Gratitude

Tonight's meeting was small for its group, but large for one room. Since it's New Year's eve, most people didn't want to go to a meeting, and so the entire group, which has two hundred registered members, was compiled into one room. It really put things into perspective for me. I hope that no matter how far I come along in recovery, I am always at a meeting on these big occasions.

The chairman is newly two years sober, and is doing well in his new relationship. I say doing well in a worldly way, but maybe in some ways is putting his girlfriend before his program. But that's between him and God. Ultimately, he did a great job chairing, and that is all that matters right now. But before he opened the floor for discussion, he reminded us to be mindful of the time, as some would want to ring in the new year.

And then came the resentments. I was already in a bad mood. First, I have not integrated socially in sobriety, so I am about to ring in the new year by myself, posting this blog. Second, my relationship officially ended this morning. And third, my job is squeezing me dry, and having to stay late caused me to be late for my meeting, which for this group I am already so uncomfortable going to. I was actually regretting having gone, and even nearly turned the other way at its threshold. 

Then, the chairman suggested that we talk about what we are grateful for. So, the resentments became even stronger. 'Oh wait until it's my turn', I thought; 'I'll show them gratitude!' Fortunately, we went "popcorn style", and I had enough sensibility to stay the eff shut-up.

But then, and through no genius or grace of anyone, I began to melt, and became inspired to write a blog, which I was hoping to do for this occasion, as I did last year. Once I felt inspired, I began to feel grateful, and once I felt grateful, I began to feel graceful, and once I felt graceful, I was able to see God in all of the things that I had been perceiving to be threats.

All we really have in our lives is gratitude. That is the gift that comes directly from God, and is the only thing that we can really rely on. I heard a man share last night, and I know that he has a lot of ego, but I also can put my own ego aside to not only listen to him, but to carry with me his message, because for me, it's that powerful. But he is dry right now, and it was disconcerting to me to hear him say that he was sick of the fellowship, that after a while, you've said it all and heard it all. But then, he shared on the Step we read from, and it was, as always, brilliant. After the meeting I told someone how it disturbed me to see people with such insight and time under their belts, be so negative. And his reply was, we need to remember to be grateful.

Gratitude keeps us humble, and humility is the only way to really be happy, because to have humility is to have God. Only the honest man will admit that he is nothing without God, and I don't care how this God is perceived. God IS, which means we can't bugger that up. 

I pray to God that I may always be grateful, that even when I may have resentments I don't sit in them, that even when I may be hurt, I don't hurt others, that even when I may feel uninspired, I still try, and that even when I may feel frustrated, I still contribute.

Life is so precious, and I really see that now, and not in a way that, 'Oh, I'm feeling happy because things are going my way, and I have a platform to pretend to be grateful', only to become depressed a few hours later.. I truly have grown fascinated with the capabilities and mechanisms of all that is on Earth, and I pray to the LORD that despite the disappointments and hardships and changes and heartaches and spiritual challenges, I may always see the beauty and the harmony and the fellowship of HIS magnificent creation that I have been blessed to experience and witness. 

Welcome Two Thousand and Fifteen! We've been waiting for you :)