And I shall know peace

I had an important moment last night as I was falling asleep. I am, or I want to be, past my prime. I realized that this acceptance is necessary should I have a peaceful life. I am very happy for the free time that not having a family has afforded me.

I have always been a sleeper, my mom loved me for it. I would sleep twelve hours, and nap during the day. I was a happy baby, I woke up (I am guessing) refreshed, and ready to start my day. This hasn't changed; I need less sleep now (though not much less, ten hours per night is the ideal), and I don't nap (the idea of napping I actually find comical). The most important part of my twenty-four hours is to spend half of that in sleep.

I had a cold last week, and it was fine. I was fortunate that I didn't have a sore throat or a cough. I did my eight hours at the office, where by no means the work is strenuous or needing really much interaction with others, and then went home where I would eat something small and watch an hour or two of Netflix. I got about fifteen hours of sleep a night for several nights, and my cold was completely gone (a bit of a runny nose, but it's also winter) within one full week.  My friend, on the other hand, who got sick at the exact same time, is still lingering with this cold ("Linger" - R.I.P. Dolores O'Riordan), and that is because he did not get sufficient rest. He is nearly a full-time single dad, and he is run-down in general. 

My current obsession - turning forty in two months and not having had a boyfriend in four years, combined with some flings which abruptly concluded in confusing devastation - has brought me to a place of surrender: I might not have a family, I might not even get married. Suddenly though, this isn't as terrifying to me. I know a man who never got married and never had children. I really don't understand that at all, but he seems happy. I never wanted to be someone who was like that, but I have a feeling that once I reach a certain age, and once my generation is no longer starting families, I might not feel so negatively affected by what is more and more so appearing to be my fate. 

I used to think it was hilarious how I felt so alone when I was a teenager, and how I never really had that high school romance - even though I was never left wanting for a boyfriend, I was pretty successful in never really being single. I worked at Walmart and one day I made one of those impulse purchases from the magazine rack at the checkout line, "Why am I Dancing Alone?: How to Find, and Keep, a Partner for Life" (something like that). Now what on God's green earth possessed me to identify with that when I was in high school?  

But even then, I knew I was not making, or even able to make, real emotional connections with people. It would turn out, over twenty-years later, this would become a real problem in my life, so in a way, that purchase was prophetic. I don't want this blog to be prophetic, either. I don't want to really throw in the towel, but I also want to be happy, and I have been very severely rejected the past several years, it's actually a miracle I managed to remain sober through the heartaches. 

I have learnt that acceptance is the solution to any emotional unrest within me, and that gratitude is the fruits of my labour. How lucky am I that I can do my nine-to-five and go home and watch a TV show and go to bed before ten? How blessed am I that I can rest when I am ill, and recover in triple time? Resting, being peaceful - that is my true nature, and I get to live by that and honour that. 

The real disease is my feeling that I don't fit in, that I am not a real woman, that I am different, that people don't like me because I am not usual. Maybe I have failed, or maybe I am just on a path where I should be lucky to be alive. How did I manage to recover from a seemingly hopeless condition of body and mind? I get to start over, how awesome is that?

I know what I ultimately want, and that is to work within my talents, be organized, and be well-rested. I want to be someone who others are happy to see, even if I'm not necessarily invited to parties. I am not sure I will ever understand my existence. I have searched for the meaning of life until I have exhausted every avenue, but I am still searching - now for the ancient days before The Fall. Until I know, should I ever know, life shall be work, life shall be struggle, life shall be infliction and strife, injustice and destitution. but life will also have moments of reprieve - days off to rest, moments of celebration, times of dialogue and cooperation, times when nature and her God triumph. 

If I can have peace, and in turn offer peace, if I can accept my life on life's terms, and understand that time is very short, I think I might actually have something to be admired.