Living a graceful life

This article took on a life of its own as I was writing it. It has ended up being about basic suggestions to live a healthy and graceful life. I hope it's cohesive!

Thirteen years ago this month, I began my journey through kundalini yoga. It was one of the most amazing times of my life. I was in my mid-twenties without a care in the world, and in *near* perfect physical condition. I didn't have the flexibility that I wanted for my dancing, and so I innocently joined a yoga class at a community centre. I will never forget what my soon-to-be guru said, "You have no idea what you're getting yourselves into", with his famous enormous deafening belly laugh.

I was also having a great time learning how to use forums online, which really kick started my spiritual journey. I was communicating with a Muslim from Turkey, finding resources and learning about things like the Ottoman Empire. I was attracted to Islam, because it reveres Jesus without making him a deity (today I recognize Christ as being The Way to redemption). It was a wonderful time of exploration, physically, mentally (yoga was so intense, I broke major physical and mental barriers), and spiritually. I thought my teacher was Muslim, because he was wearing a turban (forgive my ignorance), and so I was hoping to learn about Islam through him. Instead he told me that his religion was formed to be a defence against radical Muslims who were attacking Hindus, which was shocking for me to learn. He had converted from his family faith, as is common in the kundalini yoga community. I then learnt all about Sikhism, and some basic Punjabi.

Most importantly, I learnt a lot about basic decent living through yoga, and it relieved me of a lot of obsessions and grudges. I felt free. One of the best things I learnt in yoga is, don't lie. If you don't want to say something, just say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about this." Feeling the need to explain ourselves is one way we get trapped into lying, but not always. Sometimes we just don't know to keep quiet when we should not speak. The need to defend oneself can, without even knowing, cause the breakdown of integrity, which is a long-term consequence to a silly little lie that seems so innocuous.

But being dishonest can corrode us, and it does so insidiously - from the inside out where we don't even see the damage until it's gone too far. White lies aren't harmless, as we would love to believe; they snowball and can leave us isolated, because we end up taking steps back in order to not get caught going back on a lie. 

I haven't practiced yoga in a while, but the other night I did a set that I was given to teach the class when I was in teacher training, and it's always been my intention to master it. It's for cleansing and disease prevention and it's a good set, but a hard one. I lamented my inflexibly mixed with a few extra pounds nearly 15 years later. I pulled a neck muscle which manifested as I slept, but am glad I took the time to quickly go over it. It seems to have kicked started some discipline that I've been lacking in. One way it has helped is to not procrastinate. As Yogi Bhajan said, "When the time is on, start, and the pressure will be off."

But another thing I have come to realize is that when we avoid lying, we become disciplined as well, because we become holistic. In our integrity we are confident by default, and we have the energy to do what needs to be done. Our minds are alert to recognize that we will feel better for having done the task at hand, instead of being lazy and then apathetic (what I believe helps justify inaction). 

Also, working on our daily duties involve movement, so adrenaline and endorphins are released - the "feel good" chemicals. We also have the longer-term effects of having burned some calories and loosened some joints and muscles. When I am doing what I need to be doing, whether it's washing the dishes, doing my laundry, shovelling the snow, or giving the birds fresh water, I feel so accomplished, and it sets me up to keep going so that I am less likely to fall into bad habits.

When we are living out decent lives that are meaningful to us individually, there is less need to be impressive. We come to know a peaceful life which is attractive to others: again, there is no need for validation. Practicing the discipline to not lie, to get our work done, and to be confident about our interests paves the way to a life where we have possibilities, and where everything can be put into perspective, with compassion and understanding.

With intent

It can be really difficult to see zealous Christians, especially the ones who went to the Cross after practicing New Age, because I was essentially forced out of that movement due to unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. But it still takes effort for me to not return to fundamentalism, and to remember the hardship that comes with the inexcusable validation by born-again Christians to take the Bible literally, and to even damn Christians and non-Christians alike. I suppose they believe that if they overcame obstacles on their road to the Cross, everyone else should be able to commit to lies as well.

I keep thinking that I can have both worlds - the born-again, and the mystical, but the intolerance in converted Christian communities is nearly unbearable, because to avoid sin is not only just about impossible, but to believe that the earth was created in six days, or that Adam lived to be 900 years old, or that Mary conceived as a virgin, or that Jesus was buried for three days and then rose and returned to minister, is just absurd. I really don't understand why someone needs to believe those things in order to be a "real", and therefore accepted member of the Christian community. 

They are the Pharisees as described in Matthew 23:13+15:

"'Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut up the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither go in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in. 

'Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.'"

I know this to be true, I know that God is not the author of confusion, so why is it so difficult to not feel envious of these people who can so blindly follow their faith and so confidently evangelize, despite their hypocrisy? The solution is to not focus on these people, and to move away from their video testimonies where they with such ease debase my values, and stop checking to see if I've been unblocked from the group that I was in. But this can be really difficult when all I want is to follow the message of the Cross, and fit in somewhere. While I am being empowered to create and spread the motion for a new, true religion in Christ, it doesn't really help when my disease is otherness, and my remedy is togetherness.

"God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, that whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him.

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11

A new world

I just pulled this Dragon card. Too cool 😎

"Destroy the old. Visualize your dream.

Help to manifest a new world."

The Global Christian Committee - WIP

I have begun brainstorming how the second (global and digital) Reformation can begin to take place, and what the outline will be. The Global Christian Committee (hereinafter named "GCC") will be open to all suggestion, from literature, to doctrine, to rites of worship (if any). While the GCC has been birthed from the need to reform the Christian faith, its name may be subject to change as is takes on knowledge and applied wisdom from multi-disciplinary fields, such as Rosicrucianism, Kabbalah, and Sufism.

To start, the following shall be suggested:

LITERATURE

1) Three official texts - The Old Testament, Psalms and Proverbs, The New Testament.

2) The New Testament will have from it removed anything that is inconstant with Christ's Great Commandment, or his status of Godhood. Items such as any letters that speak against the occult or sexuality to be removed. 

3) Any Gnostic gospel that is consistent with any of the canonized gospels may be considered for addition to the New Testament, or the book of poems and proses, if written as such. Any books that were removed in the making of the King James Bible may be considered for re-admittance. 

DOCTRINE

1) All supernatural lessons shall be taken for mystical purposes, and all literalism will be rejected.

2) Any dated lesson of that time in antiquity will be treated as such, or removed to prevent misinterpretation and confusion. 

3) The message of the Cross shall not be compromised under any circumstances.

RITES

1) Should any forms for rites or worship be agreed upon, while the GCC functions digitally, groups in physical communities may meet autonomously, in public or private, with the authority to instruct.

THE COMMITTEE

1) The GCC shall meet in groups online, with a Board Committee (hereinafter named "BC") formed by apostles, chosen, as Inyate Khan teaches, through initiation of the inner self. The BC can furthermore nominate and elect anyone seen fit by way of knowledge of scripture, and wisdom of practical application, to sit in council.

2) All professing born-again followers of Christ may participate in the GCC, and are entitled to one vote per person.

3) Should the GCC become disorganized, for whatever reason, the BC has the right to dissolve and regroup.

4) While there are leaders who form and facilitate the GCC, all who abide by the teachings of the gospels and wish to join will have a voice in any changes or propositions during planning sessions. 

Student no more

Two years ago this month, I started my first year of a four year degree program in business at a college that is starting to merge into university-level education. It was a really strange time in my life, I was out of my "gratitude" phase of early sobriety and feeling pretty entitled. I was in an uncomfortable limbo of confusion and dissatisfaction, but mostly, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of growing old on the sales floor, of having such an active job moving later into life. It was completely irrational, but, I am trusting that today, things have been sorted out, and I am where I need to be. 

It was a tough go, exhausting and difficult, but I learnt a lot, especially things that weren't even on the syllabus. My confidence grew, and while my life was out of balance on the outside, on the inside I felt like I was finding my voice. I only stayed for year one, and then I went back to work in an office full-time. It's been a difficult transition the past year into the nine-to-five lifestyle, but the stability is doing me really well. I have spent the past year though romanticizing about going back to school, and my program has always been open to me. This semester I was going to take three courses, which is considered full-time. Classes start this week, a bit later than usual due to a teachers' strike that happened last semester, but as I went through the course material online, I became anxious and upset. I felt the resentments growing. 

There are things that the professors get away with that they shouldn't. One sent a video of  a lecture where a student's phone rings, and the professor went to the student, took his phone, and then smashed it on the floor. In his email he wrote something supposedly clever about how this is the cell phone policy. Another professor is sick and won't be in class this week, which means we lose that time and next week we'll have to cover three chapters in one lecture. The other class I dropped before I even became discouraged by the other profs, and it was the syllabus that was the problem. The work load was excessive, and while it would have been incredibly educational, it was only an elective and I am furthermore not spending my semester doing what was being asked of me, not at this point in my life, not at being on average twice the age of the other students. 

I want to remember this, because, this is it. It has been two years since I have been in that unforgettable semester, and I know now I can't get that experience back. Even though my classes this semester were all in the buildings that I liked the most, I wanted to take them for me and for what I could take back to the office with me. Not wake up at six am two or three times a week to deal with shitty or asshole professors, or unreasonable work loads.

Reforming Christianity

I've been researching the teaching of the Elect, as presented in the Bible, which is a really interesting topic. It refers to the redemption and salvation of people, but it doesn't actually explain it. Personally, I believe the elect are initiates who are set aside to teach, but ultimately the teaching has, in my opinion, been perverted to mean people who have been saved. There are two main ways of interpreting this teaching: 1) Prescient - God foreknew before laying the foundation of the world who would by free will choose him and his saving grace, and 2) Augustinian - God in his sovereignty "elected" those who would be saved, not us. Reportedly, the majority of born-again Christians believe in the former, however this denies God's Absolute power. That said, is it unpalatable to believe that we do not have free will, and besides, if we have no choice in our freedom then why bother to even care about helping others? 

We are restored through our faith, and there is nothing written where we need to do anything in order to "earn" our room in God's mansion. While I really like Apostle Paul's letters, he writes some pretty horrible things about sinners that are inconsistent with what Jesus said. I had an "ah-ha" moment, where I realized that while we are powerless over whether we believe or not, we can still spread the Gospel. Just because we are saved, it doesn't mean it is not at times an arduous path as we make our way back to God. We all need to be refulled from time to time, and it is through the exhibited faith of others where we can be inspired.

While perhaps I have no say in my interests, or what I choose to believe, it's more important to recognize that it is not easy. It is not easy to be a Christian, and I have strayed because of this. But I do not stray because I can't carry my cross, I stray because I cannot function properly when I "behave" and "think" like a "real" Christian. It is not easy to be part of a system where there is so much inconsistency, irrationality, intolerance, with warring sects of members who think they must fight to the point of demised relationships, in order to be "right" and therefore respected. 

How do we honestly feel about Christians? Do we hate them, do we envy them, do we want them gone, do we want to be a part of the movement? Christianity as a whole is doing everything wrong, and I have learnt from personal experience that it can be heartbreaking and soul crushing. But there are moments of reprieve, where I am relaxed and refocussed on what it means to be a true follower of Christ. It's been over 400 years and we are due for another Reformation, but not another denomination. The literature needs to be revised, this is the only way. 

It is all too easy to be let down by Christians, and the religion takes advantage of our human nature, which is that we will in full believe a lie if we have to. People inherently know when they are being deceived, when there are illogical conclusions (things that are being taken literal instead of as a teaching tool), or when there are contradictions in instructions. The devil's tactic is to confuse, and there are prime examples of this happening in the religion. Accepting evil causes us to act in and disproportionately. Compassion takes second place to "resilience", and justifications are conjured in order to feel righteous in going against the core teaching: Love.

The Vatican has done a gross injustice to society and nearly catapulted us back to the dark ages, and the Protestants made a huge mistake when they broke from the Catholic Church and didn't reform some of the teachings. With the global revolution and technology, I think all born-again Christians should be given the chance to be on a committee and have a vote as to what happens to the literature, creed, and rites. This is proper given our digital evolution, where we are all connected and equal. It's time to become a real follower of Christ, it's time to really get saved, to release from our demons and be freed, and to build a future that helps everyone, even non-Christians. Let the Catholics and the Evangelists keep their traditions, but let those of us who are harassed begin anew. The world is looking up: it's being healed despite war and rumours of war, and now is the time us heretics have a chance to lead.

__________________________________________________________

"But when (John the Baptist) saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, 'Brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance, and do not think to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I say to you that God is able to raise up children to Abraham from these stones. And even now the ax is laid to the root of the trees." Matthew 3.7-10

Responding to fate

I've been receiving a lot of messages about free will lately, and today I was invited to meditate on what it means to respond, instead of react - something that is a crucial learning in recovery. When I act calmly and rationally, I am not subjected to my environment, because I don't suffer from the consequences that happen when reacting. I become more free to move around, with more options to choose from. I become empowered to choose.

The way that we understand "responding" and "reacting" is when responding, we assess what is before us, and act accordingly, which might require some time-out before making a decision. Whereas reacting is impulsive, and usually has negative consequences. Some examples are needing to make apologies, jeopardizing opportunities, or mismanagement of important resources, such as money. 

I was reading some more lectures by Inayat Khan yesterday, and funnily enough, one of his talks was on free will verses destiny. He confirmed what I was for the first time really understanding - that we are both mechanical and creative beings, the former we are powerless over our environment, the latter we are limitless. Today I believe that we do not need to be victims of circumstance, that with the spirit, opportunities will present themselves. 

Most of us are not connected to our creative selves though, and so many people are petty, and prefer recrimination to restitution. I believe that this is single-handedly the greatest poison to the human race that we are prey to, and to reconnect to our higher selves is crucial. But with this cruciality comes the crucible: the refiner's furnace where we look at the rot in order to be purified and freed from this debilitating tit-for-tat. Not always pleasant, but it is necessary to rise above the discomfort and the desperation for retaliation. This retaliation is oftentimes not reasonable, it is impassioned and reckless, and it hurts us rather than relieves us. 

I no longer believe that I need to be a victim of circumstance, and when I can trust the universe, I can be so grateful for what I do have. Surely everyone has at least one talent that they can draw from, that can carry them from one moment to the next. There might still be consequences in one's life from the inappropriate use of free will, or from the complacency of where destiny would have one be, but even the smallest action day in and day out will make the changes needed to rectify losing to fate's will, and return to what our higher selves would have us be. 

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves." - William Shakespeare

Full speed ahead

In one week from tonight, there will be a super, blood, blue, eclipse moon, which we haven't seen in 150 years. What has been revealed to me through my own experience and my guides, and is being confirmed in this unusual celestial event, is that it's time to transition from student to teacher, or disciple to master. 

While we never stop learning, and while divine inspiration never runs dry (even when we think it does), many of us are either not finding the answers we seek outside of ourselves, or we are running into conflict which forces a change of direction. Either way, these seemingly harsh setbacks are actually nourishment for great accomplishments to unfold, and are necessary for that spiritual and material growth.

We are being invited to move forward with what we really want to be doing in our lives, and to break through the blocks that keep us from working with our true talents. Therefore, the best route to be taking next week is to spend the first half of it in contemplation, preparing ourselves for the bust of creative energy that will exude from us on Wednesday night. 

This celestial powerhouse is going to lay out the pathway toward our goals, and to re-focus. It's really important to take the beginning of next week to be still and contemplative, which works to connect us to ourselves and to our surroundings, because on Wednesday, all bets are off. We will be soaring with that extra push from the universe encouraging us to be brave, so we'll need to be really firm in our intentions. While we are to always strive for balance, somewhere between the material and the spiritual, it will be even a bit more difficult to keep in our desired direction next week. 

Preparation will be so important in order to feel and act levelled. This will be a time where we are fully supported in the transition from following to leading, and we'll want to get the most from it. If you have been feeling frustrated, chances are this is your time to go within, and let it out, and chances also are what comes out will be to the benefit of all those around you. If anything, remember that this full moon will be a super moon, meaning it will be extra bright. Utilize that light, and be a beacon of peace, which will guaranteed start a domino effect. 

Here's a helpful article that provides an easy explanation about the moon's event on the 31st.

In sound mind

I had a really strange weekend, and now am having a really strange Monday. The stars and the weather are wacked out, and, I'm kind of enjoying it. But I'm also struggling with where my mind is to follow......I really feel disconnected from Christianity, which is the direction where my mind travels. So, I am revisiting my roots from twenty years ago - philosophy. I joined a new group on Facebook, and am really enjoying it. My mind is going in a much more healthy direction. The conversations are of quality, and I actually feel smarter...

That said, the Flat Earth Theory came up in discussion., and I had an "ah-ha" moment. At first I refused to participate in the thread, because I feel very strongly against this theory, not only because it is ludicrous but because there are many, many Americans who believe in it. Arguing FET was what got me kicked out of my favourite Christian group, which was my main support line for my crumbling faith. 

I did end up participating, and no Christianity did not enter the topic: philosophy is a fully rational discipline. In discussion, I realized the human mind is so incredibly powerful, that it will convince itself of falsities, just to not feel threatened. I realized that these born-again Christians who believe that the Bible is literal, are so primitive and mob-minded, that their very personhood depends on blindly following ideas in a perverse fear that they will be victims of rejection, where prehistoric times would have them outcast from the group and left for dead in hostile terrain. I already understood the mob-mentality of humans, but I didn't make the connection of how it is backed by such juvenile pressures, but it actually makes complete sense.

Ultimately, where I am going with this article is, I don't want to return to my religious ties - it was the mob-mentality (manifested through my underdeveloped/weak mind) which caused me to move in the direction of becoming a Bible-bearing, doctrine-ridden "real" Christian*. First, I felt insecure for not being baptized, but then I felt disingenuous when not towing the party-line. I was in a very fragile time of my life when I was initiated into the Catholic Church, and I do not believe that I was in sound-mind when I entered into this "contract".

However, I had another "ah-ha" moment today - that my endeavors in Christianity have all really just been a misdirected route to achieving sobriety (what my main focus should be). Just the same as with yoga, rehab, and relationships, I used religion to offer me a false solution to a very real problem - alcoholism. I used rules to righteousness in order to compensate for my feelings of brokenness and inferiority, though I do not need outside teachings or rules to be a good person. I had values of good living instilled in me during childhood, when I was truly teachable, and it was then when I paid my dues of being molded into a productive member of society. I was simply lucky enough to have noticed when I fell off the path; I just didn't go to the most effective resources for that support initially.

It's a huge relief to begin my transition back into secular society. What has been needed to be done, is done. Everything has been completed. All I have to do now, is enjoy my time left on this earth, which when I am not getting in my own way, really isn't that complicated.

*Note: Believing that the earth is flat is not a legitimate Christian belief and is refuted by the Vatican.

Are we doing this wrong?

This is a sensitive topic and unfortunately I don't "know my audience" here on blogspot, so I need to tread lightly. I am beginning to suspect that a reason for my difficulty in forming meaningful connections with others is from fear of being let down, or in turn letting others down.

I am part of a community where we have one thing in common, and that is to get sober. We all have different reasons for choosing recovery, but the core is always the same: the emptiness of addiction, and so we identify with each other really well. I have found that the quality of my life and my program has improved because I am making the efforts to get to know people, and for them to get to know me. But this has been really difficult for me, and I see so many others who form real friendships immediately, and who have entire groups of friends within months of sobriety. 

And I envy that, but I also wonder, is the premise being lost in translation? We are all accepting and all inclusive, as we should be, but in so are we neglecting our purpose? When someone picks up a drink after a decent run of sobriety, are we really asking how that happened? People die from alcoholism, and I am beginning to suspect the fear of looking judgemental is actually clouding our judgement of how to communicate to and about members who are struggling. 

Now, people are visual, and as addicts, we tend to not see the line between real and fake, and can easily be confused by outward appearances. And generally, we are happy in meetings, a lot of the time we don't even know how on the edge someone really is. So when we see someone who is returning to the flock, we rejoice, everyone is happy, but I've never seen anyone say, "What the hell happened?" Because really, that should be the focus - what went so wrong in your twenty-four hours that you found it necessary to drink poison?

I know that we have pride, we have mob-mentality, we have insecurities and needs for connections with others, but these really shouldn't come in place of an honest appraisal - and yes, members who choose self over the program are going to be talked about and no, that is not gossip, and we need to get that straight. I know for me, I would feel like an ass if I applauded someone coming back one week, and the next week they were dead.

With this said, I am open to the idea of being wrong, because I am most certainly no expert in interpersonal relationships, and so I welcome correction from God if need be. I will not let my pride twist the reality of what recovery should be. In fact I am almost hoping I am wrong, because that would mean we don't have as much burden to bear, instead we just cheer.

And I shall know peace

I had an important moment last night as I was falling asleep. I am, or I want to be, past my prime. I realized that this acceptance is necessary should I have a peaceful life. I am very happy for the free time that not having a family has afforded me.

I have always been a sleeper, my mom loved me for it. I would sleep twelve hours, and nap during the day. I was a happy baby, I woke up (I am guessing) refreshed, and ready to start my day. This hasn't changed; I need less sleep now (though not much less, ten hours per night is the ideal), and I don't nap (the idea of napping I actually find comical). The most important part of my twenty-four hours is to spend half of that in sleep.

I had a cold last week, and it was fine. I was fortunate that I didn't have a sore throat or a cough. I did my eight hours at the office, where by no means the work is strenuous or needing really much interaction with others, and then went home where I would eat something small and watch an hour or two of Netflix. I got about fifteen hours of sleep a night for several nights, and my cold was completely gone (a bit of a runny nose, but it's also winter) within one full week.  My friend, on the other hand, who got sick at the exact same time, is still lingering with this cold ("Linger" - R.I.P. Dolores O'Riordan), and that is because he did not get sufficient rest. He is nearly a full-time single dad, and he is run-down in general. 

My current obsession - turning forty in two months and not having had a boyfriend in four years, combined with some flings which abruptly concluded in confusing devastation - has brought me to a place of surrender: I might not have a family, I might not even get married. Suddenly though, this isn't as terrifying to me. I know a man who never got married and never had children. I really don't understand that at all, but he seems happy. I never wanted to be someone who was like that, but I have a feeling that once I reach a certain age, and once my generation is no longer starting families, I might not feel so negatively affected by what is more and more so appearing to be my fate. 

I used to think it was hilarious how I felt so alone when I was a teenager, and how I never really had that high school romance - even though I was never left wanting for a boyfriend, I was pretty successful in never really being single. I worked at Walmart and one day I made one of those impulse purchases from the magazine rack at the checkout line, "Why am I Dancing Alone?: How to Find, and Keep, a Partner for Life" (something like that). Now what on God's green earth possessed me to identify with that when I was in high school?  

But even then, I knew I was not making, or even able to make, real emotional connections with people. It would turn out, over twenty-years later, this would become a real problem in my life, so in a way, that purchase was prophetic. I don't want this blog to be prophetic, either. I don't want to really throw in the towel, but I also want to be happy, and I have been very severely rejected the past several years, it's actually a miracle I managed to remain sober through the heartaches. 

I have learnt that acceptance is the solution to any emotional unrest within me, and that gratitude is the fruits of my labour. How lucky am I that I can do my nine-to-five and go home and watch a TV show and go to bed before ten? How blessed am I that I can rest when I am ill, and recover in triple time? Resting, being peaceful - that is my true nature, and I get to live by that and honour that. 

The real disease is my feeling that I don't fit in, that I am not a real woman, that I am different, that people don't like me because I am not usual. Maybe I have failed, or maybe I am just on a path where I should be lucky to be alive. How did I manage to recover from a seemingly hopeless condition of body and mind? I get to start over, how awesome is that?

I know what I ultimately want, and that is to work within my talents, be organized, and be well-rested. I want to be someone who others are happy to see, even if I'm not necessarily invited to parties. I am not sure I will ever understand my existence. I have searched for the meaning of life until I have exhausted every avenue, but I am still searching - now for the ancient days before The Fall. Until I know, should I ever know, life shall be work, life shall be struggle, life shall be infliction and strife, injustice and destitution. but life will also have moments of reprieve - days off to rest, moments of celebration, times of dialogue and cooperation, times when nature and her God triumph. 

If I can have peace, and in turn offer peace, if I can accept my life on life's terms, and understand that time is very short, I think I might actually have something to be admired. 

Leija, got me on my knees...

It's strange how I get attached to other people's lives. Maybe someday I will understand why that is. It's definitely getting better, I am much more able to ignore what people around me are doing, but what this post is really about, is one particular person - who I've never even met, but who influenced an entire philosophy in me.

It was over five years ago when I came across a young woman who I guess you could call a YouTuber who found fame through that medium. I have zero, absolutely no idea how I came across this person's page, I am fully sure I wasn't even searching for anything remotely related to her channel, especially since what I learnt from her was a whole new community.

This woman and her partner were "twin flames" - the belief of two people who are the other half of one another, their soul split upon God's creation of them, and who are destined to reunited, but not until learning valuable lessons on (self) love. Wow, pretty cool. It really influenced me, and I thought maybe my boyfriend at the time and I were "twins". I followed this girl and her husband (who was a lot less interesting, but whatever), and I thought they were so awesome. They posted a lot of videos and pictures, hosted retreats, and just seemed really inclusive. Now, while they prematurely wedded due to immigration legal work (She's Canadian, he's American), wouldn't twin flames overcome all obstacles? NOPE! I then watched the demise of their relationship - even a pretty nasty video that he ended up posting about her.

It really affected me!! But WHY? Why did I feel personally hurt as I witnessed their separation after journeying through their love story? I watched him unite with another woman (who seemed like the antithesis of his ex-wife), and then I watched his ex slowly bring her new partner into the picture. But this couple were TWIN FLAMES!!! How could they move on like this?? 

This girl was considered a guru, and she was very New Age, including believing in extra dimensional beings and believed that she had extraterrestrial genes. Then with her new partner, she got pregnant, and became "normal" (Well, she could never really be normal, she is definitely outer-worldly with her lifestyle and eating habits, and her looks, tall skinny and blond, with three sisters who are also like that). 

And this "normalcy" frustrated me!! Especially since I learnt all about the Twin Flame phenomenon through her, and she was supposed to BE one!! Now she's just a mommy who posts pictures of her kids on her page. She took down all of her videos and abandoned her Facebook fan page. Grrr.....I was left wondering, why am I such a sucker? Today though, I also just miss that time, my mid-thirties, getting sober, but not immersed enough that I felt I couldn't leave, or that my life would be ruined if I did drink, still thinking I could make it into a dance troupe, not two months away from turning forty...

I was jealous - how does this woman act so strange, think she's from another planet, act all gobbledygook, and then poof, she's a normal person with her own family? God definitely works in mysterious ways, and I really hope he gives me some of that citizen-of-the-world elixir soon, cause I am getting tired!

Growing through discomfort

I have been without compassion removed from a Christian group on Facebook. This was my favourite group, but I always had problems with the woman who created the group. However I got into a debate with a different administrator about the "theory" of Creationism. This man believes that the earth was created in six days and that our first parents are Adam and Eve, "because the Bible says so." (I guess he doesn't know that the creation story in the book of Genesis was actually a Babylonian myth that the Jews took back when they were released from captivity...) 

I don't believe that evolution, or the Big Bang have all the facts, I don't believe science is perfect, but I of course believe that the earth was created billions of years ago, and that we came from single cell organisms formed in the ocean, which is why we are more than eighty percent salt water. Maybe refuting this fact is too frustrating for these Bible-only literalists.

It was really painful to be removed, mostly because of the lengthy email that explained my dismissal was from the one member who I stayed for - someone who included me and respected me so much that I was always included in the posts that were directed to his fellow administrators. That meant a lot to me. He taught me so much, he inspired me and lifted me up. I dare say, I needed him for when my faith was weak.

First I was placed on a twenty-four hour suspension, but a few hours later I was notified by email that it was "unanimously" decided to remove me from the group. But I wasn't just removed - I was blocked. My brethren, my Christian support, gone. And for what? Clearly something really worth rejecting me for.

I know I am not always a ray of sunshine online, it's easy to get into debates in forums, whereas in person, I think it's fair to say all of us would show more tolerance. The man who I got into the debate with yesterday hurt me greatly in the past, though. Which was shocking, because he was my favourite admin. When I disclosed a problem that I had with a boyfriend (I felt so good in that group I would talk about things I wouldn't elsewhere), his reply was absolutely, without exaggeration, perfect. No one had ever "been present" the way he was. I found out his wife suffers the same cross that I do, which is why he was amazing. I thought, wow, I hope someday I will find a man like that. But then we got into a debate on homosexuality, and I saw how wrong and how far he took scripture to condemn it. That was when things started to change between us.

Still, we joked when we did find ourselves agreeing, and everything seemed to have settled down. I began to distance myself from comments about the world being created in six days or that we have all come from Adam and Eve - I knew better. But yesterday was different. Maybe because I am getting over a cold, maybe because I last minute cancelled a date because I was full of fear and I resented myself for it, I got involved in the thread. That was a mistake.

However it was my intention to take a break from posting (at least as much as I do), because this new year my resolution is to live with conviction. I have always been undermined, always, and I let that happen. An example is a member in the group was promoted to be a moderator at the end of December, and I knew that I never would be given that opportunity, because I come from a Catholic background, even though I was a way more active member. Once I understood the dynamics of the group, I always respected it three-fold: by keeping any Catechist teachings out of my posts, by not bringing any new age or occult interests into the group, and through this all, I even began to value Bible-only teachings.

What hurts the most, I thought the administrator who always included me would have been the voice of reason. I thought my time-out would have been until 5 pm tonight, and that he would have helped the other admins see I meant no harm. But he was the one that sided with them the hardest. Sometimes we are able to pick up and go, and sometimes that decision is made for us. I will take this opportunity to grow amid the discomfort.

"Just pray" - a response

Why is it that the forerunners in spiritual communities who seem so solid, even prosperous, don't have real answers when asked how they achieved their accomplishments? I have increasingly found that when asked how they stay so steadfast, all they can say is, "pray" or "love Christ". Well, what does that mean exactly? Jesus' disciples were part of God's inner circle; say what you will, they were the chosen elite, and even they didn't know how to pray - they had to ask. And when someone has been fortunate enough to utilize a talent for success, they don't seem to actually know how to explain what they did, or lift someone up: it just comes from a place of, "I'm closer to God than you", with the false indication that the seeker can be "just as close"...No, we can't, because we are drowning. 

It's really painful when as humans with individual traits and talents that need different tending to, we oftentimes don't even know what those are for reasons such as not being recognized or cultivated in childhood, or in being a member of society where we have immediate and consuming life-depending obligations. And yet we thirst; we suffer in our mundanity, in our knowing there is more, but not knowing the path to take, not even knowing what tools are available for us to get started. So we look to those who are solid, who can fearlessly talk before others, and we implore them, "Help me see what you have seen for yourself!" 

But all they can say is, "Pray".

When I was young, I had fear of the Lord. I promised God I would never ask for money, I saw the way it ruined my family, the way it became a disease in actively pursuing it, the neglect and poverty that ensued in a blind and reckless chase. But the truth is, money is a necessary tool - it's needed to start up projects, it's needed to compensate for the livelihood that ultimately must be sacrificed to follow through with life purpose, and it's needed to give away, to help those in need. 

That resolution to not pray for money followed through in all requests from God, because without even being taught about "God's will", I wanted to accept the hand I was dealt, in all situations. So pray, pray for what exactly? Pray for God to reverse what must have been a mistake? 

Maybe we can pray to be shown our talents, to be given the willpower or the energy necessary to follow through with the steps needed to start a meaningful endeavor, however most of us do not even know how to begin to approach God, let alone know what to petition for. So that leaves us with what? I say take the power back, recognize these "leaders" for who they really are: non-sense. 

Dancing with soul

I'm studying a Sufi mystic's writings from the 1920's, and it is as wise as the Bible. There are real parallels between Christianity and Sufism, at least as taught by Inayat Khan, the latter referring to Christ quite a bit, and has interpreted from what I have seen, the first real teaching of what the kingdom of heaven is (which is always in conjunction with the cherry-on-top: being given what we ask for).

The promise regards finding peace and liberation - something that every one of us strives for, but we do so wrongly. Well, we find peace when we have freed ourselves from what we "think" we should be doing, and instead occupy ourselves with what pleases us - and this is not to say we do so irresponsibly, but rather the opposite - we do so with discipline. True peace is granted to us when we engage in our true talents and interests (which, incidentally, can also be found in Christ's Parable of the Talents).

I would like to extrapolate how to walk on the path to peace. When we go off-track from our purpose, we feel sad and lonely, but how can we know what our purpose really is, especially when so many of us are undisciplined? Meditation can help us see two things: 1) When did I get disorientated, and 2) What do I NOT want to do. This one is in my opinion the acid test. The problem is getting to a point of honesty where our actions are no longer fuelled by what pride wants. Aspiration for prestige is a sickness that must be starved, we cannot eat our cake, and have it too.

What are we drawn to? What are we naturally good at? Do our talents set us apart from others? These are important questions to ask in meditation. Once we put our resources into nurturing our talents, we will know satisfaction; we will find that we are receiving what we ask for and we find what we really want - freedom from the bondage of body and mind. We want to be limitless, which the soul is because the soul is where God resides. When connected to our soul and not what other people think of us (or what we think of others), we are truly free. 

Broken Lights

We are perfect in our poverty.

Everyone has a piece,

and no one knows it’s war,

because we have each other.

There is strength in numbers.

And tonight, we dance.