Rigorous honesty

I was at a meeting this week, and while I think the group has an awesome group conscious, and that the chair did an excellent job, this particular meeting was incredibly flaky. There were so many disgusting excuses like, "I'm having a hard time finding a sponsor who I can click with", to, "I don't need to be perfect, it's okay to make mistakes", to, "The universe is so big, and I'm so small. Really, nothing matters very much", and, "We don't take anything when we leave here, we really need to lighten up." 

OH MY GOSH

Needless to say, these are the dry drunks and the chronic relapsers. Um, HELLO!! This is why our emblem says we only recover unless we are "rigorously honest". So, what does this mean, what exactly is honesty here. Honesty is to accept our illness and all its devastating consequences. This is Step One, and anyone who does not recognize that they are on a crash course, have ZERO right to be sitting in on any other Step.

It is so easy to dress up a bit, flirt a bit, socialize a bit, and to then sit down and say, "Oh yeah, I'm doing really well", without sharing how they are doing well, because in actuality, they are just on a high from being out and about. Then, an hour later, they go home only to be sitting in the same shit. Yeah, that shit that caused us to enter the rooms in the first place. Who actually cleans off that shit? From what I see and hear, not too many. And this is because no one is actually looking at their true selves. 

There is a reason why the word "psychopath" was coined by doctors in the late 1800's to categorize alcoholics. We are not good members of society (when actively drinking, and even after, if we don't "clean house", we simply become "dry", with no actual recovery). We steal, lie, cheat, act out, destroy relationships, hurt others, lose jobs...the list is ad infinitum. To delete these destructive behaviours from our lives is the ENTIRE purpose of the program. The true alcoholic knows that in order to recover from alcoholism we must shed the shortcomings that cause the character defects that literally destroy lives.

I cringe listening to people talk in meetings about New Age nonsense and "progress, not perfection", when they offer no solution, and I am not at all better for it; everyone's time is wasted. That time was important to me, because in my messy breakup, I really needed to listen to recovered alcoholics who practice the principles of the program, helps me with my outside issues to live within proper conduct. 

But despite my shortcomings, so long as I stay in the Sunlight of the Spirit, I can offer a solution. I knew I was desperate, and I listened to the people who genuinely went through the Steps, not those who read from the Twelve and Twelve, and who "share" on what particular sentence inspired them that evening. Because I looked at myself, saw the nastiness and talked about it, I began to heal, and was then able to actually tell others how. This program is about the Twelve Steps, and the sponsorship that helps us stay on the straight and narrow. So let's stop making this program into something that it's not. No more Christianity, no more Buddhism, no more New Age...NO MORE.

I want to ask these people to stop wasting my time; they are not my people. because I am not even sure they are real alcoholics, or if they are just so dishonest that it is nothing short of frustrating to see them try to Twelve Step us, or sponsor a true alcoholic who actually needs to clean house in order to survive. These losers who instead have false spiritual experiences and then fill the rooms with nonsense that will not keep them sober, nor lend a hand to anyone who still suffers. This program has become such a facade, and it is deceptive that sick people who really don't want to admit that they are sinking will use it as a group therapy/social club. They need to leave the fellowship and start a book club instead.

Oh, but right, they wouldn't be able to do that, because that means they would actually have to be social without their crutch. Don't be fooled by their codependent niceties. These are the people who will smile to your face, and stab you in the back. They are lying, manipulating, cliquey fakers, and clearly have no desire to recover. I have witnessed this for myself. Gossiping, confrontational, and my favourite, "I came in and just stopped drinking", or, "I accidentally took a sip from a glass of straight vodka, but it was an accident, so it didn't count", garbage.

There is a battle between the people who practice from the Big Book, and those who simply go to meetings. There are some very powerful speakers, mostly from Cocaine Anonymous, because as a non-alcohol group, there is the temptation to use the Steps, the slogans, the common teachings that have no trace to the pioneers ("No dating in the first year", "Go to ninety meetings in ninety days"), but to not read from the original text. But this is also common in the fellowship as well. And this is why some call the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the "Bible": it has not been changed, it is the literature that teaches about the need for God, and if sincerely studied with recovered alcoholics, there is no need for any other text.

And, it is the Big Book that maps out, bitterly but necessarily, our core ailment: the selfishness that preoccupies us so terribly, that causes so much pain to ourselves and consequently to others, and which insidiously tells us that we can run the show without a legitimate Director. This is why those who use the fellowship as a social club, simply do not recover. They can not, even though their lives depend on it, accept (Step One) that there is something socially hideous about them. It is really sad, but what is more disappointing, is being in a fellowship with them.

Gratitude

Tonight's meeting was small for its group, but large for one room. Since it's New Year's eve, most people didn't want to go to a meeting, and so the entire group, which has two hundred registered members, was compiled into one room. It really put things into perspective for me. I hope that no matter how far I come along in recovery, I am always at a meeting on these big occasions.

The chairman is newly two years sober, and is doing well in his new relationship. I say doing well in a worldly way, but maybe in some ways is putting his girlfriend before his program. But that's between him and God. Ultimately, he did a great job chairing, and that is all that matters right now. But before he opened the floor for discussion, he reminded us to be mindful of the time, as some would want to ring in the new year.

And then came the resentments. I was already in a bad mood. First, I have not integrated socially in sobriety, so I am about to ring in the new year by myself, posting this blog. Second, my relationship officially ended this morning. And third, my job is squeezing me dry, and having to stay late caused me to be late for my meeting, which for this group I am already so uncomfortable going to. I was actually regretting having gone, and even nearly turned the other way at its threshold. 

Then, the chairman suggested that we talk about what we are grateful for. So, the resentments became even stronger. 'Oh wait until it's my turn', I thought; 'I'll show them gratitude!' Fortunately, we went "popcorn style", and I had enough sensibility to stay the eff shut-up.

But then, and through no genius or grace of anyone, I began to melt, and became inspired to write a blog, which I was hoping to do for this occasion, as I did last year. Once I felt inspired, I began to feel grateful, and once I felt grateful, I began to feel graceful, and once I felt graceful, I was able to see God in all of the things that I had been perceiving to be threats.

All we really have in our lives is gratitude. That is the gift that comes directly from God, and is the only thing that we can really rely on. I heard a man share last night, and I know that he has a lot of ego, but I also can put my own ego aside to not only listen to him, but to carry with me his message, because for me, it's that powerful. But he is dry right now, and it was disconcerting to me to hear him say that he was sick of the fellowship, that after a while, you've said it all and heard it all. But then, he shared on the Step we read from, and it was, as always, brilliant. After the meeting I told someone how it disturbed me to see people with such insight and time under their belts, be so negative. And his reply was, we need to remember to be grateful.

Gratitude keeps us humble, and humility is the only way to really be happy, because to have humility is to have God. Only the honest man will admit that he is nothing without God, and I don't care how this God is perceived. God IS, which means we can't bugger that up. 

I pray to God that I may always be grateful, that even when I may have resentments I don't sit in them, that even when I may be hurt, I don't hurt others, that even when I may feel uninspired, I still try, and that even when I may feel frustrated, I still contribute.

Life is so precious, and I really see that now, and not in a way that, 'Oh, I'm feeling happy because things are going my way, and I have a platform to pretend to be grateful', only to become depressed a few hours later.. I truly have grown fascinated with the capabilities and mechanisms of all that is on Earth, and I pray to the LORD that despite the disappointments and hardships and changes and heartaches and spiritual challenges, I may always see the beauty and the harmony and the fellowship of HIS magnificent creation that I have been blessed to experience and witness. 

Welcome Two Thousand and Fifteen! We've been waiting for you :)