into MSN since 2009, even though everyone abandoned it to use Facebook. You were my only friend who did not have a cell phone or a Facebook account. And I hated both but I had both. And I admired you for not falling for this bullshit that is destroying our society, but which I am now completely immersed in. 

I resented you the past year, because all you ever wrote was "nb" or "nb, u?". It was like talking to a wall. I even tried to uninstall it from my home computer, because it keeps showing every time I boot up my computer, and I have to close it. But I couldn't find it in the "uninstall" section, because once again, I didn't look hard enough to see it was in the Microsoft file. I'm glad I didn't uninstall it now, but I don't want to see it pop up anymore.

I think I am done with Hotmail. 

I looked at my phone last night, and thought about calling you. I believe you have an automated message now, but just in case, I wanted to hear your voice. But I was worried that your family would be there, or even that they might have forwarded the calls to their own phone line, and then I would have been embarrassed. I remember I really liked your old greeting, it was geeky and that made it awesome, because it was natural. 

So speaking of calling, I'm glad that you also made the effort to keep in contact with me over the years. Back when you and Stephanie moved in together, I stopped calling, because I wouldn't want a girl calling for my live-in partner, so I didn't want to do that in turn. But we still got to talk and hang out often, so thanks  :)

We were pretty good friends. I spoke to your dad on Saturday, and he told me how difficult it was and how sick you were the past few months. That was the time when you started calling me again as well, and we talked about grabbing a coffee. Now I think that it wasn't really going to happen, but I am sorry I never followed up with that. I felt a little guilty when your dad told me. Here I am crying to him what a good friend you were, and yet I didn't even know that you were suffering. And while I felt rejected by you the past year, and resented you because I had invited you out when you didn't have plans, and you didn't do the same for me, I also didn't know in part because I avoided you, because it was hard for me to see you the way that you were. And I didn't suspect that you were sick, I just thought you needed a new routine to regain your muscle mass. Why didn't you tell me that cancer was eating you alive?

Yesterday was a good day for me. It was sunny and somewhat warm after two straight weeks of overcast and flurries. I got to express my loss to a couple of people who are close to me at the women's meeting, and I smiled often throughout the day. Ballet went really well, and my friend bought me a bagel and a drink in between sessions. I felt like a positive presence in my evening meeting, and I suppose bringing left-over donuts that someone let me have from the women's meeting had something to do with that  :)

I was about to log off Hotmail, but wanted to check out at least one email from you before doing so. The most recent one was a year ago from a birthday greeting. You wrote that you knew we hadn't talked much lately, but that you hoped I have a great birthday. I just realized now that you sent it right on my birthday. And you know what, I didn't even appreciate it. All I was thinking about was, no one was posting "Happy Birthday" on my wall on Facebook. Meanwhile, I have a real friend remembering me, and I was just like, "Thanks".

Fuck man, maybe I am just tormenting myself now. You really were my best friend and I had resented you for having been so distant. Even unto death you were. I just went back into my inbox, and saw that I sent you an email back in 2011 titled, "C ya". We had that fight, and I said I had stresses and how I felt you contributed, and I told you to have a nice life. And another, the most recent, June 8th, four days after my dad nearly died. I asked if you were still on MSN.

I am just grateful to you for reconciling with me. I have been learning a lot lately, and I am ashamed at my selfishness. How could I have told you to have a nice life? I guess I didn't realize that it could be possible that a year and a half later not only would it not be nice, but that it would be over.

Rest In Peace Fraser Pirie

Father George says that when we die, the place that we had in God's mosaic becomes an empty space, never to be filled again; and now I know this is true.

You were my best friend for a number of years, and I thank you for calling me and making amends with me. It was so kind to ensure that I could be at peace in your death, so I could know that we were okay, and that there was still love between us.

I dropped by your parents' house this afternoon, and no one was there. I noticed fresh footprints leading to the backyard, so I went to the backdoor to leave the package that I brought. I looked around, I saw the sheds, the BBQ, the lot where you buried your dog, the window to the basement where your room was. It felt that I was just there with you yesterday, but you moved into first the apartment that you had, and then after that your condo. Really, we hadn't been in that backyard for over five years, I guess it was. I never said anything, but maybe you've known since we've been friends for the seventeen out of our thirty-four years, that I felt a relief when I was around you which I didn't have with other people, and your simplicity and straight-forwardness always amazed me.

Being in your backyard, and knowing that I would never spend time with you in it again (Took break to try to articulate a feeling that I don't even understand) made me feel sorry for myself, and made me regret the time wasted because we were pissed off with each other about the most irrelevant bullshit in this god forsaken planet. I want to punch something. Why didn't you tell me that you were dying? Didn't you know how much I loved you? Maybe not. I guess we didn't really talk about our feelings period.

But suddenly I realize, you did know, didn't you. I was truly shocked when I saw you at your birthday last May. Then I heard rumours that you had cancer. At the back of my mind, though I didn't believe it, I was wondering if you called me on New Years to make amends. Then when we talked a couple of more times after that, I figured the occasion simply motivated you to put mindless grudges behind us. But selfish me never talked about my part in it, I treated it as though *you* had finally come to your senses. I just pray to whoever this god is, that you always knew I never meant it when I said we were no longer friends, and I'm sorry that I have to put it out this way, but deep down, I know you know.

When you called a month ago and I was in my class, and I called you back the next day, you sounded rough, but said that you were sleeping and said you'd call me back. You never did, and though it was always in the back of my mind to just call back, I never did. 

How long have you been sick? How long have you known? Why didn't you tell me? Was insomnia and a muscle deficiency really something that you struggled with as well, or was that your front? I had no idea how much you were suffering. I know that you are in a better place now. I know that all of my sadness is my own self-pity and selfishness.

Bob is hurt because he didn't get to make amends with you. I feel a little badly for him, but it actually lets me see how much you loved me back. You made sure that I would not have to live the rest of my life in regret of not having reconciled with you. This makes me incredibly happy. 

I have never experienced this sort of loss before; there is no blueprint, so all of my emotions are so genuine. I truly feel joy despite this constant flow of tears; I truly believe you are still with me. I never thought my first experience of a friend dying would be one of the few people who I truly let into my life and who always made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

God has maybe prepared me for this. I am at a point in my sobriety where I am learning to see how disgustingly selfish and superficial I am, but today, I was able to be present. I love your family. Remember when you took me out rollerblading for my first time, and I used going down on my bum to stop myself from having to turn on to Kipling, and took all of the skin off the back of my thighs? And your dad picked the tar out while I did my best to not pass out or throw up :)

I am looking forward to your funeral, I know why people call it a celebration of life now. And your funeral is the day before Easter. When we honour you, it will be the day after Jesus' crucifixion. Jesus was dead, and now so are you, but Jesus rose, and so will you. And when it is my turn to rise, I will see you once again my friend. I love you so much. Peace.

The true nature of sin

The word "sin" does not appear in the Greek Bible. The word that originally is used is "missing".

"Mis" means "wrong", "ill", "mistaken", or "incorrect"

"Sing" means "incantation"

"Incantation" means "story", "speech", "to say aloud", "recite", "tell", "speak", or "declare"

So 'missing" means the wrong story, ill speech, incorrect story, or something of that sort.

Enter the Gospels - "Good spell" (Or, "God's spell")

It can be concluded that "sin" actually means "incorrect", and that it is not that mankind is fallen, which means less than, but rather erroneous in the understanding of our origins. When Jesus ministered, he told us that we were loved, "forgiven", and worth more than all else to the Lord: a radical change of view.

"It is finished"

What did Jesus mean when he said, "It is finished" while on the cross?

For the past 2 to 3 years, I have been interpreting his statement to mean the end of blood sacrifices. Jesus told the disciples that the Temple would fall, and sacrifices were permitted only at the Temple. In representing the pascal lamb, Jesus was declaring himself to be the last offering for the transgressions of he who holds the knife. 

After reading from the Aquarian Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have reiterated my assertion. The below excerpt is from Part 3, Chapter 18. Note: In Chapter 13, John the Baptist is told by an Egyptian priest, who prepares him for his role as the new Elijah, that blood sacrifice does not absolve sin, and furthermore that it was a tradition taken from idol worshippers from other lands. Chapter 13 can be found at the top of the page in the above link:

"THE great feast of the Jews was on, and Joseph, Mary and their son, and many of their kin, went to Jerusalem. The child was ten years old.

2. And Jesus watched the butchers kill the lambs and birds and burn them on the altar in the name of God.

3. His tender heart was shocked at this display of cruelty; he asked the serving priest, What is the purpose of this slaughter of the beasts and birds? Why do you burn their flesh before the Lord?

4. The priest replied, This is our sacrifice for sin. God has commanded us to do these things, and said that in these sacrifices all our sins are blotted out.

5. And Jesus said, Will you be kind enough to tell when God proclaimed that sins are blotted out by sacrifice of any kind?

6. Did not David say that God requires not a sacrifice for sin? that it is a sin itself to bring before his face burnt offerings, as offerings for sin? Did not Isaiah say the same?

7. The priest replied, My child you are beside yourself. Do you know more about the laws of God than all the priests of Israel? This is no place for boys to show their wit.

8. But Jesus heeded not his taunts; he went to Hillel, chief of the Sanhedrin, and he said to him,

9. Rabboni, I would like to talk with you; I am disturbed about this service of the pascal feast. I thought the temple was the house of God where love and kindness dwell.

10. Do you not hear the bleating of those lambs, the pleading of those doves that men are killing over there? Do you not smell that awful stench that comes from burning flesh?

11. Can man be kind and just, and still be filled with cruelty?

12. A God that takes delight in sacrifice, in blood and burning flesh, is not my Father-God."

Was Jesus an Essene?

Was Jesus an Essene? All signs point to "Yes".

1)  Essenes had no geographical location; they lived all over Judah ("The son of man has nowhere to rest his head")

2)  Ascetic, voluntary poverty, did not own property

3)  Studied mysticism, eschatology, and messanic prophecies

4)  Linked to the Dead Sea Scrolls, which taught how to perform exorcisms

5)  Celibate, did not marry

6)  One of the three sects of Judaism (Jesus was in all likelihood not a Pharisee or a Sadducee)

7)  Strict observance of the Sabbath day

8)  Ritually immersed in water

9)  Devoted themselves to charity (Jesus told his disciples to accept no money)

10) Flourished two centuries before Jesus' ministry, and two centuries after

11) Forbidden from sacrificing animals and from swearing oaths ("Do no call anyone on Earth your 'father'" - Note: "Father" is "God". We swear oaths on God's name)

12) Essenes did not keep slaves, instead they served each other (Jesus said that he had come to serve)

13) After a three year probation, members were initiated into the group (Jesus ministered for three years)

______________________________

Footnote 1

Footnote 2

Great article on Jesus as an Essene

Alchemy and the origins of man

Is it possible that life on Earth is a result of alchemy?

Half a century ago, a meteorite hit Earth, carrying the building blocks of life on it. Water, ammonia, and carbon dioxide were found on the meteorite, and scientists now wonder if our origins are actually extraterrestrial.

While the Bible says that we appeared from the earth, as a full human being, we know today that we originated from the sea, our earliest form being a single celled organism, composed of nothing much more than proteins, acids, and bacteria.

A little water here, a little amino acid there, and it can sound like a concoction that is used in spells and sorcery. In fact two and a half weeks after writing and publishing this blog, the BBC posted an article that scientists have (for now) concluded that what killed the dinosaurs, as well as 70% of life on Earth, was a comet carrying osmium, a metal which can trace extraterrestrial material. Is it possible that this alien material changed life as we know it, creating an ecosystem hospitable to mammals larger than mice?

It is being discussed more and more with the recent popular assertion of ancient astronauts, that Yahweh did not create us, but rather that a group of gods, or elohim, did. 

In understanding how life was formed from a few seemingly basic components, all working together, it is not difficult for me to imagine a pot with someone over it, throwing ingredients in and chanting.

Modern chemistry is attributed to an alchemist. The word "alchemy", which is a form of chemistry because properties mixed together cause reactions, not only share nearly the same name, but it also has its root word in "astronomy". Is this a coincidence?

While I believe we have evolved to mankind with little external influence, I do wonder if our origins are from an experiment, or if life is a result of what the father of chemistry pioneered, the "scientific method"; an experimentation by which a system used to investigate phenomenon, acquire new knowledge, or correct and integrate existing knowledge.

Evil = disorder

The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was the knowledge of being like Yahweh: able to surpass natural laws. Yahweh said that he makes peace and evil. It is not written that he creates good and evil, but rather it is peace and evil. 

To have peace, is "to be free from disorder", and evil is "overreaching bounds". When man became like the god of this world, he became unruly and uncontrollable. With the ability to manipulate his environment, ego ran amuck, and Eden was supplanted with suffering.

Judaism is the first monotheistic religion: the first culture where it was only the elders who administered the rites; only the priests handled the supernatural. Sorcerers became outlawed in society, and the Holy Book shows numerous prohibitions against magic.

Then Jesus began his ministry and forgave occult practices, as exemplified through Simon Magus. Jesus called his people "sheep", and this was not just referring to his followers, but also to those who rejected their birthright. Sheep are generally not egotistical; they follow other sheep, even if it leads to their demise. They also herd together, as they are generally defenceless animals, and there is strength in numbers. In being united with the Shepherd we have his peace where we may be gods without anarchy.

Jesus is called the "logos", which means "order" by definition, and has been so for hundreds of years before it became known as the Word (Christ incarnate). Now, the Shepherd has protected us from disarray: we are offered peace and rest. He said that we are gods, though we die as humans do. Since Jesus came to bring eternal life, we are being given the opportunity to have eaten from the Tree and yet still live. He is "the way", whereby we may obtain our godhood, and still have peace.

We have been offered a loophole: Jesus is the door which we pass through by way of the narrow gate; narrow, because there is a strict method which we must follow, in order to produce the fruits that is achieved by balancing humility and eminence. We may now access God within, without having to leave our father, Abraham.

With the law now being in our hearts, we may see beyond what is written on stone, and observe the boundless, while still maintaining the discipline of our patriarchs.

Christ, the Water Bearer

We must walk before we may run. We were made gods, independent and immortal, but when we tried to access our divinity before it was our time, our power was revoked. Even Jesus said no, when his time had not yet come. (John 2.4) Our dis-ease of greed, pride, and lust were born, and we became reliant on a sort of redemption.

We now experience death (John 10.34 and Psalm 82.6-7). Jesus reminded us of our nature, and in announcing that the kingdom of God is within us, gave us his blessing to pursue our divinity. (Luke 17.21) Whether deserved or not, and it is most certainly not, God is allowing for us to return to our godhood - unity with him.

Christ said that he was to be lifted up, just as the saving bronze snake by Moses was lifted in the desert (John 3.14 and Numbers 21.8-9). Now it is time to imitate as children do (Matthew 18.3), and raise the snake within. 

The ancient teaching of the kundalini: the sleeping serpent coiled in the sacrum, the triangular bone at the base of the spine, which means "holy" in Latin because it was used in sacrifice, is returning to us. In death, which we experience by being cut off from God, and so denied of our life force, it was believed that we went to sleep; there was no afterlife. Jesus taught us that not only is there an afterlife, but that we will never again experience death: When Jesus died and was resurrected, he prepared us for salvation.

This snake is our energy that is God's which is given to us, and in turn becomes our own divinity. When awakened from its slumber, made dormant upon our misunderstanding of what sin is, we return to our divine state. The yogis claim that the Church will fall with the passing of the Age of Pisces, the Fish, which is Christ's symbol, when we move into the house of Aquarius, symbolized by the Sacrum, which holds the water of life that the Water Bearer provides. But it is Jesus who brings the living water. (John 4.10-4) Christ said that we must be reborn of Spirit and of water (John 3.5), and that he will return to save us through the cleansing waters of baptism in the form of the Water Bearer.

There are numerous verses in the Bible where it would appear that the Trinity is false, and are used in argument against Christianity. But the passages that define Christ's relationship to the Father are an explanation of how we too are to be united with God. Verses such as "The Father is in me, and I in the Father" (John 10.38), "Glorify your Son, so that your Son may glorify you." (John 17.1), and "If God were your Father, you would love me, for I have come here from God." (John 8.42), can show a placement of the serpent, when we read them in the context of recognizing the kingdom within. While the Jews were waiting for the Temple to be rebuilt, Jesus told them that rather it was the body that was the Temple. Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit dwells within us now.

Yesterday (02/10/13) also marked the Year of the Snake in the Chinese lunar year. The Chinese zodiacs further include Wu Xing, which are elements used to describe a phase that is connected to that year, and range from interaction between the body as a collective, relationships with others, and the state of worldly affairs. This year, the Phase is Water, and represents the low point of matter, where it's dying or hiding. It could appear that the Church is dying in this new age of rebellion and apostasy, but in reality it is just hidden, waiting for a Revelation, which the last book in the New Testament is about: the end, and what is to come to light. In the new age, information will be free and flowing, and there will be no more secrets.

With the serpent playing a core role in our union with the divine throughout the ages, and the Age of Aquarius being correlated to that, it is possible that the Water Bearer will be Christ's new form.

Suffering is a gift from God

The Lord did not create us to suffer, but rather to tend to others, as shown when Jesus said the last will be first, and that he had come to serve. (Matthew 20.27-8) We know that Jesus is the Messiah, because he fulfilled  the prophecies in Isaiah, including what is written about he who will proclaim the good news: the injured wounds' will be bound, and the captives will be set free. (Isaiah 61:1) Jesus told us that if we do not love our neighbour, we will not enter the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 22.36) Paul reiterates Christ's purpose to alleviate other's pain, when he says that we will fulfill the law of Christ when we carry each other's burdens. (Galatians 6.2)

It is in our pain that we grow sympathetic, and so then become a ready vessel to be filled with the Spirit, in which we may alleviate the suffering of others. Hardship is natural, and is therefore good.

But to be depressed, wrapped in a spell of perpetual suffering, is not normal: it is a defect of character which causes resistance to recover from the initial shock of the distress, where we then forfeit our purpose. It is the inability to be grateful for what we do not suffer for, though it is in gratitude whilst suffering that we may receive God's grace, for this prepares us a way through which to serve.

To refuse inspiration is the opposite of service, and is contradictory to our instincts. But more seriously, it is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit: the rejection of God's healing love, and this is the one unforgivable sin. (Mark 3.28-9)

When we are victimized, we are not being helpful; instead we are denying life itself, which is the Lord's gift to us. This transgression against God's will, which is to serve in his excellence, is poison to us for it is in our composition to build from hardship, and then to help others, and it is in our compassion where we may enter the kingdom of God. (Matthew 22.36-39)