In times of emotional and spiritual hardship it is time to retreat. Not alienate, not even sit and mediate all day, though maybe an extra prayer or two is useful. I really don't like it when my cross feels too heavy, when I feel that I don't have anyone to talk to who understands, when I feel shame for choices that I have made or not made.
A message that I have received this weekend though is to not let the guilt keep me from continuing to worship God, which is to renew my mind. And I cannot renew my mind when I am not cleaning out the garbage that I am letting accumulate in it. It is exhausting to sit in self-pity, and I think that's why in times of deep confusion, anger, and melancholy, it's time to rest, and not engage so much, not try to inspire so much, and accept that I don't have all the answers and cannot always practice what I so dearly want to preach.
But it can also be a time to connect, to get more honest, to remember who's supporting us, or who's blaming us. Times of hardship can be the best times to reevaluate and redirect; they can in fact be wonderful opportunities to heal from the wounds that invariably led to a seemingly hopeless situation.
By the grace of God, I don't stay down for too long. He knows my purpose is to help others and that I get very sad when I feel I am in no position to do so. So people are placed in the right place at the right time with the right words, and it all comes back together, enough that I can practice the gratitude that I need in order to remember how incredibly blessed I really am.
Because that is the real tragedy, to be so self-absorbed that I neglect or take for granted my gifts, both my creative and physical gifts. A willing spirit that keeps me reading and writing, a healthy body that keeps me dancing and moving, a nice home that gives me a place to work and rest, clean water when so many people in this world don't have that necessity of life, a job so that I can buy food, two parents who support me emotionally and materially, a few friends who remind me that I am loved, and most of all, which can be the hardest to appreciate, sobriety which gives me self-respect.
I needed to release, I needed to mourn and resist and be afraid. I needed to express imperfection, mania, and depression, but I believe that time is up. Or at least, I want it to be up. I am not sure I will ever really be whole, but I actually really don't mind trying.
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