The release of self through denial of self

Note: Upon proof-reading I noticed there are lot of "I"'s in this piece, and while that might be a red-flag in terms of the self-absorption that I rebuke, I do not believe that to be so in this case. It is necessary to clear out the junk within self, before going out into the world to help others. Jesus said to love God, and to love our neighbours AS ourselves. This, to me, implies that we must first and foremost be healed, before helping others to heal.

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I had a great talk last night with my friend who I lost a bit of touch with. I told her about the challenges that I was going though, and how while I had the peak of my hardship last Thursday, I also had what I truly believe to have been my (real) spiritual awakening. She said that she's found the most incredible growth and "ah-ha" moments have come after coming out of a major challenge. I really believe this now - my growth and awareness, as well as my connection to God, self, and others, has been incredible even though at the time I couldn't see the light that was to come after the night.

I believe that I had what was my spiritual experience one week ago today, because even though I have had a drastic outlook in the way I interpret situations, and the way I consequently react to them for the last little while, it wasn't until last week when it was infused in my heart what "faith without works" truly means. 

And it happened at a time when I was struggling the most, and I knew it. Bill W. also had his spiritual experience when he came to understand that he was not able to manage, so I take that and see they are similar situations, where the love of God infused us, and we knew intuitively that we were going to be okay. 

I have been in the depths of selfishness and self-pity - the root of all of my problems, but when I am "in" it, I really don't *want* to get out of it. This, to me, is what mental illness really is - the complete inability to resist a powerful subconscious takeover of will that is justified in the comforting feeling of despair. 

I am really understanding that not only can we "work" and co-operate with God by accepting His grace and thereby healing from disease, "works" is really the sacrificial love that we offer to each other - that is where recovery and salvation really come from. I didn't "know" this. I didn't care about the newcomer, and I didn't care to really be of service to any groups. And my refusal to help others was really where the curse of selfishness, self absorption, and self-righteousness would infest.

I have sincerely been happier since I came to realize that I can turn my thoughts around by getting back to a healthy work ethic and by caring about the well-being of others. And as in God's perfect timing, I had lots of visits with lots of amazing people over the weekend. That, along with my new outlook and change in attitude, prepared me for what has been a great week, which I haven't had in months. 

When I am in the thick of it, I sit in it. That's been my experience. So, while life will throw it's curve-balls, I work to maintain the perfect hope that I will reach a level where I do not need to learn from hardship, but rather that I maintain strength through helping others with their burdens, and being proactive in nurturing the "good" in my life, before I let it get compromised.  

Walking through despair

My messages today are to be relieved of the pain that I have been experiencing for over two months now. I am past grieving - I gave myself one month (a little more than) to mourn the loss of my land, and I saw this as acceptable as on the day I decided that I would no longer bereave, I read in Deuteronomy that the Israelites mourned the death of Moses for one month, as was accustomed. I was satisfied to stop wallowing in my sadness, but in truth I held on to the pain. This is for a couple of reasons I think. 1) I am inherently a fearful person and while I am happy in my new home, I await crisis far greater than what I have so far experienced, and 2) I find comfort in the melancholy. 

Then, in my decision to "move on", I stopped writing, and I think that is a third reason why I have been in such a deep funk that I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am a dry drunk, for the first time at four and a half years of sobriety. Strangely enough though, as I feel I peaked in my misery yesterday, I also believe I had my spiritual awakening. I had my "ah-ha" moment of faith and works, after discussing the grace of God and our (in)ability to do good works, this entire week (and which was truly an exhausting but clearly fruitful discussion between several people). 

In the truth of God, there is hope, faith, and love, and Apostle Paul told us that the greatest is love. This was very hard for me to understand, as we are saved through faith. What can be greater than salvation? But if I don't love others, then I do not really have faith, for "agape", saving love is what Jesus gave to us. It is a fact that I cannot love, if I am self-absorbed in my hurt feelings.

What is supposed to make humans different from other mammals is that we have the ability to reason and create. While I assume to Native American belief that ALL life is sacred, I don't want to live as other organisms in nature - I want to add value. When I am suffering, I am in survival mode: I am simply putting one foot in front of the other and counting the minutes and hours until I can retire for the night.

And worse yet - I am viewing the world as inherently flawed: a design gone wrong, nothing more than organisms living without meaning, people who are lonely, pollution to the earth on a wide and criminal scale, deforestation, corrupt leaders, people in such poverty they don't even have clean water, people hurting each other, sometimes in the most cruelest way, and even en masse, and animals and insects habitually fighting for often scarce food and resources, having to give way so that a more powerful organism can live on.

I am probably at the lowest point in my life. Normally when I get this bleak, it doesn't last long, just a moment here and there. But this time it's been days, and it's been consistent throughout the days. I think I might be in full-flight depression. I have never felt worse about myself, or so it seems. I probably did feel worse about myself when I was not sober, but that time is far enough in the past now that I do not easily recall it (nor want to). I ultimately was given two major stressors within one month of each other (Moving for the first time in 40 years, and turning 40 which was always my "I am officially old" age), and though I know it is not unbearable, it is extremely tiring. That said, I know without doubt that this will pass, and I suspect it will pass sooner than later.

Now that I know that the solution is love, I want to work through my issues, and in this new found determination and self-respect, I believe that the universe will place the right people in my path to walk alongside me as I complete my transition. If I cannot be of service, my life is utterly meaningless, so I refuse to be enveloped in dejection any longer.

If memory serves...

I've been thinking about the state of my memory this past weekend. Sometimes it's photographic: I can recall conversations verbatim, I can remember what I wrote or read and where to find it, or instructions, but other times I can't recall without effort what I did the day before. And it's always strenuous for me to go back through the day if I ever do an evening inventory of how my spiritual work went.

And I think I realized why I have this discrepancy - it's because when something is finished, or has been completed, it loses its significance, and I subconsciously do not want to take up "storage" in my brain. 

This is just something that I am contemplating, because I don't like looking inconsistent, especially when having integrity is a vital characteristic for spiritual, or for any, leaders. 

My spiritual name

I received my spiritual name from New Mexico this morning: Japa Dyal Kaur (pronounced "jap-ah dee-ahl car``). At first I was shocked. The letters seemed just wrong, like jumbled up or something. A wave of panic set in and I thought for a nanosecond to request a new one.  But after I read the meaning of the words, and let it "sink in" I am absolutely elated, I really love it!

I have "waited" to receive my spiritual name, as commonly given in the Kundalini yoga community, for 13 years (Today is Friday the 13th - coincidence?) I was so afraid to, I wouldn't even ask my yoga teacher for one, and he trained directly under the Yogi who brought this discipline to the West in the late 1960's (and who has been commissioned to write his authorized biography). 

But on Wednesday, exactly one week after my milestone 40th birthday (possibly the most holy number in history), I was moved fully by the Spirit to request for one. I offered my story and intentions; I say offered because it wasn't a prerequisite, and I didn't even make the suggested minimum payment (I most certainly must give back to the 3HO Foundation, and I will). I was told it would take up to four weeks - which was a longer wait time, almost like a penalty for not making a monetary offering. I was given my name by the second day. There was a real connection, even though it was done online, and this is probably the biggest reason why I cherish it so much.

So now to say what it means - Japa means to repeat, Dyal means kindness and compassion, and Kaur, which is the last name and given to all females, means lioness, and it represents the strength and grace provided by God. Together it means, "The princess who embodies divine kindness and compassion to the world, through the constant repetition of God's name". WOW. This is actually what Apostle Paul says God's will is.

The idea is that the more we use and hear our names, we really live up to what they mean. A lot of people even legally change their name to their spiritual name. I thought I would use my name as a pseudonym, and maybe write an anonymous manifesto, but I love this name so much, I want to openly use it. I am not sure how I will now, maybe if or when I teach.

It can definitely seem cultish; Kundalini Yoga is a real community where many practitioners live in ashrams, wear certain clothing, which include turbans, eat certain foods, and have specific instruction for spiritual practice. Since I have started yoga I became a ballerina (which is also its own culture in a way), a Christian, and now a follower of mystery schools and Native American tradition, so I can assure my friends and family that no, I will not be changing my name and going off to live in a commune. I can almost promise this (almost - I pretty much know not to make promises anymore, which is possibly a whole other article).

Thanks for reading, and, Sat Nam!!

"In the Name of the Cosmos which prevails through everyBODY, and the Holy Nam which holds the world",

Japa Dyal Kaur

Healing past hardship

In times of emotional and spiritual hardship it is time to retreat. Not alienate, not even sit and mediate all day, though maybe an extra prayer or two is useful. I really don't like it when my cross feels too heavy, when I feel that I don't have anyone to talk to who understands, when I feel shame for choices that I have made or not made.

A message that I have received this weekend though is to not let the guilt keep me from continuing to worship God, which is to renew my mind. And I cannot renew my mind when I am not cleaning out the garbage that I am letting accumulate in it. It is exhausting to sit in self-pity, and I think that's why in times of deep confusion, anger, and melancholy, it's time to rest, and not engage so much, not try to inspire so much, and accept that I don't have all the answers and cannot always practice what I so dearly want to preach. 

But it can also be a time to connect, to get more honest, to remember who's supporting us, or who's blaming us. Times of hardship can be the best times to reevaluate and redirect; they can in fact be wonderful opportunities to heal from the wounds that invariably led to a seemingly hopeless situation. 

By the grace of God, I don't stay down for too long. He knows my purpose is to help others and that I get very sad when I feel I am in no position to do so. So people are placed in the right place at the right time with the right words, and it all comes back together, enough that I can practice the gratitude that I need in order to remember how incredibly blessed I really am.

Because that is the real tragedy, to be so self-absorbed that I neglect or take for granted my gifts, both my creative and physical gifts. A willing spirit that keeps me reading and writing, a healthy body that keeps me dancing and moving, a nice home that gives me a place to work and rest, clean water when so many people in this world don't have that necessity of life, a job so that I can buy food, two parents who support me emotionally and materially, a few friends who remind me that I am loved, and most of all, which can be the hardest to appreciate, sobriety which gives me self-respect.  

I needed to release, I needed to mourn and resist and be afraid. I needed to express imperfection, mania, and depression, but I believe that time is up. Or at least, I want it to be up. I am not sure I will ever really be whole, but I actually really don't mind trying.

My castle behind

I am in exile. But all is not lost.

Two cups remain that can overfloweth, or not.

Three cups have spilled, and that's what I see

While on this island, my castle behind me.

My green cloak is dirty, my crown is askew

I ponder my loss, and I think about you

And the trees and the flowers, not blossomed in years

So why would it matter for any more tears?

Two cups are upright, behind me as one

But if I turn around I will see evil has won

Though if I look down at spilled cups only I'll see 

misery and loss that does now surround me.

Above too is foreign; while I've never been there

I've heard many stories of others who've shared.

They speak of peace and hope though it's hard to believe

When only devastation does surround me.

But above there's no ending, only my sight

Perhaps it is time to know that there might

be something beyond what eyes cannot see

Because perhaps consequence is not destiny.

Love, not need

There is a popular concept in the New Age movement about being complete in oneself, and this is most evident in the "Twin Flame" community. A twin flame is said to be two halves of one soul that were separated upon being incarnated on Earth, where the two halves would learn valuable lessons of ascension, and then finally reunite to be one soul and live happily ever after. Well, mostly. Generally, twin flames are not thought to typically unite in the third dimension, where the teaching of being "whole" in oneself is to really be the primary purpose in ones' voyage. 

That said, this idea of being complete in oneself in the TF community is more like damage control than I think a genuine teaching, because sadly the TF community ultimately becomes a cesspool of depravity, from being a support group for dangerously obsessive people to disrespect the boundaries of their crushes, to going as far as encouraging people to break up relationships to be with the person's "true" soulmate.

But what really shocked me this evening was when I heard it in a Christian community. That is, being complete in oneself. Now there is always something to be said for context and "poor" editing, but in the preview for the show it was a husband and a wife (or soon-to-be so), and he said, with her right beside him, "I love her, but I don't need her." NOW, I really do understand what he meant - that as humans the only thing we really need is God, but this is called "false humility". Adam needed Eve - that is why God created her. 

Humans have needs in the material, that God in the spiritual offers us to use through his grace and favour. So yes, sir, you DO need your wife, it is NOT "codependent" to rely on your partner, and frankly, if a man said to me that he didn't need me, I would hope to God that I would have the self-worth to walk away!!

Perhaps it is in the blending of Eastern philosophies with Christian theologies that is becoming more acceptable today, but to dismiss that God gave us each other, whether as lovers, friends, neighbours, teachers, students, whatever, as being something to "pass time" with, and being someone to "love" but to not "need", is very twisted.

I love and I need the people in my life. Will I fall away and perish if they die or leave me? No, I am an autonomous person who can work and who can pay my taxes and who can afford to eat at least modestly. I can pray I can exercise, I can read I can write, I can listen to music, I can do all the things I love as a hermit, totally, but that is not how we were designed to live. That is not living a truly fulfilling life, because I am not unto myself and I do not believe that anarchy is a healthy lifestyle. 

People need people, that's why we all have different skills, so that we can come together and exchange goods and services and ideas and thereby have higher qualities of life. So the next time you think you don't "need" someone, especially a LOVER, just drop what you're doing and take a nap. For the love of God.

Forgiveness through accountability

Sometimes people really hurt us. Someone hurt me recently to the point that it took all of my energy and I couldn't even retaliate. In my mind, I knew the words, the context, the tone, everything that I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it. But the truth is, that offence wasn't out of nowhere. This was a buildup of weeks and weeks of arguing. And while it seemed to have gone too far this time, was I not really the maker of my own misery?

I hear a lot about "unconditional love", but what does that mean? Isn't all love conditional? The most common expression of unconditional love is for a parent's love for his or her child, but when practicing "loving detachment" in times of hardship is that really unconditional? Following a certain line of behaviour in order to be accepted or to yield certain results sure seems like conditions put in place to me. 

But who cares what unconditional love really is, when in the final analysis, we can most certainly see where we played a role in the letdown of a connection. Therefore, "unconditional love" should refer to one thing only - the relationship, respect, and integrity that we have with ourselves. 

During this painful letdown from a loved one, because I have had years of training in a Program of Recovery, where I was literally taught that my troubles are of my own making, and that the solution lies in accepting my actions and making restitution TO MYSELF, I was able to take this disappointment, this dismissal, and use it as an OPPORTUNITY to start over.

I am accomplishing this with accepting that yes, my attitude was rude, immature, and I used really foul language. I hurt this person's feelings even when knowing he was going though a hard time, just as I was. So now I GET to correct the way I now interact with this person, and am clear-minded enough make choices that might facilitate a more healthy relationship for us both.. So for me, unconditional love is to show kindness and generosity, without hashing up the past, by looking at my own actions FIRST. And after I dropped a few tears in my acceptance and in my resolve, I have experienced a reprieve where I can begin this day fresh and anew, just as God intended. 

A letdown is just a levelled platform for a brand new starting point. See where you could have make better choices, chosen kinder words, used a more gentle delivery in expressing grievances. See where your actions could have precipitated certain responses from others who have make you feel (erroneously) victimized. We are all just people with our own concerns and worries. And while God never intended us to go about our daily lives in apprehension, we're not in the 5th dimension yet, so let's make the most of where we are today, and begin again. 

In the stillness

While sobriety has not seemed worth it at times, especially as of late, it is during those difficult moments in general living when I can thankfully recognize that without my program of recovery, I would have not had my psychic change, which is just a fancy expression to mean that I have a new reaction to agitating situations - I can respond and not retaliate. I can take a step back and assess rather than letting my emotions make a grand entrance (and which is always followed by regret).

I received some bad news this morning, and I wanted to righteously express my disapproval, because I had been disrespected; legitimately disrespected - this was not an offence of the paranoid imaginary sort. But I paused in my dismay, and I deleted the email. In the healing of new flesh and spirit that has woven over the years, I didn't need to be codependent and pretend that I was going to respect a decision that I think was a big mistake on the other person's end. I just let it go in the stillness of my acceptance.

Because that is what I have today - acceptance. But more so, a full trust in God who rules in the High Court, and who I am related to. I know that God will bestow favour on me, because He has my entire life. He gave me beauty and grace, and so people were more apt to help me in times of need (which I never even asked for because I was too proud). He gave me a brain which is unusually developed on both sides - logic and creative. He gave me a family that while cursed, would put themselves on the streets before turning me away. He gave me friends who I've had since before I was a teenager, who kept me close even when I wanted nothing to do with them, and who forgave me when I was ready to return.

Without God, I don't care. I have been looking into some alternative forms of spirituality, and the three "schools" that I have given way too much money to (and this doesn't even include the monthly $5.00 exchange rates) are all glorified self-help programs that teach "mind-over-matter". It is exhausting to live a life that is exerted on self-will. Who can bear that? I can't. I won't even try, and I don't even need to anymore, because while the lower courts have ruled that I am a loser, the Son of the Most High says other. He will overrule the verdict of my fate. He says I am worth fighting for, I am worth sacrificing for, and I am worth waiting for.

I am not a rare case, miracles happen in God's world all the time. I am not a prophet who has been anointed, I am a girl who lost her way, in a big way. If God can do for me what I could never have done for myself, please ask yourself, why couldn't the angels in heaven carry you to health and abundance, too? Because today I have health and abundance. I am turning 40 tomorrow and I look half my age, I have a beautiful new home (though alas I am no longer a landowner), I have the most healthy quintessential cat, and I fully reject any teaching of karma.

I trust in God's plan for me, not in the mistakes I have made. I followed my dream and I ignored what everybody said about me never becoming a professional dancer, but I still worked like one. Now I have awesome technique and have been academically graded through one of the most prestigious schools in the world. And probably the most important achievement has been that in trusting God, I have made restitution to myself, my neighbour, and my family, and everyday I am given the strength and determination to make good on those amends.

It's time to redefine success. Because when the Most High calls on you to serve Him (and you know when He does), it's because you are damn strong and vindicated, and He wants you to represent Him. What "they" tell you success is, through their phony social media sites, debased advertising, and reality shows, is actually the enemy telling you that you will never inherit what is your birthright. Don't believe it. Retreat back to God, and He will demonstrate through your lives in ways that others can witness, how gifted you truly are.

Gabrielle Bernstein "The Universe Has Your Back"

Sobriety blues

My curse is strong today. It sometimes happens after times of spiritual ecstasy. The Lord had blessed me three-fold during the Easter weekend, and now I am experiencing the comedown, which is only natural, as life is cyclical. That, and it's back to work. 

But this comedown is intense - the apathy is strong. I hate sobriety. Sobriety can be a very lonely place to be. I know people in the program who have squads, but who knows how genuine those friendships really are, or how consistent their connections are. I no longer concern myself with the in-crowd in the rooms. I'm turning 40 in two days, I have no energy left to go back to high school neuroses. When I packed up my room when it was time to move two weeks ago, I saw so many real pictures. Pictures that told a real story, that weren't forced with fake tooth-filled smiles (I have always wondered what is so hilarious during photo ops). They were pure pictures of real friends who had been together for years and stood the test of time.

I also haven't had a boyfriend in almost 5 years. I very rarely was without a boyfriend pre-sobriety. A part of that is because it was easier for me to talk to the opposite sex when I had a social lubricant, another reason is that my social circle was a bit bigger and I was going out and not hitting the sack at 10 pm, and I was also considerably younger. But the biggest reason I think was that I was wasting my time trying to have relationships within the fellowship. Two unrecovered addicts trying to "work" a program, attempting to form a connection. No wonder they all bursted into flames - but the worst was seeing two of those connections move on to form "relationships" with someone else in the rooms. That, my friends, is the textbook definition of "salt in the wound".

But it's just a moment. a thousand days to people is one day to God, so really, I need not fret (as Jesus tells us repeatedly to not do). But despite my poor judgement in the fellowship, and the lack of networking outside of it, I did manage to secure a couple of relationships spanning from late summer until early winter, but they crashed and burned really fast and I am still blocked from both people. And both tore me to shreds before blocking me, so that I couldn't even reply to their accusations. 

But it's not just the loneliness that I have been plagued with in sobriety, it is also the longing for the person who I was - the person who read award winning novels and who drew inspiration from those, rather than from New Age or Occult or Christian texts. I miss that girl who wasn't so desperate to think right and talk right and turn the other cheek. I miss the girl who fought for what I believed in and who didn't stay quiet in order to not offend people who I believed were intricate pieces to my spiritual growth and sobriety. 

I didn't just walk away from alcohol, I abandoned a piece of myself. 

The alchemy behind the Easter legend

Today is Easter Sunday. I have been praying more lately, and I can report that my life has gotten better since I have. My sleep is also back on track. I fall asleep fast and wake up early without my alarm. I am feeling really good, and I've been wanting to spend more time in worship, which for me means to spend more time on my knees in communion with God. I took the "prep" work out - I keep my sheep skin rug at the side of my bed, and that really helps.

So this morning I decided to pray a second time, because it is Easter Sunday, and it is therefore a magical day where the portals between God's realm and ours are open for longer periods of time. 

What has been concerning me to the point of great anxiety is that when I identify as a Christian, I believe I mislead people who might look to me as a guide, because I do not have a conventional message of rebirth. So I took this perfect time to commune with God and let Him know what I am feeling, the letdown that I feel I am, because while I have such a solid grasp and reliance on the Cross, without the Resurrection, the Cross is considered worthless. So I asked God why a Being so perfect and logical, who created science itself, would have us all believe that He would break His own natural laws, raising Jesus from the dead like that? 

I prayed for wisdom, that I might understand. I asked Him if this is really a lesson about spiritual alchemy, instead of a physical resurrection from the dead. And very quickly the answer came to me through a very favorite preacher of mine (God often speaks to us through people). The answer to the Resurrection came to me in a question (which is how Jesus always spoke to people who asked him questions): What needs to be "raised" from you? 

In distillation (chemistry, which is birthed from alchemy), the liquids are boiled and then the vapors are separated according to their chemical makeup. It is the purest compounds that rise, leaving the denser particles behind, which are no longer distilled. This is what happens in our resurrection - when we are raised from the dead, from sin, from the enemy. 

But how does that happen? All throughout scripture, we are taught that we attain union with God by passing through the refiner's fire. God prepares us to be blameless through "burning" away the impurities, of those things which are objectionable. As the smoke from the incense that rises to God and is pleasing to Him, so too is what spiritual alchemy is, and is the lesson that we are to take from the Resurrection. 

Burn away the parts of our lives that block us from God - the compulsions, the addictions, the insecurities, until they become a vapor that rises unto the heavens. The result is that we are transformed, and can then use the residue that is left behind as RAW POWER. 

The Cross means sacrifice, where we fight our enemy, but the Resurrection is where we are lifted up in victory. When we go through the fire, we become light as air and no situation can keep us from returning after our metamorphosis to light the way for others.