Crossroads: a poem

I just don't know
if my intentions are true
or if I'm just doing this
to give a big eff you
to all the people who said
I was wasting my time
being stupid with my future
not having two dimes
to rub together with the dream
of making it in the game,
the fine art of a discipline
I should have been in from the start

Having the space and the support
of people who see me now
as I've proven to be
and being free of those
who only saw me as a flake

But deep down I feel fat,
inflexible and weak
But of these I don't speak.
Don't let them see
the way I really might be
Cause we are what we think
And I don't have the luxury of time
to entertain a retreat

But can I realistically succeed
to go out on my own
and can I raise a generation of potentials
to join the corps in the National
and does it work with my schedule, do I really have the credentials?
A piece of paper I'm amazed I now have
but with my disposition to be sad
I feel I don't really belong in the RAD

But Olympians who come home with the bronze,
we still adore and over we fawn.
I just want to do what's right
God, give me the strength to continue to fight
with might